Appropriate language

[Firicia]

Hey everyone, I have a question for you.

I am wondering what you consider acceptable to hear from your parter (husband, boyfriend, lover, girlfriend, wife etc..) when it comes to language.

I am just wondering this because I am feeling weird right now. I was just upstairs talking in the living room right by my boyfriends computer about the costa rica vacation all of us are taking in a month. We were trying to firgure out what to do to get my boyfriend excited because he didn't seem too interested. So we started bugging him about asking his boss to let him, and then I made a comment (and yes, my fault for saying it 2 times today) about how he's had 2 days as of today to ask but to be fair his boss was... as I was about to say "busy today" he cut me off and angerly said if you say that one more time I am going to hit you so hard your teeth will fall out of your head.

It was soooooooo harsh, and right infront of the other roomies/our friends (his childhood friends).

He's never spoken to me like that, and it just seem so unacceptable. Am I over reacting? I just can't believe he just said that, and after I treated him to dinner tonight...

[Anastazia]

You are right on in your instincts, this is called verbal abuse...a threat!!!...Designed to intimidate, control, establish power in the relationship....BIG red flag...WARNING, warning, warning!!!!

I've been there, done that, & the ONLY solution is to quickly, clearly & thoroughly establish the fact that you will NOT allow him or ANYONE to speak to you in this way, {you respect yourself too much to be treated with such disrespect!!!} & that if he cannot see what the harm is in his way of speaking to you (angry or not, 'justified' in his mind (or yours!) or not), then he needs to go talk to someone in order to understand why verbal abuse WILL destroy your relationship, & likely lead to physical abuse!!!

If he can threaten you in this manner, he clearly has a problem. Sorry, but he does. he may not realize it, neither of you may want to face it, but you are at risk of abuse!

HE was verbally VIOLENT to you, & had no shame in that, in front of others...so what's to stop him from acting on it??? Honestly???

I'm sorry this is strongly worded...I left home at 12 to escape the physical, sexual, verbal abuse my step-father inflicted on my entire family...it began with verbal abuse & intimidation...i've learned much sinse then about this, & that's very often the case...

...to tell you the truth, if I were you, I'd RUN! But that's just me...

...pray, read, (just google verbal abuse, for example...) seek wise counsel, & most of all, think about the fact that if he's ok treating you like this now, how will he treat you 5, 10, 15 years down the road, when life hands you really difficult, painful, frustrating, intense circumstances, as life often does?

RESPECT is KEY!!! If it ain't there NOW,(& it clearly isn't) in the blissful honeymoon stage of beginning a relationship, before you've even made a lifelong commitment, what's going to make it appear later? Hope?

Warning signs should be heeded....
...& you deserve better.

I know you love him.

Sorry if I've offended you.

That's not my intention, at all.

Just don't want you to ignore what too many women ignore, to the detriment of their's, & their children's lives & futures.

~Anastazia~

[Kitty]

not acceptable. not acceptable in front of friends or when you are alone with him just not acceptable at all. Think about it this way, if it was your daughter (in the future if you have no children) and she told you that her boyfriend had said that to her would you think it was acceptable? What advice would you give your daughter?

[EZ rider]

I am going to hit you so hard your teeth will fall out of your head.I would step back and try to get a perspective on how violent he is. I would consider his actions to you and to other people. Does he lose his temper while driving ? How does he behave when things arn't going his way ? Does he kick dogs or pets or show a lack of respect to other people or animals that he shares the planet with ? I would just try to take a no "rose colored glasses" look at how he relates to other people especially when he dosn't agree with them or feels anger and is there any sign of acting out his feelings in a physical way ? Do you think he would hit you ?

[juliebove]

First you say you were trying to get him excited because he doesn't seem too interested. If he's not interested, then why don't you just drop it and go without him?

Second, that kind of talk is not acceptable, especially if he was angry when he said it. Not that I could blame him for being angry if you kept going on to him about it...

[Firicia]

Thanks for all the replies.

juliebove: Well we had just started talking/trying to get him excited (for like maybe 2 mins before he snapped and he was playing a game not even really listening to us talking about doing nice things for him) tonight. 2 days ago when we all really started planning this he was into it, then he did a 180 and we all just figured this is like with everything else where we have to get him into it or get him excited (he usually won't leave the house unless his friends take him out, then he does have fun, but if someone isn't there to make it happen he just doesn't bother and plays WoW, so with his personality we all thought he needed what he usually needs which was a boost in funness i.e. talk of sexy ladies in bikini's on nice hot beach with friends and wine and games). Ya maybe I did say it too much. I asked him about it when he got home and he yelled at me about it getting angry, and then when the our friends asked about it I just blurted it out. So maybe I shouldn't have answered thier question like that.



