deep-seated emotions and raw (this is long, just need to vent)

[rkk]

Hi all. I did some self-reflection last night, and thought about why I have struggled with past attempts on raw. It's because food and overeating has always been a crutch for me. I have been overweight since I was 6 years old (I'm now 27), so I don't know any other way of being other than fat (I'm about 70-80 pounds over my ideal weight).

I was reading a book last night, Geneen Roth's "When Food is Love". I had bought the book awhile back but never read it, so I was just flipping through it and started reading mid-way through the book. I landed on a page in which one of the author's clients wrote a letter to her regarding fear of intimacy. I read that page and was absolutely stunned, as it described my experiences perfectly. I grew up experiencing ongoing physical, verbal, and psychological abuse. I was a very good child, but would use food to self-soothe even from when I was a child. My family was concerned about my weight (as I was about 20 pounds heavier than other girls), and would shame me by forcing me on the weighing machine against my will (they thought it would open my eyes to realizing that I was fat). But I already knew. As a teenager, I was also quite good - never got into any trouble. My only vice was overeating, and hiding food (as my family was concerned about my weight and eating). In college, I gained significant weight as there wasn't anybody to stop me from eating what I wanted. I got into dysfunctional dating patterns with men, which only added to the heartbreak. In 2006, I tried raw food for a few months, lost 38 pounds, and was feeling so much better emotionally and physically. But I was feeling very deprived of my food 'crutch', and when I went off raw I started binging and gained 55 pounds within a year. In 2007, I was 100 pounds overweight, though now it's about 70-80 pounds over where I want to be, as I lost weight by becoming vegan (which took much effort and repeated attempts, as I was so addicted to SAD food). I've been near-vegan for about 1.5 year now.

Anyway, I've been doing about 70-80% raw over the last month. I lost 5 pounds the first week, but none since (though I haven't been doing any exercise either of recent). I would like to go to 100% raw, but something inside me is fighting this. I was thinking about it last night, and it's almost like this inner voice is saying "Food is all I have to make me feel good. It takes the edge off my rough days; it makes me feel more grounded, less alone, and less anxious about where I'm at with my life. Please don't take that away from me!" It's like I have this 3-year old inside of me who is completely frightened of raw, and is throwing a tantrum on the floor at the possibility of not having comfort foods anymore.

What I really want is to have my family understand how much the years of physical and verbal abuse affected me, and to have them genuinely apologize, instead of getting offended any time I make any reference to it... their pretending it didn't happen and not taking responsibility hurts me. What I really want is to have sincere friends (especially those who share my interest in veganism and raw foods and spirituality), instead of so many acquaintances who don't relate to me well. What I really want is to be married and have a life partner who adores me and whom I can have dinner with each night... instead of feeling ridiculous each night when I eat at the same vegan restaurant alone (and take food to-go because I want to stuff myself further and don't want to be having 2 entrees sitting in the restaurant. I spend as much money on food as I do on rent, and have no money for anything else... which is a major problem.) I wish I had someone to love and be loved by... instead of never having had an actual relationship. I've only been in dating experiences with men who were unhappy and looked down on me for my weight (as they were all slim and fit), and who would run for the hills if I showed any element of neediness. I understand neediness isn't attractive, but I offer so much to relationships in other ways... so I just wish someone could cut me some slack on this in light of my personal background. Since I've always had a dearth of love in my life, obviously when I start getting into romantic relationships I don't know how to behave... when the other person initially pursues me, I am fearful of intimacy (as I've been burned so many times)... but later when the other person starts pulling away, then I get clingy and needy. I'm really trying here to keep things as normal and healthy as I know how... I just wish I could be accepted for where I'm at in my personal journey and be valued for the contributions that I do make and the strengths I have, instead of having to pretend like some 'normal' person when I'm not just to make someone stay with me.

Anyway, I'm not trying to have a pity-party here for myself. It's just that my unmet needs are a major reason for why I'm not able to let go of my cooked foods addiction. I absolutely wish I could get my needs met, but somehow I can't find what it is that I want... although my prospects are looking better, as with raw I have started finding some genuine non-superficial friends in my city through raw potlucks and events etc. So I am beyond grateful for that, as I've spent my life unsuccessfully trying to find people who I could connect with on a more meaningful level, and I'm finally starting to get that, which I'm very thankful for.

