Too strict with others?

[rawpriestess]

A few years ago, my son wanted to go raw, he has a wife and 5 daughters who all eat SAD.

I gave him a dehydrator, and hand held blender, a food processor, and alot of the tools he would need to do the raw food thing.

I also made him a lot of dehydrated goodies, etc.

I remember he called after about a week, to tell me how excited he was that he was 100% raw, even though his family wasn't, and how good he felt, I asked him what he had been eating, and he told me orange juice, fresh fruits, vegetables, salads, nuts, olives all the good things.

He was so happy.

I asked him how he liked using the citrus juicer I gave him, and he said he hadn't tried it yet, so I asked him how he got his orange juice, and he said, I buy the frozen kind.

Well, In my infinite wisdom, I explained to him that his frozen orange juice was NOT raw, and found out that he had been eating canned olives, and bottled salad dressing, and so I informed him of his errors.

I thought I was being helpful, and informative, and that he would want to KNOW that he was NOT 100% raw.

He understood, and said he would not eat those things any longer.

In just a couple weeks, he was back eating SAD foods.

Now, did I really help him? I don't think so. I think he was happy in his eating, and I could have been much more supportive, and told him that he wasn't 100% raw, but that it was okay, because he was transitioning, and that he could continue to drink the frozen orange juice he loved so much, but maybe mix it 1/2 and 1/2 with the fresh, since there is such a difference in flavor.

I also could have given him a number of salad dressing recipes, and again, I could have been more supportive.

Now, I know he is responsible for his own actions, and his own choices, but then again, I could have been less strict.

Maybe I was so strict with him, because I felt like I wasn't perfect either.

After all, I love canned olives, and frozen orange juice too, I just either had to find alternatives, or accept that that part of my food plan wasn't 100% raw.

I counsel people every day on their families, their parents, their husbands, they all want their **___________** fill in the blank to be fixed. Especially if they are having a challenge with what they are doing.

But I keep telling my clients that I can only help the person who actually comes to me WANTING help.

I remember one day, a man came to me wanting to stop smoking, so I started the interview with, "so for what purpose do you wish to stop smoking?" and he said, "well, actually I don't really care, but my wife wants me to stop smoking, so I thought I'd give you a go, so go ahead, make me stop smoking."

Well, you can imagine how productive that session went. Not at all.

He had no desire to stop his behavior, I would have been much more successful changing his wife's thoughts about his smoking.

So, now I am happy for everyone, exactly where they are, and I don't try to fix unbroken people.

If they come to me wanting help, I will help them, but I won't judge them, or tell them they are wrong. I simply explain things, and let them make their own decisions.

[VeganVixen]

I understand what you mean, what is the difference if someone uses a bit of salad dressing or cooked juice? Its a whole lot better than what they were eating before! I think they need too knit pick themselves, not have someone else do it for them.I think that is a common problem with this lifestyle -the need to perfect (even if its someone else) Sometimes I think "whats SO evil about someone REALLY wanting to be on the s.a.d. ,If thats what they REALLY want then good luck to them ......... Sometimes I find myself judging others harshley and have to say "shut up and mind your own buisness" ,ya know?

[Tanja_swe]

rawpriestess, I can so relate with your son. My mother has always been into healthy living (even though it's not raw) and she's been influencing me over the years. Every once in a while I've felt that maybe this (whatever she is talking about at the moment) could be something for me too. She helps me with information and I jump in. A few weeks later and I'm really happy with myself she points out all the "mistakes" I'm making. She doesn't mean any harm with it, on the contrary she does it because she wants to help me. BUT it has the opposite effect, I feel like there is no need for me trying cause I can't make it good enough. It's like she's knocking me down. Maybe if she could point out the things I've done good and then suggest what I could improve when I felt ready.

This has lead to that I no longer show the same interest when she starts talking about what she just found out., instead I search for my own path. And maybe it's a good thing?

Of course I'm old enough to take responsibility over my own actions, as are your son. (I'm 31 and my mother is 67) But a mother is always a mother, and that bond is pretty complicated sometimes....

After "ignoring" her ideas and forming my own she has started to show a kean interest into raw food. Very exciting! This time I get to teach her :)

[Sweet lips]

Great Thread - I have matured greatly in my life. I was "I must be exact", full of data, facts and control - I was miserable. Now, I operate under a premise of no shame no blame. I can provide information to anyone who asks, and they can use it or not - and it really is okay.

We learn so much for our own life lessons and experiences, and thus, it is not beneficial for others to determine what we do, OR to be to strict on it. Imagine, how we have had something so good and we turned someone away because we were too strict - they had to do it "our way". When, really there are so many ways to do things, who is to stay what way is the right way?

I am rambling, but I am learning to give my 17 year old room for growth and not stand over him for every little thing - in 20 years, will it matter that he didn't clean his room the way I thought he should, or that his mom allowed him freedom to grow and do as he needed to .

