How do you deal with regrets?

[crystalmoon]

Hi everyone I just got news earlier this week of a friend dying in a canoeing accident. The really tragic thing is that he had been severely depressed & virtually housebound by it for the last 5 years. But just recently, like 2 months ago he had become hopeful again & had made great strides to change his life for the better...sold his house where all the bad memeories were...paid off all debts & bought a new mobile home (trailer) in a great community of friendly people, by the sea like he had always dreamed of...his life was looking good & he was smiling & laughing again. Then just like that, 2 months after moving homes he is dead in a canoeing accident. By reaching out to life again he is now dead :(

This has got me reflecting upon all the wasted years of my own life being unwell (IBS, Chronic Fatigue, etc) & how much I regret not doing what I need to do to be healthy right now (I found out about raw last september & have failed to achieve 30 days raw). I know I can start today by eating a raw vegan diet & by exercising etc & I am determined to do it this time....BUT... how do I get rid of my regrets in life? How do I forgive myself? all the holidays i havent taken my kids on & all the bad decisions i have made in the past when i was a drinker, etc etc. These regrets are haunting me & it feels like I will take them with me to the grave.

I have been in recovery for drugs/alcohol abuse for nearly 4 years & I have worked my steps so I have made amends to people where possible but how do I let go of the negative feelings of regret that I still hold?

I am sorry this is so long & rambling. If anyone has managed to break free from feeling like this please help me by pointing me in the right direction. thanks

[shashibala]

I also suffer from regrets. I wasted precious time when I could have been healthier, happier, and moving forward. I regret being divorced, not finishing college, and you know, the list goes on. I am working hard on this issue and have made progress recently. I imagine that I am looking at myself with the same compassion that I would offer to another woman in my position. I would be kind and look at all the things she has accomplished. I would be amazed at what she had done despite the challenges she faced. I would be caring instead of critical. I would be gentle. Try to offer yourself the kind of compassion that you would give to another. I read a quote that said something like " True forgiveness means giving up the idea that the past could have been different." We did the best we could with the skills and resources that we had.
I feel that eating Raw is helping me let go and move forward toward forgiving myself. Finally I am taking care of myself. You too are making good choices for yourself now and that is a wonderful step!!!Be gentle with yourself. Best Wishes to you!

[Revvell]

Regrets keep you from living in the moment ~ here, now. You are regretting not living and now you're using regrets to waste more time. Can you see the cycle?

Instead of wasting time feeling bad, get out and live! Do you think your friend appreciated dying while living? He came from the living dead and died living! How cool is that?

We, as humans, for some reason have learned to beat ourselves up for what we've done as well as what we've not done. It takes focus and awareness to change that which is why I created my book "Revvellutionize Your Life in 30 Days". It starts with daily appreciations, daily choices "at this moment instead of wasting time thinking about what I've not done, I choose to get out and live now!" could be one choice; acknowledging fear and then more appreciations.

Remember the saying "this is the first day of the rest of your life"? Well, it is. How do YOU choose to live it?

It's funny. On another forum, people are talking about preparing for the bad. I'm focused on preparing for the good. Since most of us have not allowed ourselves to have it, it does take preparation, doesn't it?

Revvell

[OneBite@aTime]

Make peace with it-that is who you were then-and you did what you could given your skills at the time. STOP focusing on it-when a thought comes-remind yourself-when we know better we do better!

[Vivafree2]

I had too many bad sad and uninteresting years to dwell on them or even reflect. I finally understand power of living here and now. What i didn't do makes me sad, what i should, could or supposed to..., seeing other people having i always wanted, regreting , comparing myself to others...being judged, being criticized - make me feel sad or angry.
Enough of that for me. I want my here and now pleasant, calm and enjoyable and if i can make someone else happy - i have a great moment! I don't look back much. I feel better. I want peace.