Well it's dinner time and I'm thinking of going back to the same vegetarian restaurant I go to... after sticking with raw all day today. I work most of the day from home, so going out to a restaurant each night feels like treating myself. Though I feel foolish eating alone once again on a Friday or Saturday night, as I've already been there each night this week eating alone. My bank account is running low. I do love the few times a month that I get together with my raw foodie friends, but it's just not nearly enough. I'll be moving to another city in a few months which has raw food restaurants, so that'll be really nice. I feel like if I had some raw restaurants nearby, as well as plenty of love in my life... I could finally beat this cooked food addiction. I know most people make raw works even while having a SAD-food family to feed, so complaining about not having a raw food restaurant in my city sounds silly. I wish my inner resolve was stronger. However, I realize that my eating issues are simply a misguided attempt to make myself feel comfortably numb and feel good... and until I find something else to do that for me, I will continue to be stuck on food. I have been wanting to make the jump to 100% raw, but I still haven't found a replacement for food in my life - thus I am still fighting the feelings of having my food crutch taken away.

Sorry, just needed to vent. I'm typically a very level-headed, rational, and positive person, but these feelings needed to come out... as they've been burdening me.

[snoops]

Your post makes me sad because I see a lot of me in you! At least you recognize your problem about not wanting to let go of what comforts you. I'd say at 27 that's pretty good. I'm 51 and just realizing the same.

I think I have myself almost convinced that although it feels so good to eat it in the moment, it's just not worth it in the end.

Do you have any interests other than raw eating where you could get out and meet like minded people? You sound awfully lonely. You need to get yourself out there to try to meet people. Working at home sounds wonderful but definitely has a down side. No social interaction.

I think you are well on your way though having identified the issues and now you just need to focus and work on them. Good luck with it. We are here when you need a shoulder.

[artgirly4]

I too am moved with your story. It is one many people might tell.

This is what I know for sure. That emptiness inside cannot be filled out there. It must be filled inside of you. When it is filled inside, it will show outside. And getting and giving all the love you need and want will not be a problem.You will have to turn people away(gently).

Being loveable is loving you and exuding self confidence. Nothing makes a woman sexier than confidence.

This I also know for sure. As long as you see yourself as a victim of life rather than the writer and author of your life, you might stay stuck

You get to choose your life, how you view your life, how you feel about your life. Saying the word lonely makes it lonely, talking to yourself about that makes it so. Words are powerful.

There is a ton of reading around these types of things. Its a whole lot of growing and stretching. You can do it.

We are here for you.

[Queen Bean]

rkk.

the good thing is that you're only 27. i'm 37 and not fully where i want to be with raw, but am raw a lot of the time.

could you allow yourself say two cooked meals a week and the rest raw?

i understand where you're coming from regarding negative childhood conditioning. my mother didn't want me, told me she wished i was never born, yelled and swore at me every day, was cold and unloving and crazy. i'd get yelled at for sneezing, for dropping a few coins on the floor, for closing the car door too hard, for not closing the car door hard enough...i was dumped in other unsavoury environments... now she doesn't acknowledge any effect this may have had on me. she remarried when i was 11 and had another daughter when i was 15 and my sister (half-sister...who i have a great relationship with by the way) was revered as the centrepiece of the family and still is. my sister got so much love and so much more materially and in every way. i recently went over to my sister's parents' place (the way i see it) and there were photos of her everywhere and one tiny one of me as part of a collage and my mother talked about her constantly and didn't ask about me at all. to be emotionally abused throughout childhood was hard enough (as an eight year old i said to myself 'how does this woman yell and swear day after day?'), but to have her totally besotted by my sister doubles the pain. it's not as though she doesn't have a capacity for love, but just didn't have the capacity to love me, which makes it much harder. i started to read about spirituality, and she mocked me...saying 'why don't you let God pick you up from school?'

