I never really gave it much thought...

[lafsalot]

..about the dynamic of relationship changes after a dramatic weight loss until after listening to Rev's insightful interview with Angela Stokes (btw, for those of you who don't know, she lost 160 lbs). Thought it might make a great topic of discussion here. How have the people around you dealt with your weight loss, and how has it personally affected you? Anyone? ~ Cathy

[DavidZaneMason]

Mine was very gradual....about 1 lb a week for 60 weeks! ha! ha! Even so.......and even though I was still well within the 'medical-normal' range......people still give you flac. Americans are graded/judged on a weight curve which is......ahem......decidely on the upper-end of the weight scale......LOL.

-David Z. Mason

[Revvell]

I think this is a GREAT topic. As I've worked with many people, healthy, not-so, I realized that the dynamics with people tend to change.. they don't seem to relate the same. For instance, when a person has been ill for a long time, people have created a lifestyle around them.. how they "deal" with them; treat them; avoid them; are attracted to them, etc. When they become well, that dynamic changes and often those relationships end for various reasons.

I'm assuming that the same happens with those who've eliminated ~ and maybe even have gained ~ weight.

Can't wait to read the responses.
Revvellicious

[juliebove]

I lost 60 pounds at one point. Can't really say that it changed my life any, except that I had to buy new clothes.

[trinity082482]

No one noticed except my spouse.

[MommyB]

No one noticed except my spouse.

No way! :eek: You lost almost a whole person and no one noticed?? Crazy! Do you have before and after pictures? I would love to see them!:) And congrats on your major weight loss and healthy lifestyle!

[Dj 247]

All I ever hear is this, "You're losing to much weight." I think some people feel threatened by this. For whatever reason I don't know, but I can tell a difference in THEIR attitude. My attitude has changed as well. I am a much calmer person now, I feel more empathy for others and the world around me, I am less competitive, and feel more comfortable just being who I am. I have two friends who had gastric bypass surgery and thier attitudes have changed as well, but it is all about the outside changes to them it seems. It's all about what they look like. My changes are just as much emotional as physical.

[kiropa]

i have not experienced 'dramatic' weight loss. just 20-30 pounds.

my family is supportive and wonderful. work acquaintances do not even notice. friends (girls) are jealous or something and tell me i have an ED (which i do not). interesting to say the least.

hubby is not too thrilled with food 'restrictions' that i impose. though he likes the happiness, peace, serenity, and comfort that comes with the body.

[LearningDaily]

*Opens can of worms*

This topic really upsets me, not because of the topic itself but because of my experiences. I didn't do it RAW but I lost 135 lbs about 5 years ago. The difference in the way I was treated as a size 24 was DRAMATICALLY different than the treatment I received as a size 4.

There were many changes within myself during my weight loss... increased health awareness, increased confidence, increased activity, elevated mood. This affected my relationship with my husband in many ways, we both had to adjust to my emotional changes. This adjustment took two years after my weight loss became quite visible and almost cost us our marriage.

I am a very 'keep it to myself person' in an employment situation; I don't want to know you and I don't want you to know me sort of thing. I go to work for cash, not to be your ear when you want an ok to eat donuts or to listen to your gossip; therefore, I come off as a big B****. So be it. Because of this I was completely ignored at work (I was good with that, lol) UNTIL I lost weight. During the process, I endured cancer rumors and terminal illness rumors due to the fact that I had to have surgery about 6 months into my losing and was off work for a week. But ta da!!! Once I was a more normal weight everyone wanted to be my friend, I was given a promotion after years of trying for a certain job, 'big wigs' would smile in the halls where before they wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. This sickened me and I became very angry and bitter about it. (I've let all of that go since then....well, maybe.)

Every friend I had, granted I only had two or three close ones at the time, decided that I was stuck up now that I had lost weight. I no longer have a relationship with them.(their choice) This I can only assume is because they were larger as well and didn't want to lose weight and my lifestyle had changed dramatically in comparison to theirs. Before we cut communication they'd call to invite me out to dinner, said they needed to fatten me up.

I really am not a terrible person, and maybe in some way I did push them away, but I did not shun them because, as one friend put it, I was skinny now and didn't want to be embarrassed by my fat ass friends.


