binging and purging :-(

[britaniefaith]

No more DATES for the rest of my 30 days Raw. I've had problems with binging and purging for the past year (due to such food restrictions) I find that certain foods set my off into a 'binging mode' and I can't stop myself. I think it has alot to do with being deprived from so many foods for so many years so when I finally get something that tastes SO good, it's almost as though my body can't stop and then 99% of the time, I end up vomiting. I've never done it on an every day cycle but it's been 1-2 times every 3 weeks and that's still very unhealthy. For me, since going Raw, I've found that Dates REALLY set my off (as do alot of dried fruits such as papaya which I will also be cutting out)... I'm not sure why but when I mix the dates with cocoa nibs or almonds and then put the mixture into the freezer to just have a piece for desert, it NEVER works. I end up going back and fourth to the freezer getting more and more and I can't stop myself. So I'm going to put a stop to them for the next 21 days and see if I feel any better. They also cause alot of bloating for me and sometimes cramping if I have too many which I always seem to do. Maybe after awhile of not having them and having my body detox more from eating Raw, I will eventually be able to add them back in gradually and be able to control myself more.

I just wanted to share this with all of you so that I can give someone my word that I will not vomit or binge myself sick anymore. I want to start on a healthy road to recovery and binging and purging is certainly not something that is going to put me on a healthy path.

Thanks for everyones kind words of encouragment since going Raw, it's helped me more than you know!!

xo

[eatyourbroccoli]

be careful with restricting, though

thats always the 3rd step in the binge/purge cycle

why not just let yourself eat them? theyre raw. youll balance out. youll come to find eventually you dont even crave them anymore.

i had the same issue when i first went raw. it lasted about 4 months..where i ate about 30-40 dates a day sometimes.

now..i havent had a date in months.

try focusing on your health and not weight. really..your body WILL balance. ive gone from 147 at 5'10 to 130ish without having to restrict anything. it took about a year..but im stable here. and the weights never comin back.

[britaniefaith]

be careful with restricting, though

thats always the 3rd step in the binge/purge cycle

why not just let yourself eat them? theyre raw. youll balance out. youll come to find eventually you dont even crave them anymore.

i had the same issue when i first went raw. it lasted about 4 months..where i ate about 30-40 dates a day sometimes.

now..i havent had a date in months.

try focusing on your health and not weight. really..your body WILL balance. ive gone from 147 at 5'10 to 130ish without having to restrict anything. it took about a year..but im stable here. and the weights never comin back.

The problem is that this morning I allowed myself to have as many as I wanted and ended up making a mixture out of an entire box of dates, cocoa nibs and almonds, ended up eating the WHOLE thing and then vomiting because I felt so sick, my stomach was cramping and I was incredibly bloated. SO honestly, I'm not sure that I CAN control myself. Maybe if someone left me 3-4 dates in the house and THAT'S IT, then I'd be fine but if I have them sitting in my kitchen, I will eat them. :( They have some kind of evil control over me... I dont know what it is... lol...

[britaniefaith]

....also I find that my binging usually starts in the MORNINGS. I wake up around 5:30-6 am everyday and I am STARVING... so since going Raw I have been just eating fruits because that's what everyone seems to say to have but whenever I do, I never ever feel satisfied and I end up looking for something else to eat and that's when the binge/purge cycle begins...

[pinkrosebud]

When you wake up starving try having a green smoothy packed with tons of greens and maybe some fat to help feel satisfied. If green smoothies tend to not appeal to you at that time of the day opt for spinach in the smoothy add whatever sounds good on top of that. If I really want to be indulgent with my green smoothies I will do coconut, banana and chocolate with greens and then maybe some sweetness if it is not quite perfect. This diet is wonderful but not about restrictions. However I totally understand where you are coming from. I am also a binge eater. Mine is in the evenings and has been considerably worse in the last two weeks but I know it will pass. I am just figuring things out with my body and this diet. I have struggled with weight all my life and finally found a way of living that feels right to me. So I suspect I will find a balance with my food as well. Also, don't step on the scale! Put it away for a month then check when you feel you are ready. I have been 100% raw for over 40 days so I am very new but for the entire month of June the scale is hidden because I get too obsessed. Lots of love and laughter to you. Remember it is the journey not the destination that is most important. You will get there and so will I .

[LoveLife]

BF have u tried to look at the amount of calories u're eating?..only becuz u say that u eat fruit mostly and then are starving so u start binging..sounds like u aren't eating enough..u should be eating veggies too..I have done the same thing b4 where I let myself get too hungry then ate WAAAAYYY too many nuts...and I felt ill afterwards..but I have never made myself throwup I just let it pass eventually..have u tried some smoothies..green or just fruit?..they really seem to help me a lot..u can put a lot of calories in them..yet it doesn't feel like as much food:) ...I have an earlier thread I started about them..mattm gave an excellent description of his smoothies..and he's been on an all smoothie diet since Dec...well good luck..and I hope u figure it all out..

Here's the smoothie link..
http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/showthread.php?t=27646

[lavendarJ]

Great words pinkrosebud

Just letting you know that I'm rooting for you britaniefaith! I just know you will find your balance

[Rawkinlocs]

Wow, Britanie I didn't know you had ED issues.

Well, firstly darling, if you can, try to stop allowing everyone to "should" on you - "You should eat fruit in the A.M."; "You should stop eating at 7 p.m."; "You should look a certain way", etc.

It all goes back to what I said before about trying to follow all these "rules". You said that because people said you "should" eat fruit in the morning but that doesn't satiate you, you start looking for other things and then you start the binge/purge cycle...so does this mean that if someone told you that you don't HAVE to only eat fruit in the morning...that if you want that piece of raw dessert or a salad or some raw oatmeal or that last couple of slices of raw pizza for breakfast that you CAN have it...would that help or is this really a deeper-lying issue that no matter what anyone said you could or could not eat, it would still happen? I don't know much about ED's so I really can't help you there; but if this is REALLY about feeling deprived because of what someone "shoulded" on you and is telling you that you "should" eat (or not eat) then honey, please just heed Alissa's advice and just eat raw! You're a beautiful young lady and you are NOT FAT and you are not going to become obese by eating raw foods. There seems to be a LOT of healing that needs to take place within, but you've got to allow it to happen.

I know there are quite a few on here with ED issues and perhaps yall need to ban together and maybe even start a little side-group for overcoming them while maintaning a raw lifestyle or something so you can support one another and it would probably be best "led" by someone who HAS overcome their ED.

I hope things get better for you, really, I do!

[hypnocmt]

I abused laxatives and alternated between stages of binging and then starving myself and taking stimulants to quell hunger...from the time I was in grade school until a few years ago.

Yes...keep temptation out of the house until you deal with the issues underlying your relationship to food.

