View Full Version : What is a mom..any advice?
02-24-2009, 01:00 PM
Hi....still steeping in detox.Well it is actually heading out I hope. Looking at the emotional stuff that rising.Really see that I am in a growth spurt.Yup..the ones that hurt like mad. ouch.
In light of my recent challenging events with my grown daughter(who I love so dearly),I am asking anyone out there who really feels they have a healthy relationship with their mom.One that works well and i know thats different for everyone.
Questions.Whats it like with your mom? Does she support you? How? Do you support her? How? How do you feel about her and her life as a human being? Do you know her dreams and wishes...one fullfiled and ones not? Do you know what and all she aspired to be in younger years? Do you know her disappointments? Do you care about them? Do you validate each others lives or is it one sided? Really what do you want from your mom as a grown child? Do you expect your mom to be perfect and not have upsets in her life or things that distress her as she may face challenges?So what IS a mom to you? Please and thank you.I am looking to grow here and any insight might be helpful....Thankx,Bette
02-24-2009, 01:09 PM
Questions.Whats it like with your mom? It is amazing with my Mom. She's my best friend. Does she support you? Always!How? In everything I do. She realizes I am an adult and can make good choices in life.Do you support her? I sure do. We respect each other.How? By realizing each other's wishes and dreams.How do you feel about her and her life as a human being? Oh, she has been a wonderful role model for me. I so love her calmness and ability to deal with the uglies in life. Always looked at the glass half full. Do you know her dreams and wishes...one fullfilled and ones not? As we age together I am getting to know that. Do you know what and all she aspired to be in younger years? Nope, I really have not discussed that with her. Do you know her dissappointments? Do you care about them? We tend not to dwell on that. We move forward and realize how precious life is and how it could change in a heartbeat. We live for today!Do you valaidate each others lives or is it one sided? Yes. Like I said, we respect each other.So what IS a mom? A Mom to me is a friend, a confidant, someone to look up to, to listen to, to learn from, to respect, to love, to cherish, to obtain memories that will last a lifetime. A Mom is someone that gave me life. That made me who I am. That I love with all my heart and soul. She is who I am. Please and thank you.I am looking to grow here and any insight might be helpful....Thankx,Bette
Hope these help you some...
02-24-2009, 01:25 PM
Hi artgirly...I don't know if what i am going to say will help but I always jump at a chance to talk about my mom. I'm 27 now, she had me when she was 24 years young. My younger sister and her have a very close relationship. I check in every couple weeks or so and love her dearly but am closer with my grandmother. My mother and I just don't have a lot in common. She listens to me and when she decides to talk to me I listen to her but usually she talks to my sis. She was a single mom with me and my sister growing up and is definitely one of my heroes. I know that I don't know nearly enough about her but being a single mom without any support from my father we didn't spend a lot of time with her (she worked a ton). So my circumstances may be different. I like to think that if I had spent more time with her I would be closer to her. She's happy and that's all that matters to me. I miss her dearly (we live about 10 hours away) but as is life I suppose. I think more than anything we have achieved an understanding. Before going raw I had serious jealously issues because her and my sister were so tight. About a month ago I had an epiphany and decided that I was just happy she had someone to confide in and that she was happy and since then I have felt better about our relationship then I have ever in the past.
I can't remember where I read it but I read somewhere that it is hard to keep some people in your life 100% after going raw. You can still love them but you need to love them from a distance because you are on two completely different wavelengths. That's me and my sister. So I love her from a distance and listen to her and let my mother confide in her. A very smart lady once told me "Do you Bo." And that's what I have been trying to do! I hope you are able to find what you need with your daughter. I am not sure that this was terribly helpful to you in any way but I thought I would chime in. I really don't think there is any specific definition for a mom. All I think when someone says "mom" to me is "Love" and I always had that, perhaps not what I thought was traditional but once I let go of feeling like there was a particular definition, a traditional way a mother/daughter relationship is supposed to be I was much happier.
Love, Blessings & RAWhugs!!!
02-24-2009, 02:11 PM
VFL, that is very cool. You are so lucky. I have to wonder though, was it always that way with your Mom or has it matured to that? From what I have seen with the young women in my extended family there is always a struggle between Mothers and Daughters as the daughters try to become their own person. The love is always there but the mutual respect comes later.
My Mom's life was completely foreign to me and mine to her. We respected each others right to make our own choices and NEVER discussed those choices. While kind, she did not show affection until later in her life. She is gone now and I wish I had been able to talk openly with her about her life and mine, but she was too opinionated and intolerant to put up with listening to things she didn't like.
My daughter is 15. I tell her I love her and hug her everyday no matter what. I'm not looking forward to the day I have to let go. We have plenty of struggles over homework, etc, etc. All trivial stuff. Our relationship works best when I stop talking and really listen to her.
To me being a Mother comes down to one thing....unconditional love.
02-24-2009, 02:16 PM
It's ALWAYS been that way with my Mom. I am so very lucky...there was a time when I thought I didn't like her or my Dad, but it was part of that "I'm a young adult and I know better than you..." foolishness we all go through.
