Accepting ALONE-NESS.

[Zaphirah]

I have never been one to have many friends, but I usu had 1 or 2 very close friends, until after college. Then I went thru a pretty serious depression and a very weird time in my life (joined religious hippie cult, etc.). I ended up with no friends and relied on my family for social interactions. Even at 21-22 I was never into the club scene, drinking, so that kinda put me on the outs with my peers.

FF-I have moved to a new town. People seem to like me, but again, I am the weird one. My children have food allergies so they are never invited to people's houses because they don't want to be responsible for them. I have offered to pack food, but people have just dwindled on the invites.

I have also been working with a wonderfully motivational life coach and have discovered how mentally ill my family is-just about every single one of them. Dh's family too. (mainly substance abuse, but also Borderline Personality disorder, poss. schizophrenia (untreated), and Reactive Attachement disorder).

Right now my sis is upset with me and not speaking to me and yesterday my mom informed me that she is going to sue me and have nothing to do with me or dh.

I know I have to let them go, but once I do I will be truly alone in this world. That feels so weird to have no friends AND no family. (I still have my dh and my children)

Dh and I are lonely. We love each other, but we feel very isolated. Since we are already labeled "weird" in this town we have decided to live here for aprrox 12 more years, then when our children graduate we are going to up and sell and move again to where there are people more like us.

So how do I not feel sorry for myself and feel the pain of being alone? I want to be strong and feel okay without a family....

[Revvell]

What you put out you create. If you put out that you're "weird" and different then you will be perceived that way.

I'm certainly considered different yet I am the organizer of the chapter of a national women's group. While everyone else is dressed in business attire I wear running pants and tennies.


Since we are already labeled "weird" in this town ....

By whom? YOU!!!
I am the weird one. You call yourself that then put out that no one will like you while saying people seem to like you. I'm confused. :confused:


I have also been working with a wonderfully motivational life coach ..

Sounds like something is missing from this picture... You don't sound motivated

... and IF the problem is REALLY in that town, then why waste 12 years of your life there?

According to you, your children have no friends whose homes they can go to (can/will the children come to yours?); your family and his are mentally ill but they were the center of your life before when? Your mother (or your sister) is going to sue you....

One thing my teacher use to tell me a lot was ~ if you feel isolated, you need to see how you are isolating yourself.

I've heard all the excuses ~ well, I eat raw... so what? So do I and as I said, I run a chapter of a business women's national organization; I speak at them AND I eat raw!

We can make excuses for who we are and what we do but what I say is ~ if you don't like what's happening, change your thinking. Do daily appreciations. Look around for groups YOU can join and realize you may be different but that doesn't mean "weird". (Look how often you use that word in your post).

Revvell

[Zaphirah]

That's how other people perceive us. They roll their eyes etc. They tell us how they could "never" live the way we live (with autism, food allergies, etc.) No one knows that I'm raw, so it's not raw that I'm blaming it on.

I don't mind, in the sense that I feel that many people are in the dark, they don't know what they don't know. :p

I'm just feeling very alone right now, with both my sis and my mom "dropping me" in the last few weeks.

Yes, in my early years I did look to them for support, approval, etc. Now I am learning that they are mentally ill and are toxic to be around for any length of time.

I'm trying to accept my "new life", one without family. I had hoped to move here and make friends, but since we aren't into hunting, BMX racing, NASCAR and tractor pulls, we stand out. We haven't found common ground with anyone yet, so that in itself is isolating.

