mad at myself

[lalakis]

Hello everyone,
So I was 100% raw for a couple of months this summer...from May until about July...and I lost way too much weight no matter how many bananas/avocados/nuts I was eating. I got to under 95 lbs at 5'5"..which wouldnt have necessarily been so bad..but I was doing yoga almost everyday as well...so it was real muscle weight..not just flabby undeveloped weight. I began to freak out when my size 0 shorts were actually falling off me because they were so LOOSE.

In July I freaked out and wanted to gain about 10 lbs as quickly as possible...so I ate (all vegan) a bunch of crap...and would go to sleep afterward...just hoping to feel normal again. I gorged on fried banana chips, wheat crackers, hummus, and nuts mostly.

Well, I got to 110, which is more than I have ever weighed in my life. My clothes still fit pretty much the same but I have a rock-hard butt now. It's a little weird to me. I was able to gain those 15 lbs as muscle because I never stopped doing yoga. I have calmed down with stuffing myself and am eating normally now, so I may be somewhere between 105 and 110 now.

But I also noticed that I now have a tiny bit of CELLULITE. I truly believe that cellulite is just pockets of toxins. I never had it before. Also, I used to fly through my yoga classes like they were nothing....I had tons of drive to go to class every day...motivation...I wasn't as lazy as I am now.

I FELT BETTER AT 100% RAW AT AN "UNHEALTHY" WEIGHT.

I really hate that. I hate that I feel so uncomfortable with being that thin when I felt better than ever. I hate that I wanted to alter my body so drastically just to fit in with the rest of society a little better.

Granted, people have been telling me constantly how great I look. That I actually have a butt now, that my boobs are bigger, etc. I am trying to slowly raise my raw percentage while still monitoring my weight to make sure I dont start losing like crazy. For the past couple of weeks I have been eating mostly fruit, veggies, and hummus. I eat soy protein as well with my salads. My cellulite has calmed down; I think my body was in shock after being so pure for a couple of months.

I want to become more confident with myself as far as body image is concerned. I dont want to feel uncomfortable for being thin. I dont want to feel that I need to be unhealthy in order to better fit into society.

Right now my greatest challenge is to interweave my personal ideals and beliefs, while still maintaining my weight, and NOT allowing the general population to get down on me for it.

I think Raw is the path to many great things :o


Anyway, hello again!

[Madeleine.Blythe]

That's exactly what happened to me, but my parents saw it as anorexia and put me in the hospital (literally).
I went off raw entirely, gained a shit load of weight.. and now I'm as raw as I can possibly be.. 99%, and working on losing some of the weight I gained.. not all.. because being under 90 pounds and 5'3 was no fun.
I looked gross.

[Stina]

You were in part of the cycle where you were shedding the "false body" before you started to regain muscle on the new and improved raw body. It's common to hear that raw food people initially lose weight and then rebuild it differently.

[spicyfull]

All the Best to you in All your Endevours.................

[SmilingRawDancer]

Ahhh if only I had the metabolism of a naturally thin gal :(
I eat raw and...er...yeah I've gained weight.

Basic genetics are NOT FAIRR :)

[aililiu]

aww hunny i was wondering where you went, i know in the summer you were trying so hard to gain weight.
ive never been that thin but i know im thinner than ive ever been by being 100% and i got a LOT of negative reactions from it even though im not underweight! im just at the bottom of the bmi. so i understand about feeling conscious of it, its horrible thinking youre being judged.

i have heard a lot about how your body can go through a very thin period before building up again. maybe your body was just at a very pure stage that others are not at anymore? im comfortable at my weight right now BUT i also want to lose the fat thats remaining because i know that its holding old toxins and i want to release that. but i also know itll be hard to deal with people talking behind my back, or to my face, and thinking i have an eating disorder.

did you try eating a lot of fruit? thats how i gain weight, because of my blood sugar.
have you tried eating a lot of hemp?
you can ignore my ideas if you want, it sounds like you were doing everything you could think of.

good for you for not giving up yoga.
its something i dearly want to incorporate but im having a hard time getting started with it. but i believe that it can be so healing.

its good to hear from you.
keep us updated.

loads of love,
liliu

[trinity082482]

From my own body experience.. I only get cellulite when my body gains weight too fast... One time I gained 15 lbs in 3 weeks and I even had upper arm dimples :eek:
It's not pretty... its almost like the body is telling you it doesn't know how to deal with the over load of extra fat.
But that is my body... everyone is different.. I use L-Carnitine which is naturally in our skin and it has been the most dramatic thing I have used. It really works. :p

