dealing with mentally ill parents?

[Zaphirah]

anyone have any BTDT advice? I think I've done an okay job of drawing boundaries-but I still have so much guilt and sadness that some of my boundaries cause her sadness/pain because she can't understand. She can't understand because she's sick, ya know? and she really believes I am the cause of all her pain and struggles. It makes me feel terrible that she's so angry and hurt by me (well *her* preception of me).

So I've done the hard work, but I still feel crappy inside. Any advice?

[Crazy Healer Lady]

Aw hun <3 I know how hard it is. Although not my parents, I've taken care of my grandparents who have been exactly like this. Happily, they're now beyond the limitations of their physical body.

What helped me was meditating, and connecting with their energy beyond their physical body. I spoke with my grandfather especially in these meditations, and since doing this, we had such a good relationship. It's sort of like there's the person, the beautiful light and consciousness, and then there is the person that appears to us, sort of like their consciousness as expressed by a brain that is not the same as yours and mine. Like seeing a light through a filter, or coloured glass, I suppose you could say? But the light is still there, and our own light can connect and communicate. I'm also someone who can see the energy field, and people actually communicate on different levels of their fields. You can actually watch two energies interact. Very beautiful.

When with your parents, try to connect with them at that level, and it really helps to know that at that level, they know who you are and that you are helping them, and when you touch that place, they respond differently, though it may take a while, because it's such a change.

Blessings to you. This is a difficult situation and I wish you the full support and aid of the universe in finding peace and serenity, and your parents as well <3 Know that underneath it all, they know you are a wonderful person and they love you.

[ArcturusXIV]

I've done the same thing, except with my ex-girlfriend, who was sexually abused. To get past her trust issues, I went into deep meditation and tried sending her energy. I'm not sure it helped anything, but it made me feel a lot better to connect with her on an energetic level, and it was a very peaceful feeling. Maybe I'm just not doing it right? Dunno. But anyway, it helped.

[AutumnBreezColordLeavz]

The last few month have been a trial....she has been calling us 4-8 x a day.
My husband is gone at work and I get the blunt of them.
She calls about past stuff, like 10-20 years ago that she wants to go over.
Most I was not there for, but my husband was. I would not allow it, basically I had to draw a line, modify her behavior. First I started just telling her that if she was not going to talk about positive things than I had to go. Then that really did not seem to help, so I quite picking up the phone, often I would leave the house, I had things to do. She would then leave long messages, sometimes accusing me of not answering because I "changed", No, I was just gone- mostly... Over time she came out of her episode or something clicked and she started coming back to normal. Normal is still painful for her, just not as dramatic. She has many health issues, some of which she put upon herself with drinking most of her life. Years ago, she married a man that was sexually abusive to her daughter and my husband as a teen caught him in the act of feeling her up at the kitchen sink. Many things happened, she doesn't let go.
I was sexually abused in my childhood and my first marriage, I do know that letting go, forgiving is a difficult feat, but it is the best way to get beyond being the victim. She will not let go. Forgetting is also part of forgiving, other wise bitterness is still tied somehow. Feeling guilty makes you a victim. Sometimes guilt is necessary, it is a good thing, it makes you not do bad things (ie, steal, lie, cheat) again if you have decided to never do it again, than the guilt was necessary.
When "Guilt" happens because someone else is ill and wants you to be part of their misery, that is a trap. It's purpose is to make you a victim.
Being/continuing to be a victim is a choice. The "Attacker" lives on...and on... without guilt, or care for your pain. It is up to the victim to release the negative energy and move on too. Hope this helps. Focus on positive energy and it will eventually filter out the other.

[rawxstasy]

I've had to deal with sexual abuse by my father and his family (uncle, cousins) and narcissistic mother who didn't want to know what was going on. She was also unhappy with her life and she blamed me. I had to learn to forgive. I am actually living with my mom (father already passed) and keeping up my boundaries has been very important. She sometimes tries to accuse me, I "don't want to be with her" etc. I explained why it is HARMFUL for me to spend too much time with her. She seems to be "getting" it. I think as time goes on you will feel better. There really is nothing you can do for her. Just be in present moment when you are with her. I found that all I can do is to do whatever it takes to protect myself and if the other person is hurt - I just have to let it go. My health is my priority.

[annavon]

What does BTDT stand for?

My father has been diagnosed with dimentia, possibly Alzheimers. He has gone through some signaficant personalty changes or rather some amplification of some of his personaltiy defects. When I was growing up my father was a very controlling type of person. Now that he is unable to make any type of decisions, it results in a great deal of anger. He can be threatening especially towards my mother. He no longer recognizes me or any of my siblings. He doesn't even remember having children. It is difficult for my mother to have visitors at the house because my dad gets angry and acts out, by yelling and sometimes grabbing her by the next or trys to hit her.

I tried to help by going to the Alzheimers Foundation and getting information on his condition for the family to read. I am as supportive as I can be for my mother. However, I have had to set limits. I told my mother before I visited that I would only spend a couple of days with them and then visit a friend in the area for the remainder of the weekend. She was disappointed that I would not spend all of my time off with them. I explained to her that it seems to make my father angry when there are vistors for more than a couple of days and that I could not handle the anger directed towards me. I had to hold my ground on this decision. And as I anticipated, my father basically exploded after I was there for 48 hours.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that dealing with any mental type issues, you have to decide what it is you want to do. You then need to set your limits with those involved and stick to it.

Hope this helps.

[Crazy Healer Lady]

Annavon, very sorry to hear about your father :( It sometimes really helps to get government help, such as care aids, or even considering a facility. I am not sure the financial issues in the USA with this, but let your mom know that she doesn't have to do it alone. Support meetings that the Alzheimer's Society offers are absolutely incredible.

[freshlight]

Aw hun <3 I know how hard it is. Although not my parents, I've taken care of my grandparents who have been exactly like this. Happily, they're now beyond the limitations of their physical body.

What helped me was meditating, and connecting with their energy beyond their physical body. I spoke with my grandfather especially in these meditations, and since doing this, we had such a good relationship. It's sort of like there's the person, the beautiful light and consciousness, and then there is the person that appears to us, sort of like their consciousness as expressed by a brain that is not the same as yours and mine. Like seeing a light through a filter, or coloured glass, I suppose you could say? But the light is still there, and our own light can connect and communicate. I'm also someone who can see the energy field, and people actually communicate on different levels of their fields. You can actually watch two energies interact. Very beautiful.

When with your parents, try to connect with them at that level, and it really helps to know that at that level, they know who you are and that you are helping them, and when you touch that place, they respond differently, though it may take a while, because it's such a change.

Blessings to you. This is a difficult situation and I wish you the full support and aid of the universe in finding peace and serenity, and your parents as well <3 Know that underneath it all, they know you are a wonderful person and they love you.

CHL, I love your words of love and wisdom. you made me cry.

May God bless you all

P.S. for me God=love=nature=light=wisdom=peace=harmony=freedom .....I could go on for ages but it's enough for now :)

[freshlight]

Dear Zaphirah, I wish you lots of inner strength. Be kind to yourself: sometimes it's all right to feel sad. lots of positive vibes

from Eva