Revvell-I often get the feeling that you are annoyed by me, by my questiing and attempts at personal growth. is that true? I mean no harm, and I like you quite a bit. it seems that if I question something you seem annoyed. Perhaps I am "reading" it wrong, I guess if you were truly annoyed, you wouldn't answer at all? :confused: :p

[RawHeaven]

Revvel speaks the truth. Re-read what she wrote from an empowered space. It is very easy to blame issues in our lives on external sources. Until we go within and look in the mirror, the "issue" or "problem" will never change because we've given our power over to an external source. It is okay to feel a certain way, your emotions are valid, but you have to take the leap of faith to want to change. If you don't change your thinking to focus on what you WANT, you will always experience the same isolation over and over and over again. It does not matter where you move or when, YOU will always be there with how you feel about yourself. There's a famous quote..."Wherever You Go There You Are". You cannot run away from yourself. We create our experience. It's not the other way around. You're sitting in victim energy without realizing you have the power to change your circumstances. Only you can do this, no one else can. And until you get this, the (authentic) advice that you seek will come across as uncaring criticism. If someone really cares and genuinely wants to help, they will not be validating this for you. What you're healing heart is seeking is someone to validate that it's okay for you to be a victim and I suspect from what you've shared your life coach is counseling you in this way. When in truth you've got to walk through your own stuff to transcend it. I've been in your shoes myself, as have many, it sucks but it's possible to change. It begins with you. Bless you Zaphirah.

[rawxstasy]

I see what you mean with the activities that people in your town like. That is why when I was looking for a place to live, I searched for places that had activities that I enjoy. In the town I live in, if you're into shopping - you would definitely be bored. But since I like outdoor activities I enjoy living here. However, there are lots of people here who are not outdoorsy and they still find people to hang with.

Until recently, I felt pretty isolated, and I discovered that I was isolating myself. I also used to think I'm "weird" and I've stopped labeling myself that way, now I'm "unique". I'm finding a whole new world is opening up to me. It is definitely true that the world we experience is of our own creation.

Use, "findmyspot.com" to find an area that suits you better. And if you decide not to move, I bet if you put it out to the universe, you will find some people to connect with in your area.

[Zaphirah]

thank you rawheaven for clearing that up. I "get it" now. I knew Revvell was right, but I didn't see it in the same light that you represented it.

Yes basically i am having a pity party today. I just can't seem to find the balance btwn writing them off completely and being overly enmeshed with them.

I try not to feel the victim, and try to stay empowered and think positive, but somedays I just think "WTH? Will it ever end?" and unfortunately I'm having one of those days. I'm having trouble putting one foot in front of the other.

In the past 2 months we have been slammed medically, financially, and now in our family relationships.

rawxtasy-I like what you said. I will try to keep it in mind.

[Revvell]

Revvell-I often get the feeling that you are annoyed by me, by my questiing and attempts at personal growth. is that true?

I read what I wrote and saw someone getting you to look at what you say to yourself; how you perceive yourself and what you're putting out. What you put out is what you get back.



I mean no harm, and I like you quite a bit. it seems that if I question something you seem annoyed.

An inaccurate perception.


Perhaps I am "reading" it wrong, I guess if you were truly annoyed, you wouldn't answer at all? :confused: :p

There you go!

Here's another thing... I mentioned that one thing you might consider is more appreciations. Each one of us took the time of our lives and busy schedules to give you feedback on how you can change your situation (if, in fact you want to).

Suggestion: go to the "Appreciations" thread and do them every day for minimum 30 days. Find at least 10 things to appreciate every day. Look at what and how others are doing who are doing this. I knew many of them over the past 2-3 years. They are making major changes in their lives ~ for the better.

Take care!

Revvell

[Apasaraw]

:) Hi Sweets!

Well you DO have family, so never doubt that. Your hubby and kids are your family.

And I'm here to tell you I totally get it. I agree with what everyone is saying...you have to choose your reality and perceptions and you don't have to accept the crap people hand you in the way of their eye rolls and looks.

A question: WHY stay there for 12 whole years if you aren't happy? What could possibly be keeping you there? Maybe you need to make a list or description of the perfect place to live and try to make it happen. You totally could! Anything is possible...

Some people are different...and you should be proud of the choices you have made for your family. They eat well and you tend to their allergies. You love them and they love you. Frankly you'd fit in very well in Southern California where everyone has an allergy tattooed on their forhead and meal gatherings are hilarious. (I say this with love and humour....I love being a Cali native.)

