View Full Version : working my way back
07-28-2008, 04:24 PM
to raw. sigh.
i know I can do this-I just can't seem to get to the BOTTOM of my food issues that make me hurt myself with food.
I heard on Oprah once that many addicts take on the role of their (1st) abuser.
That makes so much sense-but I seriously cannot figure out WHY we would want to keep hurting ourselves.
anyone have a clue? I feel that this may be the final major step in my recovery...
07-28-2008, 05:23 PM
While you're getting to the bottom of your food issues, you've hit an upper limit. Happens. No worries. You're doing fine. We're often side-tracked and detoured on our way to healing and wholeness. Regroup and welcome home.
07-28-2008, 05:27 PM
Welcome back! I've missed your presence here! It's an up and down journey. I know how you feel.
07-28-2008, 05:28 PM
I believe that we get into these patterns that are harmful to ourselves because we are repeating the past. At least that's what I am doing, trying to somehow make the outcome different than what happened in childhood. You also learned from your abuser and you are coping with whatever by doing what the abuser did.
Even though we don't want to do these behaviours we may feel powerless to stop.
I have gone through tremendous growth since becoming raw. Keeping raw as best you can, be present in the moment, become more aware of your emotions and thoughts, surrenduring to a higher power will all help.
Going to a therapist will also help, especially if you feel it's too overwhelming to go through it alone. I have been in sexual abuse therapy for 6 years and it has helped alot.
07-29-2008, 10:55 AM
SO great to see you Zaphirah!
I had a discussion with a good friend about this "taking on the role" thing recently. I used to take on my mother's temper randomly...and I'm not an angry person by nature. This other being would well up...I shared with her how it bothered me to feel possessed, for lack of a better word.
She looked at me over breakfast in this lovely cafe and said these words, "That stuff isn't yours...maybe it wasn't hers. It keeps being passed down." 30 years of trying to shed this crap and she says this, and it all went away. It was the right time, right place, right words...not only that I felt compassion for my Mom. Someone I hated all this time. When I told her the weight had lifted...my friend claimed it was the universe talking to me through her and that she was only the messenger...I still think it was her wisdom as well. :)
You will absolutely get there. The fact you are seeking answers and not hiding from it all means you'll be free faster than I ever was. You'll have that moment. Keep seeking it out. When you're ready to hear you will receive what you need to release. It's a puzzle only you can solve. By repeating I wonder if we are trying to work through the maze in a way. We're here to support you and give you hugs along the way!
Wishing you love and freedom,
07-29-2008, 11:10 AM
Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
You can do it!!!
Welcome back home!!!
::giving you a big cyber hug::
07-29-2008, 12:06 PM
Welcome back. I think what is most important is never giving up. Sometimes it takes us a while to find the right method to acheive our goal but if you keep looking you'll figure out what works.
I've learned that the reason why at one point I wasn't able to maintain my goals was because I didn't love myself, I thought I did but who would eat something that they know would cause pain, I did, I did that. Once I realized that I needed to start loving me and taking care of me, things really changed.
Also I was being to hard on myself, that really caused me to fail at one point.
07-30-2008, 05:42 PM
Hi Zaphirah, I just joined this forum today, and have just come through something that sounds exactly like what you're experiencing: the WHY of the repetitive syndrome, why can't I get passed this, what is the deeper thing I need to deal with, how do I do that?
I think I have finally done it now and can't even believe I'm comfortable saying that! It's a long story, but the nutshell version is: I just watched myself and waited. I kept being willing to go deeper into my soul. And when I felt terrible for eating awful things, I stayed spiritually detached and just watched and waited. I forced myself to believe that if my intentions were pure that I would find my way. I also allowed myself to enjoy whatever I was consuming, usually ice cream, because I didn't want to additionally beat myself up and also I suspected these days (pints) were numbered.
Our psychologies are all so different -- mine had to do with my mother, grandmother, their spirits, a few siblings, aging father, and my own extraordinary good fortune and unique callings. But in it all, there was a bizarre "code" that I somehow needed to break. A close friend many years ago had described it as "a bullet in your brain," which I didn't understand but knew was somehow true. I never forgot that phrase and that is what I was working with these last months. I wanted it OUT. I wanted to understand what it was, then I wanted to let it go.
So just be willing.....willing to ride it out, willing to go deep, willing to cry, willing to talk to and listen to spirits, willing to be patient. Also be courageous and keep reaching out to whatever sources you sense will yield what you seek. This is a major transformation, and the fact that you can identify your desperation is a sign of real readiness. Just watch it unfold and stay interested.
08-22-2008, 10:07 AM
still struggling. won't bore you with my tales of woe, but I have confidence that I will be coming back, stronger than ever. I feel like I am in a cocoon waiting to be released...tho I feel like that a lot-and just when I think I am DONE for the final time, I go back in for more metamorphosis....:cool:
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