I understand Tanje about the mom thing - My mother saw that I lost weight, but yet noticed that I had the dark patch on my skin and focused on that. I told her about the onion bread and her comment was is it low carb. I had to get my grip and not get angry but determined that the so what attitude. I know she loves me as she loves me, and the only person I can change dramatically is me - moi, myself. Provide to me all of the love that I can, and thought I should receive from elsewhere. You know what - when that happened, I did receive that love from my mother -I was repackaged and grateful.

Thanks Cherie for having me read this - I was going through drama about drinking bottled V-8 - I like it, so I am drinking it - it is providing something to me right now and I transition even more to a better place in my journey. I was getting ready to get strict on me, now how would that be? :)

[lallen13]

I think many get caught up in the all or nothing but it really isn't about that. I think most of us on this board agree the best diet in the world is 100% raw fruits and vegetables. But, there are degrees of health. More fruit in the diet is better than no fruit. Then 50% is better than one piece of fruit a day. Of course, the more the better. I have tried to maintain 100% raw and am struggling but I consider myself a rawfoodist in transition not someone that tries to add more fruit and vegetables to my diet. I no longer look at SAD food the same.
Many books recommend adding more fresh produce and then go all day just eating raw. It grows from there when you feel the difference. It grows in each of us at different rates.
Here is to all the beautiful people on here that believe raw food is the best and are are trying to get there!
Lorna

[misslinda]

I found myself expecting my sis to do raw perfectly b/c deep down inside I was struggling in my earlier attempts before going 100%. I realized I was making both of us frustrated and needed to recognize that.

How dare I try to sketch the path of her life for her! No two things in the universe are exactly alike anwyay. ;)

[twinyoga]

The first time I wanted to try raw, my husband was so excited. And he is a true SAD eater. He loved the idea of eating raw. Well, that week I freaked out...really freaked out. I was nervous and driving us nuts trying to gather all the raw information I needed. And, as a result, I made him hate raw.

He was looking for something different, flexible, not a "diet". I found it for him, and then I made it to difficult for him to enjoy.

Oh well, I keep trying to influence him with a good meal here and there. Hasn't worked yet. But I'll keep trying.

[Fuzzball]

You know, unasked for advice is not really advice, it's criticism. I have learned that the hard way.

Your plan was good. perhaps it was just in approach.

Rather than say....hey, that's a mistake, you say "hey, if you think that canned juice is good, wait till you try the real thing" or "You're going to love this recipe, it's just the kind of food you always loved".

We sons are difficult, but we know that mom aint trying to steer us wrong.

So have you given your son any further encouragement to go raw...the right way? Have you given him Alissa's DVD? That's all it took for me...I watched that and knew this was going to be my life.

You can get that excitement back, you just have to find the right need in him.

And now look, I've given you unasked for advice...see....we all do it....sorry.

[rawpriestess]

Dear Fuzzball, Yep, see how easy it is?LOL

I really liked what you said about unsolicited advice, isn't advice, it's criticism, how true.

YES, I have steered him better this time. He lives in a different state, but comes up often to work here, so he stays with us, and we eat raw, so when he eats with us he eats raw.

I ALWAYS have massive quantities of raw fruits, veggies, nuts, icecreams, truffles, fruit leather, snacks, appetizers, etc.

No matter what I am making for us I always make some extra for him, and he loves it.

In fact, I never say anything other than, "you wanna' try some?", and he'll say, "of course", after all, he grew up with my cooking, so he knows he's in for a treat of some kind or another.

And he always loves whatever it is.

So, now he eats raw when he's here, and I send him home lots of raw goodies when he leaves, then he can choose to do whatever he wants when at home, but when he comes back up here, he knows there will always be plenty of Raw, ripe, fresh, organic things available for him. And they taste good too.

When I used to do catering, he was always my taste tester, so he grew up never knowing what I was gonna' feed him for dinner. same now, last week it was rawviolies, and pesto stuffed mushrooms, chocolate layer cake with macademia nut frosting, and dates, ypocrass punch, and tostadas, pico de gallo, bar-b-que chicken, all raw of course. he never knows what's in it, he just eats it and is happily satisfied.

Life is good.

[kiwilime]

When I first started eating more raw I would tell my b/f that I was having only fruits for breakfast. To my surprise he told me he was starting to eat heathier and he bought fruit and he was having it for breakfast every morning. When I went over and opened his fridge....OH I freaked...it was the package fruit with syrup..etc... I quickly told him this was not heathier, it was BAD for him. I wasn't trying to make him Raw but I definitely didn't want him to think the package/canned fruit was good either. Well..he's back to waffles and eggs/bacon. I wish I just let him enjoy his package fruit and tell him he should try the fresh ones without freaking out on him.

[RawTruth]

Rawpriestess, can I be your taste tester now?