First and foremost, get help in dealng with your relationship with YOURSELF. Every other malady you experience is a metaphor for your inner relationship with Self. It's like the tap root of all your emotional weeds. So figure that out and all of life will start to shift in a more balanced direction.

If you try to fight your compulsion on the surface, you will get a superficial result which is hard to keep up b/c that old stuff underneath will disappear for a little while and then bubble up to the surface...maybe in the same form, maybe in a new way.

All in all...go deep when you take care of YOU!

BTW-
I recongnized my lack of restraint at one point when I was first out of my parents' house, living alone, constantly worried about $$ and feeling pretty alone. I got past some food hurdles in a funny way. I recall wanting pie every once in awhile. I would drive to the Bakers' Square and buy a whole pie and bring it to my car. I would eat a bite or two as I drove home...and then realize with horror that if I brought it in the house, I was gonna pig out. So a mile or two from home, I would throw the almost-whole pie out of my moving car like a frisbee. Is that messed up or what? Thank god those days are long behind me, ha ha.

[RawVee]

Rawkinlocs, you said it perfectly.

BF, even if you don't consider yourself someone with an ED, perhaps now is a good time for you to find a local group that you can join, or a nutritional counselor who can help you out. Healing your body is only part of the journey--our minds must be healthy, too. From a lot of your posts I'm seeing signs of eating disorder--you're watching your numbers and getting very anxious about them, you're reporting binge behavior, etc. I have two very close friends who went through eating disorders. The first step seems to be taking accountability for how you're treating yourself. The thing about eating raw is that you cannot go down a bad road--you're putting good things in your body, and your body will respond in kind.

Another thing to remember is that our minds have a GREAT deal of power over our bodies. If you're constantly thinking "Oh, this is going to make me get fat," or "I'm such a pig for eating all these dates," what do you think that's doing to your body? Start giving yourself positive affirmations, girl!! Start loving yourself for the work you've done and how incredible you look. Don't rely on all of us to tell you that you're gorgeous--KNOW that you are and just be happy!! When you tell yourself every day that you're on a healthy road and you feel and look good, saying the words isn't enough. FEEL them, and feel the emotion behind them. You are worth it!

Hugs,
V

[Sunshine9]

Hi Britanie :)

Thanks for sharing this with us.... I just want to throw this out there, because I was reading about it recently. I know you said in another post that you were considering going on an anti-fungal.. correct? Well bingeing and purging is often related to YEAST issues, where you really are out of control.. i've been there. And that fact that dates & dried fruit set you off, and that you don't feel full after fruit for breakfast.. that all makes sense.

I know i have binge triggers too, and while I don't purge, it feels awful. I would say if it's a trigger let it go!! If you want to e-mail me or talk more about this i'd be happy to, because it's something i've dealt with as well.

Love,
Sunshine

[britaniefaith]

Hi Britanie :)

Thanks for sharing this with us.... I just want to throw this out there, because I was reading about it recently. I know you said in another post that you were considering going on an anti-fungal.. correct? Well bingeing and purging is often related to YEAST issues, where you really are out of control.. i've been there. And that fact that dates & dried fruit set you off, and that you don't feel full after fruit for breakfast.. that all makes sense.

I know i have binge triggers too, and while I don't purge, it feels awful. I would say if it's a trigger let it go!! If you want to e-mail me or talk more about this i'd be happy to, because it's something i've dealt with as well.

Love,
Sunshine

THank you so much... and WOW I had NO idea that binging and purging is related to yeast issues. That makes so much sense why I crave dried fruits so badly and go out of control when I eat them. I decided not to go on the anti-fungal and instead I am trying a herbal supplement that is suppose to help with yeast and bacterias, etc so I am really hoping that it will help with my candida because I dont want to keep going on medications, they only help the problem for awhile and then it comes back again. :(

[eatyourbroccoli]

Hi Britanie :)

Thanks for sharing this with us.... I just want to throw this out there, because I was reading about it recently. I know you said in another post that you were considering going on an anti-fungal.. correct? Well bingeing and purging is often related to YEAST issues, where you really are out of control.. i've been there. And that fact that dates & dried fruit set you off, and that you don't feel full after fruit for breakfast.. that all makes sense.

I know i have binge triggers too, and while I don't purge, it feels awful. I would say if it's a trigger let it go!! If you want to e-mail me or talk more about this i'd be happy to, because it's something i've dealt with as well.

Love,
Sunshine

oh yea this makes complete sense. i forgot about that.

ive had little problem with binging/purging (exercise bulimia, not throwing up) since addressing my candida issue...and i used to eat probably an entire box of cookies nightly (before raw) or an entire box of donuts or an entire thing of whatever full of sugar...uncontrollably. PER NIGHT. for about a year. my god it was out of control. when i first went raw i turned to dates. duh. makes complete sense.

now..im pretty good, actually. and i know youll be able to reach this stage too. raw is healing

[britaniefaith]

oh yea this makes complete sense. i forgot about that.

ive had little problem with binging/purging (exercise bulimia, not throwing up) since addressing my candida issue...and i used to eat probably an entire box of cookies nightly (before raw) or an entire box of donuts or an entire thing of whatever full of sugar...uncontrollably. PER NIGHT. for about a year. my god it was out of control. when i first went raw i turned to dates. duh. makes complete sense.

now..im pretty good, actually. and i know youll be able to reach this stage too. raw is healing

THank you! I feel hopeful!!!! Was going 100% raw what cured your candida? did you do anything else? and has it come back for you at all??

[RawGoddess13]

I know there are quite a few on here with ED issues and perhaps yall need to ban together and maybe even start a little side-group for overcoming them while maintaning a raw lifestyle or something so you can support one another and it would probably be best "led" by someone who HAS overcome their ED.

That is a really good idea, I would love to start a mini group for raw raws overcoming ED!!! Maybe it could be off RFT like the raw exercise & raw kids sections. Rawkinlocs how do we start one? Who wants to run it?
Brit- I feel you with the binging, I do the same thing with cashews or any sweets with cashew butter in them. I keep saying "I am never eating cashews or cashew butters again!" Then I go a couple days without them and want them back hoping that if I add them back I can be normal with them and only have a little bit per day and not binge and get sick. When I eat too many I get sick, bloated, slow, depressed, & upset. I seriously don't know how to have normal amounts of them per day. It is either all or nothing and I hate this. I know I will get sick before hand but I still binge on cashews anyway, it is a stupid cycle that I can hopefully break! I don't know what to do. I always start with a small portion of cashews or cashew butter sweets (sometimes a little of both) telling myself I can have whatever I want in moderation and I can even have more in a couple hours. But then I instantly go back for more having one large binge per day and then not eating for the rest of the day b/c I am sick and swear them off again. My raw eating isn't normal, but I hope to get there someday.

