rawstrength
01-09-2008, 05:57 AM
I'm going to have to tell a bit of my history in order to explain my problem with raw, so please stay with me through this long post. Thanks in advance!
On April 1st, 2004, I decided to diet in order to look better in my eigth-grade prom dress. I was 5'2", 124 pounds, and I wanted to weigh 110 pounds by June 1st.
Well, I reached my weight goal, eating about 1000 calories per day, but never went to the dance. Instead I went on a camping trip with my family. The entire weekend I didn't eat, and then on the last day of camping I had a huge "binge" meal (which was only probably about 800 cals anyway, but it felt huge to me).
At 110 pounds, I felt beautiful, important, in control and worthy for the first time in my life. Even though I have never been medically overweight, my mom has always picked on me and made fun of me because of my weight, saying that I'm fat, or always telling me to stop eating. I now believe it is largely because she is overweight and feels insecure about herself. Anyways, I was TERREFIED of gaining any weight back, so I kept eating low calories, now down to about 600/day. I had also not had my period in three months.
That summer, I went away to camp for three weeks. At the camp, they were repairing the dining hall and the food was HORRIBLE. No one was eating, so it made it very easy for me to not eat, also. When I got back from camp I weighed about 95 pounds.
After camp, I got down to 90 pounds when my family started to get concerned for my health. They took me to a GP. The doc looked at my blood work and noticed that my billiruben (sp?) was really high. He also noted that my blood pressure was extremely low and that my heart rate was only 40 BPM. He sent me to an ED specialist and a cardiovascular specialist. My EKG came back abnormal, and I also was diagnosed with having a liver disease that only effects people in third world countries! At the time, I was blacking out when I stood up, I had huge dark bags under my eyes, my skin was yellow and most of my hair had fallen out. I began to fear for my health.
Afraid of dying, I followed the diet given to my by the ED specialist. She wanted me to gain 20 pounds. I gained up to 110 pounds, got my period back for one month, and then no period after that. I gained five pounds, got really afraid of becoming obese, and then lost the five pounds. In Sept. of 2005, I went on medicine to get my period back. After being on the medicine, I gained ten pounds. I felt horrible about gaining the weight, ashamed and just miserable, but, try as I might, I couldn't lose the weight, and I also couldn't diet like I did before, cutting my calories to extremely low numbers, because I had to concentrate on school work. High school was alot harder, and more important, than middle school, and I had always been a top-notch student.
Fast forward to spring of 2007. I am 130 pounds, mostly over the whole ED thing, and I fall in love for the first time. My DBF says he thinks that I look perfect, neither too fat nor too thin, and I know he is telling the truth. In general, I feel really good about myself.
Fall of 2007, I got really, really sick. I felt dizzy and couldn't leave my bed. I go to the doctor, but they say I just have a bad cold. The "bad cold" lasts over 3 weeks. After coming back from being sick, I knew that I had to do something to get my health back. So I went RAW Nov. 3, 2007.
On raw I feel great, however, I have one little problem. When I am pouring olive oil on my salad, a little voice in the back of my head screams WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!! YOU CAN'T EAT ALL THAT OLIVE OIL! THAT'S LIKE 2-3 TABLESPOONS, 360 CALORIES! ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU WILL BE SO FAT AND SO UGLY EATING LIKE THAT! Then the voice of reason steps in, justifying how healthy my eating is, but the little anorexic voice really bothers me. Plus, my senior prom is this year, and I want to look good in my dress. I am a size six, but would much rather be a size 2 or a size 4. Some of the same triggers that first set off my anorexia are coming back!
It's so hard for me to eat raw, when eating dried fruit, or avocados, or raw chocolate, or even just a large plate of fruit sets the voice in my head screaming YOU ARE GOING TO BE FAT, FAT, FAT.
I WOULD like to be 110-115 pounds and super healthy. I want to be raw and mentally sound. I want to look beautiful. But I also want to be able to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full, whatever raw food I am craving. That is what I have been doing for the past two months.
On raw for two months, I lost 10 pounds, down to 120, but just recently, I gained back 5 pounds, which set the little anorexic voice off.