[rawpriestess]

Dearest Raw Truth,

You betcha, you can certainly be my taste tester, was doing chocolate layer cake, and pizza with gooey cheese pizza, today.

[Alissa]

This is such a great thread. It has taken me so long to learn this lesson as well.

At least once a week i have someone ask me if they can send their mother/friend/relative to me. i say, 'sure, are they raw or wanting to eat raw food'. When they say no but they have this disease or this ailment or this problem going on i say, 'ok, well, that would be great, id love to work with them but do they want to do this, have you spoken to them about it, etc..' and when they answer, 'oh no, ive never mentioned it to them but im going to call them now - or - yes and they thought i was crazy but if they talk to you im sure you can convince them'. HA! It never works!

I think the best way is what raw priestess said about having amazing food around when he's there. I find its always better to let people choose it themselves, otherwise it comes back to bite you, its never a good thing.
Leading by example is the best way. Making incredible looking and tasting food, looking and feeling YOUR best, healing yourself and being the best you can be is such an example and a testament to this lifestyle. People will just naturally be drawn to you and what your doing. Eventually you wont have to say ANYTHING! They will be begging you to tell them what your doing and how to help them.

And if they do not choose that way, even if it’s a loved one you care about, then you have to let them be. Its their life journey and life lessons they are living, not yours.

BTW/ there are many times I need to follow my own advice here as its not that easy, I know! When you see someone struggling and hurting and you think you have the answers to help them its hard not to preach or cajole them to do it! Ive been successful with a few of these cases but usually it only when I know them well enough to be so forceful and bold and keep on them and MAKE them see the truth (the truth according to me that is!) lol!

[VeganVixen]

This is such a great thread. It has taken me so long to learn this lesson as well.

At least once a week i have someone ask me if they can send their mother/friend/relative to me. i say, 'sure, are they raw or wanting to eat raw food'. When they say no but they have this disease or this ailment or this problem going on i say, 'ok, well, that would be great, id love to work with them but do they want to do this, have you spoken to them about it, etc..' and when they answer, 'oh no, ive never mentioned it to them but im going to call them now - or - yes and they thought i was crazy but if they talk to you im sure you can convince them'. HA! It never works!

I think the best way is what raw priestess said about having amazing food around when he's there. I find its always better to let people choose it themselves, otherwise it comes back to bite you, its never a good thing.
Leading by example is the best way. Making incredible looking and tasting food, looking and feeling YOUR best, healing yourself and being the best you can be is such an example and a testament to this lifestyle. People will just naturally be drawn to you and what your doing. Eventually you wont have to say ANYTHING! They will be begging you to tell them what your doing and how to help them.

And if they do not choose that way, even if it’s a loved one you care about, then you have to let them be. Its their life journey and life lessons they are living, not yours.

BTW/ there are many times I need to follow my own advice here as its not that easy, I know! When you see someone struggling and hurting and you think you have the answers to help them its hard not to preach or cajole them to do it! Ive been successful with a few of these cases but usually it only when I know them well enough to be so forceful and bold and keep on them and MAKE them see the truth (the truth according to me that is!) lol!
Well said Alissa :) ;)

[Wendy]

think they need too knit pick themselves,

VV,

it is "nit picked," it derives from picking lice nits off of people...kinda gross huh?

[VeganVixen]

oops ,thanks for the correction!

[RawTruth]

Alissa, thanks for your comments.They're very timely for me. I get so excited about how great I feel that I want to tell everyone. I've learned to rein in that impulse now, but I still sometimes make comments to the people that I care the most about. It's hard because I want them to enjoy this freedom, too, and to experience how bright and hopeful the world can be.

[Wendy]

VV,

I didn't want to correct you as the thread is about just that thing! But, it had a bit of trivia with it, so....

[Fuzzball]

BTW/ there are many times I need to follow my own advice here as its not that easy, I know! When you see someone struggling and hurting and you think you have the answers to help them its hard not to preach or cajole them to do it! Ive been successful with a few of these cases but usually it only when I know them well enough to be so forceful and bold and keep on them and MAKE them see the truth (the truth according to me that is!) lol!

Alissa, let me just say it right here and now...if you ever have a dying need to tell me something, but you don't want to do it because you might think it's unsolicited, you have carte blanche to go right ahead.

When it's coming from someone I respect, even unsolicited advice is welcome, and you fit in that category....afterall......it was your book and DVD that got me to make the decision to change my life! There are currently only three other people that I will take raw advice from, unsolicited, and not consider it criticism, because I know where their hearts are.

So, please, feel free to provide all the advice you want!

Everyone else, you may also advise all you like....afterall, I've learned to take the "Grocery Store Approach"....just as you don't buy everything in a grocery store when you go there, you don't have to take everything from just anyone. Until they earn the respect that leads to unconditional acceptance, use that grocery store approach....you'll live a lot less stressful!!