How has it affected me?
At first I reacted with anger and resentment toward the entire human race. I suspected everyone of fat hate. LOL After I regained my senses and let go of my anger, I came to realize that everyone has their hang ups; some I share, some I don't. I've been forced to look to the inside of people and not see the outer. I've always been this way, but more so now in the past few years. I'm grateful for having seen both sides of this situation, it is quite insightful.

[Dj 247]

i have not experienced 'dramatic' weight loss. just 20-30 pounds.

my family is supportive and wonderful. work acquaintances do not even notice. friends (girls) are jealous or something and tell me i have an ED (which i do not). interesting to say the least.

hubby is not too thrilled with food 'restrictions' that i impose. though he likes the happiness, peace, serenity, and comfort that comes with the body.

I think 20 to 30lbs is quite a bit for anyone to lose. I also think people think I do not eat as in having some type of ED. I just let my husband tell them differently. lol. I eat a lot of food, raw food, of course. He usually ask them if they want to see our grocery bills. I don't know why they believe him and not me! Since my weight has leveled out people are getting use to the new me.

[lafsalot]

I think this is a GREAT topic. As I've worked with many people, healthy, not-so, I realized that the dynamics with people tend to change.. they don't seem to relate the same. For instance, when a person has been ill for a long time, people have created a lifestyle around them.. how they "deal" with them; treat them; avoid them; are attracted to them, etc. When they become well, that dynamic changes and often those relationships end for various reasons.

I'm assuming that the same happens with those who've eliminated ~ and maybe even have gained ~ weight.

Can't wait to read the responses.
Revvellicious

Good point Revvell, and am so glad you brought that up!

Speaking from the perspective of someone with "advanced life limiting illnesses", the raw journey has proven to be nothing short of a miracle for me. Words cannot adequately express how much the dynamics of all my relationships have changed, but I know you understand. ~ Cathy

[Riiiya]

i know that people who care deeply about me (like my family) are proud with the way i take care of myself.....

and others- like my "host" family in the US who kept calling me "skinny" even after i gained 20lbs in high school...well they seem to be more negative- like i'm doing something crazy, like i'm "too skinny" now and probably undereating and having deficiencies of all sorts... i just think in my head "OH WELL" it's my life, my body, my health.

Some people are even threatened by my lifestyle. they EXPECT me to judge and try to conver them. Now, i'm not perfect and i do judge sometimes (when a very heavy girl sits across from me in the dining hall ordering a burger with french fries... i do catch myself being a bit judgemental, but not in a negative way so much.. more like- i just wish she would take the step to better health! she just doesn't know how amazing it would feel)

Anyway, weight loss changes the way others look at you. Of course, because you're different to look at :o but also, they can either relate to you more or less. And that will change the way you interact (IMHO)

[justinesmith]

Even thought I haven't lost all the weight I want to lose, I find that people are more upset by what I'm eating than how I look. I seem to make friends uncomfortable because I choose a salad over chicken wings and I get the patented "oh you eat so good and I eat so crappy" comment. Never once have I commented on what they are eating or even so much as glanced in their direction when they order. I know it is not about me but about their insecurities with themselves. I've also heard "sorry Justine, but I have to eat my meat" (even though I haven't said a word about it) and I always say "enjoy!". I'm not sure why they think I would judge but I guess they are actually just judging themselves. Hmmmmm....

[luckitri]

For most of my life I had a really great shape until recent years. People were jealous and would try to tear me down because of it. I usually dressed modestly and when I was young I shyly tried to dress to hide my shape - especially after I was kidnapped and raped. However, even so, some women would brutally tear me down - in one case because I did not have ample cleavage.

I have always been aware of the hatred, ridicule and lack of acceptance that fat people get - and the misogyny from men using that as leverage. (Well I suppose women are misogynists also because they often will tolerate a fat man well and be hyper-critical about a fat woman.) I have had varying reactions to people who refused to accept me because I looked good when they did not directly related to whether I could break through that and if their behavior was causing me direct financial harm. Social harm hurts but just try to accept and cope and move on if can.

I have been militant for years about not wanting to hear people denigrate others because of their weight. So I have made alot of people angry for refusing to hear or accept this behavior and then they get mad at me cause they know they are wrong and stupid me pointed it out instead of just going along to get along. (I also do not stick around or tolerate the hate going towards people who look exceptionally well.) So in a way - when people demonstrate this behavior I feel that they are demonstrating a shallowness that shows me that I will never be able to trust them as a friend. (Especially since my weight has fluctuated up and down so much in the last decade that I don't wish to invest in a fair weather friendship that I will lose with the next weight fluctuation.) It is all so ridiculous to me as well as frustrating that people cannot seem to get beyond it. (It's hard to fly like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys?)

