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[RawSinger]

Hello everyone-

I'm going to ramble on a bit here. I hope that's okay, and I'd appreciate it if you'd read this and offer your opinion and advice. I'm sorry if this is inappropriate for this website but I really need to vent. Keep in mind that I'm only opening myself up like this because I ultimately want to be 100% raw vegan.

I started eating raw food in late January of this year. I was 100% raw for three weeks straight. I had cravings along the way but felt more in control of my eating than I've felt in soo long. Plus, I was feeding off of the excitement of the newness of raw eating. Then one day, I made a raw dehydrated recipe that I absolutely hated (I'm not going to mention which one). There was a problem and some of the ingredients in the recipe went bad in the process of dehydrating. After that, I said, "Okay, I'm tired of being 100% raw. I want to keep just a few cooked items that I love in my diet." I know that seems like a stupid reason to stop being 100% raw, but that's what provoked me. So anyway, I decided to be 90% raw, eating a cooked meal twice a week.

Being a food addict, and a serious binge-eater, I could not keep this up and was 90% for only about two weeks. That was sometime in March, and since then I've been back and forth. I've been 90% raw for a week, 80% raw for 3 days, 100% raw for a week and a half, 70% for a week, etc. If I'm being perfectly honest, I would say I'm currently about 70-75% raw. It's really frustrating going back and forth. It's more stressful doing this than going 100% raw or 100% cooked. I'm an all or nothing girl, as you can tell. Why not just go 100% raw?? Because I'm so emotionally attached to food for one. Two, I'm a real foodie. I love really gourmet, glamorous, Food Network food.

A lot of people here were vegans for like 10 years before they went raw. Ummm, I wasn't!!!!!!!!!! I was never even a vegetarian. Never wanted to be either!! I was a full-blown red meat, ice cream, and cheeze-eating and loving girl just the week before I was introduced to raw food. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of giving up all the foods that I love. I know I have a serious addiction. I know that I could learn to control my addiction and control the amount of cooked food that I eat with a lot of therapy. But I know that I could never deny how bad cooked food is for you. And that's the real reason that I can't continue to eat cooked. I'll never be able to truly enjoy it again anyway. And that makes me really mad. Sometimes I regret ever finding the raw food diet because of this. I'm angry. Sometimes I think to myself, "Well, I'd rather be happy and continue to have the foods that I've always loved and live a slightly shorter life." But of course that doesn't sit well with me. I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I need help. I need emotional support if I'm seriously going to make the transition to 100% raw for life. I'm not sure what kind of emotional support I need, whether it be one on one consulting, or getting support from people on this site, or what. I just know I need help. I would really love to have a raw food coach except I don't have the money to pay for it. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I guess that's all I have so say. Thank you for listening.

~Francesca

[Eva]

Aaaaw, Francesca! I'm sending hugs your way. I've heard it over and over, but it's worth repeating -- it took us years to form these habits! You are doing GREAT doing as much raw as you are, especially considering your previous habits.

I know you said you are an all or nothing sort of person... but perhaps you could have smaller goals so that you ARE accomplishing what you want.

I don't know.

But I'll tell you this. I have been on and off (mostly on) this journey, and the little bit of cooked makes me want more. Oh my and the same with ice cream. But when I do 100%, the cravings fade a bit to a memory every day that goes by.

Whatever you do, know that you are already doing yourself a favor. Don't be too hard on yourself!

[RawSinger]

Thanks Eva. You said such great things. Thank you. I really just need friends right now (I'm so embarassed to say this but I don't have any close friends). That's a big part of why I come to this site so often.

I know it can takes years to do this (look at Alissa). But I don't think I can handle years of this. I am very hard on myself and I think that needs to be one of my priorities of things to work on.

[RawHeaven]

Dear Francesca, I'm not sure if what I have to say is what you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway. You're being awfully hard on yourself and you're judging yourself very harshly. The other thing is it doesn't sound like you're completely convinced you want to eat 100% raw foods. You're focusing on what you cannot have vs. what is driving you to this lifestyle. If you continue to focus on what you cannot have, I just believe it will continue to keep you focused on limitations, lack and sacrifice.

I'm not saying it's going to take this long, but I transitioned from a vegetarian to a cooked vegan to a raw vegan over a 20 year period. It wasn't overnight. It took a few years. And I ate fish and poultry in between some of those years! And was a junkfood vegetarian as well.

To heal the yo-yo bingeing dieting mentality takes getting to the core of who you are and why you want to be healthy. It took me many years to figure this out. I would lose, gain, lose, get fit, over and over. Each time getting increasingly frustrated and highly critical of myself. I know exactly what you're talking about and it can be rough. Than you eat and sabotage yourself even more. It's a self-defeating cycle.

