Atlanta Single Mom of Toddler Having Trouble Returning to Raw: Anyone with similar?

[OhJennaveve]

Hey everyone!

My name is Jenna. I am 27 year old single mother who knows of the many benefits of raw. I was raw "back in the day" but don't want to spend too much time talking about the past.

I know deep down in my heart that raw is the way to be. I want to ultimately return to 100% raw for both me and my daughter. I have experienced the benefits first hand and have been able to see others go through extreme successes as well.

My main challenges are these:

1. I live at home with my mother. We don't get along very well and in fact are polar opposites. I am staying with her so I can finish school. She watches my two year old in the evening while I am at work and doesn't respect most of what I ask her to do for my daughter. I am concerned that my daughter, Seven, is not getting what she needs nutritionally. I ask my mom to feed her steamed broccoli and a sweet potato and I come home to find out that she's fed her chicken nuggets and canned corn. A lot of this is out of my control and I am struggling with immense guilt because of it. My mom knows nothing of healthy eating and is a meat eater to the core. To make matters worse, she even works in a meat department of a major grocery store! She complains everytime I put produce in the fridge that it's "taking up too much space", etc. She drinks and smokes and is everything I don't want to be. Not to mention she is very depressed and as a result is very verbally abusive to me, even in front of Seven. I've tried to get out of this situation, but I am financially strapped and couldn't even afford being someone's roommate. I have committed to "put up with it" until I finish school, but while I am here, I am STRUGGLING with getting back to raw. There are a lot of emotional reasons that lead me back to eating SAD and I am trying to get to a point where I don't have to let them control me. Until then, I need some support and some one to help hold me accountable BIG TIME. I don't want to blame my not being able to go back to raw on my mother per se...but I will say the environment I am in right now is a pretty dark and negative one. It's been hard to succeed thus far...

2. Secondly, the fact I do have a two year old, I struggle with the typical "what to feed her" dilemas. They are also mixed in with "What can I afford to feed her, What do I have time to make, and What do I have energy to make?" Not to mention where I live, I am CONSTANTLY battling people, defending my choices for a vegan raw natural foods diet. Its discrimination...and gets exhauhsting trying to explain myself all the time to doctors, teachers, babysitters, etc. It's even gone so far that a former friend of mine called child services on me and we went through a lengthy period of house checks where they basically came in and made me change everything I was doing...Things that I knew in my heart were right...for our health, for animals, for the planet...

So, here I am today wanting it soooo bad and feeling so beaten down by my environment and my circumstances. Of course, the feelings of pessimism, I'm sure, are only heightened by additional SAD. It's a cycle I'm sure a lot of you can relate to...I just need to know you're out there. This is my first time posting on here or any other raw food board. I've read through some posts and look forward to reading more. Thanks for taking the time to read through mine. I know it was long. It's been a long time coming.

Love,
Jenna

[Frugal Raw]

Welcome!! I wish you the best of rawesome health! I unfortunately do not have a toddler these days. Does it help to cut and arrange her food in kid-style ways? Like making it into fun shapes like flowers on her plate?

[oceanee]

Welcome Jenna~
Good for you for already having experienced the benefits of raw and wanting health to be so important for both you your daughter.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and maybe you just need to meet the situation halfway . Meaning maybe you can compromise your 100% goals to ones that are livable until you finish school and get out on your own. Do you have time to prepare cut up veggies and raw dips, fruits etc that are always ready to have available? How about making raw ice cream in the evenings? (Quick and easy and cheap )~Can you prepare dinner ahead for your daughter if you aren't home yet? And then if for some reason she doesn't eat it then you just eat it in front of her and within time she'll want what you are having....maybe..hopefully...??
I think if you can try to not feel guilty that will help too. We mothers just have a bag of guilt but it has to go. It's just negative energy and we can only change what is in our control .
Be gentle, take small steps and you'll get there. You seem to be trying hard to better who you are. It will fall into place and I would start with small changes and add more as you go along to elevate stress and confrontations.
Best of luck :) ~
Oceanee

[shashibala]

This sounds frustrating! You are doing a great thing by finishing school. I know it's hard, but keep going!
You will have many years to influence your daughter in the future.
Try to focus on yourself and you will be an example to your daughter and your mother. Good Luck!

