I weigh 207 lbs (warning... long)

[kmik]

I'm kind re-introducing myself since I haven't been on here in quite a while, and... I have to start over :(

Most people might say "207, who cares?" and if you knew that a couple years ago I weighed 244, you might say I was doing good.

Truth is, I did weigh 244 two years ago, then 147 last year (yup... almost 100 lbs lost!) I was proud to be a shining example of raw food enabling a person to recapture health and vitality.

What happened and why? Well, the "what" is easy. I slowly start allowing myself to eat cooked foods. It snowballed and getting back on track got harder and harder.

Why is the hard question. I don't know if I have an answer. Maybe lack of self discipline, self control. That "voice" kept getting louder and more frequent, telling me it's OK to have a little "treat." I let it start controlling me again. I was an addict before, and I'm an addict still. I was a 147 lb food addict who thought I had won the battle once and for all.

Besides gaining weight, so many of my maladies returned. A chronic cough that completely disappeared on raw, frequent upper respiratory infections, arthritis, no energy, just constantly feeling like crap. I'm ashamed of how I look, and I don't want to go out in public even. I avoid any family or social gatherings where there are people who haven't seen me since last year.

This morning I woke up with my throat practically swollen shut, it hurts to swallow, aching all over. I never got sick when I was raw! Why am I doing this to myself?

Funny thing is that within 10 minutes of waking, my mother called me, all excited about how she had just rediscovered a radio interview I had done last year, and how she found it so inspiring, so she was going to start eating more raw.

I started to cry. How did I let myself get so out of hand? And more important, how do I stop it NOW?

I decided I needed to do what worked for me before. So here I am, I feel safe here... a little embarrassed, but not judged. The support here is crucial for me. I'm going to start journaling, and putting pictures up. And hopefully relating my experiences will help keep others from going through garbage like this.

[lafsalot]

Welcome back Krista!! Looking forward to hearing more from you in the forums. ~ Cathy

[Strawberry Smoothie]

The good news is that you know what to do to get back on track. I've had many false starts myself. I'm commited this time.

Good luck to you and welcome back.

[Morn]

Thank you so much for getting real with us. I know how difficult it is to share when you are down especially after having so much success. But it is really important that we are real so others can really see who hard the path sometimes gets. Also it is important for ourselves as well. I have found that accountability and staying connected are so very important in this raw journey to health.

I know myself that your note has really encouraged me to continue to stay with this as a lifestyle. When I started raw I didn't know if it would be a permanent change but I know that if I want to stay thin I will have to continue to eat this way forever. I too struggle with eating addictions and self control issues when it comes to eating. And I also know this could be me as well writing this very same note a year from now. Thank you for opening yourself up and helping others like me to stay on the straight and narrow.

Best wishes as you continue to regain your health and pursue this lifestyle. Don't beat yourself up just continue to do what you know is best, and move forward. Sometimes we need to learn and we can't do it without making mistakes first. Take care of yourself and stay connected with us. We all need one another.

[tanishamarshall]

Welcome back Krista,

I bet you will achieve the same weight again. I think we all fall down sometimes not just once but twice, three times even at least you know that Raw works and that raw can heal your ailments. Never give up.

[LaTisha07]

Welcome back! I am new here but I can tell already that this is a great group. You control your life and your future, and I know that you will be okay. Try not to worry about what has already been done, focus more on what you are doing. We can't take back yesterday or the last meal, but we can make better choices right now. Let this be a new start for you. I wish you the best of luck!

[codajess]

I understand your feelings. Maybe not to that extreme, but when I went off raw I gained 18 pounds within a couple months to make me the heaviest i'd ever been. Now that i've been raw I can't eat like I did before raw without paying for it weightwise when before-raw I could. It really sucks, but I can't change it now. You'd think it'd be motivation I needed to get back to 100% raw, but for some reason it's not. I've just resigned to being fat (at 5'4" and almost 150 pounds, yes it's fat.) It's hard. I'm trying though. And with the success you had the first time around I bet once you get back into the swing you'll be a-ok!

