View Full Version : Not the Most Supportive Partner
06-03-2005, 05:47 PM
After a month of on and off raw food eating have decided to finally "just do it" as Nike says. I expressed an interest in veganism to my partner (ever since I've known him I have been vegetarian, and his partner before me was also vegetarian), However he's not all too supportive of the idea - and I haven't even mentioned the "RAW" part yet. He is worried about the whole am I getting enough nutrients/calcium/iron etc etc etc. He knows that I am doing this anyway but is wary that I'm going to damage my health???? My Mum is also concerned about me giving up dairy even though over the years I do go through phases where I don't eat dairy at all.
Have any of you guys gone through the same thing with your families?
I have read alot of info about how we do get enough protein/calcium etc on a vegan/raw vegan diet so I'm fine with it. But are there any really good websites that give you SCIENTIFIC data.
Also, as partner is a 'steak and 3 veg' or 'pizza' or 'meat and bread kinda' man does anyone have any recipes that I could make to entice him to try some of my foods - what has worked with your families before.
Sorry for the long thread, and thank you for any suggestions that you do have. ;)
Have any of you
06-03-2005, 09:13 PM
I told my husband tonight that tomorrow I am starting RAW!!
His comment was " What are you going to eat, green beans?"
I laughed and told him no, and explained to him what WE were going to be
eating. He says " I'm not eating that raw crap"..
Ok, so I have the same problem, my man is a beer drinker, eats snacks like
crazy, red meat, etc etc... He is not healthy and he knows it.
So, I am going to have to show him by example. I told him I will still "cook"
for him, but will try and sneak him raw deserts,.. he does love guacomole!!
I feel your pain!!
06-03-2005, 09:33 PM
Get the book "The China Study" by T. Colin Campbell. Talks about dairy, cites scientific studies and references that you can check out.
Believe me, after you read this book, you definitely will be glad you are giving up dairy.
06-03-2005, 11:17 PM
Family situations can be tough. My immediate family, are at least vegetarian. My husband and 3 kids eat cheese/dairy outside of the house, but at least in the house about 90% vegan. My husband prepares his own meals and therefore, I only prepare food for myself and 3 children. Slowly, I have introduced more and more raw dishes to the children. Right now, they eat about 3 to 5 raw dinners each week. Their breakfast is about 50% raw and their lunches (which I pack) are between 80 - 100% raw. This has taken about 6 months to get them to accept 3 to 5 raw dinners each week.
Since it is their choice what they eat, I would suggest slow transitions!
On the other hand, I don't have to deal with extended family, as I live quite a distance from parents and siblings. So, we only have to deal with them once or twice a year. They fully accept that we are vegetarains and will always have special dishes for us. When we visit, it is only me that eats raw. The kids can choose to eat what I am eating or the vegetarain options on the table. Or, they can choose a combination of what I am eating and what the vegetarian options are on the table. My children will not choose to eat any animal, since they have been vegetarian for so long.
I guess, that I am lucky in that respect, that my family fully accepts that our family is vegetarian and makes an effort to always have several vegetarian options. In fact, after 13 years, one of my brothers and one niece has given up red meat! Hey, it is a start!