[OhJennaveve]

Oceanee--

It's funny how someone you don't even really know can make so much sense. You're very right about me maybe needing to cut it down a bit until my situation gets better. I want to be at that optimum because I know how good it feels, but time wise, I would be stressing myself out to the max...or even with Seven, I would be overly obsessing about every ingredient that was fed to her.

It was a good suggestion and great advice! Thanks!

[Anastazia]

Hi, Jenna~
I totally feel for you, as a fellow single mom (mine's 12 now, though, with a whole new set of challenges!), & I hope you don't mind, I'd like to just brain-storm a little on your behalf, hopefully something will help! :confused:

~ Make her a green smoothie (a good amount!) to have her drink BEFORE you leave for work, as a pre-dinner...she won't have as much room for the meat & junk, but because it digests quickly, she will eat after awhile (toddlers eat smaller amounts more often, a good size mug will likely be enough to fill her up for an hour or even 2.)

~set up a little lower shelf (in the fridge, if possible), cupboard, even a little table with snacks (fruit, etc) she can help herself to...just leave a few 'treat' type of things (if nuts aren't still a choking risk for her & she handles them well, dates, raisins) & have the rest be super healthy! she's ready to have enough independance to know when she's hungry or not, & it's good for her to learn to self-regulate some of her food intake (rather than just eating cuz the clock says to...)

~Don't hesitate to (kindly) tell your mom that she's your daughter, & you have the right & responsibility to decide how best to feed her for her needs, (maybe she's not going along partly cuz she's likely feeling like it's a criticism of how she parented you...I'm sure you don't mean it that way, it just often feels that way to moms when they see their kids raise their own kids differently...)

~ Can you shift your daughters's mealtime back so you can feed her before you go to work? Or at least half her meal? Or can you go into work an hour later, so you can feed her yourself, & have more time with her? {Maybe your boss'll have compassion & be flexible...}

~Have you considered sharing a place with another single mom (even if it's a 2 bedroom, & you share a room/bed with your child? You can exchange babysitting, or do some extras for her to lower your rent costs, depending on your schedule...? Of course, if you work full time, & go to school every night, that ain't likely, I realize...

~Have you looked into Govt. or low-cost housing options? Usually there's a long waiting list, but not always, it's also based on circumstances....you'ld have to careful not to make it sound like it's too dire, but your living situation may help open doors. Check with the parent support groups, etc.

~ Do you have a church, or some kind of fellowship/community? Who knows, maybe someone has a house with a spare room or 2 who would love some company (think older single woman) in exchange for cheap rent...you could maybe keep up the yard, or if you drive, take her for groceries once a week, whatever you can barter to lower your costs...it can work, I've seen it happen! You could put up notices in all the churches in your neighbourhood, & in all the local free classifieds...the more specific you are, the better chance you have of finding a situation that works for everyone involved...
...they may even be healthy enough to bbsit for you, & would love to be an adopted grandma, or whatever...

~If you're not in school for much longer, & can really just grin & bear it, then perhaps you can find someone else to bbsit for you, in your home, just till she's in bed...even a neighbourhood teenager, even with your mom there, just to feed her, etc....it'd sure get the point across to your mom! It's be worth paying for an hour or 2, if you're able....or again, there's always bartering...can you teach them something? Do you do any art/crafts/music?

~You can even have another single mom pop over with her little one at dinnertime, feed yours, tidy up a bit, then go home...then you can owe her that time in bbsitting, (or half-time in housework...like, 2 hr's bbsitting = 1 hour housework help at her home...)

~ Maybe offer to cook dinner (or help with dinner, providing the nourishing parts!) not just for your daughter, but your mom, too, sometimes...maybe she's secretly jealous...? :o Show her that you want to see her eat healthy, too, it may help...offer her smoothies! (You can hide the greens with blueberries, I throw some frozen ones in almost every one I have now cuz it makes it so cold, & have no room in my freezer for ice!)