[Rawkinlocs]

That is a really good idea, I would love to start a mini group for raw raws overcoming ED!!! Maybe it could be off RFT like the raw exercise & raw kids sections. Rawkinlocs how do we start one? Who wants to run it?
Brit- I feel you with the binging, I do the same thing with cashews or any sweets with cashew butter in them. I keep saying "I am never eating cashews or cashew butters again!" Then I go a couple days without them and want them back hoping that if I add them back I can be normal with them and only have a little bit per day and not binge and get sick. When I eat too many I get sick, bloated, slow, depressed, & upset. I seriously don't know how to have normal amounts of them per day. It is either all or nothing and I hate this. I know I will get sick before hand but I still binge on cashews anyway, it is a stupid cycle that I can hopefully break! I don't know what to do. I always start with a small portion of cashews or cashew butter sweets (sometimes a little of both) telling myself I can have whatever I want in moderation and I can even have more in a couple hours. But then I instantly go back for more having one large binge per day and then not eating for the rest of the day b/c I am sick and swear them off again. My raw eating isn't normal, but I hope to get there someday.

Putting it here is not up to me...I was suggesting perhaps a Yahoo group or something like that. To have a separate forum for it here you'd have to check with Alissa.

[Zella Juice]

binge on green smoothies :p

eat 100% raw...all the time. you wont want to purge after your body is more balanced. i used to purge...now it's cooked food that makes me sick and want to purge. as long as I am raw...I feel good and my stomach doesn't get upset. try it...just try it. If you are not 100% raw there will be foods that upset your stomach. Remember...dates and nuts from the store are NOT usually raw..even if they say they are. Contact the supplier and make sure they are not heated over 115 degrees. If those enzymes aren't there...they could sit in your tummy for too long causing too much acidity and make you nautious.

and take our advise for crying out loud. it seems like you might not be listening...like your inner voice is louder than us. If you can't listen to us and try it out...I would suggest therapy.

[eatyourbroccoli]

THank you! I feel hopeful!!!! Was going 100% raw what cured your candida? did you do anything else? and has it come back for you at all??

colonics and probiotics (the soy version of the Bio-K brand..not raw, but things for medicinal use i personally dont always use raw) are what have really turned me around. and a couple tablespoons of coconut oil (anti-fungal) each day im sure helps too.

ive found that avoiding mixing sugars with fat works best for me. but for you id suggest not worrying about that right now and maybe pursuing it from the direction of a good probiotic, some coconut oil, and maybe looking into colonics...any form of restriction right now may not be the best for your emotional well being. it took me a solid year of raw before i was able to cut out sugar for 6 weeks. and my god did that suck. (but you could just cut out fat and do all sugar. in retrospect, i probably should have done that. but again..i wouldnt worry about this until youre further down your raw path)

[eatyourbroccoli]

also..if you feel you need support outside of this forum, feel free to add me on myspace (send me a message and ill add you..i have it so people have to know my last name to add me). from reading your different threads and stuff, it seems weve been down VERY similar roads.

[dreamrawalwz]

I'd like to add that you have my support. I have struggled with anorexia and builimia for the past 8 years so I know a bit of what you're going through. If I were you, for the time being, I'd stop buying the dates and things your b/p on. I was doing the same with dates actually. For me if was more cooked food that I b/ped on and dates aren't necessarily raw so the conclusion I made was that they were cooked and thats why I was craving them. If you'd like to talk more you can always email me. In your earlier posts honestly, I could see you had an ED or at least the beginning of one :( I just wish the best for you.

[Zuri]

Great advice Rawkinlocs. Hang in there brit.

[Liserpiece]

I would so be into a discussion group focusing on EDs! I turned to Raw to help myself overcome mine, knowing that I was hurting myself. As I read these threads I see a common theme, sooooo many of us are dealing with weight issues, body image and self acceptance. I am always looking for those threads, hoping to find some one like myself. I know that some might say EDs are a separate issue, that maybe we should find another site to search for help/guidance/support. But I see so many threads HERE. I also think that Raw is a solution for what many of us deal with concerning EDs. Since going Raw I am doing sooooo much better. For the first time I feel hopeful, this is after years of fighting food and my body, self loathing, secrets, saddness and disappointment. As I finish up my week three at 100% raw, there is a voice in my mind saying "This is saving your life". Whan I read your threads, Britany, and all those who have shared their experiences, I feel my own frustrations too. But, sometimes when I read these things, I have an idea or something that has worked for me. And sometimes it's just easier to be kind and encouraging to some one other than yourself and that still is a good thing. I think it's common to want to loose a lot of weight on Raw and there seems to be many people dealing with that (I love to see their progress!), and it's wonderful for them. But for some, going Raw means something else... different emotions, hurdles, myths to overcome, thoughts on food.
Count me in if we could do it! Thanks for the sugestion Rawgoddess!
Elissa

[hypnocmt]

I set up a message board for this some months ago and then got too busy to spread word/wasn't sure if anyone would be interested. I'll find the link and post it here if y'all wanna get it started

I facilitate a small support group workshop thing in Chicago too, so would be happy to share what our group has learned too.

It has been very helpful to me and everyone else, so I hope it mightl help you all too.

[hypnocmt]

here's a link to the free discussion board I set up

http://p071.ezboard.com/bmettaone

I'll get it started with a couple of topics and I hope you guys will chime in.

I will be monitoring closely to keep it a safe enviro for anyone truly seeking support.

[muse]

Thanks for setting up the ED group!

I've read so many stories of people when they are early into raw (and that can be early as in months, b/c they have eaten SAD for years), fighting the urge to binge on foods, particularly dried foods and nuts. When they hear, 'just stay raw, it will work itself through', they justify bingeing because 'at least it's all raw'. (not addressing the whole, 'are dates raw' issue)

So, one can def gain weight whilst eating raw. It does work itself through, but trying to deal with the anxiety about gaining weight on top of trying so very hard to stay raw is a lot to ask of some people, imo. Not that anyone here is telling you what to do Brittany Faith, just saying, it is a lot to ask.

But then, ime, no therapist is gonna get it if you seek professional help for a classic ED. Eating raw is going to absolutely look like ED behaviours to any therapist. 'Avoiding entire food groups', 'spending a lot of time reading about food', 'avoiding eating foods in social situations', 'seems to regard foods as 'bad' and 'good', 'worries about not having 'my food' when away from home', etc, etc. It's all there in raw eating and I wouldn't begin to try to convince an ED therapist that raw doesn't equate with an eating disorder.

If you present your symptoms to a therapist, like bingeing, purging, then they will try to steer you towards 'balanced' eating which means eating 'healthy'.

[simply_michelle]

i do believe that eating raw, that detoxing, that listening to my body and only eating when i can feel ACTUAL hunger is going to help me overcome my food addictions. i have just read too much evidence on many sites that say this to be true.

i agree, this way of eating and taking care of myself is going to save and elongate my life!