[NetKaPet]

Hey Krista ... we're darn near neighbors. I've got kin in South Elgin and Geneva; I'm a bit further east.

Well, I'm sympathic to all you've said. I've completely lost count how many times I've given up coffee for long periods of time and then went back. Stuff is poison to me, yet I absolutely loved it. Same with cigarettes. Loved, loved, loved my Salem 100s. But after seven years of off-and-on quitting (even a full year once!), it finally took and that was 30 plus years ago. And the coffee, well I'm off (again!) now ever since raw began one month ago.

My suggestion is put what's in the past in the past and try not to beat yourself up so much. It's a shame that little voice (I know him well!) nagged you so, but you are in the driver's seat. That voice is a real pain in the a--! Treat him like such.

Anyway, you already did this once ... you know how it works better than anyone. You can do this Krista. I am "rooting" for you big time.

-Net

[Fancy Nancy]

Hi Krista,
I used to read the boards for a long time before starting to post and I always loved reading your posts and being inspired by your journey. Welcome back and best wishes on this leg of the journey. I know you will find what you need here with all of these wonderful people to support you and encourage you, as you have for so many others. I've found that the daily appreciations thread has been a great part of my process. Best wishes to you.
Nancy

[PammieTaj]

Well, I for one would be the last person to question anything you've said about anything you've done. I only managed raw for about a month and a half and I'm still back yet. I am however aware of what I want and need to do and I'm preparing myself and my environment for the action I'm about to take.

I've set myself a goal to start raw again on September 1st. I'm comitting to one year. Then the idea is to set a goal of another year. And you get the idea. I think a year is a good start.

Right now I'm weaning myself off the caffeinated stuff. Screaming headache anyone?

You are at an advantage to a lot of people. You know what the benefit is to you to be raw. You know what you have to look forward to as time progresses and you continue to improve your choices.

I think it's great that you are here. It takes a lot of brave to look at one's mistakes and make changes. Yay Krista!

Yay all of us!

[NetKaPet]

Krista,

I forgot to mention in my previous post about something called EFT. Have you heard of it? It stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. Here's the link (http://www.emofree.com/). I tried it and lost 20 pounds on a SAD. I also quit coffee for over a year, until the little voice convinced me to drink up again ... but I never got back into coffee like I was prior to EFT. So, you might want to take a look. It's a bit overwhelming at first (Gary Craig's site), but it's all pretty interesting. (EFT in a nutshell is getting rid of past emotional garbage to free up your strengths.) It's a great complement to RAW.

[ChaiLife]

Krista, You must be my sister. I went raw a year ago and was dropping weight so fast. I dropped 4 dress sizes and then fell of ye ole wagon. Now I am at the height of my weight and felt kind of bad about coming back. BUT, it was a learning experience and we are both back. That's really what matters. Glad you are back and on the path back to health. I would love to hear the radio program that your mom listened to. Is it available online?

Kelly *hopping back on the wagon with ya*

[honey_bee]

Krista, I have been down this road before and I could have written your post myself!

I lost a ton of weight on raw, and when I was within 10 pounds of my goal weight - a weight I thought I would NEVER attain in my life - I started bingeing on cooked food and gained half the weight back.
It made me sooo miserable! And we all know it can be difficult to get back to raw once you "fall off the wagon" and allow yourself to eat cooked / SAD food.

So what do you do now?
The thing that really helped me was doing a juice cleanse for a few days. It's hard at first, but for me it broke the pattern of physically stuffing myself with food (I happen to have a food-addiction).
Or you can try consuming mostly green smoothies for a few days and see if that helps. And certainly continue to reach out to the folks on this board when you need support...

But whatever you wind up doing to get back on track, you must remember that in life we all fall off the path sometimes. To some degree, it's normal.