[rawnhealthy]

It's interesting, I was just wondering if anyone else experienced this- the losing weight, feeling too thin bit. I had been raw for about three months when my clothes started falling off-literally. Then I began getting alot of attention-not just from the opposite sex, but from everyone. People wanted to meet me, talk to me, children would see me and their eyes would get big and bright and they would smile at me and would try to follow me around, dogs did that too. So for me it wasn't just the weight, it was the "brightness"- the glow. It sounds really good, but I started to feel self conscious and I wanted to hide...it was just too much, too soon.
I gained back some weight but now I don't feel as light and bright and happy, so I'm making my way back to what my body needs and trying to feel that it's safe to be bright and be my whole self.
Anyway, I can relate to your experience, deeply and I wish you much love and light on your journey:O)

[lalakis]

That's exactly what happened to me, but my parents saw it as anorexia and put me in the hospital (literally).
I went off raw entirely, gained a shit load of weight.. and now I'm as raw as I can possibly be.. 99%, and working on losing some of the weight I gained.. not all.. because being under 90 pounds and 5'3 was no fun.
I looked gross.

Wow..yeah..no one outright accused me of having an eating disorder but I think they thought I was dealing with some sort of problem. Like once I recognized and voiced that I was too thin, and told people I wanted to gain weight, THEN friends were like "yeah you were getting pretty skinny, I didnt want to say anything". Gee, thanks!

Yeah I am working on maintaining 105 lbs. That's what I weighed when I felt my body was at it's hottest. Ha. So I guess I am working on a couple of vanity pounds, however I feel that since it's all muscle, my body is probably the same size as it was then. I'm feeling pretty okay with how things are. It's nice :) I dont feel self-conscious anymore! I feel hot.

Good luck to you with everything!

[lalakis]

You were in part of the cycle where you were shedding the "false body" before you started to regain muscle on the new and improved raw body. It's common to hear that raw food people initially lose weight and then rebuild it differently.

I know, I was just getting frustrated and wanted to rush things along. I still ate mostly fruits and veggies the past few months but incorporated other things. I'm glad it worked out like this! I found what is best for my body ;)

[lalakis]

aww hunny i was wondering where you went, i know in the summer you were trying so hard to gain weight.
ive never been that thin but i know im thinner than ive ever been by being 100% and i got a LOT of negative reactions from it even though im not underweight! im just at the bottom of the bmi. so i understand about feeling conscious of it, its horrible thinking youre being judged.

i have heard a lot about how your body can go through a very thin period before building up again. maybe your body was just at a very pure stage that others are not at anymore? im comfortable at my weight right now BUT i also want to lose the fat thats remaining because i know that its holding old toxins and i want to release that. but i also know itll be hard to deal with people talking behind my back, or to my face, and thinking i have an eating disorder.

did you try eating a lot of fruit? thats how i gain weight, because of my blood sugar.
have you tried eating a lot of hemp?
you can ignore my ideas if you want, it sounds like you were doing everything you could think of.

good for you for not giving up yoga.
its something i dearly want to incorporate but im having a hard time getting started with it. but i believe that it can be so healing.

its good to hear from you.
keep us updated.

loads of love,
liliu

Hi hi hi!!! I feel like I started to experience paranoia and anxiety because I thought people were looking at me and thinking I was gross and too skinny! It's funny though...because I dont think that when I see thin people...I dont think anything of it at all! Maybe I was just over-reacting and getting inside of my head too much. But at the time it didnt matter...Im glad it worked out like this.

I felt incredibly pure. Like I was on this high that no one could touch...which felt AMAZING..for me. But only for me. I started to feel isolated and shut off from normal people. It sucks but there has to be a balance. It was like I was spiritually enlightened almost! It was incredible and I do hope to experience that again...maybe one day when my metabolism is slower! :p

I have never heard of eating hemp....do explain! I tried everything. Hummus and soy protein did the trick for me. Loads and loads of it. I felt gross though, over-eating and stuffing myself.

Where are you located? There is a small but awesome yoga community here in Baltimore. I teach every now and then...you should try it. It will be difficult at first but just keep at it and dont judge yourself if you cant do something. Just be there in the moment, doing it. It changed my life.

Loads of love to you as well!!!!