06-04-2005, 12:16 AM
I decided to go raw and started with a three days water fast to jumpstart my detox. My husband was not home for 3 days. When I talked to him on the phone I just told him I didn't feel well. By the time he came home most of my "ills" were gone or going. So I was able to move to juices and pick at fruit for 2 days then I started to eat raw things and count out of the regular dinners. It took DH almost 2 weeks to figure out something was up. (In fairness to him he is gone for 24's at a time.) He did notice the changes taking place in me. Weight loss being the first big thing. I continued to make the standard meals but slowly added one raw thing to each dinner in addition to the green salads that were pumped up with rainbow colors. I also started to add fresh juice, smoothies and sliced fresh fruit to the breakfast. One night at dinner DH asked "What is up with the new menu's, my weight loss, and the general positive changes he was seeing in me." So I told him I was eating RAW and he said Don't expect me and the kids to do that! LOL I told him I wouldn't expect him to do anything different as long as he would continue to be nice about my raw food. I said I would continue to cook for the family but if he didn't mind I would also make the things I could eat and incorperate it also. He said he had no problem with that as long as he had his meat and potatos with gravy! He gave up b**r last year. HAHA
Now he says "You know I don't mind eating this stuff you make, I feel better when I am finished eating . Not so heavy or weighted down. And he loves the changes in me and my health. The kids are not so easy. However they love being able to have smoothies and juices for breakfast. And I let them eat all the raw cookies and flaxcrackers with hummus or avocado they want. Alissa recipe book has been a life saver. Because it has a menu plan for 30 days that I have been using to added even more raw to the family meal. Also The Complete book of Raw has great recipes. If you let him see you eating raw, feeling good and continuing to cook his favorites, (slipping in raw with it,) he won't feel threatened that his comfort foods are being taken away. Reminds me of the story of 2 frogs in boiling water. The 1st frog hits the water finds it hot and jumps out. The 2nd frog jumps in while the water is only warm and swims around very happy not noticing that the heat has slowly been turned up. Before long he's cooked! or possibly in the case of raw hooked! As for extended family we just didn't tell any of them, but it wasn't long before they noticed a big difference in me. That is when I told them and gave them my books to read. Now several of my older children are going about 75% raw also.
Best advice would be to give it time and let everyone see the changes in you while leaving your books out for them to browse. At this point I don't feel that I have to make everyone I love go raw I just want them to add raw to what they like eating. Their taste will change and soon they enjoy it more on their own. Lots of people on this site have family that range from all cooked, to 50-75% raw, to 100% The beauty of this way of eating is.. you can have it your way and they can have it theirs. There is no right or wrong with raw, there is only better choices. Good Luck
06-04-2005, 12:28 AM
I couldn't agree more with levamssg - The China Study is one of the most powerful books I have ever read on the subject of nutrition - and I have read quite a few. If this book doesn't stop your partner from eating animal-based protein, nothing will.
As far as working with family, you are not at all alone. There are SO many raw folks in your same situation. I am blessed that my husband is very supportive and loves the food, but my extended family is very scinical about the whole thing. I got the same arguments about calcium, protein, iron, etc. I read on a thread recently that it seems odd to ask someone if they are perfectly OK with filling their bodies with petroleum-based dyes, unhealthy fats and cancer-causing preservatives. However, when someone tries to improve their health by eating fruits and vegetables, they are labeled as an extremest and that way of eating can't possibly be good for you. What is that all about?
Anyway, you might try doing what I did. I involved my doctor in my decision to go raw. He was very interested in learning more and was very supportive. He also ran an extensive series of blood and urine tests at the beginning of my conversion. In a few months we will do it again and see if there is any change. I suspect there will be several changes for the better. I come from a family of engineers, doctors, and biochemists - all sceptics. And they think they know better than anyone on the subject of health and nutrition even though none of them have ever studied it - and certainly not as much as I have. But it all goes back to that extremist assumption - there must be something wrong with you that you would want to do something so radical. I think the baseline to that way of thinking it that it calls into question their own eating habits. And that is a subject most people don't like to face. I suggest you approach it scientifically. I provided one of my relatives with the following web sites:
In the meantime, get Alissa's book and start preparing wonderful foods that will make your partner wish he was eating what you are. My husband loves the raw ravioli and pea soup. He also really liked the mock salmon - oh, and the date nut torte in heavenly. Teach by example. That is the most effective influence you can have on someone you care about.
Hope all this helps.
Best Wishes. ;)
06-04-2005, 01:26 AM
Someone mentioned in one of the replies that they will need to lead by example. This leading by example is so powerful and I can attest to this! When my husband first told me he was going to fast on just raw fruits and vegetables, I laughed. I said there was no way I could eat that way --- I hated eating vegetables to begin with so to eat it only raw was unthinkable to me.
