Toxic Relationships

[rawffle]

Edited for Privacy.

[rawnhealthy]

Hi,
Welcome to raw and to the board! :O)
First of all I'd like to congratulate you for all the steps you've taken so far to find what truly makes you happy and for following your heart and your dreams! It sounds like a wonderful ride to be on:)

Then I'll share my thoughts based on my own experience: to quote you "I think I've finally learned my lesson (about relationships) from this guy". Once 'think' is replaced by 'know' then you are done.
For now, present moment is what matters, find ways to love and respect yourself daily, give affirmations to self and soon the rest will fall away. Trust that YOU and only you have the answers that are right for you.
((hugs)))

[Eva]

I think you've said everything about your situation and know what needs to be done.

As for raw food -- you will become more clear, for sure. I find that I am able to control the problems from ADHD (yet retain the benefits) while eating raw food. How's that for improving clarity!?

The problem with clarity, for me... is that I see when things are NOT working for me. And sometimes it's hard to make changes. For this reason, or that, all the excuses in the book, there are some things I know aren't right but yet don't remove from my life. For example, my job. I love sooo many things about it, work from home, etc. Yet, I find myself dreaming of not having the conference calls and doing things my way.

My solution = Change what I can NOW, do what I can NOW to move toward really changing the other things SOON.

Have fun with the level 1 class! I really hope you find all the support you need to do the best for you, whether it's moving toward it or jumping in/out. :)

[Apasaraw]

You've learned so much! I think it's great you are seeking and learning through the drama you are expreiencing and have a desire to not be negative. Your class will be great fun, and you never know who you'll meet in the way of new friends and networking too. In the meantime...come join us at the appreciations thread. It changes your headspace, your energy and in turn the right doors in your life fly open...

http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/showthread.php?t=34741&page=175

[HolyGuacamole]

Oh, gosh, I just wrote a whole long thing that I had to erase because I kind of hijacked your thread, making it all about me.
Anyway, here's the long and short of it:
I'm in a bad relationship, too, that I am unable to leave right now. I also have no support and in fact am having anything I want to pursue thwarted. My heart goes out to you. I know your pain. It's no fun.

It sounds, though, like you're on a path, like you're figuring some things out about yourself, like you're on the right track. You even sound excited about your prospects, and that is a beautiful, wonderful thing.
Hang in there, keep doing what you're doing - soon you'll be free and have the life of your dreams! *hugs*

[rawffle]

Thanks everyone for the kind and inspiring words.

[annavon]

I once was in a bad relationship. I wanted to leave for a long time. Then one day, I was ready, made plans to go (got divorced). It kind of fell into place so it wasn't too bad. My ex and I are actually good friends, we realize that it is just not good for us to be together.

I hope for your sake you will focus on what you need to focus on. Four months will probably go by quickly. Start putting some thoughts, energy, prayers or whatever into who, what and where you want to be by then. He will have to find his own way.

Just venting probably helps a lot. In fact, when I was venting to a friend at the time of my break-up, that is when I had the clarity that I needed to leave.

[rawffle]

It took me 5 years of unhappiness to get out of my last relationship. Obviously my sense of self-worth is skewed big-time.

Oddly, I saw a good friend deal with this for several years herself, and when she got out, I thought "Wow it's ABOUT TIME."

I know she's waiting for me to feel good enough about myself to get out. AGAIN. We can always see it in the lives of others, but for ourselves, we often make excuses.

[juliebove]

My older friend and I were having a conversation about men the other day and I think what she said is true. Most men do not seek change. Not in the same way we women do. Not that all women seek change, but I think we are more likely to sum up a situation and realize that a need for change is necessary. Men will tend to stay in a bad situation until something better comes along and perhaps only then will they make a move.

As for the rest of it, just focus on what it is you do want and not what it is you don't want. Eventually it will fall into place.

[rawffle]

focus on what it is you do want and not what it is you don't want

You're so right. I need to remember to do this EVERY day.