I do get it because I live in the same freakin' town (very rural and tiny) in a matter of speaking. I don't get the eye roll...I get the up and down glance with a judmental grimace on the end. ;) The culture here is so encapsulated and very different than me. I live here for the work. While I have made many nice aquaintances I would venture to say after 5 years I do not have any real friends here either. I love working with the people here though. I don't socialize often and when I do it's rather hard. People are not open minded about things I find to be totally normal. (yes, oil is running out, conserving water is necessary, mac and cheese is not a real color, people are free and equal, yes my shoes are weird) I just look at the whole thing as living in a foreign country where the locals really don't get me and I really don't get them and it's totally OK...but I try to meet them half way always...and 100% if I have to for the job. I never waste time with negative haters...no one should.

Try to stay positive. We all get down and do soul searching but don't let it keep you down. Be proud of your differences. Find the place you would feel more happy living try to get there...if you ask, it will come. You are the only one who can change all this...and it starts with attitude and a paper and pen making a list of what you really want. Then as Revvell suggested....please come to the appreciations thread...it'll change everything about your perceptions of everythng!

[juliebove]

I don't understand why people wouldn't invite your kids over because of the food allergies. My daughter has a lot of food allergies and she gets invited to play. If she is going to be there for several hours or at a meal time, I just send some food for her to eat. That's easier than trying to explain all the allergies to someone who most likely isn't going to have much for her to eat.

[oai]

i wrote the longest post, and it disappeared. now i have my bunny with her bazooka by my side. i shall not be disturbed. :)

from personal experience, i've shed a lot close friends due to depression. as i reflect back, it wasn't much depression. it was more like i felt i was allowing myself to finally be free as i grew older, & i was sad that this growing was going to be a different path from the path i was originally on -- comfort in the familiar y'know. i don't know if that will resonate with anyone.

your post sounds a lot like you're defining the things you're not happy with. some people know they're not happy, but don't know what it is or either pretend like all is peachy. i'd say vent the heck out of yourself in a journal or whatever. then find solutions. like with your kids not being invited to get togethers, maybe you all can get to know NEW people who are okay w/ your kids. you or your family don't have an obligation to spend time with them. some people just have different interests. find solutions for your unhappiness.

open yourself up to what you could do. maybe like others have mentioned, maybe a solution to a lot of things is just a simple perception change. who knows. but try out different things. different ways of relating to people. different ways of feeling not "alone." different ways of seeing thing.

much happiness to you. :) think of the bunny. when people came near her carrots, she poked out her bazooka. :)

[Care4raw]

I have never been one to have many friends, but I usu had 1 or 2 very close friends, until after college. Then I went thru a pretty serious depression and a very weird time in my life (joined religious hippie cult, etc.). I ended up with no friends and relied on my family for social interactions. Even at 21-22 I was never into the club scene, drinking, so that kinda put me on the outs with my peers.

FF-I have moved to a new town. People seem to like me, but again, I am the weird one. My children have food allergies so they are never invited to people's houses because they don't want to be responsible for them. I have offered to pack food, but people have just dwindled on the invites.

I have also been working with a wonderfully motivational life coach and have discovered how mentally ill my family is-just about every single one of them. Dh's family too. (mainly substance abuse, but also Borderline Personality

disorder, poss. schizophrenia (untreated), and Reactive Attachement disorder).

Right now my sis is upset with me and not speaking to me and yesterday my mom informed me that she is going to sue me and have nothing to do with me or dh.

I know I have to let them go, but once I do I will be truly alone in this world. That feels so weird to have no friends AND no family. (I still have my dh and my children)

Dh and I are lonely. We love each other, but we feel very isolated. Since we are already labeled "weird" in this town we have decided to live here for aprrox 12 more years, then when our children graduate we are going to up and sell and move again to where there are people more like us.

So how do I not feel sorry for myself and feel the pain of being alone? I want to be strong and feel okay without a family....



