Toxic People

[tanishamarshall]

I thought I'd share a post that I put on my blog today with you. I hope you find this helpful.

I know this blog is about raw but I just had to talk about Toxic People. I know that there are a number of us who are dealing with Food Addiction. I know most of my life I have dealt with addiction to food and only now have I been able to overcome this addiction. It takes constant work everyday on my part. It's not hard but when you've dealt with addiction you have to keep on top of it.

The topic is Toxic people. As many of you know people can bring us down, and bring us down hard. When someone is dealing with any addiction and feel any type of pressure they are more then likely to cave if they have no control over it. Sometimes there are people in our lives that hurt us or try to put guilt on us.

Today I had this happen, from someone I love and someone I thought loved me. This person tried to tell me how they were giong to hurt themselves if I didn't do something for them, and that the next time I talked to them they'd be in Jail or something, because I didn't buy there cigarettes. Before, I would have been so sad and would have done whatever I could but not this time. One thing I've realized is that I don't deserve to have the guilt of someone else's problems, they cannot blame me because they cannot afford to take care of there habit, it is not my fault. I refuse to take on this persons problem and I refuse to feel guilty because they want to smoke cigarettes and they cannot afford them.

I personally believe that we should not ever feel guilty for someone elses problems and also we should not go on harming ourselves becaue of there problems. Before I use to cry and eat my heart out when things like this would happen because guess what this situation has occured several times in the past with this person.

I have decided that I love myself enough to not worry about other peoples problems. I care about people but when someone tries to place guilt on you about the decisions they made it isn't love, they are not loving you, they are not supporting you, they are trying to hurt you because they are hurting.

I write this because I bet there are many of you out there who have toxic people in your life, some people don't have no concern as to how they make you feel or how they have hurt you. Sometimes toxic people are enough to make a person fail and not meet there own goals.

I am so grateful that I can now recognize situations like these because if I didn't I would go on hurting because of someone elses problems because they tried to transfer there pain over to me.

It's real, people can transfer there problems on to you and cause you to be down, if you let them.

Be aware of toxic people and don't allow people to hurt you and place there problems on your back, you don't deserve it.

I told this person that I love them and that if they love me they would never try to make me feel guilty for the life they choose to live.

Take care of yourself, and don't allow people to bring you down with them.

[MiahTay]

Well said. I had to learn years ago that by giving in to their demands I was possibly (probably) helping them to stay in the situation they were in. Sometimes those around us, that we love, need to hit their rock bottom in order to change. Just like those of us that have dealt with addiction in the past have had to hit our rock bottom in order to change.

Blessings,
Heather

[Bananna]

I have found too that often people are just trying to be controlling. Example: Friend broke up with her boyfriend. He tried and tried to win her back but she wasn't going for it. He was relentless. Finally he said, 'If I can't be with you, I'm going to commit suicide". She said 'well I guess I'll go to the funeral then'.

I couldn't believe she said that! Such a nice girl...I thought for sure she couldn't stand up to a suicide threat! ....so there we sat, me in shock, her convinced he wasn't going to do it anyway, and even if he did, she certainly wasn't going to feel guilty about it.

He didn't kill himself....lol.

Not to say, that everyone in those situations won't. But a large portion are playing the 'death' card and nothing more.

My ex used to threaten to kill people if he didn't get his way...including me. All serious and quiet voiced...very convincing. Then I decided I would rather die than spend the rest of my life under his thumb, so I called his bluff. He didn't kill me, didn't even try, lol.

[tanishamarshall]

Controlling defintley sounds like it as well. It's horrible what lengths people will go to get what they want.

I've had someone say they had cancer and then next thing you know they don't, they only said it to get what they want.

I wonder why people think they can control people or try to make them feel guilty for there own problems.

[smoothiegirl]

Good response!- We can't let people make us feel guilty because they are hurting. We can pray, care and help but it's not our problem. Too much of this causes us to be sucked into their drama and that's not a good place. That's a place to eat out of emotions and fall off of the raw wagon. Sometimes they try to project their hurt and pain onto us and we have to recognize that and say no. :)

[Revvell]

I wonder why people think they can control people or try to make them feel guilty for there own problems.

Because they can. Anyone here ever let someone control them through threats or guilt, raise your hand.

*raises hand*

Until people learn that THEY are the most important person in their world; until people learn that THEY need to care for themselves; until people get enough self-esteem... they can't help anyone else. Succumbing to threats and guilt is how many of our parents, teachers, clergy, "friends", employers, etc. control(led) us. It's how the media (including advertisers) controls us. It's how the government controls us.