[joon4yu]

I Agreed With All The Above Comments. But What Is It Going To Accomplishment Focusing On Whatda, Couldda, Shoudda I Had Done?
You Need To Forgive Yourself For Making "human Decisions" Not Mistakes, That's Too Of A Negative Word And I Try Not To Use It When It Comes To Being Human. You Are Not Who You Are A Minute Ago. Because We Are Constantly Changing Every Second, The Moment You Decide To Do Something Different In Your Life. Who Would You Be Today If You Didn't Have Those Experiences In Life. I Use To Think That Way, "oh If I Could Just Go Back And Change This And Change That." Then Who The Heck Will I Be Today. My Past Experiences Creates My Strenghts Today. I've Learned From Those Experiences And Not Dwell On The Negativity. How Can You Live Today If You Can't Bring Yourself From The Past. Once Was Addicted To Alcohol Now Addicted To "the Past" (mistakes) And They Are Once Again "human Experiences" I'm Glad Your Friend Decided To Take Control Of His Life And Start Living Again. And How Do You View Death, As The End Of All Things? Or Regrets Of The Past. People Tend To Do The Regrets About Life. Live In The Now, And Appreciate The Miracle And Gift You Are. How Can You Expect People To Forgive You When You Won't Forgive Yourself. It Starts With You.:)
Peace And Blessings,
June

[crystalmoon]

Thank you Shashibala & Revvell for answering me so quickly & wisely.

Shashibala thank you for sharing that quote with me, I am going to write it in my journal daily until I am living & breathing it as part of my reality. Wishing you success & freedom from regrets....I do need to learn to give myself as much compassion as I would give someone else ;)

Revvell you are so right about using regrets to continue to waste time - this is the cycle I want to break free from. I dont want my self hate/regrets dragging me backwards anymore. Your book sounds like an awesome tool for healing/self discovery. I have started a hand written journal & am preparing to create a vision board to reflect a healthy raw vegan lifestyle. I plan to put it on the wall at the bottom of my bed so I see it as I go to sleep & again as I wake. And thank you for helping me focus on the positive about my friend...yes they died being active & enjoying life.

[EZ rider]

No one lives a perfect life and everyone makes mistakes and that certainly includes me. I have a Hearts computer game that I like to play. At the end of each hand it has a re-do button that allows the player to play the exact hand over again but this time to play it differently. Thats great to have that option but in actual life we don't have the re-do option. When I start to regret choices and mistakes I have made I think about that button and think about the way they open the AA meetings: "God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." And then I just stop trying to push the re-do button and move on. Lifes short, make the most of it.

[crystalmoon]

Onebite - I am going to use what you said as a mantra - 'I know better, I do better'. thank you :)

Viva - yes you are so right about living in the here & now, I do try to keep things in the day as much as possible but sometimes a 'tidal wave' of memories/regrets knock me off centre. I guess I need to stop myself going with the flow of the negative thoughts once they start ;)

June - Yes you are right it does start with me...I guess I just dont trust myself yet to get things right, to stick with the process of positive change. I feel scared of failing myself & others again & again. I am scared of being overwhelmed by regrets in my own dying moments :( Fear is holding me back

[crystalmoon]

Thanks EZrider, yes the serenity prayer is such a great tool. I dont know why I have forgotten to use it lately, thank you for reminding me.
I like the image of the redo button...I think that is what Ive been wanting to find & of course I will never find it in this lifetime. Instead of wasting energy wishing for the impossible 'redo' I need to focus on learning from those regrets & doing differently/making better decisions next time.

[EZ rider]

This thread made me think of a scene in the 1997 movie "Titanic" where Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio) is at a dinner party and talking about the way he lives life and his perspective of life and he gives a toast "life is a gift and I don't intend to waste it" (or something like that). Its a great scene in a great movie.

[Anastazia]

Wow, good question, good answers....

...for me, the biggest change came when I began choosing to forgive every single person that had ever hurt/offended/dissapointed me...including, & especially myself...
...I began praying for those people, {including myself}...
...it changed everything...

