Weighed Down

[Rawsugargal]

Today I have so many emotions sweeping through me that honestly I don't know what to do. Normally I would be going to get something to eat so that I could shift my mind to something more delightful. But I'm having to face issues that I've put on the back burner for years.

I've had an abusive relationship with myself for years and I have allowed others to abuse me mentally and emotionally. And food has been my friend for years, only to find out that our relationship has been abusive as well. I've been big all of my life and I've always hated it. I hated looking at myself in the mirror and for a long time I wouldn't look at my body at all. It wasn't until I got older that I decided maybe I should look at myself again in the mirror and see if I could find something I liked and the only thing I could come up with are my eyes. Then I looked harder and noticed that I actually had a shape hidden behind the fat. But that wasn't good enough b/c it is hidden behind fat and all people see is that I'm fat. So to prove to others that I'm more than just fat I became a perfectionist, so I've been hard on myself. When I make a mistake I feel like it is the end of the world and then I start thinking now I'm fat and stupid. I've allowed others to make fat jokes because I was told when I was younger to develop a sense of humor so now I try to beat others to the fat jokes. I laughed when I felt like dying.

Just when I thought I put this behind me it has surfaced again. And I'm despreately trying to find a distraction b/c I'm not ready for the emotional cleansing. And although I've matured some, I have to say because I'm carrying so much hurt around I've hidden myself from others emotionally I have put a wall up to sheild myself from hurt and disappointment. I don't have a good relationship with myself and I don't know where to begin to repair the damage. It is so bad that I will not even say some of the things that I want out loud because I feel I will never have them. Like I would love be a size 12 and so that I won't be disappointed when I don't acheive it. I just think it.

My emotions are heavier than the weight I carry everyday.

[sport]

It is time to become your own boss and make the decisions that will change your life.
I am glad that you have realised that food is not doing you any favours. It is time to go raw and take control.
Your body is all that you have and you must take care of it. The rest will then fall in to place.

[RaeVynn]

I understand [been there, done that, have the scars...].
You are a beautiful person, Rawsugargal, and you are worth healing!

For me, I have found that being able to talk about (chat about, email about, etc.) the past, the abuse, the pain, has helped me be able to deal with it. It helped me when I found out that I was not the only person whose fat wasn't fat, it was layers and layers of pain. We cover the pain to dull it.

I've also taken up meditation, which helps me a LOT! My personal 'brand' of meditation is Vipassana meditation, which I learned by doing a 10-day retreat (100 hours of meditation in 10 days), and which I am repeating in April. The pain is still there, but it is so much less 'mine'... I feel more objective about it. I can see it healing, now.

**HUGS**

[glamazon]

Oh lovely Rawsugargal...I just want to hug you!! Girl you are beautiful right NOW today. Don't matter what size you are although I totally KNOW how you are feeling. I too have been heavy the majority of my life and even today altho most people say I'm NOT heavy I am!! I hide it well coz I'm tall but I'm carrying too much fat [a.k.a. by product of pain] to be healthy. So I'm working on it. Luckily I have a new weapon "RAW".

Hate to tell ya but for you [or anyone who has been battling weight issues] to really lose weight and keep it off...you have to address the emotional reasons for overeating. It's not a fun process but definitely a NECESSARY one. It's not easy and you will have hard times BUT it does get better I promise you that. I originally starting gaining weight when my mom was bringing home alcoholic losers that would hit her occasionally but actually hit me more. I was afraid and knew she would not protect me so I think I figured if I was bigger and stronger no one would mess with me. It was my protection yet it has been my worst enemy. I was the one making fun of myself too...easier to deal with from yourself than someone else actually embarrassing you or catching you off guard. Haven't you noticed that most people that joke excessively are covering sad feelings. All the class clowns, the constant jokesters...people always having that nervous giggle especially in quiet environments. It's true.

The emotions you have not dealt with far out weight any adipose your body may be carrying around!! You gotta emotionally cleanse to free your body. Every single cell in your body has memory!! The sad and negative junk stores itself in the fat cells...negative thoughts and things are toxic to the body so the body--with all its wisdom, keeps those toxins away from your vital organs where?? In the fat!!

