heartsick.

[Zaphirah]

My dh just dropped a bombshell. I am heartsick. I ate popcorn to cope. If I wasn't so sad I might feel guilty. The details are in my journal. If you are one of my dear friends that I overlooked for my buddy list-let me know.

I think I am in shock. I can't even cry. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, thank goodness.

my chest hurts so bad.

[Eva]

Zaphirah, please add me to your buddy list. I'm glad you're not feeling guilty. Things happen. I hope everything is going to work itself out!

[WendyLouWho]

I can't read your blog for some reason, but I couldn't read this thread and leave without offering a hug. ((((((((Zaphirah))))))) I'm sorry you are going through a tough time :(

[Zaphirah]

I added you both.

[Raene]

I too couldn't read your blog.

[Zaphirah]

yes it's been moved to "private" to keep out a particularly insensitive family member that's been lurking. I have no problem adding the names of people I "know" here. I will add you now.

[Thick]

I'm so glad you have this forum to come to. We all really, honestly care about each other. After all, we have so much in common, haven't we?

Now, if you're going to eat to cope, I suggest durian fruit. I'm only half kidding. It has a very mellowing, centering effect--very uplifting.

The best things Ive found to get rid of that feeling are --

1. talk about it a lot with someone you love..preferably someone hilariously funny.
2. clean furiously and throw out things when you start to feel anger
3. stay nourished to help you cope

Perhaps this is the week to splurge on that internet-ordered box of prepared raw food and desserts or a big box of organic delivered fruit.

Maybe splurge on a spa retreat or a raw food retreat. Maybe just a weekend in Florida or California..or ______. You could fly to boston to visit Grezzo=) Do something quick to love yourself!=)>

You are so much more than the tragedy that has been thrust upon you. I have read so many of your posts, you have helped me so much without even knowing it!

You may look back on this day and have an entirely different point of view..Don't let any part of yourself die--keep yourself intact and do something you love to do! (let me know pm if I can help in any way!)

Catherine

[Zaphirah]

Catherine-you are my new favorite. :D Thank you for your kind words-esp "don't let any part of yourself die." That's exactly what I have a tendency to do-cut off the part that is hurting, but then I can't feel as deeply as I did...any advice on reviving old dead parts? :confused:

[Thick]

any advice on reviving old dead parts? :confused:

Well, it might be overwhelming now..but you can rehash and deal with those places in your mind.
This is what happened to me when I first went raw--big time heartbreak erupted from 12 years ago..It was so strange..no trigger--other than a dream I had. It was very real and near..not at all brooding nostalgia--it was a physical pain that I had buried. Amazing that it was still there. Anyway, I did rehash it all in my mind and I do feel a lot better. I was really "cool" back then--I had the highest self esteem of my entire life-- a professional, childless chef in a cool town, hip length red dreadlocks and he was the "coolest" hottest guy I had ever dated.

What I finally found after detoxing it was that I can still be cool and 34. My body/the universe wanted me to find that self esteem I had lost when he moved out. I had left me there, all along..

Whatever's going on, make sure you come with you=)>

[Rawmommie]

I'm not on your list to view your journal, but I wanted to give you a great big hug. I hope that you feel better this evening. I've been through some heartache in my marriage and all things can heal with time if you want them to. Thinking of you!

[Bookish Lass]

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting.

[MrsJohnnyG]

I'm so new here I understand if you don't feel comfortable adding me, but wanted to send you some huge hugs... GREAT suggestions from Catherine (in fact I plan to follow her suggestions myself this week)... hang in there; things will get better!!

[mblessed]

Zaphriah,

~sending you lots of love and a big hug~

Please add me to your buddy list.

Your buddy,

Marcia

[Gittel]

Zaphirah, my heart goes out to you. And to your beautiful children.

Perhaps dead parts can be revived by action. Even if the feeling behind the action is not there yet. Just a thought from my personal experiences.

Big hugs to you.
Gittel

[crawmommy]

I would like to be added to your list; I look forward to your posts and blog. I don't know what's happening but I am praying for you anyway. Take care.

[Jenifae]

I hope you are doing better. Whatever it is it will pass and you will find a way to continue on. Life is such a trip sometimes. We just don't know why things happen until after we get through it alot of times.

Sending Healing Energies your way :)

[Zaphirah]

I added everyone that replied. I'm sure none of you are my FIL. :rolleyes:

I appreciate you all.

I am a little better today, but very very tired as I had a nightmare last night that kept me tossing and turning. In the dream I was going to be murdered, at a planned time, by being bludgeoned to death. I was doing everything in my power to hide/shield my children-but I couldn't let the "secret" out or the man said he would kill my children and torture them endlessly-in front of me. The National Guard came out to wait and arrest the man after he did it, but they said they couldn't do anything until after he killed me, as no crime had been committed yet. The man left and went and got a gang of evil criminals of the worst kind (murderous pedophiles) They were going to slaughter my entire family and friends who had come for a big birthday party. My husband wasn't in the dream at all, but many many vague and distant acquaintances were. What does it mean?

[OneBite@aTime]

I'm sending you love, and hugs, and strength....I'm not able to view your blog, but adding me is up to you-no hard feeling either way.

[garden granny]

I'm sorry your going through bad times right now, whatever it is, I will say a prayer for you.

[Raw Yogini]

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult times. Sending love and good wishes your way.

[tanishamarshall]

Hi Zap, I've been meaning to post for you to add me to your buddy list.

I am not sure what you are going through but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[GlimR]

It means you are under tremendous stress...I hadn't been on much recently and was looking thru the blogs and saw yours was private, then found this thread....you are in my thoughts and prayers hon....sending you love and light. Please add me to your list Zaphirah *hug*

[Eva]

And it sounds like you're torn, and like you feel like you have to protect your kids and are under attack.