HEY ZAPHIRAH,

I am sorry you are going through a tough time.Maybe you are just finally grieving the loss of the kind of relationship you wanted with your family. Maybe a bit of old fashioned grieving is just what the doc ordered!Nothing to be scared of.

I think you said the move is new?Well, I can relate. I have moved ALOT!There's def a lot of emotion attached to moves. I honestly think it takes awhile to acclimate to a new home and community. Its a BIG DEAL!I once had a friend that said she thought it really took 2 to 3 years at least to feel its HOME!My eyes jumped out of the sockets ready to protest when she said that.However, she may be right. That thought actually HELPS me be more relaxed with each move.My expectation is not that everything will be 'perfect' right away and that it is a process. Helps me really appreciate the small things (and really what else is there).

So, as they say , this too will pass. Its great that you are reaching out. Sometimes a empathetic email can really help move things along.

lOh, lastly here's a cheerleader list to be peeked at when you want 'cheerleading,

1.Check out meet ups locally, check out raw foods or spiritualism, etc.What ever your interest they will have a group.
2Go for walks outside daily. The most 'mystical' antidote to depression(lol).
3.Question your many fears that are 'running' you, "Is it true you will be 'alone' once you let go of your family?'Can you absolutely know its tru that you'll be alone?
Thats part of Byron katies work.can really turn your world around, if you are into it she has a website to google.
5, Do art!!That is the most amazing way to process in the midst of a move. It can show you the way.Even a 10 min watercolor or scribble..

I could go on..Stay online. There's many friends here.

[Jenifae]

Hi Zaphirah,

I can relate. My Husband and I moved into this new home and environment almost 2 years ago and we are just now feeling more secure and settled in. I am still making new friends and some women I feel a kinship with and connected and some I don't. I have the tendency to focus on those I don't so, I work hard on appreciating the ones I have and self-love.....affirmations, visualizations, etc. Sounds like you come from a dysfunctional family which alot of us have. I think it's hard not to if you're on the planet. But, some have it tougher then others, like yourself. In spite of it all you are actually doing very well just by the sheer fact you are sharing here says you are working on your healing. That's Wonderful :) Going through major changes takes time and healing your past and the residual issues also, take time. Be gentle with you. Those who avoid or won't connect with you may be doing so because, they don't want to look at themselves, maybe? Sometimes, sometimes not. But, I have learned that it is healthy for me to not continue to look to those who are emotionally unavailable to meet my emotional needs....(ie; our parents and dysfunctional families) I am and continue to learn to stay close with those who are emotional present for me and I for them and embrace those relationships. Which, are few but, tremendous.

Many Blessings to you and Love and Light
Jen

[RawPaw]

I've been eccentric all my life. If I wasn't, I probably would not have tried the raw thing. Being sheeple isn't something to be proud of. Have you tried meetup.com to look for people like you in your neighborhood?

[Conscious Midwife]

... I had hoped to move here and make friends, but since we aren't into hunting, BMX racing, NASCAR and tractor pulls, we stand out. We haven't found common ground with anyone yet, so that in itself is isolating.

:confused: :p

Surely that isn't all everyone does in your town. Surely not!??!?

Start your own meetup at meetup.com, you might be surprised how many people might show up for...

Yoga
scrap booking
Tai Chi
Autism support
Attachment parenting
Wicca
Crop Circles
Moon Watching
Hoemschooling
Picnics
quilting
Swing dancing


You get the picture. ENJOY!!!

[Revvell]

Swinging
You get the picture.

*erases swinging and puts swing dancing* :cool:

[Conscious Midwife]

*erases swinging and puts swing dancing* :cool:


Ta he he that's what I meant

[trinity082482]

Aw I am sorry that you are dealing with being lonely. You need to find accepting friends. I have a friend who is and child is both allergic to certain foods but I never exclude them from anything and they know that I will provide them with an alternative.
I think other people should do the same or they arent really good friends to begin with.