[Ilse W.]

Don't do what I did. I didn't like my relationship with my then live-together boyfriend very much, so I married him. Two weeks later I knew that I had made a biiiiig mistake. It took me another 19 years to finally do something about it. :( I have now been happily divorced for going on 11 years.:D

[Lady Green Jeans]

Really great responses.

The most precious thing you have is your time. You have made some wonderful changes which come across very positive--'on the right path' kind of stuff.

When you are ready to let go and take care of yourself, you will. From my own experience and lots of reading, most people (women) try a variety of things to restore/revitalize a relationship. It sounds like you know the steps you want to take. Only you know how much of your most precious possession you are willing to give before you finalize your decision.

As you continue your healing path, I hope you discover each relationship bringing you to a happier, healthier state.

My best thoughts are with you.

[Rrose]

First off, you were the one who decided to live with this man. We all have faults. You didn't say if the home you are both shacking up in is yours or his, so I will just assume it is yours because you said the lease is due in four months. Living together is never a good idea, thus the problems people encounter by doing so. I am sorry i sound harsh, but you need to know that you got yourself in this mess, and you are not totally innocent, and he isn't all the bad guy you are portraying him to be, I'll bet. Now, you have a decision to make. Too bad the children have to always suffer for their parents' mistakes, but they do. Anyway, you have a crucial decision to make, to stay with him through thick and thin by getting married, or, leaving and never doing this again, learning from your past mistake. It's the children who really suffer, isn't it? I'm sorry, but I don't have much else to say. You made your bed, so you'll have to sleep in it and realize that the children's welfare is at stake and suck it up, or, leave. The choice is yours, but remember, the children always suffer. they will miss you if you leave......

Sorry if this sounds harsh...... somettimes the truth hurts... I really do care..... This is how is see it from the short example you typed in above. i wish you and yours the best.

[annavon]

First off, you were the one who decided to live with this man. We all have faults. You didn't say if the home you are both shacking up in is yours or his, so I will just assume it is yours because you said the lease is due in four months. Living together is never a good idea, thus the problems people encounter by doing so. I am sorry i sound harsh, but you need to know that you got yourself in this mess, and you are not totally innocent, and he isn't all the bad guy you are portraying him to be, I'll bet. Now, you have a decision to make. Too bad the children have to always suffer for their parents' mistakes, but they do. Anyway, you have a crucial decision to make, to stay with him through thick and thin by getting married, or, leaving and never doing this again, learning from your past mistake. It's the children who really suffer, isn't it? I'm sorry, but I don't have much else to say. You made your bed, so you'll have to sleep in it and realize that the children's welfare is at stake and suck it up, or, leave. The choice is yours, but remember, the children always suffer. they will miss you if you leave......

Sorry if this sounds harsh...... somettimes the truth hurts... I really do care..... This is how is see it from the short example you typed in above. i wish you and yours the best.

You are harsh and off base. I don't think you read her post carefully the children are not THEIR children, but HIS children from a former marriage, so she isn't staying with him for the children. She is encouraging him to be closer to his children. Regarding where they live you missed the point there also, it is a joint lease she said "I am on his lease for another four months". I too believe that living together is not a good idea, but I don't try to put my belief system on other people, that is not supportive. Deep down inside they know the truth. Please try to be more kind in your responses.

[Ilse W.]

What we all like about this forum is the support we get from others. We open up and ask for help when we need it most. I want to believe that I could ask for help with a problem I might have, without being told off. We all have our personal beliefs, but that's not what is needed here. I think it is important for those who have negative reactions to a particular problem to not respond. We all make mistakes and wouldn't want to be judged by others, so let's not judge. Let's try to give advise only, if we feel it in our hearts that we can be supportive.:)

[Emma-Liza]

Rrose, I believe the only way "honesty" can be edifying is if it is balanced with at least an equal measure of genuine kindness. If we are irritated at someone, in that moment of irritation, we will not have true empathy. Our words of "understanding" are really only scorn for their choices as we "understood" them. So, when we speak in anger/irritation, and especially when we pose as morally superior to another, we close the person's mind to anything we have to say.