The thing about him is that the reason I wanted to be with him in the first place was that I felt safe. He is sooooooooo mellow, and I never saw him as the get angry type.

We've been together for almost 3 years, and honestly we just haven't been able to make it work. Right now we aren't even being exclusive, and decided that because in Sept I will be going away to school that we would just enjoy the time we have left. But lately he is just always being annoying and then getting mad at me getting upset at it (I'm sorry don't walk into a room and burp and fart infront or beside me, gross common).

But ya I just I never saw this coming from him. He didn't even saying it in a joking tone, or say sorry, he just turned back to his game. He didn't even come say goodnight to me, or come talk to me, just went to bed.

It's just not like him! It's like he's different. Even his best friend from high shcool who lives with us and saw what he said was shocked and talked to me about it saying I should let him know it won't be accepted, but also we both discussed how we are afraid that he's ill. He sleeps all the time, never has energy, is now getting angry, and just changing before our eyes.

With thinking that he is ill comes the confussion of "what should I think about what he said?" I just feel confused.

All I know is that this is really a deal breaker for me and if he meant it then I'm gonna... oh god I don't even know. By "I don't know" I mean that I don't want to have to move away. I can't sign a 6 month lease because I won't be here that long, which means I'd have to move back to a small town and live with my mom or dad... thats just not where my heart is.

Well thanks everyone for letting me spill my guts. I hope this post isn't too much of a bummer. I am just compleatly thrown. I mean he's said mean stuff before about my body and my looks my weight (in the past like a year ago we got over it) but he's never said something like that before.

I'm confused:(

[GlimR]

Firicia~
Maybe he is depressed. But the bottom line is, ill or depressed or just in a crappy mood what he said is not ok, not in any way, not for any reason. Lashing out at you, threatening violence is way crossing the line. I don't care if you annoyed him, I don't care if you were doing cartwheels in front of him while he was playing his game. It is NOT ok!

You said "(and yes, my fault for saying it 2 times today) " My reaction was NO!!! No!!! NO!!!!
It is NOT your fault. YOU are not responsible for another persons actions. It is so common for women to do that to themselves..blame themselves, make excuses for why HE did it! Please don't do that to yourself.

It's a crappy place to be. Wishing you strength and clarity and bravery to do what is best for you~

[verseaurainbows]

As others have said, this was far from acceptable, this was a violent threat. I would not stand for my fiancé saying anything even remotely like that to me, and infront of friends i imagine it was all the more intimidating

Im so sorry to hear you hear you heard such harsh words from someone you care for. Its time to either put him exactly straight and ensure he realises you will NOT put up with being spoken to like that, ever, and explain why it was so hard and wrong, or to walk away and think about the kind of people you wish to surround yourself with, id say

[rawmonkey]

Firicia,

My heart goes out to you :( . I wanted to comment on something you said in your latest post:


We've been together for almost 3 years, and honestly we just haven't been able to make it work. Right now we aren't even being exclusive, and decided that because in Sept I will be going away to school that we would just enjoy the time we have left. But lately he is just always being annoying and then getting mad at me getting upset at it (I'm sorry don't walk into a room and burp and fart in front or beside me, gross common).

Being together for 3 years has taken effort and commitment from both of you. When you decided to see other people, was this mutual or more your idea? I ask this because it sounds to me like he doesn't want to let you go. From your description, he sounds depressed. His actions toward you seems like he is angry that you are moving on without him and enjoying life. He may feel left behind and abandoned. He sees you having a wonderful time, resents that, and resists being involved because he is detaching from you. As your departure draws nearer, he is getting more anxious...and his anger is probably going to get worse (verbal, physical, ?).

I am not condoning his actions; any type of abuse is dead wrong. The way he is treating you is not acceptable. I do believe you really need to address this in a loving manner very soon. Have your other room mate informed of your intentions and waiting in another room to step in if needed, then approach him when he is in a "better" frame of mind (well fed, relaxed and "happy"). Using "I" statements (I am worried about you. I feel scared, angry, annoyed, etc when you _________. I am ___________ about the future.) If you state things from your perspective he can not get angry in defense because it is how YOU feel. You are not placing judgment on his actions. Make your approach that of compassion and concern for his wellbeing and then address your pain when he trusts you again.