...I also looked up & memorized Bible verses that would help me keep my focus where it belonged when regrets come at me...I hope you don't mind that I've looked up & shared some here with you (feel free to ignore, if the Bible offends you, or anyone else reading...no offense intended...)

..." Brethren, I count myself not to have apprehended; but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, & reaching forth unto those things which are before..." Phillipians 3:13
{one of my favorites...}

"His (God's) mercies are new every morning..."
{as ours should be to others, & to ourselves...}

"Remember not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I (God) will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth,; shall you not know it? I will even make a way in the desert, & rivers in the wilderness."
Isaiah 43:18-19.

...& for me, as a Christian, this one has very special meaning, & has helped me forgive & overcome many things...
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation; old things are passed away, behold, ALL things are becoming new!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

Most of all, for me, once I confessed, in prayer, the things I regretted {especially when sin was involved} & then accepted forgiveness, the weight of those things lifted off forever, & has never returned.

I do this each time anything weighs me down.
It always works.

Praying for you to find true & total freedom!
My condolences on the loss of your friend.
I'm so glad he chose life before he died!
~Anastazia~

[beppa66]

He came from the living dead and died living! How cool is that?



That's a great way to look at it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

If there is anything you can do to rectify the past then do it. (ask for forgiveness, spend more time with the kids, say I love you, etc.)
If not, then move on.

What's that old saying? No use crying over spilled milk? It's true.

But you can change the future.
Everyone makes mistakes, but you don't have to be bound by them.

Forgive & forget.

[oai]

w/ regret i kind of use this thought: if i'm regreting something right now, i'm wasting time & it'll just be a constant vicious cycle of regretting.

also, reflecting to myself & loving myself, i appreciate what i've done in the past even the very bad things that caused me some damage. :o i wouldn't be the person i am today w/o those experiences. in a way, i'm very grateful for those experiences sometimes although yes, there are time i'm going "how could i have not known?!" :cool:

[maui_butterfly]

I just got news earlier this week of a friend dying in a canoeing accident. The really tragic thing is that he had been severely depressed & virtually housebound by it for the last 5 years. But just recently, like 2 months ago he had become hopeful again & had made great strides to change his life for the better...sold his house where all the bad memeories were...paid off all debts & bought a new mobile home (trailer) in a great community of friendly people, by the sea like he had always dreamed of...his life was looking good & he was smiling & laughing again. Then just like that, 2 months after moving homes he is dead in a canoeing accident. By reaching out to life again he is now dead :(

after many years of struggling with depression, I found emotional freedom in the simple method of inquiry presented by Byron Katie as "The Work" http://www.thework.com/index.asp. it starts with the basic assumption that the universe is perfect as is (I KNOW! a tough concept to grasp!) and then you question the thoughts that cause you stress and pain, and see if they really hold water. sometimes even coming to the conclusion that the painful thought MIGHT POSSIBLY not be entirely, 100% correct is enough of a loosening from its stranglehold on you. when you can find space in there, you can find breathing room, and breathing always brings expansion. :)

for example, you have the stressful thought that your friend should not have died when he did. could it be that his lesson in this life was to find a way to "reach out to life again" and once he did that, his journey in this life was complete, and he's on to the next adventure? i believe we all die exactly on time. any thought that someone shouldn't have died when they did is our story, generally based on our extremely limited viewpoints in this incarnation, and we don't really know what is the absolute best thing for them.


This has got me reflecting upon all the wasted years of my own life being unwell (IBS, Chronic Fatigue, etc) & how much I regret not doing what I need to do to be healthy right now (I found out about raw last september & have failed to achieve 30 days raw). I know I can start today by eating a raw vegan diet & by exercising etc & I am determined to do it this time....BUT... how do I get rid of my regrets in life? How do I forgive myself? all the holidays i havent taken my kids on & all the bad decisions i have made in the past when i was a drinker, etc etc. These regrets are haunting me & it feels like I will take them with me to the grave.


i believe you are a perfect being. everything you have gone through in the past, and everything you are going through now, is exactly what you needed to experience at exactly the right time for you. you can question some of these stressful thoughts you are holding as regrets and they will let go of you.