the most important thing i ever learnt from all of my spiritual investigations...was that 'we create our own reality in accordance with our beliefs about reality'. an absolutely amazing book is 'the nature of personal reality' by jane roberts.

there are many ways to expand your beliefs, using both thought and action.

at twenty three, i managed to manifest a beautiful boyfriend. we are still together and he is the most exquisite creature you can imagine and my true love. i know you have somebody there for you rkk. if you start expanding your beliefs about what is possible, you will meet that person. i think the best thing to do is to take a holistic approach. you are eating raw food for most of the day. that is a positive in itself. could you eat a raw dinner every second night maybe? do you exercise? do yoga? do you have a dream? no matter how far-fetched it is, are you doing things that help you move towards it? what reality would you like to experience? what beliefs need to be in place to resonate with that outcome?

for instance you may want a loving, harmonious relationship with a man (presumably) who is kind, happy and positive for instance.

what beliefs would need to be in place for that to be a reality?

maybe - i am a loving person
i deserve love
i have a kind, loving, wonderful partner/boyfriend now

etc etc

leonard orr (google rebirthing) talks about core beliefs...

here are the ten core beliefs (i've turned them into the ten unlimited versions...eg 'life is a struggle' becomes 'life is easy')

life is easy
the universe is a friendly place
the universe is for me
i can get what i need
people love me
i am perfect as i am
life is fun
love is safe
i am wanted
i can get enough love

write these out each day (once if you don't have much time, or five to ten times a day if you have more time) (try to stay in the moment as you write them and suspend disbelief as you do so) (do it consistently...don't stress about watching for results...eventually changes to your beliefs will come)

another idea is to write out what you are not happy about

eg i have no loving, harmonious, happy relationship with a wonderful man

reverse that to

i have a loving, harmonious, happy relationship with a wonderful man

then write out ten reasons why this couldn't be true for you

eg

men don't find me attractive
i never meet men
i'm not worth loving etc

and reverse those...so...

men find me attractive
i always meet amazing men
i am incredibly lovable

so then write out the main affirmation ten times and then the ten additional unlimited affirmations once each...

i'm not saying that affirmations are the only approach, but people like us rkk haven't started with the nurturing that we need to flourish. i mean a cat has a kitten and nurtures it and it enters the world in a state of grace. people who have been raised without love tend to have to implement more tools to reverse the damage and expand their belief systems.

you want to be in a state rkk where you're happy whether you're with someone or not, so try to have a variety of goals and interests. you're only 27. it will happen. you are a fluid being and can break out from the box that you are in. i feel raw food is an important part of the process...but take a holistic approach...exercise, read, learn new things, develop intellectually, spiritually, write, create, paint...or whatever it is that excites you.

and enjoy the magnificence that life has to offer...

[EZ rider]

I eat at the same vegan restaurant alone (and take food to-go because I want to stuff myself further and don't want to be having 2 entrees sitting in the restaurant.

Something to consider: When you take control and responsibility for all of your own food preparation you have better control of the cost, process, ingredients, and choices about all raw or not. This has been a big factor in helping me make the right choices. Good luck.

[klomasius]

Aw Rkk, all I can say is **HUGS**!!!!

You will find your path to where you want to be, just surround yourself with people who value you for who you are and want to help you get where YOU want to be!

Don't berate yourself, try to LOVE yourself the non food way. You will get there eventually if you give yourself a little slack and take it easy.

GO YOU!

Also, I LOVE going out to dinner alone!

[The French One]

Hi!

I recognize so much of myself in your story. You're not alone.

I, too, always sabotaged my attempts of losing weight because I was deeply afraid of losing my pounds, losing the shell that I thought so comforting. Here is what I thought, I hated myself, felt I could not be loved with all that weight on, but on the other side, this was a protection, I could believe that all my problem came from my pounds, and not from me, and more important, being overweight made me believe I could not be desired, and as a consequence, I would not suffer from sexual abuse any more. You see, I was trying to protect myself by destructing myself.