You have already recognized that you normally would stuff down emotions and uncomfortable situations with food and are working on changing that. So that's a great start!! Now you gotta keep moving forward to complete the journey. So next step...love yourself. You are a creation of God, a queen. So since you are royalty--ACT like it. I have never heard of a Queen allowing someone to be abusive to them...contraire!! A queen would demand their head. So sometimes when people are rude or annoy me I think to myself "OFF!! With their heads"!! A queen does not associate with people that don't respect her. If you have people in your life that don't have respect for you..let them go!! If they learn how to treat you later, then so be it, if not POOF be gone. You have got to focus on you now. Don't let other's insecurities about you changing for your better stop you. Put yourself first for once...you deserve to be priority. You ARE worthy of any and everything you desire. It is available to you, but for you to get at those things, you have to let your walls down. What you resist will always persist. Deal with your emotions and then you can deal with everything else.

Raw is not a diet it is a lifestyle. It is a way to get healthy and show your body it is important and you love it. The other great thing about raw is that even if you overeat, you aren't really harming yourself because most of us are malnourished from typical SAD diets anyway. The more raw you consume the more nutrients your body is receiving and probably starving for in the first place. As your body starts adjusting to eating raw it won't want all those 'stuff your emotions down" junk you used to mindless eat.

Babe there is nothing perfect in this world NOTHING. Perfection is an illusion or rather a DE-lusion. Stop picking out the imperfections and start acknowledging the greatness of you. You said your have nice eyes well that is the most important nice/good part to have...the eyes are the door to your soul. HelloOOO so now what do you have to say?!!

Realize you are the ONLY YOU there is in this world. It takes everyone being themselves to make this world what it is. You can't be the same as anyone else. You are you and they are them. You gotta be happy and grateful for what you have. Can you walk, can you talk, can you see or smell, can you add 2+2, can you read and write...you're more blessed than millions!! Start looking at what you got NOW...be thankful and act in a appreciative manner. Show your body you appreciate that it can move and let it move daily. Thank your skin for holding you together and give it healthy food and water...appreciate your lungs and heart and deeply breathe in fresh air and let the sun's warmth touch you. Get outside and see the beautiful little things you normally would overlook. Smile even when you don't feel like it because the mind and body work together...smiling fools the brain into thinking you are happy and it in turn, it sends more happy endorphins which will ultimately really make you happy. It's a win win.

You can do this...I know you can. All things take time. Change can be tough but you are tougher!! Look at everything you have survived already. For new habits to really take hold you need to do them constantly for 21 days minimum...21 days is nothing IF you do it day by day and focus on that moment. Sometimes you may have to go minute by minute but you can do it!! And it's soooo much easier with raw. You will see...hang in there and your body will thank you in so many ways

I'm here for ya if you ever want or need encouragement. You are not alone.
This site is full of caring, loving, open people so reach out your hand and someone will always be there to grab it guaranteed!!

[freshlight]

You are a beautiful person, rawsugargal, and you are beautiful (physically) too. I love your smile! It's a shame that you can't see your own beauty..
Try harder and you'll notice it.

You know very well what's going on inside you and that's the first step to the new you. You are healing :) Isn't that great? Embrace it and enjoy each bit of it. Allow the energy to flow in the right direction ;)
Set some new goals and go for them. It IS easier to be brave than just protecting yourself from pain which might never come anyway. And if it comes you'll be much stronger and can handle it better than you think.
Trust yourself! If you decide not to, then you are going againgst the natural flow of life which is very hard and extremely painful.
Open up for LOVE and LIGHT.
If so many others managed it then so can you!!!
Take very good care of yourself and keep us posted.

Hugs from Eva

[spicyfull]

My Prayers are with you for being So Brave, letting everything come out. TALK to the situation out Loud and Always remember........YOU are in Charge, for Victory Belongs to YOU.