Since I now have had a weight problem for more than a decade due to medical problems I have had an eye and an ear for the fact that medical problems can be the source of weight gain and it has made me even more accepting of both ends of the spectrum and more militant against negative judgemental haters for trivial reasons.

The only time I thought that fat was not trivial in relation to me was when a fat friend started breaking every piece of furniture he sat on. So we put cement blocks under one couch and he knew to sit on that when he came over.

[Lilly the Naiad]

Where I come from, almost everyone's fat. I mean it's like 19 out of 20 people are fat. Most of these people are obese and because they are so many they see themselves as normal and take no measures to improve their health. They don't see themselves as ill, ill is to have a cold or cancer. When I was 6 I swore I would never let myself get fat, that I'd do whatever it took not to let it happen.

I liked to be active and if anyone said that this or that food was healthy, I'd make myself eat it. I loved diving into salad bars and eat as many vegetables I could whenever I had the chance. I preffered brown bread to white and decided to cut out meat at 15.

At the elementary school cafeteria there'd be nothing but deep-fried junk food and I refused to eat it. With a workaholic mum that meant I prety much had my first meal around the evenings, killing hunger pangs throughout the day with sweets since in my limited knowledge sweets were fat free! As a result I was hypoglycemic at age 13. Everyone says it was all my fault for not eating the 'food' that was available to me.

Nobody ever really cared about me wanting to be healthy, but reacted to it as though I was wasting my time or that it was irritating to them, to have someone choosing to eat healthy things when they weren't.

I was always normal for my frame, but by comparison I looked thin to everyone, and all my life I was constantly told that I was too skinny.

It got to a point during puberty where I'd get a dollar per gained pound, I tried to eat ice cream, cookies, anything, I tried to look like the standard 'attractive girl' did, which was slightly over wheight with a big ass and thick thights.

As a result, I never got fat, but I developed what everyone calls 'baby fat'. Which is like a pudgyness on my body, even though I'm 5'5" and weight 115 pounds I don't have the lean frame I want and could have mantained if I hadn't paid attention to all those people who wanted me to get fat. And it's been hell to get rid of it. I'm hoping being raw will help.

I still get a hard time when I go visit my family. I still have to hear everyone tell me that I'm too skinny. And yes, I ended up on the other side of the world, feeling so alienated in general back home. I mean, if I tell people I eat raw food they might try to stage an intervention and say that I've finally lost my mind.

Bottom line, people don't like change, it's threatening and they will try to push you into their norm, their comfort zone and in the end you have to ask yourself if you will give your life to others or if you will give your life to yourself.

[aililiu]

absolutely it changes relationships.
i went raw while my best friend was away at uni; when she came home for the summer she was shocked at my weight loss (about 35 lbs) and really unhappy about it. she lectured me, cried at me, told me that our whole dynamic of friendship had changed and what did that mean if id given up so many things that we liked to do together (ie EAT) ??? i was very patient with her and stuck to it, and weve worked it out by now, we truly love each other and im glad it hasnt broken us. she would crave dairy queen and i would make her feel better by eating frozen banana icecream, and i realized it wasnt so much the food that we were eating, but that we were enjoying something together.

another one of my close friends just let me have it about a week ago on the phone, said she wouldnt get on my back about it (while sounding very angry!) but that she thinks that the raw diet is very unhealthy, and a stupid thing to do. she listed all these things she thought were wrong with it, and i said (calmly) that i knew she didnt want to have a discussion about it but if she ever wanted to hear my side of it i had an answer to everything she had brought up. she said youre right, i dont want to talk about it, i just wanted to let you know my opinion. im just letting it roll off my back because weve been friends for ages and i think she does feel threatened by it. shes plumpish and while i was never AS plump i was certainly fuller, and i think she resents this new slimmer me. i also know its made it hard for me to be social in the way she likes to be- cheese plates and ice cream and alcohol and all that.