When the lines of communication have opened, and hopefully he begins to share his feelings, then set up some boundaries on what is acceptable behavior. Give yourself a safety and set up a system so if he gets angry and hurts you again you can call out a word or phrase that reminds him or your agreement (ouch, take five, too much, etc). If at any time you feel threatened make sure your other roomy is ready to step in and REMAIN NEUTRAL as not to seem as though he is taking sides. Perhaps he can then become the "moderator" of your discussion (but only if things get heated). The best thing you can do is REMAIN CALM and NEVER show anger in any way (don't be sarcastic, etc.); you are trying to regain his trust, even though you did nothing intentional to lose it, he has built a wall that you are trying to break through.

This is just what I "see." I hope it is not just ramblings. Make sure you take care of you, even if it means moving back with your parents for a brief time. A few months without abuse is far better for your health than to remain in a hostile environment (even if it doesn't happen daily...you are still walking on egg shells waiting for another "bomb" to hit).

Hugs ;) ,

Christina

[Eva]

First all of Trader Joes' nuts aren't raw.... now reading this... My eyes are gonna pop out of my head they're so big right now. That is really, really not okay. You love him, fine. But, oh my!!! That is how physical abuse starts. People don't just have date #1 and the boyfriend knocks their teeth out...

It starts nice, then it moves on to verbal abuse when he doesn't like this or that, then when you're married with child, that's when they whip out the real physical abuse. Man.

And you're just enjoying the last amount of time? Doesn't sound like it...

:eek:

It really, really pains me to read ALL of this. No matter what you do, there is NO excuse for something like that! Ever!

[Anastazia]

Thanks for giving us a little more background...

...it seems clear that, for whatever reasons, this relationship is basically over,
& trying to 'enjoy' your last time together isn't working, for either of you...
(...if he wants to stay together, & you don't, that must be very difficult for him to deal with, especially seeing you every day, & especially if he's seeing you connecting with someone else...)

I think Christina's wise counsel is right on, & she's also right that no matter what it would be like at your parent's, it has to be better than the tension you're living with now.

There is no guarantee your roomates can protect you...often, violent outbursts seem to come out of nowhere, & are far more liekly to happen when no-one else is around (held in until an 'appropriate' time, while it builds up in intensity...controlled, then released...
...that's why so many can be around people being abused & never see it!)
...so in the light of that, why risk your safety?
{Especially once he's been spoken to about the inappropriateness of his violent threat to you in front of the others...?}

You're never the same after someone you love hurts you that way. I pray you never know the truth of this firsthand.

Please know that many (I'm sure even those who have read, but not responded (why say again what's already been said?) are sending you lots of love, strength, & prayers for you to see this situation clearly...

I know letting go, moving on is hard...but staying when it's over, & now getting dangerous, has got to be harder.

I'll be praying for him, too.

~Anastazia~

[Firicia]

Thanks everyone for your words.

I really appreciate it. The reason I wrote here is because I remember seeing girls in high school who's boyfriends were abusing them but they couldn't seem to tell. I think it gets hard when you are in the middle ya know, and now I see why it can be harder once you think you know someone and that ides of abuse doesn't fit with the person you think you know, it's mind boggeling.
So I thought I would write about it here, because you guys aren't in this.

As fars as the us seeing other people thing, it was mutual, but only in the sence of I needed to take a step back (I'm not dating anyone, and I am not interested in doing so) and be honest, and he was honest back with me. We both had what i thought was a grown up talk about how we are just too young to settle down with each other and faking it isn't work anymore. He said he wanted to sleep with more women, I said I wanted to go to school and grow up more. I mean I thought we were all good. I guess nothing when it comes to relationships is ever easy.
I just got tired of him not trying for our relationship. Sure he'd listen to what i have to say but bother trying, nope. I just started getting frustraited and unhappy, and after a while decided I couldn't be the only one in the relationship. I feel upset that the only time he really tries or shows me he cares is when I am leaving him.

But in all honesty my feelings have changed, after a while it felt like I had a disgusting big brother and not a lover. There was no romance only him doing icky things that shall not be mentioned cuz they gross me out, I wish he leared what is appropriate to do infront of a woman and what is for the bathroom.
After this started changing, and I started changing, I honestly did start being attracted to someone else. I felt so bad about it everyday, until I got tired of beating myself up.

But anyways I need to now go to my music lesson and somehow consintrate on that. Thanks everyone.

[kyrie]

Hi Firicia,

In my experience men who make threats like that, will given time act on them.

Get out NOW!

You are worth having love, respect, trust, honour, and someone who cherishes you, and worships you, and whom you can feel the same about.

