Unsupportive friends

[Kathleen]

I have a friend who is acting very concerned about me being raw. She has asked the typical questions and then said that as soon as the 30 days are over she is going to take me out for some real food. For some reason, that really bothered me. I laughed it off but then thought about later. Here is what I came up with: Sadly, some people have an investment in you being "less than". If a person is not secure within themselves they need to feel better than other people. I had a vision of me losing weight on this and feeling great and with that came that image, compounding on the "taking me out for real food" comment, of certain friends in my life not being happy about the success. A real sense of the fact that the better I look and feel and inevitably the "sexier" I start to look as the pounds come off the more some people in my life are not going to be happy about it. Inevitably the comments will come whether to my face or behind my back: "I'm really concerned about Kathleen", " I think she is obsessed with this crazy diet she is on", "I mean she is not getting any nutrients or anything!". *Sigh* I wish I wasn't right about this but I am.

[asil]

Well, maybe your friend is feeling threatened....I hope not.

Another possibility: Lots of people go on "diets." These are temporary things, ended as soon as possible, when the weight comes off, when the person can't stand it anymore, etc. Maybe your friend sees things this way.

Another possibility: It's confusing when friends have big changes in the way they do things, the person they are. When my best friend had a baby, I didn't know what to make of the person she's become. Did she still want to meet for coffee? Could I still call her at 11 pm? We took a few months to figure out how to adjust. My friends had a hard time when I went to grad school, when I came into some good financial fortune. We eventually figured it out.

Anyway, if you guys are good friends I'm sure you can ride this out. Good wishes for you both! :)

[VeganVixen]

I definatley know how you feel ,my mom (I live w/her and my dad ) sometimes she feels "less than " or something ,reallly she did thid before I got really sick (now shes happier when I look good) but If I look really nice on a particular day she will make some "comments" ,so Its hard because I live w/her ,right now I dont have any freinds around me ,and the ones in houston know that I have been sick and MUST keep this diet or my body reject any food that I eat -need I say more -but my mom will say things like "Is this a REALLY healthy lifestyle?" or "are you being a little too extreme" or shell say do you want to share this (non vegan,cooked) meal instead of eating your dates-sometimes she makes it OBVIOUS to me that shes LOOKING at what Im eating and will ask "what is that? " -when Ive told her several times -and she just wants to let me know that she thinks its not right.

but on the other hand she is supportive alot and wants to change her diet ,but never does -like I once got her a hemp seed bar and smoothie when she "wanted somthing"
and rejected it becuase she needed some "protein" and made me go back and get her a grilled cheese and an organic brownie-I think she feels insecure when she sees me stick with it and she cant when she really wants too....

What I do is I dont always listen too what comes out of her mouth -I listen to her inner dialogue, like if she says "thats too extreme" I hear it as ,"I bet I would become so healthy like that -but I dont think I could stick with it"

you just got to respect her opinion -hear her on different levels-let her see the positive changes in you-and when she asks about it ,say youve NEVER felt better and give her reasons why it works(like its living ,the enzymes,lack of preservetives....)and if shes interested tell her how she could incorperate this and give her recipes

and if she starts making bad comments to you or behind your back about your diet you could always bring her some yummy recipes and tell her that you found these for her since she was so interested in your diet.....she might read them and be intrigued?

[Revvell]

Yanno? No one likes change and, if someone sees a "friend" of theirs doing something they don't want to do, then, yes, they feel a bit threatened so, to avoid you pushing her away (even though YOU aren't doing it), she'll create something so that she cannot be with you ~ lil remarks; passive aggressive acts, etc.

Working with people I find how many think, rather interesting.

When someone is very ill, everyone has a role to play. (Ill or not, everyone plays their role). And if the ill person has been ill for a long time, then the roles have been played for a long time. When the ill person becomes better, then the rest of the role players have to figure out what to do! Their role (as caretaker, etc) has ended.