I really don't have an answer for you because the answer is within yourself. You're a highly capable woman so I know you will get there...where ever it is that you want to be. I just wanted to write to say you're doing GREAT and to offer my support. Honor where you are in your process and take it one day at a time. Scratch everything that has taken place or that you feel you haven't done "right" and just begin again. The raw food police do not exist you know? :p

Focus on what you want and what you're motivated to achieve rather than on what you do not want or do not feel you can achieve. Flip flop your success formula beautiful lady. You can do it.

:D

[gingincal]

I hear you, Francesca! This is not my first time to go raw. It IS, however, my most successful attempt thus far.

I try to focus on my successes. Any steps I take toward being healthier (than the totally SAD way of life I had been living) are reasons for celebration and joy!

Keep up the great work...the goal, better health, is far too important. Lots of folks on this board will tell you to enjoy the journey. I agree with that advice wholeheartedly.

Best raw wishes to you.

[Eva]

Oh geez! We're all here for you -- all reminding you to focus on your success.

And there really is soooo much success!!

:)

[RawSinger]

Thank you. Really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you :)

[RawPaw]

I struggle just like you. Well, instead of gourmet, my vice is fast-food. I still wonder why I'm underweight. Anyway, I know that the underlying problems stems from fear and stress.

And I'm reminded of a quote from some wise guy, "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?"

And, "Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?"

I try not to stress out about food. If I'm hungry, I should eat an apple. If I'm thirsty, water.

Be kind to yourself.

[ltcartwright]

I just started today, but I'm reading your post because I need to know that I'm going to be in this situation. I resolved from about 2 weeks ago not to focus on today or tomorrow or next week or next year....but to take each day hour by hour; then move day by day, week by week, etc. etc. I KNOW that this is the only way I'll make it. If I look past a mealtime, I'll destroy my efforts to get well and meet my goal.

I know I'm really new here, but I just thought I'd write since you sounded just like I do when a diet "fails" for me, or I fail the diet. Keep listening to everyone's tips and motivation, it'll work out for you eventually. And 70% raw is sure better than nothing!

[RawSinger]

RawPaw: thank you for your words. Actually, my vice is everything!!

Itcartwright: hey, please, in no way be discouraged by me :( :( I make things a lot harder for myself. You probably have more self-love than I do!! Sometimes, I just don't care enough about myself to make any commitment! Thank you for your response. I don't care if you're new or old, I appreciate all you have to say!! And sorry if this is TMI but I'm starting to get a sneaking suspicion that I'm PMSing because of how damn emotional I am :o

[Jenifae]

HI Francesca,

I can relate to you. I too have struggled with an Eating Disorder since, I was about 7 y/o. Food and Control over it has been my first addiction. I was first anorexic, then bulemic, then binge-eater.........which is the one that I still struggle with. I haven't acted out in anorexia or bulemia in over 12 years but, I will binge-eat at my emotions. Whether it is stress or boredom and everything in between. Sorry working on my feelings is important...journaling, talking, and even exercising helps to dispurse them.
I also, have been health concious my entire life and a gymnast and dancer.........so.....that tells more.
Anyway, what I have learned and continue to learn and work on is that I want to be healthy and free from my cravings/addictions. Including my addiction to my weight. The only way to this successfully I believe is by having a raw diet and an emotional support group.
I think I'll start a thread for us.
I'm glad you are here. I think you are exactly right where you are supposed to be in your process. And it is a process. You have a desire to want to improve yourself and have started that process.
My favorite quote is: "Progress not Perfection"
So, like alot of others have already told you. Don't be so hard on yourself and mark your successes.

:) Jen

[Raene]

I'll never be able to truly enjoy it again anyway. And that makes me really mad. Sometimes I regret ever finding the raw food diet because of this. I'm angry. Sometimes I think to myself, "Well, I'd rather be happy and continue to have the foods that I've always loved and live a slightly shorter life."

~Francesca


I often think this too. It's sad to watch all the ignorant people happily eating their SAD foods. I really think sometimes ignorance is bliss. But of course, they're the ones who're getting cancer, depression, and all sorts of other problems and diseases. In the long run we're better off, but it sure is hard to be the one who is different.

[JudyMac]

Dear Francesca,
I'll be your Raw Buddy if you want one, we can help each other :)

This is the second time I have tried to go Raw, and I was vegetarian before, so it is not always easy.