[barose]

I've been in denial of my "light" (more denial?) ED (purging) for years and recently came to terms with it. It’s been less and less frequent over the past few years but I still have my moments. It’s been even less since going raw thankfully. I guess I've been enabled in a way because no one in my circle knows about it or notices and that "Black girls don’t get ED" :rolleyes:

For me, I have trouble when I eat something that isn’t good for me, in the past, it would be fast food or something like it. I would even plan on purging before eating. I just wanted to get my “fix”. After I divorced and ended another relationship and started living on my own again for a while, I was freer to do what I pleased.

Thankfully, being raw has kept me from that pattern, though I do obsess about food. It seems the more I like something the more I feel there is something wrong. When I have a galla melon for instance, I am in heaven because its so go and I feel guilty. Like I should not have eaten it. :rolleyes: Right now, I ate an avocado with Celtic salt and I felt I did something bad. Like I should have had a green smoothie or something like that...

I just hope I dont revert to purging again.

[barose]

here's a link to the free discussion board I set up

http://p071.ezboard.com/bmettaone

I'll get it started with a couple of topics and I hope you guys will chime in.

I will be monitoring closely to keep it a safe enviro for anyone truly seeking support.

Thanks for this!
I will register a little later...

[Rawkinlocs]

Wow...I had no idea so many go through this! I wanted to ask a quick question, if I may...does purging always have to do with the desire to not gain weight?

My reason for asking is, I have a friend who I met back in the 90's through church and I used to do her hair. She's an older woman, probably about 15-20 years my senior and she's a very thin woman. One day when I was doing her hair, she told me that once we were done she was probably gonna go to a fast food place and get something to eat and then she said she was gonna have to go home and head straight for the bathroom. I asked her, "Oh..so when you eat that it just runs right through you huh?" and she said, "No...I have to..." and then motioned her hands/arms in such a manner to indicate she meant to throw up. So I asked her why and she said, "Sis. King, I have to cause it upsets my stomach when I eat."

Back then, I hadn't heard much about ED's so I didn't even associate what she was going through with an ED or the term "purging". I thought it strange, but didn't really think much of it - just that she eats certain foods and then she feels sick so she throws it up.

But after being on RFT and reading about people who are going through or have gone through this, my mind went back to that conversation and THEN, I began to think about how she looks. As I said, she is very thin, but also, her face is very sunken in especially around the eyes...it's dark around her eyes and they are sunken in to the point of almost looking skeletal. :(

I don't even know if I could or SHOULD ever approach her about this now that I've kinda figured in my own mind that she may have an ED or that she definitely DOES have an ED...but I just wondered. I don't know if she has a thing about her weight or not...if she does or has, she's never discussed it with me. Just wondering...

[RawNubian]

I guess I've been enabled in a way because no one in my circle knows about it or notices and that "Black girls don’t get ED" :rolleyes:



Not trying to hijack the thread but wow barose, I can relate to this. My friends and acquaintances look at me like I am nuts when I say I still have more weight to lose. I know many assume that black girls don't have ED/body issues and all aspire to look like thick video models. I have never purged BUT I have abused laxatives, fasted for weight loss and I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I have some degree of body dysmorphia.:(
I realized this when I tried on a pair of jeans in a store that were a size 6 and when they fit perfectly, I REFUSED to believe it. So today I HAD to go to another store and try on ANOTHER pair of jeans in a size 6 and needed confirmation from the dressing room attendants that they actual fit okay and weren't too tight. I guess it sounds kind of funny but then again it also sounds nuts. People comment on how much I have lost and how different I look but I just can't see it. I still feel "BIG". So now I feel like "well if this is what a size 6 looks like, then I need to be a 4". It's a vicious cycle.
I also feel guilty when I eat certain raw things like dates, almond butter, certain raw desserts.

[lydias]

I am new at figuring this out but I had serious hunger problems until I did green smoothies. And I change them up all the time. I know you are suppose to eat them fresh but I bring about a gallon with me to work in little jars. Its only been a couple of weeks but the green smoothies make me happy and no bad cravings. It just lessened more and more. I sometimes do like fruit first or watermelon juice but I go by what my body tells me. Also, lemon water helps first thing in the morning.

The other thing is for me, dates seriously mess with my blood sugar. When my blood sugar is off I often binge so maybe that contributes to your problem. I do dates every once in a while as a treat.

yeah, and I agree with the rest. Too many rules make you crazy.

[hypnocmt]

OK-

I got the other board going and hope to see you all post your stories and intros.

As for the comments about black girls and ED's...that is beyond interesting. Form what I have seen in the entertainment industry ( I used to do alot of photo work with a hip hop record company) things go to extremes quite often. there is an obvious problem with the availability of good produce here iN Chicago's traditionally black neighborhoods. Many are stuck getting their food from gas station convenience stores and fast food. Plus, my southern mom has familiarized me with the perils of the typical diet emplyed by those of us with origins in the rural south...who knew you needed gravy on a hamburger patty? Only my mom and her pals from Arkansas i think! lol.

Then on the other hand, it's almost like some women rebel against that in an extreme way, and without good resources in nutrition/education, or just physcial availability of whole food sources, they have to starve themselves...or eat up to be sociable with their pals and fam, but then go home and purge. Probably, the purging whether with laxative or vomiting- is accompanied by a good deal of self-reproach. For me it alternated between hating myself for eating "bad" stuff and then telling myself I was a freak for purging it. Vicious stuff!

In the black community, at least in the "hip hop" community I worked in, women are such commodities, I am not suprised that this issue is gettingmore attention. What about the young girls who are conditioned by the modern media? At least when I grew up in the 70's and 80's we had the Jeffersons and the Cosby's showing us minorities could just be whomever they wanted, mix it up with everyone, and do their own thing. Nowadays it's so stereotypical "be a diva" "be a pop star" or "be a big thick woman" and most insidiously "this is what a back woman is..." Why can't it just BE about being YOU? Interesting that in the old days, Rev Jesse Jackson called Time Mag out for referring to him as a black leader. HE just wanted to be a leader period. Maybe our minority women would get more support in being individuals if there wasn't some preconceived notion of who a "strong black woman" is supposed to be.

I would love to see some black Vargas-style pinup girls, as well as Billy Holiday thick girls and Josephine Baker slim girls. Why can't the beauty standard be all-encompassing and just be about VITALITY??

And then if you do have an ED it's not even addressed, know? Two girls I have worked with get a "just get you some beans and rice" from their family when they bring up the subject. They feel fat if they live up the thick ideal in their home..b/c their producer wants them thin. Yet then, their own community makes fun of them for being "skinny chicken-legged" things. Mixed signals like that do not help them to feel "ok" about themselves, They feel like they are defective no matter what and that is a shame b/c they are just the most talented, sweet, GORGEOUS girls you will EVER meet.

