Nervous about going back home!

[trinut001]

I am going back home to Michigan for my birthday. I need advice on dealing with my VERY negative mother! She wants to have a "party" for me for my birthday and also celebrate thanksgiving while I am there. I told her I am not eating any meat. She said well I am making a turkey and we are having meat. I said that is fine but I am not eating it. My mom is already cutting me down about the way I eat. I shouldn't be surprised as I NEVER do anything right in her eyes. She is always trying to tell me how to live my life and what I need to do. (she has no right to tell me how to live since she is an alocholic!) I moved away to get away from all of her negativity and have been much happier not dealing with her daily! How do you deal with somone so negative?

Also I need idea's on food to make while I am there. I won't have a dehydrator but might have a food processor. I am thinking of making the jalepeno burgers as those are easy and good. Any other ideas on how I can stay raw while I am there dealing with someone who isn't and cuts down my lifestyle? I also plan on briging Alissa's book along with me. Is there any recipe's I can WOW people (SAD) with? I plan on making some raw dishes for MY birthday party..lol.

Sorry this is so long but I am stressing out about going back home (haven't been home since I moved away almost 2 years ago) and I don't leave until Nov 12th!

[Revvell]

For me, where I live is "home".

My question is, why are you going back to Michigan?


How do you deal with somone so negative?

I stay away from them.

[trinut001]

My mom was going to come here for a visit but I was talking about really needing to see my grandparents (who just both turned 90), my dad, son, and all my friends. So my mom bought a plane ticket for me for my birthday to come home. Of course she is already trying to put stipulations on me like I need to spend time with "family". My best friend has offered for me to stay with her and I probably will at least one night. I know I will probably here about it from my mom if I do though. I just know what I have to look forward to with her...her getting drunk every night and her accusing me of something or degrading me about one thing or another! I can hardly wait :mad:

[Christiana]

Ignore it. It's YOUR choice, not hers, and she'll have to learn to live and let live. Just do what you always do, and pay no attention to the negative things your family may say. :D I hope you have a good trip!

[Revvell]

I just know what I have to look forward to with her...her getting drunk every night and her accusing me of something or degrading me about one thing or another! I can hardly wait :mad:

O.k., so you're a masochist, right?

If you knew you were going to die one week after the anniversary of your birth, is this how you would spend it? On your deathbed would you be saying "I am SO glad I went back to Michigan to be degraded by my mother!"

See, the thing is, you don't know you WONT die the week after your anniversary ~ or, the day of.

Your mother is a master manipulator ~ and a master sadist.

[trinut001]

Your mother is a master manipulator ~ and a master sadist.
Well said Revvell!

I am just hoping she will behave. When she came to visit me in May she tried to tell me how to live and what to do and I told her if she didn't like it to go get a hotel room! That shut her up and she was good the rest of her trip. I am hoping since she doesn't see me much that she will be fine. It is usually when she gets drinking that she really starts in on me!

[Revvell]

Y It is usually when she gets drinking that she really starts in on me!

Well, there's your away-from-home exercise ~ Play hide the bottle. :D

[Veganforlife]

How old are you trinut001? Shoot! I'd avoid that situation like I don't know what! I refuse to put myself into confrontations, situations, locations, whatever that are uncomfortable.

Your Mom needs a pity party for herself and w/you she's got a captive audience. You are already regretting/dreading it and you aren't even there. I can only imagine what it's gonna be like once you arrive.

If I were you? I wouldn't go, but if you must, I'd stay w/friends if possible, and "visit" your Mom. Then you can leave when you want, not be trapped there.

[trinut001]

I am old enough to know better..lol (I will 43 in 3 weeks). I really want to go home to see my grandparents as I don't know how much longer they will be around. I haven't seen them in over a year. Yes my mom is a pity party and she always takes it out on ME! My sister never gets berated and belittled like I do as she could never do anything wrong in my mom's eyes.

Revvell if I hid the bottle it wouldn't be a pretty picture! I have always thought about writing a book about the things she has done. Some of them would blow your mind! I just look back on it now and laugh about it. I just don't want to get caught in her trap of drinking! Alcoholism runs deep in my family and both my sister and I have had problems with drinking. My sister has quit for over a year now and I have been cutting it out too. I have been doing good and don't want to fall back into that trap again.

It should be an interesting trip to say the least!

[Revvell]

Revvell if I hid the bottle it wouldn't be a pretty picture!

Nothing you've said so far sounds like a pretty picture.

You can see everybody by staying with friends or even in a hotel. But you know that, don't you?