Well, after 2 weeks, I noticed such a big difference in him -- in his overall countenance, there was a healthy look about him, and he had more energy. He also was not as easily irritated and just more calm. He just looked healthier!
After noticing all of that, I started paying more attention to his "raw fasting". One day, he made this green shake (spinach, apple juice and banana) and said I had to try it. I hesitantly agreed and I could not believe how good it tasted! After seeing the huge difference raw fruits and veggies made on my husband in such a short amount of time, it made me want to try it. [And I am the most pickiest eater in the world!]
The neat thing about it was that my husband never forced any of the raw foods on me. He said that he wanted to eat this way and that I didn't have to. He just let me go about my usual cooked way of eating with no guilt whatsoever. Of course, as he was making a lot of smoothies (he didn't know yet about the raw desserts you could make), you could hear him in the kitchen just raving about it saying "Oh my gosh...this is soooooo good!" LOL!
As a result, I've been raw since late August 2004. Although, during the holidays, I went back to a lot more cooked foods (didn't know how to handle the holidays raw) and have been struggling trying to maintain a high percentage of raw since. But I'm working on it!!
But I wanted to post this as an encouragement that leading by example works! It definitely is a blessing when both spouses are on the same page when it comes to health and diet.
06-04-2005, 01:57 AM
Thanks guys for your support and ideas. I do think the leading by example is definately a good point. My partner (who is a PE trained teacher) used to be more focussed on his health and use to exercise everyday, but now he's in an office job and doesn't seem that interested in exercise or health anymore which I find difficult as that was one of the things we had in common at teh beginning of our relationship, but I know that is his choice. He does generally try all the 'raw' desserts I make and likes most of them but when it comes to more savoury dishes we have totally different taste buds. Like I make something that I think is fantastic and it doesn't do anything for him, so it's interesting finding stuff that he may also like. :confused: But I do keep offering him a taste of things that I make.
I have no intention of trying to pressure him into eating the same as me - we haven't eaten the same very often at all anyway with me being vegetarian and him a meat eater, but maybe with my transformation into a more healthy person he may come to realize that I'm not jeapordizing my health which he seems to think now.
Anyway I might go check out that book a couple of you mentioned. :)
06-04-2005, 07:27 PM
wow, thanks everyone! what great ideas and sharing. This was really helpful to me. My husband isnt' hostile to raw, he's super supportive of me doing it (I've got 18 pounds to lose still) but he's afraid because we did it about 3 years ago for 6 weeks and he lost so much weight he was as skinny as our 11 year old daughter! (he's only 5'5", but still!) he is really underweight right now and thinks that raw will make him disappear. anyway, I tell him the reason he's underweight is cause he's smoking a pack a day and eating maybe one meal a day, and that's only if I cook it for him! anyway, leading by example-SO SO great. I can tell he's already getting motivated to quit smoking and start taking better care of himself. My kids too. Everybody's watching me cause they've heard mom say, "I'm going all raw and that's that" about 100 times, so they are watching to see if I stick with it this time. I really get how inspiring it is for others when we really stick to it.
06-04-2005, 08:04 PM
I was skimming through ,so if someone already said this im sorry !!! But my parents felt the same way ,finally I had too say if you support me or not Im dOing it ,so just get used to it!!!!
THEN they noticed two things ,I went back to my pre op body and health , and all the yummy recipes- so they think (atleast my mom) its GREAT....
06-04-2005, 10:24 PM
let me think. When you will have done raw foods for a couple of weeks or months, and your body will have experienced wonderful transformations, like:
* brighter, open eyes
* sexier body
* more energy
* younger, more beautiful face
* happier attitude
then, I am sure, your partner will only want you to continue doing what you have been doing. (Mine did!) Furthermore, I think that raw foodism can be contageous between the partners.
Well, one exception would be, for example, a jealous husband who wants his wife to be less attractive, so as to minimize chances of someone else wanting her, and too tired, so that she has no energy to look for someone else.;)
All the best,
06-05-2005, 03:01 PM
Thank you all who replied to Zeeraw! I too have a less than enthusiastic family around my being raw. All your support for Zeeraw really work for me too.