Anyway, I guess this goes on all over. Its just doubly unfortunate that there is not more support and awareness in the black community. I guess ED's are seen and sterotyped (erroneously) as the plague of upper middle class or "rich white girls."


PS_ Hope I ain't talking outta school here. All is meant with sincere concern and kind intent.

[barose]

Rawkinlocs - For me it was the fear of gaining weight and sometimes feeling crapy, especially when I would eat a lot -not necessarily binging, but just eating too much - or eat a heavy meal too close to bed. Other times, I did it to avoid the tummy bulge. Regardless of my efforts, I was still overweight. Not obese, but being a size 14...16 was very uncomfortable.

RawNubian - I did the same thing when I first lost weight. I would automatically go to the "large" clothes on the rack, not even considering I could be a medium or even a small. Many times I brought pants that were too big, even after trying them on-only to have to return them or get them taken in.

I'm a size 8 now too (down from a 10 pre-raw) on a large frame and I think I can stand to go down to a 4/6 and people think I'm crazy too.

[hypnocmt]

Barose

You look awesome and healthy as you are...but if you get down to a 6, I could still see you looking healthy and strong. As long as you feel that way, and you're enjoying your food not fighting with it, it's all very cool in my oppinion.

Also, since you have hormonal issues I wouldn't be surprised if leaning out hardcore and reducing a little intramuscular fat or stress weight helped you feel more balanced.

Either way, your proportions look very balanced as they are and you look solid/toned, like you carry some good muscle, so you can probably afford a solid 10-15 pounds over what an average less muscular girl carries

[barose]

Thanks hypnocmt. I'm actually over 150 lbs at the size I am now (recently stepped on a scale :o ) plus I lost inches since my "during" picture was taken since going raw. I've had doctors and massage therapists comment on my build - in a good way. When I flex, it’s actually quite scary (to me!) I think the muscles are largely genetic. I also have the tendency towards an apple shape. A muscular apple. :rolleyes:

[Amanda20]

The problem is that this morning I allowed myself to have as many as I wanted and ended up making a mixture out of an entire box of dates, cocoa nibs and almonds, ended up eating the WHOLE thing and then vomiting because I felt so sick, my stomach was cramping and I was incredibly bloated. SO honestly, I'm not sure that I CAN control myself. Maybe if someone left me 3-4 dates in the house and THAT'S IT, then I'd be fine but if I have them sitting in my kitchen, I will eat them. :( They have some kind of evil control over me... I dont know what it is... lol...

There's a grocery store near me that sells dates in bulk,...maybe you could look into that, that way you COULD get 3 or 4 at a time:) Good luck!

[dreamrawalwz]

Wow...I had no idea so many go through this! I wanted to ask a quick question, if I may...does purging always have to do with the desire to not gain weight?

No. Most ED's actually have nothing to do with weight deep down. Weight is only the "control" aspect out of a life that has no control (or so it seems). For me personally, the binging was a way to stuff and ignore all my feelings of guilt, shame, saddness, anger, depression, anything to numb myself and distract myself from the real world and even my past (sexual, mental, physical, and emotional abuse and other things). Purging for me is/was not to get rid of the food per say for weight reasons, but rather emotions. It's a complete release from all the emotions I just stuffed inside. It also gave/gives me a high and I feel relaxed (messed up, i know!). It gets those chemicals in the brain turned on just as drugs or certain foods do. It is completely addicting. I used to "plan" my next session.

I'd like to add here that I AM doing much better on the purging side. Binginge no, but I should take it one step at a time right? I rarely purge now that I"m raw. Cooked also contributed to a "gross" feeling as well so I "needed" to get that food out of me.

[hypnocmt]

Barose

We seem like we have the same body type. I am about the same size and weight as you now...kinda edging into the 5/6 territory, 7/8's fitting loose..almost too loose. Yet, I weigh 150! On many other people it would look fat, but I have HUGE quads and shoulders from competitive sports and yoga.

Even when I was my smallest without an ounce of fat, I weighed closer to 140. Back in grade/high school when we were scale/numbers conscious, I had a real inferiority complex about my weight and build. I'm thankful whenever I see people like you b/c I can see how beautiful a solid, muscular body type is on someone else, and get to a more peacerful place with myself...so THANKS!

We could probably do a clothing swap, lol, except for the fact that we're shrinking. I know I need to take some of my nicer business clothes to the womens' shelter!

[dreamrawalwz]

Barose

We seem like we have the same body type. I am about the same size and weight as you now...kinda edging into the 5/6 territory, 7/8's fitting loose..almost too loose. Yet, I weigh 150! On many other people it would look fat, but I have HUGE quads and shoulders from competitive sports and yoga.

Even when I was my smallest without an ounce of fat, I weighed closer to 140. Back in grade/high school when we were scale/numbers conscious, I had a real inferiority complex about my weight and build. I'm thankful whenever I see people like you b/c I can see how beautiful a solid, muscular body type is on someone else, and get to a more peacerful place with myself...so THANKS!

We could probably do a clothing swap, lol, except for the fact that we're shrinking. I know I need to take some of my nicer business clothes to the womens' shelter!

It's all about body composition. I used to be 145 in a size 6. Now I'm 128 in a size 9 (slowly going down again)! It also could be due to the pant sizes actually changing which is really annoying!

[barose]

Barose

We seem like we have the same body type. I am about the same size and weight as you now...kinda edging into the 5/6 territory, 7/8's fitting loose..almost too loose. Yet, I weigh 150! On many other people it would look fat, but I have HUGE quads and shoulders from competitive sports and yoga.

Even when I was my smallest without an ounce of fat, I weighed closer to 140. Back in grade/high school when we were scale/numbers conscious, I had a real inferiority complex about my weight and build. I'm thankful whenever I see people like you b/c I can see how beautiful a solid, muscular body type is on someone else, and get to a more peacerful place with myself...so THANKS!

We could probably do a clothing swap, lol, except for the fact that we're shrinking. I know I need to take some of my nicer business clothes to the womens' shelter!

I know what you mean! I have a huge bag of clothes that I need to take to consignment and/or donate the rest to thrift stores and shelters. I also have a lot of pants that I need to take to the tailor. I guess thats a good problem to have.

I do have problems fitting certain pants because my quads are large so most of my pants are tailored after I buy them.

[hypnocmt]

I do have problems fitting certain pants because my quads are large so most of my pants are tailored after I buy them.

And I thought I was the only one...ha! And forget about those sexy knee high leather boots that were "in" a couple of years ago. I think I tried on a hundred pairs and couldn't get any of them to zip. Needless to say, I am glad that simple pumps and ballerina flats are the syle of the moment.

I ahve found that long distance training has helped alot with changing my body comp into more of a lean muscle vs. bulk muscle type. Still bigger than most girls, but definitely a little sleeker.