I don't say I'm cured, but It took a long time, first to understand why I sabotaged myself (always overate when having again a normal BMI so that I'd be overweight again), and then, to treat the root of my sadness.
Yoga helped me a lot (practising almost every day) and so did meditation. I'm 24 years old, and all my previous birthday, I cried, because nothing happened in my life (I'm single too) and because I could not stand the way I lived any more.
So, in my last birthday, last March, I took resolutions. I went back to Yoga, and then to running progressively. And when it became a habit, I turned to raw, and then to raw vegan. I'd say that now I eat 80% raw (the rest being cooked vegan food, with the exception of some fish sometimes). I saw very quickly the difference in my health, and I also started losing weight, which terrified me at first. So I decided to treat the root of the problem.
Last week, you see the process of healing is still ongoing, I spoke to my family and parents about some family secrets. I have also decided to go and report to the police. And it's as if I had released some massive burden off my shoulders. Sure, I still have to heal my fears, but I'm on the good way.

Be sure of this : you are a good person, and as such, you deserve to love yourself (first step) and then you'll attract people, friends and boyfriends. But as long as you keep on hating yourself and punishing yourself, you'll only stay in a vicious circle. I can tell you that if you had a boyfriend and did not already loved yourself, you'd not understand why he is attracted by you and at least, you'd sabotage the relationship.

A good start would be trying to change the way you look by buying clothes you love and in which you feel beautiful, start using some make up, and that money, you can find it by cooking at home and only going to your vegetarian restaurant one or twice a week and not everyday.

You're in the good place to find support. I don't say it's easy, the changes must come from yourself, and I don't think you can ever be really cured of all your fears, but at least, you begin to live your life and not wasting it in ill feelings. And that's great. Life is great and you need to enjoy it. Just allow yourself to do so.

Good luck!

[theresaann]

hey girlfriend-been there, felt that.

I'm 44 now and have been spending the last 16 years doing INTENSIVE self growth work, and am now a very accomplished spiritual teacher/channel for CREATOR consciousness.

You wrote:

"so I just wish someone could cut me some slack on this in light of my personal background."

honey, the only one who needs to cut you slack is you. I can say this cause I've BEEN there.....

Here is the magic secret that will start to TOTALLY transform your life. I channel this EVERYDAY for people in readings and I channeling CREATOR CONSCIOUSNESS.

YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR REALITY.

On the soul level, you "picked" the parents you would be born to in order to learn whatever karmic lessons your soul wanted to learn. We don't do this consciously and we certainly don't remember doing it.

Next, you made up the meaning about what your mother's behavior meant about your worthiness, or lack of it. SHE didn't make that up, YOU did.

So, how do you heal this?

first step: take absolute and total responsibility that you are the one who has made up ALL beliefs that say you are not good enough (your mother was just projecting her own self hatred onto you....that had NOTHING to do with you)

second step: ask GOD, your higher self, Holy Spirit to HELP YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF for making up those beliefs that you are not good enough, worthy, etc. Literally get into a prayer state and ask for this help to help you forgive YOURSELF for making up that you could EVER be unworthy.

these two steps will start to radically shift your experience. It requires great courage and spiritual maturity to accept total responsibility that we really ARE the creator of EVERYTHING that comes into our experience, ESPECIALLY our emotions and beliefs. But we ARE. This is the nature of consciousness.

This very high level of responsibility is necessary for us to evolve into conscious creators, which is what is occuring on Earth at this time. Its a process, so we need to be patient and understand that it doesn't happen overnite, but this is the track that gets us where we want to go-full self realization and the elimination of suffering.

Just started a new blog where I will be posting channeled vids weekly. It might be helpful: forgiveandawaken.com/wordpress

thanks so much for allowing me to contribute!!

Love and blessings, you beautiful, beautiful being of light!! :)

[snoops]

There is some great wisdom here in the responses. I am in awe. Another thing I thought you might want to try is EFT. Emotional Freedom Technique.

http://www.emofree.com/

It was discovered by Gary Craig, who gives it away. He doesn't charge to download the instructions on how to do it. You can do it yourself. I have had some success using his techniques for weight loss. I think though that I need to see a therapist that uses this technique to get deeper into my unresolved childhood issues. It deals with energy meridians and speaking specific affirmations. You can download the whole manual which is 80 or 90 pages long as I recall. You could probably even check out on youtube for some of his lectures.