~Keep comin' here, as often as possible, for accountability & support! We'll help you in any way we can, & want to know how you're doing!
(& I'll keep you in my daily prayers, & your mom & daughter, too!)

{I really hope she's not smoking in the house! She may think meat's ok, as many do, but she must know about 2nd hand smoke!}

I really like Oceanee's perspective, you gotta be gentle on yourself & just do the best you can,
counting the days till you're free to raise her as you see fit...:)

Hope something here will work for you...or inspire others to brainstorm for ya, too!
(Sorry, it's hard for me to brainstorm too much right now, I still have brain fog! :rolleyes: )

~Anastazia~

[Anastazia]

Ha ha, just saw your response to Oceanee...:o
...just ignore my previous post...
*sigh*
~Anastazia~

[oceanee]

Hey Jenna ~ You'll make it , not to worry. It does help to know others have been there or close.
Oceanee

[domestic goddess]

As awesome as *we* know it is to be raw, it is still new enough that other people will think you are a freak/neglecting your children/etc. Been there with my step-father (we no longer speak)

My children are only about 50% raw right now. My plan is to increase that amount to closer to 75% but I will not make them be 100% as my dh is not raw, and I do believe it is a lifestyle choice, and when they are old enough to choose, I will let them. And keep my fingers crossed, lol.

My advice for you is similar to what has been said. Maybe there is soomeone who would do a house share with you and your little one, sort of co-op style, whereby you could trade babysitting, etc. Put up an ad at a health food store or in craigslist for a veg/vegan roommate- they will be more respectful of your choices, I would think. Also, with regards to your mom, less is more. Just don't even discuss your lifestyle choice with her. In fact Don't tell anyone what you are doing unless you are sure they are going to be supportive. I find that works best. It is no ones business what you eat or what you feed your child. Maybe if you can feed your child raw during the time you are with her then if your mom feeds her crap....it stinks BUT you have given her such great stuff that it will balance out, yk? That is sort of how I feel with my kids. They get their smoothies, and raw veg/friuts/nut butters and then if they eat a cooked meal well...I believe the raw I *do* give them is helping their bodies and is better than the averave kid diet.

I really hope you can find a solution that works for you...I know how hard it can be with no support!!! We are all here though! :D

[OhJennaveve]

Ana--Thank you for your brainstorm. They were great suggestions and honestly I have tried a lot of them already. Sometimes I wonder if I am making excuses for things not working or if it is an actual reality...
The last thing I ever want to do is play a "victim" but I can't help but wonder just how one person can hit so many dead ends...

I do belong to church, but I need to be looking for another one. I don't want to ask them for help--no one wants to ASK, but to be honest, they know of my situation, so I am suprised no one's offered. I just don't know what to think about that...

I have looked into cohousing, there is a great site for single parents called coabode where other single mothers either have or need a place to live. I have sent a few emails out, but no one has responded. So I have kind of given up on that. My options are limited because of what I can afford. I would get a full time job, which would make my life "easier" in the short term, but I would have to forego school all together--which is why I've kept yo-yoing back and forth over the years. I have promised myself I would finish so it would benefit us in the long term.

In an ideal situation, some family with a big house would give me and my daughter a room for free in exchange for some services. We as a culture have extra space, but choose to either be selfish with it, or be motivated to share only with money being a factor. If I had a home with some extra space, I would LOVE to offer a free room to a struggling single mother. I've even thought about live-in nannying (again), but with my daughter, it is harder for me to find jobs caring for familys. More often than not they want me to not bring her along. They feel they are paying me to watch their child and their child only. It sucks. I would feel extra guilty putting my daughter in childcare to go take care of another wealthy family's child. I just pray that a fun, free spirited family would just have a warm, giving spirit. But, God will make a way when it's time.

Oh well, I have to run, my two year old is telling me to "Get up". I guess I've been on too long... :)

How's Canada anyways? How long do you have to live there before you get free college? Are there many schools up there that offer nutrition as a major?

Jenna

[Anastazia]

You're welcome...
...& honestly, I would just go to your pastor, or one of the women in the church who can help you figure out the best approach, & let them know your current living situation is not working, & you need their support & help~ "Ask & ye SHALL recieve!"