[SchoolOfRAWk]

....also I find that my binging usually starts in the MORNINGS. I wake up around 5:30-6 am everyday and I am STARVING... so since going Raw I have been just eating fruits because that's what everyone seems to say to have but whenever I do, I never ever feel satisfied and I end up looking for something else to eat and that's when the binge/purge cycle begins...

Do you know what helps? Something like a small smoothie with your fruits, or just blend the fruits into a smoothie, and do UDO'S OILS. It's beautifying and totally therapuetic, but soo balancing and filling. Or avocado would work.

I feel for you so much. I really understand the lack of control, trust me. Thank you for your honesty, too. You'll pull through this, and you can count on us.

Love,
Erica

[SchoolOfRAWk]

I want to add that I'm big-boned, too. Very large framed. I LOVE IT! I build tons of muscle when I apply myself and it is awesome. I could never really be below 150, and can pull off 165 really really really well. That is huge on some women, but tiny for me. I am glad for that. But I'm above that a bit now. :confused:

[cassidy]

I would love to be a part of a ED recover/raw food board! Great idea.
It sucks and it's hard. Raw does help though. I think at times it makes it a little tougher (can add guilt when not all raw... for me anyway) but all in all I've never felt better then when I'm raw.

:D

[britaniefaith]

also..if you feel you need support outside of this forum, feel free to add me on myspace (send me a message and ill add you..i have it so people have to know my last name to add me). from reading your different threads and stuff, it seems weve been down VERY similar roads.

Thanks so much (I sent you a message on myspace) I was reading some of your old posts and we definitely DO have alot in common. I'd love to talk to you more<3

[misslinda]

Wow, it's really great to see words of encouragement on this topic as my heart goes out to all of you who suffer the grips of an ED or ED's...

Britaniefaith and others, there is HEALING and you CAN recover entirely from the depths of this darkness, friend/enemy, voice or whatever we call it.

I can tell you that I should have died years ago with my 18 year battle with anorexia/bulimia. Who would have ever thought that I would live thru these self destructive habits,ritual,punishment,torment etc to achieve perfection that I knew didn't exist but I thought I could find it.

I remember at 3 years old having food issues the early signs of my ED.

In a nut shell, I was a walking ghost....taking laxatives by the boxes,daily intake was 1-2 tbsp of plain fat free yogurt,1 piece of see's chocolate and 7 cups of coffee with diet pills.......on top of that, running 7-10 miles everyday. I was in and out of hospitals and I should have died........deep down inside, I [wanted] to die b/c it had taken over me completely. It was so out of control, I was driving to 6 different stores to collect a favorite ice cream just to pick out the "cookies" and put them in freezer bags to save. It was psychotic but this is all I ever knew of ME. I remember my mother telling my sister, that I was dying......I had nothing else going on in my life b/c this illness was well over 10 years by then....

The day my brown eyes turned gray, I felt lifeless and on the verge of collapsing. By the 16 the year, I began bingeing/purging out of control.
I can still remember the stranger at the grocery store who asked me if I was okay. I was so psychotic in my mind, I didn't even know it. I didn't know what normal was...I use to fantasize what it would "be like" to be free of it all. Well at that time, with no friends,family who believed I was crazy and even my coworkers who felt uncomfortable around me, I really believed I would NEVER be free of it. I always believed that I would have that "voice" for the rest of my life ==controlling my mind.

Fast forward, how could 18 years of this behavior and lifestyle ever change????

RAW in 2004 was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can tell you that after 3 years of raw journey, I AM FREE AND 210% RECOVERED OF MY ED'S!!!!!! EVEN THE MEMORIES AND INTERNAL PROGRAMMING OF IT ALL HAS BEEN HEALING........

I'ts not easy but WORTH it.

Hypnocmt, THANK YOU for creating the boards, I will check it out!;)

[eatyourbroccoli]

People comment on how much I have lost and how different I look but I just can't see it. I still feel "BIG". So now I feel like "well if this is what a size 6 looks like, then I need to be a 4".

thats an issue ive been struggling with for a couple years. raw has helped me get to the point, finally, where im able to say "shut up...it only looks big to you because you have a messed up perspective of yourself" to the little voice in my head that tells me my 130 lbs on my 5'10 frame "looks too big"

thats a huge step for me. raw definitely is mentally balancing imo

[barose]

misslinda - thank you for sharing your life, its so encouraging to know that others have recovered on a raw diet.

eatyourbroccoli & RawNubian - its so crazy, I spent the evening at home and noticed how obsessed I was at my waistline. I would go to the bathroom and see where my belly is when I look in the mirror. I do this when I'm a work a lot too (in private). I didn't really notice or think about it until now...

[britaniefaith]

misslinda - thank you for sharing your life, its so encouraging to know that others have recovered on a raw diet.

eatyourbroccoli & RawNubian - its so crazy, I spent the evening at home and noticed how obsessed I was at my waistline. I would go to the bathroom and see where my belly is when I look in the mirror. I do this when I'm a work a lot too (in private). I didn't really notice or think about it until now...

I do the same thing.. I seriously will spend sometimes 20 minutes just staring at my stomach or my thighs in the mirror.... at any chance I get. It's so frustrating... it's like, if there is a mirror, I HAVE to look at my body in it and basically find every negative thing about it. I never look in the mirror and think "wow, you look great!" it's always something bad I'm thinking...

[dreamrawalwz]

I do the same thing.. I seriously will spend sometimes 20 minutes just staring at my stomach or my thighs in the mirror.... at any chance I get. It's so frustrating... it's like, if there is a mirror, I HAVE to look at my body in it and basically find every negative thing about it. I never look in the mirror and think "wow, you look great!" it's always something bad I'm thinking...

Is it possible to get mirrors out of your line of view? Ones that will show from your chest down? At least cover them for the time being?

[RawNubian]

misslinda - thank you for sharing your life, its so encouraging to know that others have recovered on a raw diet.

eatyourbroccoli & RawNubian - its so crazy, I spent the evening at home and noticed how obsessed I was at my waistline. I would go to the bathroom and see where my belly is when I look in the mirror. I do this when I'm a work a lot too (in private). I didn't really notice or think about it until now...

It's so crazy how much of an obsession it can become. The first thing I do in the morning is look at my profile to see my stomach and if it looks smaller.
This fitness trainer that lives on my block said to me "You are getting too skinny." And I was like "Me and the word skinny will never be in the same sentence." I am trying to balance my health with my athletic goals as a runner and a dancer by setting realistic weight loss goals. I think realistically I can lose 16 more pounds for my frame. That would be the absolute lowest I could go without looking sick or without my performance suffering. 11 pounds lighter would probably be a happy medium and totally attainable over time.
It's hard going through this because I feel like the people in my life wouldn't understand and I can't even imagine bringing my issues up for discussion with anyone in my inner circle of friends and family.

[hypnocmt]

I am putting together a workshop for women right now, which is all about figuring out patterns of self-hate and basically shining a light of compassion and understanding on oneself to overcome.