Once we wake up and see the reality... but, isn't that what "they" are afraid of? Autonomy? Aliveness? Awareness?

[tanishamarshall]

Because they can. Anyone here ever let someone control them through threats or guilt, raise your hand.

*raises hand*

Until people learn that THEY are the most important person in their world; until people learn that THEY need to care for themselves; until people get enough self-esteem... they can't help anyone else. Succumbing to threats and guilt is how many of our parents, teachers, clergy, "friends", employers, etc. control(led) us. It's how the media (including advertisers) controls us. It's how the government controls us.

Once we wake up and see the reality... but, isn't that what "they" are afraid of? Autonomy? Aliveness? Awareness?

It is true, I know for so long I use to succumb to it but I just don't do it anymore I have other things I want to accomplish and feeling guilty for someone else's problem is not an option.

I know we all have probably dealt with this in one way or another. It's amazing how people can affect you.

Sometimes we are not just walking around with our problems and other peoples problems as well, it can take a toll on ya. I think it's best to brush it off right then and there.

[RawHeaven]

Very well said Doc. Control, manipulation, insecurity, uncertainty and fear are generally part of the toxic person's profile. I have immediate family members who are addicts and I still have to manage the manipulation game if they're relapsing. I believe it's much harder to deal with, with family members and very close loved ones as I can see them as children for example. It's sometimes easy to forget it's really the drug or other addictive substance that is talking to me and not my loved one. As was mentioned above, I send prayers and am compassionate, but no way do I let someone suck me into their guilt, game and despair anymore. That's not LOVE by any means, it's illness. We are only responsible for healing ourselves and demonstrating love in my opinion.

[tanishamarshall]

Very well said Doc. Control, manipulation, insecurity, uncertainty and fear are generally part of the toxic person's profile. I have immediate family members who are addicts and I still have to manage the manipulation game if they're relapsing. I believe it's much harder to deal with, with family members and very close loved ones as I can see them as children for example. It's sometimes easy to forget it's really the drug or other addictive substance that is talking to me and not my loved one. As was mentioned above, I send prayers and am compassionate, but no way do I let someone suck me into their guilt, game and despair anymore. That's not LOVE by any means, it's illness. We are only responsible for healing ourselves and demonstrating love in my opinion.

Guess what, it is family, and not an uncle or aunt, but someone closer in relation, it does make it hard but over the years I've been told so many things that I just don't think twice about it anymore. I've hear cancer, can't breathe, dying and the person never dies, not that I want them to but it's all to get what they want.

I agree with you that it's the habit speaking, I totally agree and that is so so sad.

[RawHeaven]

I agree with you that it's the habit speaking, I totally agree and that is so so sad.

Yes it can be sad, but it's also a healing opportunity for everyone involved. It can sometimes take years to see this, but I see it now. There are no victims, only participants and we all make choices. I send healing rays your way Doc...remember it's not you and whatever it is that your family member is grappling with in their life, it's not your fault or responsibility. Take care of you, send them prayers and love without judgement as much as possible -- and maybe listen when they're ready to sincerely talk. That's all you can really do in my opinion and based on my experience dealing with drug addiction issues in my family.

[RawHeaven]

Also Doc you're not alone...drug addiction is a huge problem in this country. Whether "illegal", food, alcohol, nicotine or prescription drug abuse. Many people have to struggle with it and it greatly impacts every member of the family and community. Hang in there. Raw has helped me considerably with further insight into this and keeps me focused on seeing the light in someone who is growing or healing, rather than focusing on all of the negatives. Best wishes.

[tanishamarshall]

Yes I know... it's everywhere. Actually I'm working on a coaching program now that will help people with food addictions.. I am excited about it. My journey to heal from food addiction started a couple years before I went raw, but once I found raw it really took a turn for the better.

It's happening everywhere and worst of all most people don't think they have an addiction, I know I didn't for a long time.

[RawHeaven]

Yes I know... it's everywhere. Actually I'm working on a coaching program now that will help people with food addictions.. I am excited about it. My journey to heal from food addiction started a couple years before I went raw, but once I found raw it really took a turn for the better.

It's happening everywhere and worst of all most people don't think they have an addiction, I know I didn't for a long time.

That's awesome!! I wish you the very best with the program. Your clients are already very blessed and fortunate. :)

[tanishamarshall]

Thanks... I look forward to helping as many people as I can.