ABUSE and VIOLENCE are not acceptable.

RUN, DON'T WALK, DON'T WAIT, GET OUT NOW!!!

Carla.

[GlimR]

Firicia,
Just thinking of you...hoping all is well~
GlimR

[beppa66]

The first step to physical abuse is usually verbal abuse. They "test the waters" so to speak to see how you react. Sorry to say but that is a huge warning sign. It is never an acceptable thing to say, ever.

And usually they will try to make you feel like you "deserved" their reaction.

It was not your "fault" even if you asked him 100 times. There are other ways of asking you to stop than threatening you with violence. And the fact he did it in front of friends is a huge warning sign.

Run Forrest Run. Don't wait for him to act on it. He will.

Praying for your safety and good decision making.

[shashibala]

Sounds like he is using violent words to create distance between the two of you. Perhaps he is sad and angry that you are going away and instead of being able to voice his feelings he will just punish you until you go. Maybe going on a trip together would be too sad for him since he knows you are leaving??
When a relationship ends or changes there always seems to be trauma.
It seems to me that if his feelings are so bottled up inside him and are coming out in violent ways, this will be something he will have to deal with in himself eventually, but it is not a good time for you to be near him. Keep yourself safe both physically and emotionally. If you do try to talk it out, make sure there is someone home in a nearby area and aware that you might need them.
Make it clear to him that you care about his wellbeing, but that you won't be abused. Move out if you feel threatened at all!!!
Take care!

[kaybee]

firicia--just on a practical level, you really might want to look into other options for places to live. there ARE short-term housing possibilities out there; and sometimes they turn up through people that you wouldnt expect. speaking from experience; I havent lived in one place for more than 4 months during the last 2 years; Ive moved 7 times or so in the last couple years, sometimes staying somewhere for as little as a month. (no, im not running away from anyone, just figuring out where I want to be :) ) Things do turn up and it is often possible to find places to stay short-term. Have you been in the town you are living for a long time? do you have alot of connections there? other friends besides the ones youre living with? families/parents of friends in the area? Ask around ask your friends, ask people at church if you go to one, ask people connected with school, check craigslist, put up "housing wanted" ads at school and at the library, at the health food store, at grocery stores, and check ads in the local paper as well. if there are any "special interest groups" in your area youre involved with, ask the people involved in these--ie. do you walk dogs at an animal shelter, go to any vegetarian or other meetups, sing with a group, go to yoga classes, play sports, ETC, ASK all these people if they know of anyone who might rent you a room for short-term; ask at the place you get your hair done, etc. you dont have to tell people, except those you are close to (ie friends, friends parents, etc) the whole situation if you dont want to, just tell them you are in a living situation you need to get out of and you are looking for short term housing. ; if youre really stuck, and theres a university in your town/city, ask them if they have any extra housing/extra rooms where you could rent a room. I had to do this once because the housing situation i was living in was SO bad; the university near me allowed interns and students at other schools to get rooms, even if they werent going to that university. most importantly perhaps, try to find somewhere to go temporarily while you are waiting for something more suitable to turn up--ie do you have friends you could crash with, even if it means staying with different ones for a few nights? maybe BETTER YET, do you have friends who have parents in the area who might have an empty room at their house or let you stay with them; parents are often willing to help out if it means helping their kids friends get out of dangerous situations. I dont know what your situation is; moneywise, timewise, skillwise, etc, or what sort of environments you would be willing to live in, (ie could you get along living with a family, do you like kids, could you share a room with a roommate or do you need your own, would you be willing to live with an older person and have a room in their house in exchange for doing chores and errands for them, etc... some of these things might not appeal to you, but some might end up working out. ) Sometimes, if money is tight, you can trade people things like babysitting a certain number of hours a week in exchange for a room, etc. Things often just turn up. sometimes it takes a bit of work and sometimes things just drop in your lap. but dont let the inability to sign a 6 month lease prevent you from getting out of this situation.