[Revvell]

Suggestion: 1) get help. I'm a counselor of 23 years who works with people such as yourself. There are quite a few people on this board who will give me referrals. I did that (paid for help) myself and now I help others.

(2) If you can't afford me, go here as a first step: http://www.thework.com/index.asp. Look at the vids.

(3) get a journal and write. Write down your fears. You may find that once written down, they're not that big. All the stuff you've hidden under food was what you needed to do to survive and now you are an adult and can handle those things..

Just begin writing with the sentence: I'm afraid....

Then finish it. I'm afraid...

I can't handle it
I wont ever change
of how much I dislike myself
I don't know how to love


One of the largest questions here is... who would you be without the fat? How can you handle being slim and fit? Want to find out?

One thing I found out during my time with my teacher/mentor/coach/counselor (have NO idea what to call him) is that I didn't know who I was w/out my diseases; without my story. When I found out.... Whoooo! I claimed my power and here I yam! :)

You can do this! I was suicidal for over 30 year. I've not even considered it for about 15 now. It's great to be me!

Revvell (http://www.Revvellations.com)

[Rawsugargal]

Thank you all for the encouraging words. I'm learning that I have to be more patient and I'll have to learn to forgive myself and others. Revvell thanks for the link, counseling sounds like a great idea.

[Revvell]

You "sound" better today. :)

[RawHeaven]

You are gorgeous Rawsugargal!! I see your beauty - inside & out. Wow, and I mean that. I echo everything that's been shared so I do not need to add too much. Just wanted to say you are a shining angel. Sometimes angels choose to walk through the muckity muck to experience so they are more able to help others. You have walked the walk you know? - you know what it "feels" like. Now it's your choice (and time) to experience something new and different. You no longer need to be tied to past pain, choices and experiences. Release and let go. Write down your goals, your affirmations and repeat them often - look at yourself in the mirror and smile. "I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am (fill in the blank)". I'm 100% positive that you are someone with tons of compassion and who possesses an open, non judgemental heart for others. I see it in your smile, in your eyes, in your energy in your photo. Now my dear it's time to turn that compassion, love and kindness inward. God bless you and may you let the world see and experience your beautiful spirit. We are ready to "see" you. :) Love, Crystal

check out Doreen Virtue's angel books and information. They will resonate with you. I recommend her book "Earth Angels" for you.
http://www.angeltherapy.com/

[RawHeaven]

You "sound" better today. :)

She definately does sound better. You ladies filled her up with love which helped her see her own beauty. Love is all you need. :)

[Colorawdo girl]

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Do not allow anyone to mistreat you,including you!!! Hugs n loads of love...

[rftm0115]

Gosh girl. You are telling my story with your own twist! :p

Believe me. You know the answers. Just don't be afraid to listen to them and do what you have to do!

[kiropa]

i LOVE everything you wrote. just wanted to let you know that. have you shared your 'story'? i'm interested. sounds like you could write a fabulous, empowering book.


Suggestion: 1) get help. I'm a counselor of 23 years who works with people such as yourself. There are quite a few people on this board who will give me referrals. I did that (paid for help) myself and now I help others.

(2) If you can't afford me, go here as a first step: http://www.thework.com/index.asp. Look at the vids.

(3) get a journal and write. Write down your fears. You may find that once written down, they're not that big. All the stuff you've hidden under food was what you needed to do to survive and now you are an adult and can handle those things..

Just begin writing with the sentence: I'm afraid....

Then finish it. I'm afraid...

I can't handle it
I wont ever change
of how much I dislike myself
I don't know how to love


One of the largest questions here is... who would you be without the fat? How can you handle being slim and fit? Want to find out?

One thing I found out during my time with my teacher/mentor/coach/counselor (have NO idea what to call him) is that I didn't know who I was w/out my diseases; without my story. When I found out.... Whoooo! I claimed my power and here I yam! :)

You can do this! I was suicidal for over 30 year. I've not even considered it for about 15 now. It's great to be me!

Revvell (http://www.Revvellations.com)