[Veganforlife]

Well, then since you are old enough to know better - YOU can plan how this trip goes, right? Stay w/friends. VISIT your Mom.

Alcoholism runs in my family too and I would bet a body part that whatever story you have, Revvell and I have "been there, seen that" - LOL!

I (again, if I were you) would go but I would make the rules. Don't feed into her wanting an audience - a CAPTIVE one at that. Hey, if she's willing to pay your way there, GR8, but do you really have to stay with her? Can't you stay with your grandparents? Or friends? Don't let her guilt trip you.

By the title of this thread, she's already got a grip on you, and that's not good. You're not even there yet!

The older I get - the less I'm dealing with needless crap - be it material things, personal things, or just 'whatever' things. Life's too short to live it dreading, or in fear, or not wanting confrontations, 'ya know?

[Smoothie]

HI...............I woudn't go but if you have to go and you are in a financial position to do so......pay for your own ticket so you are not indebted to your Mother. That's the first thing. Don't let your Mom do this to you in the future.

If you do go, stay with friends and visit on your own terms. Stop trying to seek the approval from this very flawed woman; someone you probably don't even respect. Love yes, respect, probably not. She is your Mom so you should be civil but stop letting her guilt you into doing what she wants. You have to stop trying to seek her approval. With these types of people, it will never happen because they never realize it's THEM. They think it's YOU! If somehow you'd just behave like they want, everything will be fine....NOT!!!

Just accept the fact that your Mom is very flawed and your life will be a lot easier. Sure, we'd all love to have June Cleaver as our Mom but some folks don't. You can't change it but you can change how you react.

If you have children.............Lead by example. Show them a strong Mom who isn't pushed around by a manipilative Mom. If you can't do if for yourself, do it for your kids. They need a good role model in you. Teach them to stand up for themsleves and not let anyone manipulate them; not even relatives. People so often mistake confronting issues as hostillity but it's not. It's stating your case in a firm way that is nice and respectful.

You have to stand up for yourself and this includes FOOD. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not be doing. That's what people pleasers do but it is time to take care of YOU!!!!

Ok, I've rambled enough......best of luck to you.
I know this isn't easy. Confronting a manipilative Mom is the WORST!!!
Good Luck

[annavon]

Trinut: I am going to visit my parents for Thanksgiving, and have had to deal with the Turkey issue for several years because the holiday falls on a date I don't eat animal products for religious reaons. My mom was a little bothered the first time, but luckily respected my decision. What I have worked out with her this year is that will will make some vegan (cooked and raw) dishes that could be an entree for me and a side dish for those who want to eat turkey. I figure if I can't be raw, at least I will stay vegan. I have a cookbook called the Voluptuous Vegan which has a really great Holiday menu that consists of squash stuffed with pecans and water chestnuts with a lima bean gravy). I served it with a raw cranberry/orange relish and a raw "turkey" pate from Alissa's book.

Try to turn the negativity into a positive learning experience. I know that family gatherings can be difficult. Mine are difficult because my father has demintia and cannot be reasoned with, so I just try to come up with a compromise that we can all live with.

[snoops]

I think some of you are being a little harsh. Her mother is sick. What if you didn't go and your mother died in a week? Or your grandparents?

I think you should go but realize that your problem is yours not your mothers. You cant change her so you need to change how you react to her. Rise above what she says. Say thank you for your input but I am old enough to make my own decisions. If she wants to fight go see a friend. Don't let her see how it gets to you because that will just encourage her.

Also try thinking positively that maybe this time, it will be good. What you think becomes your reality. So don't be so sure it will be awful, because then it will. I forget the exact saying but if you think it will or you think it won't, you will be right.

This coming from someone with 2 alcoholic parents. My mom is gone now but she was super critical and I never learned to deal with it properly. I'm trying harder with my dad because he doesn't have long either.

[trinut001]

Thanks all!

Yes I am going home anyway. I don't know when I will have the chance to go back home and yes by then my grandparents could be dead. I already had a scare earlier this year with my grandma but she is doing fine now. I just come from a VERY negative family. I moved away to get away from that because I am just like them. I have been working really hard on changing that as I always tend to think the worst first! I have gotten so much better and eating raw has definately made me a much happier person.

I guess I will deal with my mom if it comes to that. I usally just ignore her when she starts in on me and she HATES that! I will think happy thoughts and hope that she will be nice!

[GlimR]

Just wanted to wish you the very best on your trip. The food is a secondary issue to the way you and your Mom relate to each other. In my experience you aren't doing your Mom any favors by allowing her to mistreat you and you sure aren't doing yourself any. Only YOU can say what is ok, what you will tolerate from other people, and yes, even your Mother. To me, it's a matter of respecting yourself and your own needs enough to not allow others to mistreat you....but it's all a process.