I find that my raw calmer self is more able to just let my family be and eat my own way, where before with other food changes I would try to force them. I had tried so many health diets (not for weight loss but for healing) and they saw me give each one up. I can only imagine that they are wondering how long this will last. They are surprised too that I am not complaining about how they eat and that they should do what I do. I am about 40 days raw now.
The biggest things for my husband to see is that I am 12 lbs lighter (I am bearly 5' tall so this makes a real difference), and I wake up early every morning. He is impressed with this. I haven't been 98 lbs since we were married (pre children). I have always been a heavy late sleeper. Now my husband is the last one up in the morning and he finds me painting in the family room!
I am going to read that book mentioned. It will help me to know more myself.
Thank you all,
06-06-2005, 09:24 AM
My husband thinks that I am crazy for trying a raw lifestyle. I have been a vegetarian since I was a young child, so he knew what he was getting in regards to that when we started dating. But, I struggled with becoming vegan. It has taken me many years to become a happy vegan. He is somewhat supportive of my dietary choices, but occaisionally makes rude comments about vegans, and now that i am raw, he doesn't know what to think.
I think that he is most impressed by our grocery bills, because produce is a lot cheaper than all of those processed products...
I think one of most influential books that I have read is Fit for Life, Not Fat for Life, by Harvey Diamond. I read parts of it outloud to my husband, and he was interested.... anyways, it is nice to know that we aren't alone in our struggles to improve our lives, with partners that can be unknowingly hurtful.
06-06-2005, 01:56 PM
not to be too idealistic/corny -- but the whole leading by example thing IS so important. i thought that when i became vegetarian 18 years ago, and when i became vegan 8 years ago. i'd NEVER prostletize or even mention to being vegan to anyone unless they asked, but the reactions... almost ALWAYS some sort of guilt and excuses on the other person's part -- as if they knew it was the right/healthy/moral thing to do and they were slacking... without me saying anything, really, or flashing my PETA card, they THOUGHT about what it is to eat animals, to take part in the dark underbelly of the food chain. of course, sometimes there are the belligerant people... the ones who come up with some phooey about protein or what have you, but i think they might be criticizing out of some sort of latent guilty feelings as well.
anyway, now, going raw, i've kept it under wraps pretty much. my boyfriend is the definition of supportive and has also gone pretty much raw... but i'm actually afraid to "come out" to my parents. giving it some thought, i know this is because it is on account of them that all my "issues" with food were born. i know i don't have to explain to them all i've gone through to get here, but it's the patent subtext in my mind...
but i'm working on it. it's going to come up sooner or later.
06-06-2005, 02:57 PM
If someone were to ask me this before they went raw, I'd say:
Avoid making a proclamation -- don't tell people (including close family) what you're planning to do unless they're already exploring it and in it with you.
Avoid proselytizing -- no matter how excited, electrified, and enthusiastic you are, few people like to be told that they way they're living is wrong (and this is the message that comes across, of course).
Be a shining example -- the transformation in your physical, emotional, and spiritual health will be impossible to ignore ... and will possibly intrigue those close to you. This is the classic Do It vs. Say It that really proves what is real. It's true in love and it's true in living foods. People can say a bunch of words, but it's (only) the action that really matters.
On another note, sometimes we women feel like we have to "fix" people, especially our spouses, when, in reality, it's only ourselves that we can do anything about. I'm not presuming that this is true for you, zeeraw -- just thought I'd mention that because I know how easy it is for us to feel that we're responsible for decisions those in our families make when we're really not (not including small children in this, of course).
