having sympathy for SADders?

[Zaphirah]

I am going to apologize if this sounds cruel. i need some insight for a better perspective. Dh has almost the worst diet a person could have. He drinks a CAN of powered iced tea in less than a week. When he is hungry he buys an extra large Blue slushy and 2 candy bars. He eats McDonalds on the way home from work at 4 pm and then skips my supper, then eats a bowl of ice cream before bed. He eats only a few-cooked-veggies a week.I never say much. anyway-we both caught this cold. Yes, I am sick, but I am not dying. I'm a little congested, but I feel strong. Then there's dh. He's so sick from it. He's wanting me to pamper him (with RAMEN!!!) and hold him and stroke his hair and rub his back and the whole nine yards. (I refused to make the ramen, but I made him an OJ and banana smoothie instead. He cooked the ramen himself. ) But, bad wifey that I am, I have very little sympathy for him. I'm really really trying-but he's home from work today-and wants me to take care of him. He does have a high-ish fever-proababy 101-102. He IS sick-but it's his own fault!!!! My mom has my 4 yo dd for the day, so instead of taking care of her, I'll be taking care of him. As you can see I'm pretty resentful about this. I NEVER get time to myself. Last week when mom took dd my son dropped a 9# bucket on his foot and we spent the day in the ER.

Tell me how to be kind to people when they really deserve the "I-told-you-so" speech. I want to be a good example, but I am super inconvenienced by HIS health choices.

[freebird]

I guess the only thing you can do is continue to eat well and nourish yourself and be an example of health. Maybe the penny will drop. I really feel for you. It's arduous taking care of people when you're unwell and already the primary caregiver of the family. Maybe later today when he's passed out in a cooked food coma you can take some time out for yourself and meditate on all the positive things you've done for yourself or treat yourself to a bubble bath? I hope your day gets better and you DH sees the light soon. xoxoxox
PS. You are a wonderful wife! His perspective hasn't been broadened yet, so don't think less of yourself.

[Revvell]

Question for you... If he died today, how would you feel? Relieved or... ??

My husband's choices are not my choices.... and we don't have children so, it's easier for us yet, it seems to me you two need to have a conversation. IF he chooses not to converse then, without anger and resentment, tell him how you are feeling, that you will help him YOUR way (hot lemon/honey as an alternative? Pick up some dvd's so he can watch them, sleep, whatever and you can be alone?)... if he's not up for that, you might wish to consider other alternatives.

Resentment and love don't share the same space at the same time.

Revvell

[Zaphirah]

well put, as always revvell. thank you. (zaphirah hides head in shame :o )

[Revvell]

well put, as always revvell. thank you. (zaphirah hides head in shame :o )

No shame hun. I'm on the outside of this so I'll see it differently than someone in the midst. When I'm in the midst I look outside for help as you did. Mine is just an alternative view/understanding. I hope y'all get it straightened out so you can get into and through this.

Revvell

[GlimR]

Zaphirah~

It is hard when you are not feeling well and craving alone time. I guess my view on the whole sad choice is that each of us is in a different place in our walk thru life. You yourself were probably not always in the enlightened place you are in now in regards to a raw and healthy lifestyle. He is not there yet.
Change comes with time when you least expect it.

Lead by loving and patient example without judgment if you can. It will be a lesson for him and certainly one for you.

[shine72]

Here, my take, and you can take it or leave it, no harm-no foul. Unfortunately, we cannot force others to walk this path we're on. We can only walk it ourselves. And it's very difficult to watch our loved ones walk a different path that leads to self distruction. I've always been a compassionate person, overly so. But since being raw, I've found myself having to search my heart even deeper for MORE compassion regarding those I love who are "doing this to themselves." Yes, they are, but it's NOT my job to convert them. I walk my walk, and I've been a shining example to those I come into contact with. That's all I can do. The rest is up to them.

I wouldn't force him to do the whole sick/recovery thing your way. Part of getting well is the mind. If he's miserable because you're making him do things your way, I'm thinking that may impede things, no matter how good the remedy?

My husband wasn't supportive the first time I tried raw. And I was upset, but it was my problem, not his. This time around, I shut my mouth, and just did it and was having spectacular results and was a MUCH better person to be around. He came around after time due to my example, not my words.

HTH!:D

[Zaphirah]

yes shine-that DOES help! :D Yes, the first time I went raw dh wasn't very supportive. Now this time, I have barely said a WORD about it, only to report *my* progress (like the 11 lbs I have lost in 19 days! YIPPEE!). He isn't open to being raw, but maybe over time, he will be. This is no longer a diet for me. This is how I choose to LIVE. Before when I tried it I was unsure if it was just a fad or not, etc. But over the last 18 months I have gained much more insight and information to know this isn't a short term diet it is a lifestyle. I wrote more about my feelings in my RFT blog-but I think there is a lot of fear around his health and him dying prematurely. He has several health issues, including HBP dx'd at just TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF AGE!!! I joke with him that I don't want him to be my FIRST husband, I want him to be my ONLY. So, I think this may be much more than just a cold. I think this cold has brought out a lot of my fears regarding his health and raising 4 dc (2 w/special needs) on my own.

Thilly widdle Zaphirah, eh?

[Dj 247]

Have you heard of the old saying, "You catch more flies with honey"? Well, that is how I brought my husband around to eating better. I started eating more healthy then I went to a mostly a raw food diet. I brought my husband around by telling him how much I worry about his health and love him and want him around always. I know it sounds kind of sappy, but it worked after a while. He is eating whole wheat bread, more salads, less out to eat foods, and more fruit. This is a meat, potato, fast food, and white bread eater. So every step he goes in the right direction is just that a step in the right direction!