[freshlight]

Hey Snoops,

this is amazing: you took all the words away from me! I was going to write something very similar, but thanks for doing it for me! ;)

trinut, you did make up your mind on going there and that's great. I can only tell you what I would try to do in this difficult situation: I would try to feel my heart with endless love. That would make it easier for me and all the others to deal with all the problems, because love is beautiful and forgiving.

I know so well what you mean by saying that your mother is negative!.....you know what? It IS possible to become a positive person, by trying to notice all the good things every day, even in most negative situations.

By doing that every day (practice makes perfect) , one day it will seem the only possible way to go and you will start experiencing more daily miracles than before.


May God bless you and your family!

Take care,

Eva








I think some of you are being a little harsh. Her mother is sick. What if you didn't go and your mother died in a week? Or your grandparents?

I think you should go but realize that your problem is yours not your mothers. You cant change her so you need to change how you react to her. Rise above what she says. Say thank you for your input but I am old enough to make my own decisions. If she wants to fight go see a friend. Don't let her see how it gets to you because that will just encourage her.

Also try thinking positively that maybe this time, it will be good. What you think becomes your reality. So don't be so sure it will be awful, because then it will. I forget the exact saying but if you think it will or you think it won't, you will be right.

This coming from someone with 2 alcoholic parents. My mom is gone now but she was super critical and I never learned to deal with it properly. I'm trying harder with my dad because he doesn't have long either.

[snoops]

no problem freshlight:cool: great minds think alike;)

[Pistachios]

The is another forum that deals with relationship issues that sound similar to what you are going through: http://curezone.com/forums/f.asp?f=793
If you feel it is applicable maybe you could get pointers from what others have posted.
Even though all involved are adults it's unfortunate that the negative energetics and associated behaviors from the past linger on and still impact the present.


Your mother is a master manipulator ~ and a master sadist.
Well said Revvell!

I am just hoping she will behave. When she came to visit me in May she tried to tell me how to live and what to do and I told her if she didn't like it to go get a hotel room! That shut her up and she was good the rest of her trip. I am hoping since she doesn't see me much that she will be fine. It is usually when she gets drinking that she really starts in on me!

[Zeena]

I want to wish you all the best in going home and share a few things I have learned about being with my Mom.

1. To be at peace with myself, I needed to be a peace with my mother. The older that I became, the more I saw her when I looked in the mirror.

2. I avioded visiting my mother for 12 years. She came to stay with me and I paid for her to stay in a hotel. I did not visit her for 11 years. The distance did not bring peace. Peace came whan a very wise friend helped me understand that it was time to claim my power and to send my mom's baggage home with her, remembering it is not about me. My mom was coming to stay with me for the first time in many years and I was experiencing sheer panic. I thought about it and decided she was right, if not at 45, when? I reminded myself with every comment and mood, this is not about me. I stayed centered and the visit was good. I felt so free. I did count the days. It is hard to explain a complex relationship and the journey of forgiveness and freedom in a post, but hopefully there is a little something that is helpful.

3. Regarding your request, how can you take care of yourself when you are with family -- can you take a blender or will she have one? You could have several smoothies each day. Also, it would be good to go shopping when you get there and buy somethings that you know you can eat. If people start talking to you about how you eat, I think that is really up to you as to whether you want to talk to them. I don't suggest this, but one day, I got tired of people making fun of and commenting about my green drinks. I said, you know, no one said anything when I was eating donuts and brownies and was killing myself (I weighed about 315pd at the time, so the knew what I was referring to), but now that I am eating things that improve myself, everyone has a comment. This was after I got fed up. They cared about me and got it quickly. Other times when people give me unsolicited advice, I just smile and thank them.

4. It would be great to stay at your friends for a longer time, if you can find the courage to do it. Maybe flip it and stay at your Mom's for one night. You have to follow your heart and decide what is best for you. If you do stay at your mom's most of the time, I would plan lots of outings, take some good books to read and get out for walks, etc. if not too cold.

5. Last thing, you know the old saying about hitting your head against a brick wall? Well, trying to get our parents to respond differently so we can at last feel accepted, well...I would advise against it. They are who they are, they did the best they could, and as adults we get to define our relationships with them. What does that mean? You can smile, be a duck (let it roll off your back), and do what you want because it sounds like she is going to say crummy things no matter what, because of where she is, not because of how she feels about you or because of who you are.

All the BEST with your visit. Z