I also understand where you are coming from on the food front. I love Thai and Italian food, not necessarily gourmet, and enjoy spending time in the kitchen.

On the first run I had at Raw I found that it was the lack of recipes that was my problem. Alissa's book is excellent, but I felt that I needed more chance to play, to make meals from the heart. Zen in the kitchen.

I would be happy to keep in touch, and exchange recipes with you :)

[Raspberry4]

Rawsinger - I know exactly what you are talking about. That 'all or nothing' mentality is crippling. It filters over into other areas too, like exercise, work, and just getting things done, or not. Believe me, you will not heal yourself until you can let go of that mentality. I am saying this with love, not ridicule because I live it myself. Until we accept that it is not healthy then we aren't moving forward. Try not to look at your diet as only 80% or 90% or whatever - pat yourself on the back to say - hey I ate alot more raw food today and congratulate yourself. You are doing so much better than most people. You don't have to be 100% - that will come when you aren't stressed about it. Or, if you stay at 80% raw - you are doing better than most of the population. Sorry I am rambling - I just want you to see that in order to get rid of that all or nothing you need to keep complimenting yourself on what you have accomplished, not focus on what is not getting done. I am doing this too. If I keep shooting for 100% or nothing (in diet, exercise, work, etc.) I will keep getting nowhere because it is difficult to be 100% all the time - it robs us of strength just to get through the day. Keep complimenting yourself and know that you are making good choices and try to relax a bit. I will follow my own advice too. Good luck to you on this interesting, healing journey... :)

[Raw Angel Mom]

Francesca, when i read your post, i see a powerful woman that is true to herself.

May i suggest to focus on your accomplishment always and simply learn from each experience. You have learned that if you make exception it keeps you uncomfortable because you crave more cook food versus the freedom on being 100% raw. Some people can do cook food and raw food but it seems like someone like me cannot.

So don't worry right now for the cook food, focus on the fact that you are still making room for the raw food. Increase your intake or greens for some reasons, greens seem to heal addiction. We all are different with different needs, maybe dehydrating food isn't for you. The vegetable crackers from allisa Cohen and her banana crackers are absolute phenomenal. So maybe try them.

Never let yourself caught up upon guilt, failure or anything that doesn't make you feel good, but instead focus on your accomplishment. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without suppressing them. Cook food bring us comfort and somehow suppress our emotions, but once we are ready to feel and simply know that those emotions are just energy that doesn't reflect our true essence, the desire to want food to suppress our emotions will fade away, because your beautiful inner light will brigh up those shadows and free this energy to life.

Congratulations for being so honest, and for still doing wonderful thing for your body. I was vegetarian for 7 years prior to do only raw food and i had to go through the discomfort and still does because i am still under the spell of cook food BUT i accept it and in perfect time, when i am ready, i will commit to 100% again keeping in mind that i won't be able to make exception. So we are learning from our experience. I love raw food and i love what it does to my body, there isn't any doubt in my mind that this is for me and i accept that i am addicted to cook food.

Watching dvd such America New diet. The true diet, etc... has helpt me to have strong root about standing my ground with dairy. I had no problem with meat for i was vegetarian but after seeing what dairy do to you body and blood vessel, it was enough to heal any craving for dairy. Hey, i still eat what i love, such raw ice cream, raw nut milk, raw chocolate milk, raw nut cheese, etc....

Just be present with your body, feeling and allow yourself to be happy now and not until or will be but right now not matter what.

You are doing so wonderful!

[iluvmangos]

If you're craving ice cream, I know an easy way to make it. Put a frozen banana and a handful of other frozen fruit in the food processor and process on high until smooth. You might have to put a couple tablespoons or so of water in it, too. I'm sure you could use all bananas for the fruit if you wanted to. You could use some raw agave if you like it a little sweeter. This turns out kinda like soft-serve ice cream. It's really yummy and helps when you're craving ice cream. You can make it any flavor you want.

[Theogirl]

I hear you! I've been struggling with the same issue. I had posted a thread a few days ago (Can't go back). I started feeling like people were telling me "well, you should know better and if you're going to eat garbage, you deserve how you feel!" (we don't always like comments that are a little too true!)
I've been raw (with exceptions!) for two and a half months, approx. I tried to go back a few steps and eat less raw, but when I do my body totally rebels! I started feeling really sad about that. Like I had no choice anymore. The really cool thing is that even when I thought I'd had enough, my body just keeps on coming back to raw. Which is not what I expected. Usually my good resolves don't last all that long despite my best intentions! This one just won't leave, my body has been magnetized to raw foods!! I need my fuel!
So I'm just trying to be gentle with myself like I would with a friend who was trying really hard but had years of bad habits ingrained. I have a long time to perfect this, the rest of my life - and I plan for a really loooong life (right, Fresh Freckled Face??)!
Trying to make my slip ups vegan (sweet potato oven fries was my thing yesterday) and if I occasionally foray into non-veg land, just get back on track again and keep on plugging.
Smile, you're eating the best food in the world!

