Who I am is not who I thought?

[Cinammon]

Hey

Am thinking a bit lately about the difference between who I am and who I thought I am - if that makes sense?

I thought I could go raw no problem, but I ended up going back to not just cooked, but to meat as well.

I thought I could stand out against the crowd, but I'm finding it harder than I thought at work (bitchiness, etc)

I thought I didn't self-sabotage at all, but now wonder if I self-sabotage all the time?

I thought I could 'go it alone' - no organised religion, etc, but instead I fell prey to a few New Age type gurus, and have spent time wondering if I should go back to the 'organised' church; if not even turn Catholic(!) just for some guidance/stop going it 'alone'.

I thought I was pretty tolerant, but I may well judge far too much (form of defensiveness, probably. Hopefully ...!)

And maybe - I thought I was a much nicer person than I actually am.

And a lot of this has come about over the raw diet. Has ANYONE else gone through anything like this??? Or any words of wisdom welcome here.

Sorry it's a longish bit.

Love

Cinammon x

[lil fairy z girl]

hi, i read your post and i feel sorry you are feeling like this. i wish i knew who i really am, i know what i want to be but the reality is the opposite. i think that we are all changing i don't think that we can just stand and "be" i think maybe we change because of situations and stuff in our lives. i also think that we can be hard on ourselves and see ourselves negatively, i know we are not all wonderful, but we are not bad people either. you are not all bad either. i hope you can find some hope and comfort, i really want you to feel better, i hope i haven't offended you or made you feel worse, that is the last thing i would want to do.

kindest wishes
sal
~*~*~*~*

[Cinammon]

Thanks, Sal! Nooo, of course you didn't make me feel worse! You made me feel comforted!

Love

Cinammon x

[lil fairy z girl]

:)

thanks
sal
~*~*~*

[agumble]

I think going raw gives us a new sense of clarity that opens our eyes to who we are and how we act. Before going raw, we were able to suppress what we didn't want to see, but raw doesn't really let us do that anymore. I found that a lot of my actions weren't matching up with who I am and who I want to be. For example, I used to go out and drink on the weekends, and I used to be able to brush off my drunken behavior as just that and treat it as no big deal. During my period of transitioning when I was going back and forth between raw and cooked, I found that when I was drinking, I was no longer comfortable with my behavior. It wasn't me. I decided to give up alcohol completely and now I feel so much better about myself and my actions. I think this whole process is very experimental and that it takes a long time to really figure it all out. My advice is don't be afraid to try out new things or change aspects of your lifestyle. It's the best way to find out what you're most comfortable with and to truly define yourself.

[SbutterAMfly]

Any words, or thoughts or ideas of who we are can never be who we actually are. They are very limited to what we think we know.

To have any expectations of who we think we are will only let us down when we experience a moment where we are not acting in that way. By being attached to any idea or view of ourselves will cause suffering when it doesn't work that way. And that's inevitable—nothing is ever exactly what we expect it to be.

I've learned that living in the moment, without expectations of ourselves allows us to choose who we are going to be in that moment, and that's all we can do. We're always changing, so is "who we are".

[Aleesha Sattva]

i can see by your post that you are swinging to the opposite extreme of where you are... thinking the other extreme WILL bring you the comfort/sense of community/sense of self/health you desire. i am guessing that perhaps it is more of 'balanced middle-ground' which will serve you well.

when people first go raw, many of them cannot do it 100%. they fall victim to the cravings, people's opinions and the limited choices out in the world of restaurants. it's not like there's a LOT of raw foodists out there.

i find that being gentle with myself and with my choices is vital to my continuing on this path. when (and if) i choose to eat something cooked, or perhaps a SAD or non-vegan salad dressing... i just simply allow myself that choice. i don't feel guilty over it. i don't pine for another choice... i just simply make the decision and focus on something else... like great company or the blueness of the sky!

guilt does not have a place within you. as you are cleansing your body... you are also cleansing your memories and your mind. guilt is like SAD food. you have no 'real' need for it although so many people 'think' they do have a need for guilt. why bother? you did what you did because that's where you were at the time (past) you chose what you chose because that's what you had to chose from, you choose what you choose because this is the choice before you. period. (that goes for every action, not just eating)

the lesson here... is to work on making better choices in THIS moment. who cares what you did last year, month or yesterday... today is what truly counts as it's all we really have!

so... in this moment... what is it you need to choose? are you about to eat? then your choice is food. are you about to yell at someone? then your choice is how you want to communicate IN THIS MOMENT. are you about to contemplate your spirituality? then your choice is what 'feels' right in your heart right now!

it's not really that hard when you take it one moment at a time rather than attempting to make the choices for the next 20 years in one day. :)

i wish for you, your greatest good, your most wonderfully perfect path for YOU.