How much longer are you in school for? Less than a year, & I'd say maybe hang in there, but longer than that, I'd say pray & press on for a better solution, a better environment for you both...

...keep posting at coabode, have someone help you reword your ad? be really detailed! & maybe print up a little flyer to give to the local churches for their bulletin boards...

...I, too, looked for a live-in nanny job with my daughter, & yes, most people don't want your child there, but some will be ok with it, (I've met a few), it just depnds on circumstances...if it's God's will, He'll make a way...

...the best thing I can tell you is to pray about it, trust Him, ask Him to make His will clear, in His perfect time, & then relax, rest in Him, & let go of the stress around it, for everyone's sake...you don't need a BUNCH of places, you just need one! He can do that!

I'll be praying he opens that door for you soon...but who knows, maybe He has you there with your mom for a purpose that has yet to unfold...

Canada is great, it's a beautiful place, & I love it (loved Texas, too, when I lived there for 6 years...), not sure about free college, having not gone that route myself, & yes, I know there are quite a few options for nutritional education, especilaly on the coast (where I lived for 14 years), I think there's even a couple colleges of nutrition around...I looked into it, way back, when I was studying Midwifery, but the details are long gone from my brain's memory banks now...

...If I had the room, I'd invite you to come live with us! My dream is to have a big place one day that I can open up to single moms...& I want to adopt, too! (Always thought I'd have ten kids!)
{Gotta get healthy first! This IS the year!!!}

Let us know how things are going, k? & if there's anything we can do to help, & to support you through this...I love kids at age two..I call 'em 'terrific (NOT terrible!) two's!" They're so full of curiosity, learning so much every day, expressing themselves so humorously & sweetly! My little one used to come up to me, pat me on the face & say, "Mama, your're the BESTEST mama I've ever had!" Still makes me grin!
Give your little sweetie a hug for me!
& what's the significance of naming her Seven? Jes' curious...I have a vague memory of someone I've heard about being named that, but can't remember who...(...there goes that brain fog again...)

~Anastazia~

[OhJennaveve]

Ana--

She came to me in a dream and introduced herself as "seven". I couldn't tell if she was a boy or girl--she was just this little ball of light and energy. (At the time I was eating 100% raw and really felt in tune to the universe). I knew that was going to be her name no matter what. After researching the number, it came to my attention that it meant spiritual completion and perfection. Having her has been a spiritual journey to say the least, but somehow she has completed me as if she was a missing part before I even knew of her. Then her father left us when she was 2 weeks old. He wasn't there during my pregnancy so I got used ot it early on, but regardless we haven't seen him since. The law finally caught up with him in KY for child support. They had to revoke his passport and suspend his license before he helped out. It was an abusive situation as well. We had to leave it was unsafe. Funny enough, no one would have told me to stay with him...so how is that different with my mom? Abuse is abuse no matter who it's from. That's how I am viewing it.

I applied for a bunch of nanny positions down in Florida today. I don't want to stop going to school, I just don't...but there is a bitter reality that there is a very limited chance that I could ever get as healthy as I want while living here. If I'm not healthy--Seven's not. She deserves a mom in a better state than this. I picked Florida because I figured if I moved out, I need to be too far to keep coming back ot visit. Hopefully, something will work out. I just need to get out of here so bad. I have been here for over a year and I have two years of school left. Sigh...too much to ration in my head. But, I do have faith God will pull us through. He always does. I just hope it's soon.

I've been eating crappy and went out to drink on saturday night. It's like when I feel bad, I keep turning to these self-destructive habits. I kinda feel what's the point of me trying to get healthy? I feel like I am a prisoner a lot of the time. It's like my efforts just don't make any bit of difference. Sigh.

It will get better. It just will. I keep praying and praying.

Thanks for listening to me rant. And thanks for the offer to put me up in your home. I've often thought about building a community for single parents and their children with small houses that are "just the right size". This community would be inclusive and have everything one needs within it through independent businesses. Like there would be a bookstore, produce stand, child care, co-op school, etc. I day dream a lot.. :)

Take care A,
Jenna