Until we/i/you have that, we struggle. That's part of the reason why someone who reaches a healthy weight after being overweight, will continue to see a too-big person in the mirror. Even when the logical reason for hating-Self evaporates, some part of the mind Finds or Creates a new reason to continue hating!

Not only must we learn to love our infinitely vast potential, we must learn to love ourselves as we are, right now.

RawNubian- You look like a beautiful modern dancer- healthier and stronger than the too-thin ballerinas. Your body looks like it can perform powerful, soulful movement. I would love to see you in action. If you still want to change your shape, fine, but I want you to know you look beautiful and graceful, and strong right now. Can you love that about yourself, exactly as you are today? I hope so, beautiful woman!


Barose-
We have talked about body type recently. I hopewhen you look in the mirror you see the amazingly glowing, natural beauty that the outside world sees. You have a classically strong-but-sensual/feminine body type and must surely turn heads. I aspire to be as fit as you, and to have such a visible glow from inner spark! I actually quite envy your hip-to-waist ratio, madam!

Broccoli-
Where to start the ode to EYB? Those cheekbones! Those eyes! You have such a cool, dreamy, kind-hearted, whipsmart energy about you. You have the figure and looks of a model who was so smart she turned to acting in very cerebral foreign films. You are refined-looking, yet earthy. You are a classic bohemian beauty and very photogenic from all angles! I hope you look in the mirror and see your own timeless beauty staring back at you!..and that you then forget the mirror b/c you are being swept into fire-y conversations on global transformation, b/c I know it will happen b/c of minds and hearts like yours!

Britanie-

Thank you thank you for reintroducing this subject here. You have a beautiful natural sensitivity about you that shines forth in your gentle apearance and personality. I don't want to run around making assumptions, and of course, we all have our moments when we are rightfully LESS-than gentle, but overall, I see you as such a naturally caring and kind, unassuming girl. However, I hope you will always feel free to ask for what you need, and free to give it to yourself. At the weight you are right now, you could stay the same or gain ten pounds and still look like a photographer's muse. You remind me of a young GIA (the first super model) with the added beauty of health, and innocence. You have been kissed by the gods with the gift of extraordinary beauty. May you use is time in your life to enjoy it in happiness and gratitude, in its amazing entirety.

Dream-

I was so NOT surprised to see you as a 2 on the enneagram thread. :P You broadcast the energy of a compassionate person who rescues baby birds and someone who's the first person people can turn to in real times of trouble. You have the beauty of a heroine in a great novel, or movie...very classic, very solid. You have the look and warmth of someone people can trust very easily. Your eyes have the same kind of soulfulness that draws artists to paint a girl in thoughtful profile, or hazy light. YOu also have a very enigmatic smile! I think you are a classic beauty, and that your inner growth is only making you more beautiful by the day! I hope you see it too!

Everone- for whatever flaws you see in the mirror - STOP! As one whose JOB it once was to selc/analyze the plus and negs of hiring MODELS, all I can say is that I look at you guys and see nothing but overwhelming energy, vitality and BEAUTY to the max. That so overwhelms any flaw you may see, that I have to assure you , THEY ARE RENDERED INVISIBLE TO OTHERS by your positive attributes (if they were ever real flaws at all).

I think I am gonna open a thread/discussion about this on the ED board. I hope you guys will join me by posting your own thoughts on this very thing. YOung girls will also be reading and lurking, and you never know who you will help by telling your own story, and sharing your own insight.

[dreamrawalwz]

Dream-

I was so NOT surprised to see you as a 2 on the enneagram thread. :P You broadcast the energy of a compassionate person who rescues baby birds and someone who's the first person people can turn to in real times of trouble. You have the beauty of a heroine in a great novel, or movie...very classic, very solid. You have the look and warmth of someone people can trust very easily. Your eyes have the same kind of soulfulness that draws artists to paint a girl in thoughtful profile, or hazy light. YOu also have a very enigmatic smile! I think you are a classic beauty, and that your inner growth is only making you more beautiful by the day! I hope you see it too!

Wow! I dont know what to say.

[RowanC]

I haven't read this entire thread, but I noticed hypno's post to you, Dreamrawalwz, and I think you are BEAUTIFUL too! You seem so gentle and graceful and ... well... you remind me of Grace Kelly.

[barose]

Is it possible to get mirrors out of your line of view? Ones that will show from your chest down? At least cover them for the time being?

So far in the house, we only have two mirrors: a large on in the bathroom and the full-length one in the linen closet. I never look at the full-length one unless I'm getting dressed so that isn't a problem. I don't think getting covering up the only other one is much of an option (I don't live alone).

[barose]

hypnocmt - I'm with Dream, I don't know what to say! I am speechless actually; not just what you wrote about me, but to everyone else as well!

I do long for the day where I can say, "I'm OK as I am".

[misslinda]

As far as the mirror issues go, I don't think that it will solve the issue if they are avoided or removed b/c, when we have an underlying association/emotion IF it is not directly dealth with, we channel that same behavior in other ways......a constant circle of feeling trapped.


I want to ask those of you that are still struggling with the ED........


Are your thoughts usually in the past and future?

ex: "I ate too much yesterday.....too many calories earlier" "What should I eat tomorrow....." "I will exercise more tomorrow..."


What are you TRULY afraid will happen IF you were stop thinking about your body,food etc?


How would you feel if you were somehow stopped from bingeing and purging in the midst of an episode? What thoughts and emotions build up at that time?



The tough aspect of suffering from poor body image/ED is our "created" misperception becomes our own reality world. Learning to break those associations slowly takes careful transition...;)

[sahalies]

Misslinda,
Your message really caught my eye and this is my first posting on this board. I joined up when I read your message as your history with the eating disorder is my present right now. I have been battling anorexia/bulimia for over 25 years now and I am not sure how I have managed to stay alive. However, I really am not alive as such, just surviving and trying to exist. I have been through many therapies and etc., with me always relapsing once again.
Two weeks ago I heard about the raw diet and have been reading the posts here and tried going raw myself. I am Celiac, so I cut out all grains several years ago. Going on the raw diet was not much of a transition for me, but I was hoping to feel a bit better while on it. I slipped this weekend and once again am dealing with the bulimia. You went raw 3 years ago and you said it really cured your eating disorder. I was wondering if you could tell me more about how it helped you. Did you go raw 100% and were able to immediately not struggle with the eating disorder?
Your post really is encouraging for me and I just wanted to thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have a life now and are truly free and living. That is where I want to be.
I did want to ask others that when they went raw if they had to deal with cramping, gas, and numerous trips to the bathroom. I know my system is so screwed up from the damage I have now done to it, and I find I am in discomfort no matter what I eat. Fruits and vegetables only make it worse. I am hoping that if I can stick with it that maybe my body can do some much needed healing.
sahalies

[hypnocmt]

When I started raw, my body was still in a wierd place from years of abusing laxatives, and restricting myself to freaky food rules. I was eating very clean and lean organic, but would still suffer from alternating bouts of diarhea, agonizing bloating/gas which felt like knives in my abdomen, and constipation.