[maui_butterfly]

i think agumble has it right... its not that you are not who you thought you were, its that now your eyes are opening up to your "shadow self", the you that you've been denying you were.

you know when someone else does something and it triggers us, makes us really angry/upset/sad/whatever? that's usually a pretty good indication that we are looking at a side of them that we are denying in ourselves. the truth is, as human beings, we have all the facets of our personality -- the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. when we open ourselves up to all these different facets, the result is that we feel more connected to everyone else around us! its actually pretty hard work for the personality to keep defining itself as separate/other/different/special, and causes us a lot of stress and feelings of isolation as well.

we are special, but not in the way we think. who we REALLY are transcends all the stuff that our personalities do, you know?

in my experience, the turning point in discovering my authentic self and living my own truth was the day i realized that i was NOT the saintly, sweet, kind, giving, non-judgemental, self-sacrificing woman who never got angry with anyone. that was a tough day, but in embracing all that i truly am i have found so much freedom, self-love, and unconditional love for others.

good luck to you!

[Aleesha Sattva]

jennifer,

beautifully said!!!

[maui_butterfly]

jennifer,
beautifully said!!!

aw, thanks!

[Morn]

The cool thing is it gives you new goals on who you Want to be! Its all good - don't fret. Self realization and getting real is important if you really want to change!

I love people who are real! :)

[feralcat_9]

Thanks for sharing Cinnamon, (that is pretty raw emotion there), so you are doing great!!! I think making the decision to go raw is a huge change in anyones life. You are grieving what you know/knew and entertaining the possibility of what if. I think anyone who has given anything up, be it alcohol, food, drugs, coffee, etc. has gone through the push and pull that you are going through. It is perfectly normal. (In your own time) is the key, so do not be so hard on yourself. Give yourself permission to be human with all of your imperfections. Imperfections make us human. I am beginning raw myself in the next few weeks. I viewed the dvds and read Alissas book this weekend and am so excited.

[shashibala]

Cinnamon, You are fine just as you are! You may be the nice you or the grumpy you or the judgmental you, but you are you and that is enough! As we begin to clear our bodies and minds I think it's common to all of a sudden be critical of what is. We become so excited about the possible future that we can glimpse.
Seeing what is true about our lives is hard and facing change is also hard. I have felt very unhappy about myself and my life at some points over the last couple of months that I've been raw. It gives us a a good opportunity to practice treating ourselves with the same tender love and care that we try to offer to others. Be gentle with yourself and things will unfold in time. ( and I will try to take my own advice!:) )

[Apasaraw]

i can see by your post that you are swinging to the opposite extreme of where you are... thinking the other extreme WILL bring you the comfort/sense of community/sense of self/health you desire. i am guessing that perhaps it is more of 'balanced middle-ground' which will serve you well.

Exactly what recycling goddess said.....perfectly said.

You will find the balance for you. It's your journey.

We all swing our pendelums in different ways...you aren't alone. I went on a coffee indulging kick awhile back. (did I say that out loud?);) Sleep wasn't restful and I was a crankypants from hades for a week or two. The orange juice eventuallly won out. But I reckon it'll happen again sometime. Enjoy your moods...gota get'em out so you can evolve and see why they're there....they're trying to tell you something.

Rather than feel bad about the change in the pendelum swing...just add something raw to your day. Just one thing with no self judgement. Enjoy and the mood may move you toward your middle road again. In the meantime be grumpy if you want to. We all have moods to express. I like that you are feeling your feelings and being totally out there with them...that's awesome actually. You're being real.

[Vivafree2]

That is very strong and honest! It might not be as extreme as you see it now but it requires courage and self knowledge to verbalize it!
Raw is quite powerful for my insights too.
Keep raw!

[Cinammon]

Thank you so much, everyone! Really thoughtful, energy-giving responses. I'm v grateful.