[IamLoved]

Hi Franseca!

Your post sounded very familiar to what I have struggled with in the past. I too am very all or nothing. I love to watch those cooking shows and I love cooking for my family and creating goumet meals. I also love looking at cookbooks and gettign ideas from them. I was not a vegan or vegetarian before going raw and I went from meat and french fries to raw vegan overnight. I also have struggled very hard with feelings of being annoyed or mad about raw foods and in the past I have felt "trapped" by raw foods. It is strange but I can understand it because food is such an emotional thing and when now we can no longer eat those foods that we associate with comfort or joy it can make us feel deprived at times. If you have SAD people around you and they are all eating something that you can't then you may feel like you are outside looking in and that you no longer are able to "fit in" with them. I have felt all these things.

Now, let me tell you what has helped me.

Now when I watch those cooking shows or look through cookbooks I am trying to figure out how to create new raw good for me foods that my family will like.

I started jogging. It is really so amazing what this has done for me. I love the fact that I can jog 3 miles now without stopping. This is astronomical for me. I could never jog, even in high school, for any distance without feeling like I was going to die! I will be participating in a 5K on the 4th of July this year, my first race ever and I am so excited. I love the way I feel after I finish my jog. Proud and happy and healthy, and yes, tired, sore and exhausted, but in a good way! It is easier to stay raw now that I am focusing on exercising as well because I know that if I went back to SAD I would not be able to do this jogging and I don't want to give that up.

The toughest one is eating with family and not being able to eat what they are eating. I know this very well. When you visit with people make it about the company and not about the food. Remember how great you feel when you eat all raw. One day at a time, one meal at a time, you can do this! I have gone on and off and on and off and I don't ever want to go off again. I keep reminding myself of my goals, what I want to accomplish and the person I want to be. It is all tied into eating raw. I can either persevere and prosper or I can continue to fail and be miserable. I choose to prosper.

Find something to motivate you. Mine is jogging and my desire to one day do a marathon. I want to be strong and be able to run and play with my children and climb mountains. What is your motivator going to be?

[northernstars]

Becoming vegan for me was strictly an intellectual decision! I have always been very interested in nutrition and always ate what I considered to be a very healthy diet. When I read Green for Life. I decided to go raw vegan. That was also just before I had a massive stroke! I have certainly received health benefits due to this decision, but still consciously want and intend to make the healthier vegan foods a part of my diet, too.

But, my biggest problem with that is I am still torn because I insist that I need and won't substitute one high quality food for something less in value! So, I really haven't strayed much at all, but the option is still available. And my choices are still intact!

[MrsJohnnyG]

I've got too much of a detox headache going on right now to read this entire thread, but I just had to say... THANK YOU for posting this, as I have many similar feelings, and thank you for all the wonderful replies... I love this forum!!

[RawSinger]

Thank you :) You all are a blessing. And an extra thank you to everyone who admitted to their struggles and that they've had and/or are having similar feelings. But we don't have to give up and we won't.

I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

[erialicia]

I am sitting here reading this and seriously this could have been written by ME!
OMG! You and I are so similiar! I am a binge eater, all or nothing, perfectionist. If I blow it by a margin, it is an excuse for me to eat all day long. If I feel I did not eat the right breakfast, instead of picking myself up and moving on, I will literally binge the entire day. Okay, this has been going on for 15 years! I am currently about 90 pounds overweight because of this. I am so trying to get raw to work for me, because I have literally tried everything and eating raw is so healthy and I know it would be good for me.
I too think, well i'll live myself fat and maybe cut my life short by 15 years or so...I dont' want that either! I feel stuck..mentally. I feel like I need therapy, seriously!
I only found out about raw one month ago, till then I laughed at vegetarianism! What no meat?? YOu must be crazy! Pass the cheese, the salami and im happy! Ive just been reading and researching and KNOW those foods will eventually kill me. Ive never met a fat person who ate greens!

Hang in there, email me if you like...

erialicia @ aol dot com

[RawSinger]

I am currently about 90 pounds overweight because of this.

What the heck!! I'm currently about 90 pounds overweight because of binge-eating as well!! Weird similarities...