We have always, always gotten along. She's a very cool person!!!
02-24-2009, 04:15 PM
My mom and I tolerate each other. We do not see eye to eye on probably most all issues. I realize she has the right to her opinion and I have the right to mine.
02-24-2009, 04:40 PM
My mother died in 1986. She had multiple sclerosis for most of my life (she was diagnosed with it in 1960, when I was 4). It had a profound impact on our family. Contrary to what cheap movies and TV shows would have you believe, chronic illnesses do NOT always bring out a person's innate nobility. Prolonged suffering really wears people down; it certainly did that to my mother. She was very lonely. Her friends fell away, which often happens when people are chronically ill. Only a dedicated few would come visit her; as an adult I expressed my gratitude to these people. It really, really mattered a lot that they cared enough to come over to see her.
I wish I had known my mother when she was well. I am the youngest child and my older siblings remember what she was like before her illness. She was beautiful and charming, by all accounts, and I can see that in photographs. I cannot imagine how heartbreaking it must have been for my father to see what the disease did to her, physically and spiritually.
I wear Chanel No. 5 in homage to her; it was her favorite scent.
02-24-2009, 05:31 PM
Raw Librarian,this sure makes us appreciate our moms huh? wow.Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
02-25-2009, 05:07 PM
Questions.Whats it like with your mom?
We love each other , but we are not close. We skip around issues that we need to get in the open. I tell her only very little- the general chit chat of my life. I would feel better if we could have a heart to heart someday. I have had serious family issues most of my life, and it has been a trial learning how to deal with them.
Does she support you? How? Do you support her? How?
She supports me by not interfering in my life....
I support her by being sweet and calling her to check in and not holding any grudges.
How do you feel about her and her life as a human being? Do you know her dreams and wishes...one fullfiled and ones not?
My mother is a wonderful human being who has made a few bad choices in life- however, I think she is happy with her life- with the exception of her children being so far from her, physically and emotionally. I think if she could go back in time, she would change the thing she did that basically ruined the childhoods of me and my blood brother. But past is past, and we live learn and grow.
I have no clue about her dreams and wishes. I would love to know, but she doesnt talk to me that intimatly.
Do you know what and all she aspired to be in younger years? Do you know her disappointments? Do you care about them?
no....a few....and I do care. I always care way too much about other people.Thing is, I feel alot of humans have become very distant from everyone else except for maybe a few folks they select to be close to...and sadly in my family, religion has been huge wedge....which annoys me. Religion should never divide, never ever ever- look at all the wars fought over it. it makes me sad , but at least my mom talks to me:)
Do you validate each others lives or is it one sided?
Mostly I feel I am validating hers. I have no clue if she really is interested in me or my daughter and husband, or my life.
Really what do you want from your mom as a grown child?
I want her to be my mom, not a distant aquaintance.
Do you expect your mom to be perfect and not have upsets in her life or things that distress her as she may face challenges?
of course not, no one is perfect, esp me:) I wish we could share our challenges tho. You know, I am still sad she waited 6 months to tell me my stepfather died, which devestated her- they had been together like 25 years or so. Now I worry no one will tell me if something happens to her- I am just a nobody because I do not go to her church.
So what IS a mom to you?
A mom is someone that is a guiding light and a source of inspiration and hope, a comfort but also a parent, with boundries and expectations . A friend, but not so much a friend you have no accountibility. (this is what I am doing with my own daughter). A mom to a grown daughter is a friend that knows when to support but also when to say - I disagree with your choices, but I still love you and we do not have to talk or argue about it, or let it get in the way of our relationship>" A mom loves always, calls or writes or emails or something once in awhile just to say I love you, a mom has respect for you now that you are grown and is always , above all, a constant source of inspiration because you want to be just like her.
Hopefully I do come off as bitter- I am not. Sometimes I do feel very lonely , but I did renew my relationship with my brother this year, so at least I have closeness of a sort with one member of my family. I am grateful.
02-25-2009, 05:58 PM
deb, Thanks for sharing. Even though I didn't have the same issues with my Mom, I do share some of the experiences you have had. You put them into the words I couldn't find.
02-25-2009, 07:14 PM
debilana,thank you so much,you helped alot.Hearing experiences like these has helped me to see whats going on with my daughter and I and what I can do.It means so much to me that you all posted.I really needed the support and am looking to grow from this.Thanks again.wow is all I can say.
03-03-2009, 11:46 AM
Any other mother daughter thoughts out there? I am still working on this and love to see some more peoples experiences. I am past the tough part yet still looking to grow from this....thankx a buncha ripe bananas!