the worst situation was that with my boyfriend. we had a very serious relationship (talking about ages in the future, and about having kids etc) and were very close but he always found it difficult when i was just vegan. when i mentioned i wanted to try raw he begged me not to. i did anyways (it had this irresistable tug, i just KNEW it was right) and told him it was just a week-long experiment to placate him but i think i knew it wasnt and he tried to talk me out of it for weeks until he saw i wasnt moving. then it got a little easier as my mood lifted and my libido came back. hahah! the social aspect was still hard and i think he felt he had to choose between me and his friends. people always feel sorry for you even though i never mind sitting with people while theyre enjoying food or drink, if theres nothing for me THATS OKAY, but everyone else feels awkward about it. the hardest part came when i started having serious emotional detox. ive struggled a lot with depression in the past and it had been alright for a while, i was doing a lot better, but during this detox i when right back down to the depths, it was frightening and really really hard on him. but i think even aside from the depression was just the fact that we were leading different lives, having different focuses. he split up with me about a month ago, completely out of the blue. ironically, although i was grieving, at the same time ive started to see an acupuncturist and my moods are leveling out and although im still hurting from the split it feels like a normal grievance and im able to feel pure joy and im DOING WELL. really well!! ive been putting out all of this positive energy and the world is turning around and giving me back everything it can. its amazing. and i feel this sense of FREEDOM, that i can finally just BE who i am and not feel like its a BURDEN to anyone!

i know im still going through a process and there will be more downs and possibly more scary emotional detoxes but im in this for the full deal, this feels so right to me. this is the true relationship: me and my body and my spirit and the earth. its beautiful and its not going to break up with me.

at the same time, ive met a gorgeous young man who is so kind and wonderful, thinks its BRILLIANT that i eat only raw food, and happens to be an urban farmer with loads of yummy veggies. hes all in tune with the earth and were both passionate about sustainable living/farming and about FOOD! im still healing from my split but hes being very patient and who knows what might happen?

like i said, the world is giving me back all my love.
raw can truly change your life.

[Lindazkewl]

i know im still going through a process and there will be more downs and possibly more scary emotional detoxes but im in this for the full deal, this feels so right to me. this is the true relationship: me and my body and my spirit and the earth. its beautiful and its not going to break up with me.

at the same time, ive met a gorgeous young man who is so kind and wonderful, thinks its BRILLIANT that i eat only raw food, and happens to be an urban farmer with loads of yummy veggies. hes all in tune with the earth and were both passionate about sustainable living/farming and about FOOD! im still healing from my split but hes being very patient and who knows what might happen?

like i said, the world is giving me back all my love.
raw can truly change your life.

Wow - how beautifully stated. I'm happy for you. Sounds like a dream :)

[mulch]

this is such a cool thread

[Stina]

An aside: I suffered from disfiguring acne for years, despite treatment from dermatologists. Once it cleared up, I learned that, well, in my opinion, women are even more guilty of men of being judgemental about appearances. I was definitely treated better when my appearances approved. I've had to make my peace with that and chalk it up to primal breeding drives.

[Stina]

I was thinking that maybe I was emanating negative energy with my post. Not to mention I hijacked the topic from fat to zits...... Overall, as hard as the experiences were at the time, I really learned a lot from it at a spiritual level. I learned how to detach from the crowd in a healthy manner, not to let my identity be determined by others, not to judge people on appearances, and to make peace with myself and God in a meaningful way.

[luckitri]

Stina? Emanating negative energy? Nawwww! You just said the TRUTH!

[lafsalot]

I was thinking that maybe I was emanating negative energy with my post. Not to mention I hijacked the topic from fat to zits...... Overall, as hard as the experiences were at the time, I really learned a lot from it at a spiritual level. I learned how to detach from the crowd in a healthy manner, not to let my identity be determined by others, not to judge people on appearances, and to make peace with myself and God in a meaningful way.

Not at all! Weight loss was not the reason I started my journey, and I should have included mind/body/spirit reactions in my op. Thanks for your input ~ Cathy

[Zaphirah]

I think I'll jump in here. I have lost about 60 lbs since my highest post pregnancy weight. When I was over 210 people TOTALLY ignored me. There was a circle of moms at ds's preschool who would actually turn their backs to me when I tried to approach them. The first time, I chalked it up to my imagination and low self esteem, but when it happened a 2nd and 3rd time-I knew it was for real. I have to say that really hurt me. I started going later and later to pick up my ds so I wouldn't be stuck out in the hall all alone, obviously EXCLUDED.