[TheAvocadess]

I love what Revvell & Sunshine said... ditto. Also, you have just described why I don't think I'd ever choose to live with a mate who wasn't raw. I can't imagine spending my retirement or twilight years taking care of someone who eats SAD while I strive for health.

For me, I've been doing a little house cleaning where friends are family are concerned. One "friend" who is macrobiotic though eats meat, is often reclusive and paranoid - her latest is that she had to return her new Sony TV because the outgassing made her ill, this is an ongoing issue with her returning computers etc... because they're "toxic"- reacted completely hostile to me being raw. It was like the change in me being raw caused such a reaction! I attempted to change the subject as she launched into a tirade about me dying from lack of protein & B12. lol! :rolleyes: I simply stated I wouldn't debate, but she escalated, was getting angry, and well, long story short, I walked away. She was so hostile about it that I don't think I'll choose to associate with her.

So when it comes to others, I'm really finding out who my support system is. It sounds like there's some manipulation going on with your husband. I wouldn't enable it. He's a big boy. I like the dvd's idea and make a smootie and leave in the fridge and then care for your baby daughter who certainly needs you more than a full grown man who chooses a SAD lifestyle.

That's my 2 cents. I'm finding I'm not only detoxing slowly from cooked foods, but also from toxic friends and family members who are not supportive of my new found bliss.

Nuthins comin tween me and my raw livin foods! :D

[rawnpawgirl]

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I am going to at least put this ??? out there--- why do you HAVE to take care of him??? He is a big boy and he can take care of himself. My kids make their own beds, make their own lunches for school, fold their clothes from the laundry, put dishes in the dishwasher, etc. My DH does stuff for himself too. I have never related to the wives that iron their husbands shirts, get up to fix their lunches, etc. And I have time to myself!! Without my own time , my soul would wither- and quickly. Yes, I am there to support them all, help with homework, fix dinners, read to them, taxi driver to events...

How about if you are "Kinda" there?-- bring him some soup, show you care, but not have to be his nurse by his side all day. That kind of stuff just enables the ones we love to be "helpless" and puts more stress on us HAVING to do stuff.

Just a thought.....

[rawnpawgirl]

OOOPs I guess I was posting when Avocodess was---

by the way, good thoughts!!! ha, ha

[shine72]

yes shine-that DOES help! :D Yes, the first time I went raw dh wasn't very supportive. Now this time, I have barely said a WORD about it, only to report *my* progress (like the 11 lbs I have lost in 19 days! YIPPEE!). He isn't open to being raw, but maybe over time, he will be. This is no longer a diet for me. This is how I choose to LIVE. Before when I tried it I was unsure if it was just a fad or not, etc. But over the last 18 months I have gained much more insight and information to know this isn't a short term diet it is a lifestyle. I wrote more about my feelings in my RFT blog-but I think there is a lot of fear around his health and him dying prematurely. He has several health issues, including HBP dx'd at just TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF AGE!!! I joke with him that I don't want him to be my FIRST husband, I want him to be my ONLY. So, I think this may be much more than just a cold. I think this cold has brought out a lot of my fears regarding his health and raising 4 dc (2 w/special needs) on my own.

Thilly widdle Zaphirah, eh?

Oh honey, you're not silly at all. My dh is military, so I understand your fear. I have 3 dc, one with autism, so I know how scary it can be. And just before I went raw and dh had his physical, his bp was elevated. I started raw and he started eating more raw (he's not 100% until after retirement), it's gone down to within normal ranges.

Here's what has helped me, and hopefully it'll help you. First, make sure ya'll have some good life insurance. I'm not even being funny here. You want to make sure you're covered for you special needs children if nothing else.

The other thing is this. I don't know if you are 100% all the time or plan to be or what. I have noticed, for ME, that since being 100% raw, I really don't have that fear anymore. I love my hubby, he is my heart and soul and the best friend I've ever had. However, since raw, I have courage and clarity, and know, that even if the worse were to happen, the kids and I will actually be okay. We'll be devastated that he's gone, but our worlds/lives will not come to an end. I am a VERY capable woman, and so are you hon. Don't forget that. And one thing I've noticed, and I don't know where or when this has come into play in our society, but we women are WAY more stronger than we give ourselves credit for or even have the first clue of to know. Dont EVER forget that.

I wish your husband the best of health. And I know you do too hon. Don't beat yourself up, just love him as he is. That's the BEST thing you can do for him. No one wants to change until they feel they are loved for who they are. Even if they are the only one loving themselves that way. Your hubby may NEVER choose to go raw. But does that mean you love him any less? Or do you still love him as the love of your life and the light in your heart? Sounds to me in your post like you love him fiercely. You can do that regardless if he's raw or cooked, no?

Much love and light to you my friend!:D

[Zaphirah]

shine-I love you.:cool:

Yes-*everytime* he gets a raise, I make him max out the life ins. he works in a somewhat dangerous field (construction) and growing up my bff's dad died in a construction accident. Dh had a *VERY* close call about a year ago. 2 more seconds and he would have died. He threw his tool belt and my bro found it and was able to locate him. The new concrete stairs that were being constructed began to collapse while he was under them. He dove into a small space and bro was able to pull him out.

[shine72]

Luvs ya too!:D Glad that you're looking out for you and yours. You're being a great mom!:D