03-04-2009, 09:27 PM
My mom is my best friend, my spiritual sister, my confidante. Now that I have a family I cook dinner for my mom and dad most nights a week and they have dinner with me and my family around the table and we chat about what books we are reading or what lessons we've learned throughout that day or what is going on in our lives. Alternately, she gives me a break from my kids (I homeschool so I am with them 24/7) on Monday afternoons and she cooks dinner with my kids or teaches them about gardening and we eat dinner at their house on Monday nights. My kids call my mom on the phone like she is their friend too. She also watches my kids 1 night every other week so my husband and I can go on a date. Our families are very intertwined on more than one level and we love each other deeply. I spend time with my mom almost every day and usually talk to her on days I don't. We watch movies together, go grocery shopping together, enjoy hobbies together, and more. I'm sure I'm forgetting some of your questions. Oh, yes I know all about her growing up and mistakes she made (I went to my dad's HS graduation ;)). Her family and her relationships with her parents and grandparents, and visits to her grandparents farm, etc. I know someday I will have to live without her on this earth, but for now I'm going to enjoy my time with my parents.
03-05-2009, 06:56 AM
What a beautiful post MiahTay!
03-05-2009, 03:39 PM
What a beautiful post MiahTay!
I am truly blessed.
03-05-2009, 08:51 PM
Miah Tay....oh thank you.I have alot of that with my daughter,then we hit a snag and we seperate for awhile.I am not sure why. I think it is because we have a love so deep,when we say things,it hits harder than normal and we take it profoundly.
We shop,we talk rawfood,we nanny together(get our tribes together often,she texts me good night,our kitties have palydates.)
I am a bit lost without here.We are going to talk soon and straighten it out.
Not sure what she wants from me.Am learning.I know and trust this is all part of my journey in my new raw life.
Your mom and your realtionship is very special.I too feel blessed.Not alot have what my daughter and I have or you and your mom.It is to be cherished.
Best in all your fun...lv
03-09-2009, 02:52 AM
Miah Tay: I'm so happy for you! It's great to know that such a beauty exsists.
(((artgirly))) : The most important part for me was being accepted the way I was. Respect is extremely important too.And I wanted her to be proud of me and trust me.
It's not nice being told what to do all the time. At some point parents should be able to let go and just trust their children. The best thing for me to hear would be :"I know you'll manage to go through this. You are smart enough to find your own solution to the problem" instead of all the given advice which had to be taken seriously and if not she would get upset with me.
But there are so many other good things a mom can do :) I'm sure you are doing your best.
Wishing you lots of strength. Take care, Eva
03-11-2009, 05:24 PM
my mom and i currently do not have much of a relationship. she is a recovering alcoholic and i moved in w/ my dad about 6 years ago because of it. i've always wished i could have a "normal mom", but now i see that there is no such thing. everyone's relationship with their mother is different. i pray that one day i will feel comfortable enough with my mom to see her more often, but it is difficult because she has hurt me so many times in the past. i just hope everyone out there appreciates your mom...no matter what she's like. after all, she did bring you into this world. :rolleyes: :)
03-13-2009, 04:03 PM
my mom is my best friend, my role model and my confidante. i am very grateful that we have such a wonderful relationship...it's been this way all along (i'm 23 now). she raised me all alone and did a great job.
having lived abroad for 3 years out of the past 4, i have realized even more how much my mom means to me.
i do want to hear more about her life before i was born. i think it's important for me to learn about her past...to understand her on a deeper level. sometimes when she tells me stories about her childhood, it's as if a totally different world has opened up and i see her in a slightly new light...another aspect of her personality or her thoughts become more visible...
a mom to me is a source of unconditional love...a woman who guides, shapes and understands. a woman willing to learn and grow. my mom is all of these things and i feel truly blessed that we have the relationship that we do.
i let her know everyday that i love her.
and if it's the case, i think that it is so important to tell our moms how much they mean to us and how much we appreciate them--i'm sure it's always nice to hear!
03-15-2009, 07:07 PM
I had a good weekend with my Mom...she talked of memories and i listened.We talked about this years garden and lots of stuff.I helped her and she helped me.It was fun.She turned 80 this weekend so I cherish time with her.I know it can change rapidly. Moms are the best thing in the whole wide world...haha....
bumping this up to hear more Mom stories....
03-19-2009, 01:24 PM
Love to hear more Mom stories...awwwww
07-10-2009, 10:52 PM
You've mentioned your relationship with your daughter. It may be her & the way she is vs you being the difficult person. I do not have a good M story for me except that I've learned what kind not to be. My dd tells me I'm good..most of the time;), I always make her feel good, she knows I like to take care of her, she's not a bother to me, when she needs me, I'm there, I've stayed up so much with her at pm-stopped the car when she was crying so she could sit in my lap while we talked about what was upsetting her. I may not approve of what she's done but we talk about what was good/not good vs her being bad. I'm stricter than I'd like to be but I don't want her being a sassy/disrespectful person. I'm trying to teach her to respect herself which in turn will bring respect to others. She's finally getting this! I tell her it's ok to be mad at me or not like the way I'm acting & she can tell me as long as it's not nasty. I want her childhood/life to have so much more love than mine has/did that sometimes, I over plan myself but it gives me such joy to see her having a good time, coming to hug me & the best when says "thanks Mom, I had sucha good time, you're the best."
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