[lalakis]

From my own body experience.. I only get cellulite when my body gains weight too fast... One time I gained 15 lbs in 3 weeks and I even had upper arm dimples :eek:
It's not pretty... its almost like the body is telling you it doesn't know how to deal with the over load of extra fat.
But that is my body... everyone is different.. I use L-Carnitine which is naturally in our skin and it has been the most dramatic thing I have used. It really works. :p

That's exactly what happened!!!! It was too quick. I would even bend over and my stomach had ripples!!!! Thank god thats gone.

[lalakis]

It's interesting, I was just wondering if anyone else experienced this- the losing weight, feeling too thin bit. I had been raw for about three months when my clothes started falling off-literally. Then I began getting alot of attention-not just from the opposite sex, but from everyone. People wanted to meet me, talk to me, children would see me and their eyes would get big and bright and they would smile at me and would try to follow me around, dogs did that too. So for me it wasn't just the weight, it was the "brightness"- the glow. It sounds really good, but I started to feel self conscious and I wanted to hide...it was just too much, too soon.
I gained back some weight but now I don't feel as light and bright and happy, so I'm making my way back to what my body needs and trying to feel that it's safe to be bright and be my whole self.
Anyway, I can relate to your experience, deeply and I wish you much love and light on your journey:O)

Oh my god...that's how I felt. Exactly. It was this strange dichotomy of feeling so beautiful, inside and out, totally pure and saintly almost. Just full of light. Then on the other hand, feeling anxious and paranoid and grossly thin. Like I couldnt decide if the attention I received was positive or negative. I decided it was negative, but now, looking back, I realize it wasnt. That is why I am angry at myself for not being able to handle the attention.

Any attention I perceived as negative was probably because people were so intimidated by me.

Also, I was so much more sensitive to other people. To their openness, receptivity, their souls almost. I could feel people I talked to. It scared me.

This summer was a time for spiritual growth, and raw foods as well as yoga were what caused it. It was an extremely powerful combination.

I am trying to make my way back to that place as well, but it still scares me. I second-guess myself all the time...because I only have MYSELF as comparison. I dont have anyone to look up to along this path...anyone who has come before me. I feel that I am learning everything on my own and sometimes it's too much to handle.

I know I am not alone, as you are not either, I just wish all of us could live collectively among each other....not spread out in different states and such...but maybe that's the point.

[rawnhealthy]

Lalakis
I was also practicing yoga while eating raw. I believe the combination to be incredible, if only I could feel okay with being that bright...all the time.

Even if we can't all live together, we can meet here in Alissa's "house" to share our stories/lives. Hope to see you around:)

[aililiu]

Hi hi hi!!! I feel like I started to experience paranoia and anxiety because I thought people were looking at me and thinking I was gross and too skinny! It's funny though...because I dont think that when I see thin people...I dont think anything of it at all! Maybe I was just over-reacting and getting inside of my head too much. But at the time it didnt matter...Im glad it worked out like this.

I felt incredibly pure. Like I was on this high that no one could touch...which felt AMAZING..for me. But only for me. I started to feel isolated and shut off from normal people. It sucks but there has to be a balance. It was like I was spiritually enlightened almost! It was incredible and I do hope to experience that again...maybe one day when my metabolism is slower!

I have never heard of eating hemp....do explain! I tried everything. Hummus and soy protein did the trick for me. Loads and loads of it. I felt gross though, over-eating and stuffing myself.

Where are you located? There is a small but awesome yoga community here in Baltimore. I teach every now and then...you should try it. It will be difficult at first but just keep at it and dont judge yourself if you cant do something. Just be there in the moment, doing it. It changed my life.

Loads of love to you as well!!!!



its fantastic that youve come to that realization, then...
if you do ever drop the weight again perhaps itll feel alright for you :)
i have loads more energy/vitality than i used to,
but looking back, i was barely alive.
im still reaching for that high you talk about.
ive only been raw five months so i know itll take more time

mmmm ohmigoodness hemp is one of my STAPLES.
its related to the cannabis plant but has absolutely no THC,
although there are still strict laws about growing it because it CAN cross-pollenate.

you can get hemp seeds, MMM, soo so good,
looked for the SHELLED ones, they are still raw,
they may be labeled hemp hearts or hemp seed nut.
if you get the ones still in the hull they will not be raw as they need to be sterilized so that people cannot sprout and grow their own.

you can also get hemp seed powder,
which is all ground up,
often called hemp protein powder.
its a lovely green colour &has a gorgeous nutty taste. MM!
try it with bananas, MMMM! or in smoothies!
nice and filling.

you can get hemp seed OIL as well,
which has that yummy green colour and nutty taste,
it is my FAVOURITE oil, sooo delicious.

hemp has THE perfect balance of omegas 6 & 3,
the same balance as were meant to have in our bodies.
(so, flax is good if youre trying to boost your omega 3s,
but i think hemp is better in the long run.
your body should not have more 3s than 6s.)

hemp also is a COMPLETE protein,
containing EVERY essential amino acid.