Muchof this was anxiety related too, and I found that eating simply was key.

The dehydrator stuff was just too much for me, and my system needed a rest. I found simple, juicy fruits and green smoothies (fruit w/ greens) to work best.


These are very gentle to the system, as they are "easy passage" foods, and I firmly believe they have given my digestive tract the rest it has needed to finally heal, while flooding my system with the nutrients it needs to regenerate.

Please feel welcome to visit the ED supprt forum I started t supplement the experience on this board. Some serious issued often come up during the recvery process, and I find it is easier to talk about them with people who have "been there"

http://p071.ezboard.com/bmettaone

I just started it a couple of days ago so its just getting going...

Inner peace and success to you!

[britaniefaith]

I am putting together a workshop for women right now, which is all about figuring out patterns of self-hate and basically shining a light of compassion and understanding on oneself to overcome.

Until we/i/you have that, we struggle. That's part of the reason why someone who reaches a healthy weight after being overweight, will continue to see a too-big person in the mirror. Even when the logical reason for hating-Self evaporates, some part of the mind Finds or Creates a new reason to continue hating!

Not only must we learn to love our infinitely vast potential, we must learn to love ourselves as we are, right now.

RawNubian- You look like a beautiful modern dancer- healthier and stronger than the too-thin ballerinas. Your body looks like it can perform powerful, soulful movement. I would love to see you in action. If you still want to change your shape, fine, but I want you to know you look beautiful and graceful, and strong right now. Can you love that about yourself, exactly as you are today? I hope so, beautiful woman!


Barose-
We have talked about body type recently. I hopewhen you look in the mirror you see the amazingly glowing, natural beauty that the outside world sees. You have a classically strong-but-sensual/feminine body type and must surely turn heads. I aspire to be as fit as you, and to have such a visible glow from inner spark! I actually quite envy your hip-to-waist ratio, madam!

Broccoli-
Where to start the ode to EYB? Those cheekbones! Those eyes! You have such a cool, dreamy, kind-hearted, whipsmart energy about you. You have the figure and looks of a model who was so smart she turned to acting in very cerebral foreign films. You are refined-looking, yet earthy. You are a classic bohemian beauty and very photogenic from all angles! I hope you look in the mirror and see your own timeless beauty staring back at you!..and that you then forget the mirror b/c you are being swept into fire-y conversations on global transformation, b/c I know it will happen b/c of minds and hearts like yours!

Britanie-

Thank you thank you for reintroducing this subject here. You have a beautiful natural sensitivity about you that shines forth in your gentle apearance and personality. I don't want to run around making assumptions, and of course, we all have our moments when we are rightfully LESS-than gentle, but overall, I see you as such a naturally caring and kind, unassuming girl. However, I hope you will always feel free to ask for what you need, and free to give it to yourself. At the weight you are right now, you could stay the same or gain ten pounds and still look like a photographer's muse. You remind me of a young GIA (the first super model) with the added beauty of health, and innocence. You have been kissed by the gods with the gift of extraordinary beauty. May you use is time in your life to enjoy it in happiness and gratitude, in its amazing entirety.

Dream-

I was so NOT surprised to see you as a 2 on the enneagram thread. :P You broadcast the energy of a compassionate person who rescues baby birds and someone who's the first person people can turn to in real times of trouble. You have the beauty of a heroine in a great novel, or movie...very classic, very solid. You have the look and warmth of someone people can trust very easily. Your eyes have the same kind of soulfulness that draws artists to paint a girl in thoughtful profile, or hazy light. YOu also have a very enigmatic smile! I think you are a classic beauty, and that your inner growth is only making you more beautiful by the day! I hope you see it too!

Everone- for whatever flaws you see in the mirror - STOP! As one whose JOB it once was to selc/analyze the plus and negs of hiring MODELS, all I can say is that I look at you guys and see nothing but overwhelming energy, vitality and BEAUTY to the max. That so overwhelms any flaw you may see, that I have to assure you , THEY ARE RENDERED INVISIBLE TO OTHERS by your positive attributes (if they were ever real flaws at all).

I think I am gonna open a thread/discussion about this on the ED board. I hope you guys will join me by posting your own thoughts on this very thing. YOung girls will also be reading and lurking, and you never know who you will help by telling your own story, and sharing your own insight.

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me. Thank you so very much.... you made my entire night.

[britaniefaith]

As far as the mirror issues go, I don't think that it will solve the issue if they are avoided or removed b/c, when we have an underlying association/emotion IF it is not directly dealth with, we channel that same behavior in other ways......a constant circle of feeling trapped.


I want to ask those of you that are still struggling with the ED........


Are your thoughts usually in the past and future?

ex: "I ate too much yesterday.....too many calories earlier" "What should I eat tomorrow....." "I will exercise more tomorrow..."


What are you TRULY afraid will happen IF you were stop thinking about your body,food etc?


How would you feel if you were somehow stopped from bingeing and purging in the midst of an episode? What thoughts and emotions build up at that time?



The tough aspect of suffering from poor body image/ED is our "created" misperception becomes our own reality world. Learning to break those associations slowly takes careful transition...;)

My thoughts are usually in the future... like "what will I weigh tomorrow?", "will I wake up feeling sick and bloated from eating so much yesterday", "will my clothes fit tomorow", etc.

For me, my biggest fear after binging is that I will never be able to control myself with food again and that I will have gained actual pounds of fat from my binge and never be able to lose it again because I am too out of control. When I binge, I lose all control of myself. I sometimes blank out and don't even remember what I ate or why I am eating in the first place. I eat so fast and I go into a total daze. Then, once I realize what I did eat, I freak out that I will gain weight or become overweight again.

If someone were to stop me from binging on something I wanted to binge on, I would probably become angry.... frustrated... it's happened before. My mom has stopped me in the middle of a binge when she saw how I was about to totally consume way more food than I needed to and she knew that I would feel horrible after, I ended up getting very angry and depressed and went into bed early and just slept the whole night. I was mad at her during the time but the next day I thanked her for it.

[hypnocmt]

Britanie,

It's interesting (but not unusual) that you totally blank out when you binge...it's called a trance state, and many times people go into one when smaller "today stress" subconsciously triggers a stress response from a "long ago stress." You are literally on auto pilot, while your logical "main pilot" goes bye-bye for awhile until the stress passes, or until the binge numbs it out.

The secret is to learn to understand what old programs your "autopilot" is accessing and replace thse programs with "upgraded" software.

We can talk more about how to do that if you feel like it.

Be well....Being mindful of what's going on is half the battle...so you're one step closer to victory!

Smiles...