Please help me deal!!!!!
On April 1st, 2004, I decided to diet in order to look better in my eigth-grade prom dress. I was 5'2", 124 pounds, and I wanted to weigh 110 pounds by June 1st.
Well, I reached my weight goal, eating about 1000 calories per day, but never went to the dance. Instead I went on a camping trip with my family. The entire weekend I didn't eat, and then on the last day of camping I had a huge "binge" meal (which was only probably about 800 cals anyway, but it felt huge to me).
At 110 pounds, I felt beautiful, important, in control and worthy for the first time in my life. Even though I have never been medically overweight, my mom has always picked on me and made fun of me because of my weight, saying that I'm fat, or always telling me to stop eating. I now believe it is largely because she is overweight and feels insecure about herself. Anyways, I was TERREFIED of gaining any weight back, so I kept eating low calories, now down to about 600/day. I had also not had my period in three months.
That summer, I went away to camp for three weeks. At the camp, they were repairing the dining hall and the food was HORRIBLE. No one was eating, so it made it very easy for me to not eat, also. When I got back from camp I weighed about 95 pounds.
After camp, I got down to 90 pounds when my family started to get concerned for my health. They took me to a GP. The doc looked at my blood work and noticed that my billiruben (sp?) was really high. He also noted that my blood pressure was extremely low and that my heart rate was only 40 BPM. He sent me to an ED specialist and a cardiovascular specialist. My EKG came back abnormal, and I also was diagnosed with having a liver disease that only effects people in third world countries! At the time, I was blacking out when I stood up, I had huge dark bags under my eyes, my skin was yellow and most of my hair had fallen out. I began to fear for my health.
Afraid of dying, I followed the diet given to my by the ED specialist. She wanted me to gain 20 pounds. I gained up to 110 pounds, got my period back for one month, and then no period after that. I gained five pounds, got really afraid of becoming obese, and then lost the five pounds. In Sept. of 2005, I went on medicine to get my period back. After being on the medicine, I gained ten pounds. I felt horrible about gaining the weight, ashamed and just miserable, but, try as I might, I couldn't lose the weight, and I also couldn't diet like I did before, cutting my calories to extremely low numbers, because I had to concentrate on school work. High school was alot harder, and more important, than middle school, and I had always been a top-notch student.
Fast forward to spring of 2007. I am 130 pounds, mostly over the whole ED thing, and I fall in love for the first time. My DBF says he thinks that I look perfect, neither too fat nor too thin, and I know he is telling the truth. In general, I feel really good about myself.
Fall of 2007, I got really, really sick. I felt dizzy and couldn't leave my bed. I go to the doctor, but they say I just have a bad cold. The "bad cold" lasts over 3 weeks. After coming back from being sick, I knew that I had to do something to get my health back. So I went RAW Nov. 3, 2007.
On raw I feel great, however, I have one little problem. When I am pouring olive oil on my salad, a little voice in the back of my head screams WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!! YOU CAN'T EAT ALL THAT OLIVE OIL! THAT'S LIKE 2-3 TABLESPOONS, 360 CALORIES! ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU WILL BE SO FAT AND SO UGLY EATING LIKE THAT! Then the voice of reason steps in, justifying how healthy my eating is, but the little anorexic voice really bothers me. Plus, my senior prom is this year, and I want to look good in my dress. I am a size six, but would much rather be a size 2 or a size 4. Some of the same triggers that first set off my anorexia are coming back!
It's so hard for me to eat raw, when eating dried fruit, or avocados, or raw chocolate, or even just a large plate of fruit sets the voice in my head screaming YOU ARE GOING TO BE FAT, FAT, FAT.
I WOULD like to be 110-115 pounds and super healthy. I want to be raw and mentally sound. I want to look beautiful. But I also want to be able to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full, whatever raw food I am craving. That is what I have been doing for the past two months.
On raw for two months, I lost 10 pounds, down to 120, but just recently, I gained back 5 pounds, which set the little anorexic voice off.
Please help me deal!!!!!