AND its totally raw,
and completely scrummy.
mmmmm

it is one of my staples, i eat it every day.
multiple times.
lol.

you can also get hemp LEAF powder,
which is completely different,
but is supposed to be quite the superfood in its own right...
id love to try it but ive only seen it on the internet so far and im not big on online ordering.

WHEW.
theres the info ;)

i would DEFINITELY recommend getting off of soy and onto HEMP.

as for yoga,
i live in british columbia so that would be a bit of a trip for me :rolleyes:
too bad, i would love to take your yoga class!
exercising has always been so difficult for me,
i find it so hard to stay in the routine.!!
i cant afford classes right now (student + superfoods = $$, lol!)
and i find it hard to keep at it on my own.

i feel its something that will come in time and i try not to beat myself up about it,
but i know how important it is and i wish it came more naturally to me :o
but i love hearing testimonies like yours on how incredible it is,
because that inspires me to do it more
i even find it enjoyable!
its just the ... motivation. siiiigh.

bless,
liliu

[StarFire]

Aloha and Welcome back girrrrl.... ;) You've been missed ya know?

so... I just wanted to poke my head in and tell you....
I've always... ALWAYS thought you were beautiful. Amazingly beautiful...

it is a lovely gift when one's spirit shines through.
You will find your path ... and your balance....
and even when we find ourselves 'vibrating' at a higher frequency... know that there ARE others out there - living in that same vibration... you are never isolated.... because you are never one to think yourself 'higher than anyone - or more aware than anyone...' that's just not you --- (even though we've never met...) I know you are a loving, kind, and compassionate spirit.

it is because you were operating at a higher frequency that others were attracted to you... children, animals.... you were moving towards the 'oneness'.... and that my dear is a beautiful thing... truly - NOT isolated - but rather -- a fullness... so...you just keep on rawkin the house girl.... and be who you are!

http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s43/FireStar_830/ththliloandstitchhug.gif ... Hugs... and I really am glad to see you!

[crystalmoon]

I just wanted to say that from your photo I truly think you look exceedingly beautiful

[lalakis]

Aloha and Welcome back girrrrl.... ;) You've been missed ya know?

so... I just wanted to poke my head in and tell you....
I've always... ALWAYS thought you were beautiful. Amazingly beautiful...

it is a lovely gift when one's spirit shines through.
You will find your path ... and your balance....
and even when we find ourselves 'vibrating' at a higher frequency... know that there ARE others out there - living in that same vibration... you are never isolated.... because you are never one to think yourself 'higher than anyone - or more aware than anyone...' that's just not you --- (even though we've never met...) I know you are a loving, kind, and compassionate spirit.

it is because you were operating at a higher frequency that others were attracted to you... children, animals.... you were moving towards the 'oneness'.... and that my dear is a beautiful thing... truly - NOT isolated - but rather -- a fullness... so...you just keep on rawkin the house girl.... and be who you are!

http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s43/FireStar_830/ththliloandstitchhug.gif ... Hugs... and I really am glad to see you!

THANK YOU SO MUCH. Wow. The gratitude I feel on a daily basis keeps my heart so warm these days.

I never think of myself as better, because while operating on this 'higher level' the ego is demolished. I think it could be easy to misinterpret it for ego as an outsider looking in...until someone actually speaks with me. I carry myself in a way that could be mistaken as exuding pride or ego, because I am always extending my heart out into open-ness, head up, never letting anything, anyone, any circumstance interupt this feeling of tranquility within. I almost feel like someone could say "what the hell?!?!" when dealing with me for the first time because I am so unaffected by outside negativity at this point. That brings me back to the idea of never judging, I hope that no one judges me until they speak to me, as I try to do for everyone I meet as well.

I truly am thankful for your reply, even though I cannot physically hug you, know that I am sending good vibes your way! Which actually...could be a closer way of connecting than any physical contact we could have...if you think about it.

[lalakis]

I just wanted to say that from your photo I truly think you look exceedingly beautiful

Thank you! It's funny, that photo was taken in July, at the height of my "purification" as a raw foodist. I had been 100% raw for about 2 months when that was taken. I feel like the glow is undeniable!! I look ethereal. I want to feel that way again. But thank you thank you so much.