As far as family goes, even though I'm in mid-life, my mother still expresses concern over some of my dietary choices. She doesn't think they're wrong, necessarily; she just knows what the establishment says, and she leans toward believing those "experts". How I reply kind of depends on how I feel. Sometimes, I'll explain things in detail -- for example, enzymes or amino acids -- and sometimes I'll just say "I"ve got it covered, Mom." I do have the benefit that she trusts me, doesn't try to meddle in my life, and thinks I'm smart enough to educated decisions about things like this. On the other hand, though I've been a vegetarian of one type or another for over 25 years, my dad still asks me if I'm going to have a turkey on Thanksgiving and says he'd come over more if he wasn't afraid of starving (!!) -- he thinks he's funny, but it did start getting tiresome in the second decade!
If I were younger ... or more invested in their approval ... I'd probably not tell them what I was doing.
Even now, if someone notices the way I'm eating, I just say "I'm trying to eat more healthy food" and leave it at that. "Raw" conjures up strange images and is hard to explain -- which, for the most part, just isn't something I'm interested in putting my energy into.
Good luck with your partner. Perhaps the best thing for you to do is have low expectations (I know that may not sound very uplifting! LOL) and just keep adding more fresh things that he'll eat: salads, fresh fruits, smoothies -- ya know, the things that most people go for. And, check these threads for the ones where people have listed their favorite recipes. I've found that the more people that like one, the better the chance of it appealing to non-raw eaters (like the famous chili recipe and the onion bread and ice cream recipes).
By the way, d'ya have Alissa's book? There are a few others that have good recipes, too. Again, you can search this forum for those suggestions, too.
Best wishes!! The most important thing is for YOU to be and stay raw! We're all here for you on that one :)
06-07-2005, 02:02 AM
Wow thanks to all of you who have responded - some great thoughts from you all. I do have Fit for Life not Fat for Life by Harvey Diamond plus the second book after that, though haven't read it yet. (Been busy devouring Shazzie's and Alissa's books plus a couple of others [non raw related] - personally I don't know why I'm trying to read 5 books at once but I just wanted to read them all like NOW.
I spose the whole supportive families/partners is an issue we all have to come across whenever we change/fine tune our dietry habits/belief systems etc.. Sometimes I do think maybe people aren't so supportive or open minded because of fear of what may be 'unknown' to them.
Anyway once again thanks heaps for your answers and support.
06-07-2005, 02:29 AM
Hi all good discussion here.
Try this website http://www.notmilk.com/ for great info on dairy. There is also a book by the heir to Baskin and robbins (John Robbins I think) called "Diet for a New America" which provides alot of studies to do with meat and dairy that are against them. very interesting reading.
06-07-2005, 04:45 AM
Why would anyone want to stay with someone who does not support your magnificense?
My hubby doesn't always eat raw, he eats cooked several times a week, and often eats meat, at least 2 or 3 times a week.
AND he supports my raw food totally, and I support him totally.
I don't try to change him, it's his life, and his body, as long as he is happy why should I attempt to change him, as if that could ever work anyway.
I don't "HAVE" to change him to make myself feel better or more worthy, or right, I allow everyone to be who they are.
He helps me make my raw food, grows many kinds of veggies, fruit and nuts for us, is a totally organic gardener, and makes the best raw desserts I've ever tasted.
He really loves buying me exotic fruits and veggies, and growing things for me, and he does all of his own cooking either outside on the grill, or in the garage, he has his own kitchen out there, and I never have to see, or smell his food.
He often eats my raw food too, and each week he gets a little more raw, but even if he didn't that would be fine, as he is happy, and healthy.
He is tall and thin and hard muscled, he looks about 25 and is beautiful.
so, I'm not complaining at allllllllllll -- he is yummy!!
But, if he didn't support me, I'd leave him in a hearbeat, why stay if you aren't being treated like the goddess you are?
06-07-2005, 11:18 AM
RP, isn't that the truth! My husband supports my choices, thanks goodness. I have never told him what to eat or not eat. Over the years (10 years) he has gradually eliminated animals from his diet. He also cooks what he wants to eat. I prepare food for myself and the kids. We sometimes eat together, and other times, he will just sit at the table with us and talk/socialize. That way, everyone is happy!
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