And in this case, in front of a whole lot of other people.

[Rrose]

It's very difficult to say the truth and yet not sound judgemental. She asked for our opinion and somettimes the truth hurts. I don't take back what I said. She needs to hear this instead of everyone patting her on the back and she may do it again because of it.

I feel sorry for the children, they will miss you. They are innocent and would love to have a good Mother,maybe you could be that Mother they So desperately need now.

[Ilse W.]

An opinion is NOT truth, it's just an opinion, and you know what they say about opinions...:D

[Rrose]

So, why are you getting your feathers ruffled by my "opinions"? Maybe they are striking a little cord of truth to you...and you don't like it??

Again this is JUST my opinion, just as yours was yours. Take it or leave it!:D

[Ilse W.]

This forum is made available to us for free by Alissa Cohen, so that we can support each other. Your posts are not showing very much support, in fact, you are attacking a fellow poster. I, for one, have had enough of your attitude and will block you.

[Rrose]

Sometimes the truth hurts. Sorry you feel that way.

[Emma-Liza]

Hmm. It's my experience that the truth rarely hurts. It shines a light on a situation that both illuminates the problem and shows a way. That duality is its hallmark. The truth is very liberating. Wait, didn't someone else say that? :)

This woman has expressed her sense of feeling trapped, her need to leave, and the emotional conflicts that arise as she contemplates those actions. Yet you have stated both that she a) is wrong to be in the situation, and yet b) that she should stay there anyway. :confused:

Whew...maybe she's quit reading this thread by now.

[Eva]

What we focus on expands, right? And... this back and forth has become the focus.

How about this -- The original poster (hi! if you're still out there!) is expressing her feelings and sharing about her situation. The difference in healthy dietary and life choices are on her mind. So, that's great. What do they say in AA? The first step is to recognize there is a problem. (OK, actually it's different and more specific than that, but I'm making a point.)

So... there is a problem. What are some solutions?

-Wait it out. Plan for the next four months.
-Focus on what she really wants.
-Focus on how to get it.
-Focus on the steps she's already taken, and keep moving to where she wants to be.
-DO focus on health and wellbeing.
-Etc.

Perhaps this young woman has had all the help/input/support she needs for now and just needed to vent...

[RawSweetie]

All we need is a little willingness...

You are clearly ON a path of change. :)

Just take things one step at a time. You've already done a crucial thing--that is to reach out and ask for support!

I left a veeerrrryyy baaaaad relationship in late February, after much, much struggle. I was being held back by someone I couldn't help/save/fix, etc. Yes, it was gut-wrenching, but, oh, the freedom....my life is very different now.

I got by with a little (boatloads of ) help from my friends. :D

((HUGS))

[rawffle]

Rrose - thanks, but no thanks. You are out of line here. "Truth hurts" is usually just code for "I don't have any tact."

And to clarify, this apartment is mine. If my boyfriend was really such an awful guy, I wouldn't give a crap where he ended up living or be concerned with him being able to support himself if he didn't live here anymore. Nor would I have decided to try living with him (I personally think marrying someone without living with them first is a bad idea - just my opinion). I'm also not going to screw his kids out of their child support by just throwing him out into the street.

He has major faults, but to be fair, they come from his self-esteem being attacked for most of his life, to which I can certainly relate. I never called him a "bad guy". While his unfair behavior toward me is not acceptable, I at least can see his side of things. And "shacking up"? Your disgust and condescension is palpable, Rrose. Please just keep that to yourself.