But it is the excessive self-loathing, the "beating yourself up", the not caring anymore / overall lack of self-love that is NOT normal. That's what keeps us on self-destructive paths and allows us to sabotage our success.

You have to realize that YOU ARE WORTH IT. We are ALL worth it.

Go out and buy the classic book by Louise Hay, called "You Can Heal Your Life." It will help you. It's very powerful.

We also have to ask ourselves what put us on the self-destructive path in the first place. In my case, I have a binge-eating disorder and I use food to pacify my emotions - so learning to deal with my emotions has been key.

Lastly, we must remember that all is not lost - you can pick yourself up again. That's the beauty of biology, that's the beauty of life. Our bodies are amazing and they want to THRIVE.

[cashewy]

Hi Krista,

thanks for your post, i'm sorry that you are feeling so much frustration. but really it is the shame that i hear that i want to address. what we could have done, should have done....all of that is really degrading to our spirit and can really just be habitual burden and avoidance. Many years ago, when I was trapped with such thoughts, I worked out a new jedi mind trick....every time I had that mental inclination to badger myself or stew with regret, I switched the phrase in my mind to " I would like to.." it worked incredibly fast and I pretty much ended years of futile and negative self-torture


the other thing I would like to address is that there are many physiological reasons that can present as food addiction. insulin resistance is one and also the possibility of yeast/bacteria growth that spurs cravings and over-eating and will severely compromise the GI tract and immune system

regardless of what your experience tells you, the truth is you are not alone. we are interdependent as people and just as you are responsible to care for others, you deserve to have good quality caring and assistance in your life. find a good naturopath or acupuncturist who is trained to assess and assist you with these things

last thought...maybe what happened is that you stopped letting yourself enjoy life and have all of the sensations of connection and joy!! make this the priority above ALL else and take the burden off

much love to you, xox cashewy

[Coriander74]

I remember you :)

Welcome back. It's good to have you among us again. Many of us have been through just what you described... you're strong because you found your way back.

BIG hugs.

[spicyfull]

It's a Journey, So Happy you are back on Board. Just think it will be SWEETER this time because you are so much WISER now. You didn't forget RAW, you just took a detour and Now you are back on track..........Hello Again......

[Lady Green Jeans]

A very big welcome back! As others have stated, I probably could have written your email, too. Am slowly working my way back to 100%. Will not be beating myself up--will be lovingly encouraging each step in the right direction. My days now start with the famous green smoothies (a recent thread even reinforced that they make you smile--true). Am not going to be a slave to the scale, but enjoying each raw meal--one meal at a time.

Alissa's recipes are a joy to make and eat. So many favorites I have been revisiting over the last several months in my journey. Thank you so much for your post and inspiration. Looking forward to the path before us.

[OneBite@aTime]

Krista,
Hello-I wan't around for your first journey....but, I'm excited to read about your second! Good luck!
Michelle

[Portia2012]

I think all of us do that from time to time. One thing to keep in mind is that we are conditioned to the "SAD" way of life. It is extremely hard to give up meat and junk food when we have ate it for 30+ years of our life. Your body in many cases recalls the taste, which is how they get us by the way, and we slip up and give in. Admitting that you slipped among like minded people is a great step. It is what you do now that makes a difference. Every time that we choose to eat raw foods we help the environment and our bodies. This should be the main focus. It is not about when we slipped it is what we do after the slip. I look forward to seeing you around the forum.


~Portia~

[Radiantly Raw]

Krista,
Your post was inspirational. I'm on my first attempt at 100% raw. However, it took 14 months of reading, researching & learning to get here. Meanwhile, I stayed at 260 pounds or so all that time, completely addicted to the SAD foods. I could easily beat myself up about that, but I CHOOSE not to. We always have a choice! Please choose not to feel badly about your experience. As I've heard often lately: "Honor the Process". It's all a process, and this was part of yours. Be gentle to yourself about it! You deserve grace.