I know you dont want to think about moving; i have definitely been in situations where i just wanted to throw a tantrum (im 29... ;) ) and lay down on the floor and kick and scream because i didnt want to move, especially when i had found the house first, ; i didnt want to have to go through the hassle of finding a new place, moving all my stuff, rearranging my life, etc, BUT I knew that for my own well-being i had to find somewhere else. You r too young to get stuck in a rut of patterns of being in relationships with guys who treat you badly. you have so much potential, and yes, i think you are smart to want to go away to college and grow and experience more. there is SO much out there, and sometimes I think its difficult for us to be in a relationship with someone before we realize how much is out there, in terms of our eyes getting opened to different things and ways of thinking, different activities we enjoy, different things that we realize we are passionate about; and oftentimes end up changing and growing in ways that our boyfriend might not--but it is so important for our own thriving to go and figure out who we are and what we like and what we want and what we are passionate about, and sometimes only then, after we have figured out a little bit more where we stand in the world, does it "work" for us to be in a relationship. im not saying dont be in a relationship, but i am saying that sometimes we have to have the space to become the people we are meant to become and then find a boyfriend who is right for the more integrated, developed, mature "you". (speaking from experience here). so i think its great that you are not allowing yourself to be limited by this guy and are following your desire to go away to school, learn and experience more, see whats out there, let yourself grow and develop and give yourself space. that said, no offense, but you seem way too good for this guy. also, his being "mellow" most of the time could actually in some people be a bad thing because it COULD mean that he just doesnt express his anger/frustration, keeps it bottled all up inside, and eventually its gonna blow up (not necessarily, because some people ARE just laid back and mellow by nature, but it COULD mean this). it sounds like your boyfriend has stuff to work through. it also sounds like you are not safe. please try to get out. and PLEASE dont let this start a pattern of you being with people like him and putting up with treated poorly. too many women allow this to happen (many of us fall into this at some time or another), and it does a doozie on their self-confidence, self-worth, love of self, strength, etc. you dont need this guy bringing you down, and it sounds like YOU are the one who has had to do all the work in the relationship. you need to find a guy who realizes you are SO worth it and goes out of his way to get you to pay attention to him; NOT a guy who just takes you for granted.

good luck.

take care.

kaybee

[Anastazia]

Lotsa great advice, & words of wisdom in your post, kaybee!:cool:
Isn't experience a great teacher?:D
~Anastazia~

[Firicia]

Thanks for the advice everyone :)

kaybee thanks for all the advice on diferent places to live:D and you are right I am too young to get into a pattern of men treating me badly.

So here's the update for me:

Right now I am looking into a job where I have the potential to make enough money to have my own place which would be awesome.
I broke up with my boyfriend. I told him if he couldn't treat me like a man should treat a woman then I didn't want to try and work it out anymore. He said he was proud of me, and that the only thing he didn't like about me was that I never stood up for myself. Turns out after all the relationship b.s. was out of the way I had a pretty good friend there. The truth being too that that passion and romance wasn't there for a while too probably helps with the possibility of still being friends.
I have started watching The Secret like non stop and figuring out how I'd like my life to look. I realized that I love this city and want to stay, and that if I can move out for March I could sign a 6 month lease if need be. That way too if I decide to stay here and not go away for school I will still have my own place here, my own life, and could still do lots of music stuff here.

Right now I just feel like I have been afraid to start my life, and that I should get out there, get my own place, try a different job, start making new friends etc... and show myself how cappable I am as a woman. To truly feel secure and like I can do it myself, show myself what I am made of. Maybe it's just my time to become an adult, and become the strong young woman I know I am.

I must admit I am scared. I feel myself wanting to go back to the comfort of having a bf and living in a way that is easy and doesn't test me. So I keep having to remind myself that I am not here to be stale, I am here to learn and try.
So ya I'm still kind of in shock, but in many ways this part of my life has been a long time coming. All I need to do is create something worthy of me this time.
For now I will stay here until I have the job and find a new place hopefully for March. I have to say I am excited though, and I know I can create anything in my life, and it's gonna be great.

Out of ones hardest times, comes ones greatest strengths.

Thanks again everyone.

[c'estlaviebelle]

Please get out of this relationship ASAP. I was married to a man at one time who became violent after we were married 6 months. I left him shortly after, and two years later he still occasionally tries to find ways to harass me.

It starts with verbal abuse, then mental/emotional abuse, then things start getting thrown/kicked around, walls get punched, furniture gets broken, then he starts to hit the woman, and soon your self esteem is so far deteriorated it is hard to get out of the relationship.

You deserve better. All women do. Please take it from someone who made that mistake and has been there. Leave this relationship, vacation or not.

You are free to write me personally. If I can save one woman from making the same mistake I did, then all of my hardships were worth it.

xoxo
Vie

edited to add- I just read that you DID break up with him. GOOD JOB!!!! I'm really proud of you. Now, the challenge is to not go back to the relationship. 3 years is a long time and sometimes we go back to situations that are not optimal because they are comfortable.

Good luck to you with everything and keep us posted. Big Hugs!