Meanwhile - he's not going anywhere until this lease is up, so getting along is the name of the game for me right now. I do have options if I decide it's not bearable for me. I do think I need to back off when he's cranky, especially since I know it's not my fault. I have a tendency to press him when he's unhappy about something, and it just makes things worse. Lately his 'good twin' has been present and he's been very supportive.

New development - we both got sick after having pizza the other night (BAD idea), so he wants to go on a 30-day raw challenge with me. He didn't seem thrilled about the idea before, so I didn't push him - boy has he changed his mind about that! I really hope his better health affects his clarity on some things. I know he'll feel better. I'm not innocent all the time, either. If we both get healthy, who knows what can happen for us mentally. I am keeping reality in mind, but for now, we'll see how it goes.

It seems that my dehydrator has arrived, so I think we can get started on 100% raw since we'll have the option for a lot more variety in what we eat, which will help SO much to help us stick with it. I think it's at the office, I just didn't know it since the FedEx guy didn't leave me a tag this time. Oops. So hopefully it's there when I go to check on Monday.

I really appreciate those who have offered up their advice and support. Emma-Liza - you are RIGHT ON about truth! Thank you all so much, and I'm sorry it got sort of ugly in here.

[Ilse W.]

No worries, Rawffle. That's why I LOVE the ignore function. It makes life so much more pleasant.:D

[Eva]

No worries, Rawffle. That's why I LOVE the ignore function. It makes life so much more pleasant.:D

No offense to the ignored poster -- especially because I am sure that I too have said something at some point that others didn't understand or like -- but THAT is really funny.:p

[annavon]

What we all like about this forum is the support we get from others. We open up and ask for help when we need it most. I want to believe that I could ask for help with a problem I might have, without being told off. We all have our personal beliefs, but that's not what is needed here. I think it is important for those who have negative reactions to a particular problem to not respond. We all make mistakes and wouldn't want to be judged by others, so let's not judge. Let's try to give advise only, if we feel it in our hearts that we can be supportive.:)

I'm not sure if this was in response to my post or someone else's (your response was right after mine). If it was and I offended you in any way, please forgive me. I was not trying to be judgemental. I just felt like one of the posters (by her own admission) was being too harsh. I did not mean to attack anyone, I was just asking for a little more tact in the response to the thread. All I wanted to point out to the poster is that while, my spiritual beliefs may be similar to her, I out of respect for others beliefs that I choose not to express the points that may disagree with others lifestyle choices. After all, I had made some of those choices in the past too.

[Ilse W.]

Oh NOOOO, Annavon, it was in response to that same poster!:) I felt mostly the way you did about that post.

[mongodelight]

Hi all, I'm sorry to make my first post such a heavy one. I just need to vent.

I'm new to the Raw Foods life, and I keep falling off the wagon at night, but I think things will get easier once my dehydrator arrives!

Welcome to the Raw food talk!

I guess I am considered to be arrogant. I am, but what i really know is that i need attention. Thats why i am writing this right now:D. But that doesnt change anything of the value of my information.

In my experience you can eat durian and young coconut everyday and you fall of the wagon anyhow. Its not because of the flavour or the enjoyment why you re eating cooked food. Its because you re addicted. And its very hard to overcome addictions. But its only very hard when you re using the mainstream way(that made everyone believe its very hard to quit when you re addicted) AKA the willpower method. The willpower method is a very hard way and you can see how much success most people have with it. I wrote about the "Anti-willpower method"(its forbidden to use any willpower if u re using this method) many times in this forum. But like you can read in my signature there s book of a guy who discovered that psycology method. He said it works on every addiction and i found that its true.

its just an advice :)

I dont say thats not possible to become 100% raw without using the method i am talking about, but i am saying that its very hard. But why use the hard and stony way when there s an easy one:cool:?

The dehydrator will help you but it wont take away the desires to eat your favorite cooked food. It wont break the associations. It only will help you that you need a little less willpower. But nobody has enough willpower to stay 100% - and its not worth to stay 100% raw just on willpower(IN MY EXPERIENCE)