Best wishes as you rediscover the lifestyle that brought you health & weight loss! I'm happy to be on that journey with you, so keep us updated. I can see that the support is so important!

[Stina]

My slips aren't little. My appetite spirals out of control everytime I would eat cooked food. I've got about a month of strictly raw and continually remind myself that it is so so much easier to be 100%. I was thankful to have survived a pot luck this last weekend.

Thanks for your honesty and for the reminder of how addictive cooked food is. Have you read victoria boutenko's book 12 Steps to Raw? She really deals with that food addiction issue.

[Veganforlife]

Oh, I think of you every day! 'cuz I use my Vita-Mix and wondered how you were doing. Welcome back friend! You'll be fine.
Check me out - my before and nows (below) AND my healing - story below.

I'm holding my arms out to you! WELCOME BACK g/f!!!!!!!!!!!!

And two words:

GREEN SMOOTHIES!!!

[tisha]

I appreciate your words of wisdom. You are wise to recognize that you need to get off the path you are on. You know what works and what does not. I have not been "raw" for very long, but I have been where you are. I did a lot of learning and educating myself about food a few years ago. I learned about detox and cleansing the body. I cut out a lot of the "sad" way of eating, did several cleanses and lost about 50 pounds. Then...my parents died within two months of each other. I found comfort in food. I put almost all of the weight that I had lost back on.

It took me a while to turn around, but I have. Like you, I know what works and what does not. Here's hoping that we can support each other on this journey back to good health.

love,
tisha

[justinesmith]

KRISTA!! It's me, your friend Justine from Minnesota (well, Georgia now). It is so nice to hear from you.... I think of you often and I'm happy you are back. I wish I had some good encouraging words for you but I can't seem to even find them for myself right now. I am glad you are here though and you are an amazing person. Yipee!! My friend!! :D

[shine72]

Krista - Welcome back!

I wasn't here when you were before. But I look forward to seeing your post now!:D You CAN do this! YOU know you can!:D

[oceanee]

Reading your journey is helpful as a newcomer who made it almost 2 weeks a month ago and is trying to hop back on the raw food way of life. Thank you for your heartfelt story.

[EastCoastie]

Hi Krista (and Kelly),

Thank you both for being so real. You have inspired me to re-engage. I have been hiding from this place because of my own inertia and my weight gain.

Blessings to you both and every other rawbie here,

EC

[Raw Jewelrylady]

Krista, I bet if you took a poll & folks answered HONESTLY they would tell you that they too have yo yo'd with Raw. I know I have & to be quite honest I take it one day & one meal at a time.

Don't beat yourself up, just know that reaching out is the first step to moving forward. You will be fine. Just start with what feels right for you & everything will work out.

Focus on all the positives you have & you'll be RAWKIN in no time.:)

Glad to see you back.:)

Lana

[kmik]

Thank you all SOOO MUCH!!!!! All the suggestions, encouragement, support and love makes me so glad I got the courage to come back and admit that I needed your help.

To my old friends, I'm glad you're here, and I can't wait to catch up with you, and to my new friends, I look forward to sharing with you.

Got through two days so far, no problems... made a double batch of Alissa's carrot pecan burgers, and they're almost all gone already!

Thanks again everyone! :D :D :D

[eachpeachpearplum]

Hey a BIG welcome back!

I too fell off the wagon big time and am now back - although I kept the kids raw. It's noice to see another familliar face too! I just posted lots of pictures so I hope they help to inspire.

I dont know if it will help but I just finished reading V. Boutencos book 12 steps to raw and it was revolutionary. She wrote it some time ago but has just revised it so if you do get it make sure its the new one. I have been on/off raw for two years now and this book was a real eye opener - not just for newbies at all!

Thank you so much for opening your heart to us. This site has alsys been such a great support.

BIG (((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))HUGSEPPP

[StarFire]

Aloha and Welcome to RFT!! RAWK ON!! So glad you are joining us!!! blessings on your journey!!

http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s43/FireStar_830/welcome.gif