It is wonderful you had this dream and remembered it. You are working through some difficult emotions, but you are clearly not stuffing them away, which would be "easy." Sometimes difficult emotions and situations propel us to work through the difficulty and come out on top.

I would like that think that is what is happening with you and that you will soon come out on top! :)

[Vivafree2]

Lots of love and prayers, keep strong! I can't read your blog if you will not addme to it, but my thoughts are with you!

[cherries]

I sure hope you feel better, I remember when I went through hard times, I was amazed at how many angels were there to help me. I'm sure they will be there for you too.

[Jenifae]

I have always had very vivid and active dreams so, learning how to read them is something I've always looked into.
Your Therapist might have some insight too.
Without knowing what you are exactly going through. It sounds like you are walking through some fears and feel threatened and protective of your children. Sounds like you are processing which most dreams are about.

Many Blessings and Strength
Jen

[rawstrength]

Dear Zaphirah,
You are a great mother and what you are doing for your children is wonderful. I have a nonverbal learning disability (autism spectrum) and I wish I could have had a mom like you! I know that you will find the strength to work through all of the trying emotions that you are experiencing right now. Keep doing what is best for you and your children and nevermind your husband.
All of us on RFT totally support you!

[love6kids]

Zaphirah,
I don't know what tragedy you are facing, but I completely feel your pain. I am so sad for you, and hope you can feel the love and support from everyone here. If you feel comfortable adding me, I would be honored to be on your buddy list.
Sending you hugs,
Alicia

[Zaphirah]

wow. I never realized I had so many friends. Thank you all so much. I have added you all to my list. It's not so much that I am trying to keep everything so private, it's that I am trying to block ONE person (my FIL) for gaining "ammo" to use against me and humiliate me, most likely in a large group. He does that in the name of "fun."

[Zaphirah]

rawstrength-your parents are so blessed to have you for their daughter. I have enjoyed getting to know you very much. Thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me to hear that. ((((((RS)))))))

[GlimR]

It is totally understandable you need your privacy...one of the best things about being able to share what you are going thru and your own feelings, etc...is that you can do so without judgment and fear of it being turned against you...thinking of you hon and wishing the best in this and all things~

[beckx]

zaphirah i'm sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time. :(

*lots of hugs*

take some time for yourself, make yourself a nice bath with lavendar and a nice raw dessert and eat it in the tub with relaxing music playing. you're the only person that can heal yourself so it's important to be extra good and gentle to yourself right now.

[debilana]

I too am sad to hear such a lovely person is having a heartbreaking time. I cannot read your journel at this time , but my thoughts and healing energy flow to you as one enlightened woman to another. As a great friend ofmine says- keep your chins up! You may add me only if you feel comfortable doing so- I know I only post here occasionaly,however I read most of what yall write and feel as if I know you all:)

(hugs)
Debi

[1bigfamily]

My heart goes out to you in whatever is going on. I understand how twisted people can be with "humor". I hope you can find some peace.

[ThnkYouJesus!!!]

Zaphirah - I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. Please know we are all here to support you.

[Erika]

I also couldn't read the blog/journal so I don't know exactly why you are upset but I do know what that heartsick feeling feels like. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know the pain hurts and the sadness sucks but I hope that you get to feeling better soon. I hate seeing people hurt and sad. Please keep your head up and stay strong.

Hugs and blessings,
Erika

[The Forager]

Zaphirah, I can't see what's going on but I just want to send you good thoughts. I'm so sorry to know you are suffering :(

[jacsam]

Sending love and peace your way!!!

[gritsnla]

Reading about your dream just made my heart sink. Know you are loved by many here who "know" you by the beauty of your words! Sending an angel over ^&^!!

[Zaphirah]

all that keeps running thru my head is:

"one foot in front of the other....one foot in front of the other....one foot in front of the other....one foot in front of the other....one foot...."

[debilana]

Zaph, can you add me to your buddy list? =)

[Zaphirah]

yup. I'm on it right now. :)

[debilana]

Now that I have read your story, I totally empathize.I have been through something a bit similar.

Remember- the woman of the house holds all the power of the family in her hands. Never be a victim! (I am not saying you are, just saying). Stand up, be strong, be a positive, shining influence on the kids and the husband. As you radiate positive energy and strength,you will feel it inside and it will help you cope with your feelings. Sadness can be overpowering and it is right to grieve- however, one must also move on afterwards or you will fall down the rabbit hole of sadness, depression,and pain. I speak this from hard experience.

We are all here for you! Keep pouring out your feelings in print and talking- this helps too:D

Raw Powah!

[Pansy]

Z, can't read either, please add me! Hope things are better for you!

[Zaphirah]

pansy-you are now in my elite club. ;) :cool: :p

[Pansy]

Z,

I sent you an email!

[moonstar]

... I am sorry for your pain. Can you add me to the list?

Thanks!

[raven]

Oh dear. I hope things have improved for you. I didn't see this thread earlier, haven't bee on the forum much. I hope the support here is helping somewhat. I don't know what's going on but, as others have offered, I'm well aware of the type of feeling you describe. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Suzy

[Apasaraw]

Hi sweet Zaphirah,

I've been sporadic at RFT and just noticed your post. Please add me to your buddy list.

I'm sending you lotsa love! The woman is the Light of the home...that's you...through you good things come to you and your family. Stay strong dearheart.

Apasaraw

[carolg]

Please add me to your buddy list. I am sorry for the struggles you are going through and believing "your best days are still ahead." I couldn't read your blog, but know that you are in my prayers. Give yourself a HUG! Actually all reading should do this as well. It may be the only one coming for a while so best to encourage self if that is the case. I'm preaching to myself here too.

carolg