I think the coolest thing is that he doesn't charge for the information.

They also have a forum with lots of information and the mods are EFT practitioners.

http://eftcommunity.emofree.com/forums/

A quote form the site...

"Some day the medical profession will wake up and realize that unresolved emotional issues are the main cause of 85% of all illnesses. When they do, EFT will be one of their primary healing tools .... as it is for me."

- Eric Robins, MD -

[rkk]

Wow. Thank you all very much for your kind responses... each of them have made me think in some way. Sorry for the late reply - I read the responses earlier, but they put me in such a reflective state that I had to let them sink in more before responding. Your responses here have hit home more than any therapy sessions I've ever received (not kidding). I'd love to respond to each of you individually, but that would make this response as long or longer than the last one - so I won't do that.

After reading your responses, I ended up foregoing my dinner out both yesterday and today... and stuck with raw both days. So thank you. I do not know how long I'll maintain not eating out, but I will keep trying to push forward with raw.

I also really appreciate those of you who shared your stories of past family or relationship issues (esp QueenBean and FrenchOne). It's not always easy to talk about that sort of deeply personal stuff. A lot of us have had personal struggles, and I realize that we have to choose to work our way out of them instead of remaining stuck.

It's true that I do feel deeply lonely at times, and need to work on expanding my circle - so that I don't depend on eating to make me feel better. I feel very blessed to have recently found more people with a similar worldview as my own (with raw foods, spirituality etc), so it has been nice. I will try to reach out to find more friends like this who I can connect with. I agree that I need to find other non-food rewards instead of using cooked food for comforts, as Klomasius suggested.

What a few of you have said (esp. Artgirly aka Colorawdogirl) about me not being the victim and taking charge of where I am at - that really resonates with me. I absolutely agree logically. It's just that on a daily basis when I start feeling emotional or lonely or whatever, the reality of me being in control of my circumstances escapes me. Perhaps the affirmation that were suggested by QueenBean would help make this a part of my daily experience, instead of something that I consciously agree with but doesn't come to me instinctively.

TheresaAnn, your post moved me to tears, as it is so spot on. You are very correct that my family's reaction to me growing up had nothing to do with me, but was a result of their own depression and self-hate/ low self-esteem. I realize that I have chosen to feel the way I do and internalize things which were never about me to begin with. I will certainly check out your blog, as I am sure it will be very beneficial to me. Thank you for your lovely message.

EZ Rider, it's interesting that I am so particular about the food I buy at the health food store (making sure it's organic, and least processed etc) and I won't bring anything unhealthy from the grocery store, but then when it comes to eating out at a restaurant, I act like ingredients don't matter anymore. I am just there for a sensory experience and eat stuff with ingredients that I would never buy from the market. Strange.

Snoops, I will need to check out the EFT stuff, as you are not the only one who has suggested it to me. I met someone in my city who is supposedly quite good at EFT and practices it on clients, but she charges $250 for a 90 min session. That might be too much for me to afford, though maybe if I stop eating out so much, I can eventually find a way to pay for a session with her. Although learning it myself might be a great idea as well so I don't have to wait a few months to afford a session.

My attitude has certainly been different today based on a lot of the wisdom you all shared. Thanks so much. :)

[artgirly4]

TheresaAnn, your post moved me to tears, as it is so spot on. You are very correct that my family's reaction to me growing up had nothing to do with me, but was a result of their own depression and self-hate/ low self-esteem. I realize that I have chosen to feel the way I do and internalize things which were never about me to begin with. I will certainly check out your blog, as I am sure it will be very beneficial to me. Thank you for your lovely message.

one of the best things I was taught is "its not about me". Others do what they do and say what they say, but it is not my stuff, it is theirs.

It had absolutely nothing to do with you, other than you were there, in your formative years and thought you were what they said you were.

As an adult, you get to choose, how to feel about you ,coming from a place of knowing who you are and loving YOU.