When I was bigger, I had a fear of going out in public. I very frequently was asked when I was due, but I wasn't pg and hadn't been for almost a year. I don't blame them, I was young, and had small babies and I certainly DID look pg. But it was devastating to hear.

After I lost the 60 lbs I am a more "average" size, sz 10. This is still too big for me. I am short: 5'4" and I carry ALL of my extra weight in my belly-I know this is the most unhealthy place to carry weight, so I am working at losing about 25 more pounds.

My weight has gone up and down and up and down since I was 13. I have gained and lost 100s of pounds. I have been thin and I have been FAT repeatedly-and one thing I did find out for sure-is that thin people are treated better. I took a bus once when I was 8.5 months pg. I had to stand. Not one person offered me their seat. Now if I was thin and pretty, I'm sure SOMEONE, esp one of the college aged guys would have offered me to have their seat.

And just 2 days ago TWO men on different occasions stopped and asked me for directions. I know if I was very large they would have passed me by for the next skinny mama. I'm sure of it.

I must add that as I lose weight I FEEL MORE COMPETENT. I think that is due to the healing that raw foods/fasting is bringing to my life, both physically and spiritually. I feel more competent because I am doing something that I COULDN'T achieve before. I now can see myself as a strong woman. Before I was weak and gave into temptation and felt terrible about myself. Now I am not selling myself short anymore. I have more confidence because there is nothing that calls attention to me in a negative way, so i can approach people and not worry about their judgments.

is that shallow? maybe. I don't know.

[mulch]

It is a nice feeling to have control of your body and your health. I feel a lot more powerful as well. I have learned a lot on this board and through exploring raw. Since raw is a demanding lifestyle, I feel myself putting more energy into staying healthy and making sure I have fresh produce in the house. The lifestyle makes me take out more time for my needs. It is nice to be selfish about my health instead of eating what was there or to appease someone else. I was amazed at noticing how taking the time out to eat healthy extends to other things in your life ie toxic friends/relationships that drain you.

It is sad how judgemental people are regarding weight. It can even be the difference between wearing a baggy outfit at the gym (looking bigger) as opposed to wearing gym clothes that fit (not the sexy kind:D )

[justinesmith]

I think I'll jump in here. I have lost about 60 lbs since my highest post pregnancy weight. When I was over 210 people TOTALLY ignored me. There was a circle of moms at ds's preschool who would actually turn their backs to me when I tried to approach them. The first time, I chalked it up to my imagination and low self esteem, but when it happened a 2nd and 3rd time-I knew it was for real.

I had a similar experience but it was when I was thin and the other mothers weren't (in their opinion). In fact, I did become friends with one of the mothers later and she told me that the other moms "hated" me because I was "thin and pretty" and automatically thought I was a b*tch. A friendly, smiling b*tch but a "B" none the less. She felt awful about it and that is why she told me. It DEFINATLEY goes both ways.... people will judge you no matter what your size, gender, hair color, clothing etc.... Too bad for them because we freakin' rawk! ;)

[luckitri]

I guess the most frustrating thing is when people we know do not accept us to grow and change in positive ways. Seems like I am getting that the most reading this thread. Kind of like hurting the ones you love the most. They want to keep us the way we were because they do not want to have to adjust or perhaps more sinister reasons.

[LivingRawGirl]

I have notice a big change in the dynamic of my relationship with friends and even my husband.
Many of my friends are very threatened not by me but by raw foods. I too hear apologies about what they are eating even though I never comment and certainly try not to judge their choices. My best friend was actually the worst in the beginning (even claiming raw foodism was an eating disorder), but now she is slowly coming around and even trying to add more raw foods into her diet!
My husband has been my biggest supporter and truly loves me no matter how I look. But he is very proud of me. It is hard for him sometimes, I am vastly more confident and I think that may be difficult for him to get used. But I know he loves me.
One poster mentioned women possibly being more judgmental about appearances and I have to say I agree that some women are. I believe it is because of all the hang ups "we" have.
Oddly enough, I do have old friends that I've known for 5+ years who look at my before photos and swear that they never saw me when I looked like that. Well of course they have, that was only less than 2 years ago. I believe people see want they want to see, and if their heart is truly open to the real you they will see a beautiful person. Once the weight is gone they will see a happier more confident, calmer glowing person.
So I guess I am saying that it depends on the person who is looking at you. If they are happy and confident it will not matter how much weight you lose, they will still love you and treat you the same.