here's some i can find for you:

* all the time i spent being unwell in my life was wasted
* i should be able to be 100% raw already, and am a failure because i have not achieved this
* i should have taken my kids on holidays
* i should have been a different mother

let's take the last one. is it true? can you absolutely, positively know for certain without a shade of a doubt that it would have been the best thing for your path and for your children's path for you to have been different? (maybe that was precisely what they needed to experience in this life. in fact, i know it was. why? because it is reality. and reality is GOD, baby...) how do you feel when you think the thought "i should have been a different mother." does it make you want to cry, does your stomach feel tight, do you feel ashamed, angry, violent toward yourself? now imagine yourself if you were incapable of thinking the thought "i should have been a different mother." can you feel how that would feel, even for a moment? can you see how you might act differently towards your children now, and towards yourself now, if you were not physically able to have that thought enter your mind? now turn the thought around if possible "i shouldn't have been a different mother" - can you find 3 ways that this statement might be as true, or more true, than the original thought?

i have found peace here. my stressful thoughts don't hijack my life anymore, i can play with them, question them, be interested-yet-not-attached to them! i offer this in the hopes that it might work for you, too...

[crystalmoon]

Maui Butterfly thank you so much for taking the time to write such a detailed answer to my post. I always find your posts helpful. I will definitely look into the 'work' & do the exercises suggested. It feels like you have given me an important 'key' that will help me beyond measure :D

Anastazia thank you for your prayers & the scriptures. The one that jumped out at me was God's mercies being new every morning ;)

Beppa you are so right, I need to forgive myself & move forward.

Oai, thanks for this perspective...I will consider becoming grateful for ALL my past experineces....maybe I need to look at them as all being of equal value as learning opportunities?

Thank you everyone for helping me today so very much.

[oceanee]

We are so conditioned in this earthly world to beat ourselves up, especially these last few decades.
Forgive yourself and move forward being grateful you can. No one is perfect and no one ever will be. You are trying, so very hard to move on. It will get easier as you move in gratefulness.
Your friend had a wonderful last ride and is now somewhere without torment.
Please cut yourself free and all the very best.
Oceanee

[Raw Jewelrylady]

First of all, my condolences in the loss of your friend.

I have to add that you've received a lot of good advise & I'll add my 2 cents. When I start to *go there* with my mind I just tell myself to literally *FLIP THE SWITCH*

What good does it do to re-hash the past? I know, been there done that.

I recently lost my brother & have had some dark moments, but listing daily things to be grateful for has helped more than I could have known. You just move on & keep on keepin on.

OK, enough cliches' as I think you get my drift...

Blessings to you.:)

RJL

[oai]

ok. i tried inserting a silly face image but was unable to. i believe there's a purpose to do that. ^_^

stay strong, chica!

[catscharm74]

I changed my attitude many years ago when I realized I was falling into the same pattern as I learned from my mom. I was acting like a martyr for all the terrible things that happened in my life. I try everything and anything and my mom calls me restless and immature, irresponsible, yadda, yadda, yadda but you know what? I have no regrets- really I don't. I live life by hanging on with all my might and enjoying the ride. I try everything, will go anywhere, believe in being happy, friendly, a shoulder to cry on, stick to my guns kinda gal. I don't have time for regrets, only the now. Having a child really made me aware of how fast time is clicking away. I may not have that bikini body I used to crave and do horrible things to my health to achieve, but I will put on a bikini this summer and walk the beach and enjoy watching my son play, learning to swim, getting a tan, feeling the sun beating on me. I may not ever make a lot of money but I will still go out to eat good food with good people (as best I can raw) and not beat myself up over it. I will travel and stay in nice places and enjoy the "spa" menu and not regret never having the big house, car, stuff, so I can afford to travel. We are moving towards our dream of living on the beach, no matter what others think of us. NO REGRETS!! ! Regrets harbor bad energy...live today and be the person you want to be!!!

Cheers,
Heather