I feel much better today - really think it maybe is to do with the whole 'real' thing. Something which has loomed up vaguely in the background before. I've always thought I had to be nice, etc - and so maybe all the nasties I've been attracting have been all the nasties in me I've not been acknowledging? I do kind of believe that.

Apasaraw - absolutely, one raw thing a day; one raw meal a day, is just where I'm going just now. Only way I can do it. Not the way I'd prefer to do it (hey, who wouldn't want to be glowing raw goddess overnight?) but the way I -me- am going to have to take it.

Agumble and Maui Butterfly - absolutely agree, raw diet opening things up, projection in play. Who'd'a thought it? (Maybe just that time, also? but wouldn't have happened without raw? maybe every time is potentially that time??)

There's a book by Debbie Ford called 'The Dark Side of the Light Seekers' which describes projection v well - and I kind of believed it anyway - but it's AMAZING how you just don't see it's connected to you when you just don't want to see it!!! Denial ridiculously powerful thing!

Morn -liked what you wrote about liking people who are real. I'm finding it difficult to be 'real' - afraid people/God/my spirit guide/whatever won't like me/give me credit, if I'm 'nasty'! We're all taught so often to be 'nice', by religion, our parents, etc - God, this was all so much clearer in my head!! Feralcat and Vivafree2 - sooo nice to read your comments re honesty.

Think I'm making little (or large) breakthrough here with whole 'being part of things' thing. I'm not as good as I thought I was, other people aren't as bad, I should stop thinking I'm somehow 'separate', and should stop being afraid of being 'contaminated' by them (I blame my north node in Pisces/south node in Virgo, for that(!) South Node equals past life/lives pattern you're trying to break, north node is pattern you're trying to achieve)

SButterAMfly and Recycling Goddess - incredibly comforting things you wrote. Don't know if I can believe it fully, but love them.

Shasibala - excellent advice! Hope you are taking it yourself!!

Hope I don't look a prat for listing everyone here like an oscar winner(!) - I'm just so pleased that everyone, from Lil Fairy Z on, responded, and responded with just what I needed to hear.

Sooo - I'm horrified to realise I'm not as 'good' as I'd always thought; clearly I've quite a way to go, but -at present, certainly - it is SUCH a relief to realise I don't have to stay 'separate' from everything else (as if that were possible, anyway) to somehow keep myself 'pure' from all the nasties around - and how can I anyway, if they're part of me?! Whatever you see outside you, is inside you ...

Hope this sounds OK - excuse is, I'm reeeaallly tired, if it doesn't(!)

Thank you all again. Love the lovely forum!!

God bless,

Cinammon x

[blix]

Eating raw does cleanse thoroughly. Also, when God catches you in His net and wishes you to follow Him, He cleanses our souls and in order to do that He shows us how He sees us. Jennifer, you are so right. We all want to live in harmony with our fellow humans and our planet. It is frightening to see us how others see us. But remember, the side of us that we always see is still there.

God loves you and keep eating raw and let God build you into who He knows you to be, body and soul.

[Cinammon]

Cheers, Blix. I don't see God as a 'He', and I don't believe in the 'net' idea, but thanks for responding!

Love

Cinammon x

[Morn]

Morn -liked what you wrote about liking people who are real. I'm finding it difficult to be 'real' - afraid people/God/my spirit guide/whatever won't like me/give me credit, if I'm 'nasty'! We're all taught so often to be 'nice', by religion, our parents, etc - God, this was all so much clearer in my head!! God bless,

Cinammon x

Yeah I know what you mean about it being difficult to be real - but really we ALL have ugly things inside of us that we need to change and aren't proud of. We all struggle with something cause we aren't perfect. If we were we wouldn't need God or each other for that matter. I think it is our weaknesses that keep us humble and give us the drive to want to change for the better. God accepts us for where we are at and people - well if they are truely friends they will accept the good with the bad.

[Cinammon]

Thanks, Morn. Interesting re the friends thing. I tend not to keep friends (or people I assumed were friends). Wonder if it's because they're just the wrong friends for me, or because I'm not being honest? or something completely different?

This whole 'real' thing could lead into v unchartered waters.

Love

Cinammon x

[yamiam]

Cinnamon,
to me you sound like your are on the right path. We all struggle with identity issues and when our mind is clearer from eating raw foods, we can see our true selves, minus the mask! This is when we can decide if, whether or not we are ready to take off the mask and put it up on the cooked food shelf, where it belongs... for GOOD!!