[StarFire]

I thought I'd share a post that I put on my blog today with you. I hope you find this helpful.

Sometimes toxic people are enough to make a person fail and not meet there own goals.

I am so grateful that I can now recognize situations like these because if I didn't I would go on hurting because of someone elses problems because they tried to transfer there pain over to me.

It's real, people can transfer there problems on to you and cause you to be down, if you let them.

Be aware of toxic people and don't allow people to hurt you and place there problems on your back, you don't deserve it.



doc... yes this is a raw food forum, but this topic is something that is soooo important and I am soooo glad that you posted this. Everything you said is so true, and yes, these situations are very real.... and toxic people can cause us to cave and not meet our OWN goals.

A very timely word that is sure to help many of us, it is wisdom that we are able to 'tuck away' in our minds and hearts and when faced with this situation... we will remember your words and stand up and be strong in our power and the conviction of OUR TRUTH.

Thank you for this post... and I am sooo happy and proud of you and the fact that you took a stance for your truth... Blessings girl -- you did good!

http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s43/FireStar_830/2wps4zr.gif

[tanishamarshall]

Yes it can be sad, but it's also a healing opportunity for everyone involved. It can sometimes take years to see this, but I see it now. There are no victims, only participants and we all make choices. I send healing rays your way Doc...remember it's not you and whatever it is that your family member is grappling with in their life, it's not your fault or responsibility. Take care of you, send them prayers and love without judgement as much as possible -- and maybe listen when they're ready to sincerely talk. That's all you can really do in my opinion and based on my experience dealing with drug addiction issues in my family.

Sometimes it takes a while for us to know we are enabling people, supporting there problem and for a while I felt like I was wrong if I didn't do what they ask.. I remember during a time when I was really struggling a friend gave me a book called boundaries and I realized that it was ok to say NO to not give in.

[tanishamarshall]

doc... yes this is a raw food forum, but this topic is something that is soooo important and I am soooo glad that you posted this. Everything you said is so true, and yes, these situations are very real.... and toxic people can cause us to cave and not meet our OWN goals.

A very timely word that is sure to help many of us, it is wisdom that we are able to 'tuck away' in our minds and hearts and when faced with this situation... we will remember your words and stand up and be strong in our power and the conviction of OUR TRUTH.

Thank you for this post... and I am sooo happy and proud of you and the fact that you took a stance for your truth... Blessings girl -- you did good!

http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s43/FireStar_830/2wps4zr.gif


Thanks Star glad to see ya... I love your picture.. cute.

[RawKnitster]

It's real, people can transfer there problems on to you and cause you to be down, if you let them.

Be aware of toxic people and don't allow people to hurt you and place there problems on your back, you don't deserve it.




This has been happening to me for years and I didn't understand that until reading your post. I think I may be able to drop the burden of this person's problems off my back. I don't deserve it.

Going to print that quote and put it where I can see it everyday.

[northernstars]

I can so relate to this post! I had a boyfriend many years ago who was much like this person. When I would not cave in to his demands he went into the bathroom medicine cabinet and took several prescriptions that were in there. I called 911 they came and took him to the hospital where they pumped his stomach.

I located a training facility 200 miles away and got him involved there, BUT as soon as he left I moved and did not give him my forwarding address! He is still in the area of that school as I have seen him hitchhiking a couple times so I know he hasn't been successful with either suicide or life in general. But, I am no longer involved! I know that sounds heartless and maybe it is, but my life is also important!

[tanishamarshall]

This has been happening to me for years and I didn't understand that until reading your post. I think I may be able to drop the burden of this person's problems off my back. I don't deserve it.

Going to print that quote and put it where I can see it everyday.


I didn't notice for years but before going raw, I started to put the pieces together. Sometimes it takes a while to see how we allow others to affect us. Glad you are seeing this...

[tanishamarshall]

I can so relate to this post! I had a boyfriend many years ago who was much like this person. When I would not cave in to his demands he went into the bathroom medicine cabinet and took several prescriptions that were in there. I called 911 they came and took him to the hospital where they pumped his stomach.

I located a training facility 200 miles away and got him involved there, BUT as soon as he left I moved and did not give him my forwarding address! He is still in the area of that school as I have seen him hitchhiking a couple times so I know he hasn't been successful with either suicide or life in general. But, I am no longer involved! I know that sounds heartless and maybe it is, but my life is also important!

Sounds like you did the right thing, trying to get some help for him. He must have been willing to go.