Every single person is,at their core, an amazing human being, and it is only with all their stuff piled on top, that they appear something else.

Do not be surprised by the fact that everyone here is healing,removing layers of stuff, as we all have stuff(yup for sure) to heal. Some choose to stay stuck in their stuff and be sad. Others, like most of us, are seeking a better life, a greater way to live. We are all on this journey called life, some further back on the path some farther along. It is ok right where you are.

If I could give you one thing, as a gift, I know what it would be. It would be the ability to see yourself for who you really are, in your very core, without the stuff of life piled on. You will find that out as you walk your raw life.

Comfort foods.Hmmmm think I had a ton of those and, as I think on it, they have all disappeared. Comfort food is merely a heavy something to push the emotions down. Afraid to feel what we feel so we self medicate with heavy ,fluffy, stuffy, sticky ,sweet stuff, then we dont feel the pain.

Eat raw and trust raw. It will work this all out. It will. Your body remembers the pain and as raw cleanses and restores, it will purge these memories from your cells. Create a new vibration for yourself. The body electrical energy of love and joy and happiness. You, like every human, have this divine right to be free.

Free yourself. You are worth it. We are here for you.

[The French One]

Rkk, your answer is really positive. The fact that all the answers resonated in you and that you took time to think about it is a good thing. Sometimes, I remember being afraid of introspection because it made me feel momentarily bad, as if I was moving the mud in a pond, you see, I felt as clear water suddenly troubled with mud.
But with time, you learn how to react to that. You need to understand what needs to be cleared within you (and you seem to have a pretty good idea), and then, to act against it. Raw life style is cleaning the body, but I believe that it also helped me clean my spirit in some way. Pray if you're a believer, or meditate, or even fast (that could help you distance yourself from food dependency), why not, but try to keep feeling linked to your inner self. This will help you find the strength you need.

And as Colowrado girl (artygirl) said, we are here for you, and you are worth it.

Huge hug!

[freelive]

Also, appreciating your body just as it is now, is a very good first step towards loving yourself. The amount of fat in your body is just one aspect, your body is a magnificent living machine in so many ways - it walks, talks, tastes, smells, heals, loves, works in unison(and all the cells love each other deeply), laughs, runs, feels warmth, feels wind, feels touch, plays music, sings, gardens,dances, reads, types, etc.
When you start consistently love yourself and your body too, you will attract more people in your life who will appreciate you too. Other people just give you back, what you vibrate out with your thoughts. And it doesn't matter who influenced you to negative thought patterns. They did the best they could with the awareness they had.
There are many games or methods to help you with changing your beliefs(which are habitual or automatic thoughts)- like already mentioned EFT. I love Abraham-Hicks games a lot. Their main idea is -always look for a little better feeling thought. Like one woman who felt bad about herself started with :"Well, I am not the ugliest person in the world..." Even small steps like this can step by step bring you to feeling better.It does take some discipline to overcome sloppy automatic thinking, but, believe me, it is so worth doing it. Just what raw food does to your body, positive thoughts do it to your emotional well being.

[apb1172]

rkk-

Thank you for making this post! I have been reading a lot about EFT since I read your post yesterday, and you don't have to spend $250, you can start out on yourself!

You have already made so many super positive steps toward a better life for yourself! Give yourself a pat on the back and keep on going because you are doing great. It is always hard in the beginning when our "stuff" gets all stirred up, but ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, things do get better if you just hang in there!

[snoops]

rkk - I was also going to say it is absolutely worth trying EFT on your own. It is a long manual and if you can get the DVD's to watch some of his sessions, they are excellent. But the manual is worth the read and I have had some success with doing it myself. Give it a try.

[kherd2]

hi, i read your post i also thought of myself. What helped me was taking a class at a community college and finding friends that i could just hang out with. Also, kids love attention. If you ever want to be needed volunteer working with the elderly or kids. Elderly people are so smart and they might not understand everything but they are such great listeners. Also they have great stories. Kids just want someone to laugh with them. Good luck on your journey and let happiness come to you always.:)