Your friends will not change ~ most likely ~ which means, you will be changing friends. Their role in your life, unless they accept what you do, has ended. IF they accept what you are doing, then their role will have to change somewhat to accomodate your new lifestyle. Make sense?

Personally, I don't hang out with folk who don't accept what I eat and where I go to eat. I do have niche friends who I see occasionally ~ and we do things together yet, when it comes to food, if they wont accomodate me, it's time to part at food time. It's just the way it is.

Injoy ~

Revvell

[VeganVixen]

Personally, I don't hang out with folk who don't accept what I eat and where I go to eat. I do have niche friends who I see occasionally ~ and we do things together yet, when it comes to food, if they wont accomodate me, it's time to part at food time. It's just the way it is.

Injoy ~

Revvell

right on!!!!


revvel is right if she cant accept it and does the "push-pull" b.s. ,dont surround yourself with that negativity-you probably wouldnt miss her much anyways,I suspect.

[Reena1]

I have been thinking about this one a lot too, and completely agree with Revell's point. Recently I was on a long work-related trip where I stayed with two friends, consecutively. I had problems in both instances at dinnertime, even though I explained my relatively new (4 months raw) eating choices to both ahead of time. I made sure that I didn't ramble on, that I was positive, I made it clear that this was a conscious choice that makes me feel better, and did NOT try to push anything on them or talk it up. I bought produce (enough for everyone) and prepared my own salads, making enough for everyone as well. In the first instance, my friend (with whom I was staying) clearly felt hurt, threatened, and claimed to be "mourning" for me, as if we somehow couldn't relate anymore since sometimes we were not eating the same things. It eventually got a bit better during my stay as she realized that I was committed to this AND that I'm not pushing it on anyone, and that I am going to do this EVEN IF I get hassled; but I came away from the experience feeling something between us is changed, at least temporarily. In the second instance, I got the usual comments, graduating from sarcasm ("that's not FOOD, that's what FOOD EATS", to despair ("you've GOT to have hot soup in the winter!"), and her repeated insistance that she's never followed a diet or excluded any food...eventually she began asking sincere questions and seemed to be impressed that I could be satisfied with fruit and veggies, and with the constant energy level I have. In fact, during this trip I realized that eating raw food while traveling is NOT the hard part for me...as long as I have access to a store I can keep myself in fresh fruit and veggies...what IS difficult is figuring out how you are going to handle other people's remarks and criticism. And mind you, my friends are NOT conservative eaters...they are familiar with vegetarianism and eat from a wide variety of ethnic cuisines, and they generally have very healthy eating habits.

I also realized that eating this way makes me feel so good and gives me such peace of mind and clear energy that I WILL find a way that is peaceful, loving, and non-confrontational to do this, no matter what sort of negative feedback I get. If it means I am branded the local weirdo, so be it. I will be a happy, healthy, emotionally balanced weirdo.

For the record, I do have a couple of friends and a sister who admire this and ask me loads of sincere questions about it. They can see the positive benefits and are supportive of me and my choices.

And it's incredibly helpful to have this board, where I can read about others who are experiencing the same things!

[Kathleen]

Thank you everyone. It can be tough, and it's nice to know we all can relate to this issue. I guess I have a hard time understanding it because I don't think if the situation were reversed I would give a friend or family member a hard time about it. Just like I said to my Mom about Easter dinner, "Why does the emphasis on food have to be so great?!" People take food very personally I think. I think also that others falsely feel that if you are eating raw foods that you are secretly judging those who are not. I have enough to handle staying committed to this lifestyle - I don't have any energy left to monitor the food consumption of others so if I'm respecting their food choices they should respect mine. I think it's eventually saying, "You may not agree with this, but I'm asking you to respect it because it's important to me. Just like I am not going to criticize your food intake, please don't criticize mine." Thanks everybody - this forum is such a lifesaver for me - it's like having a friend to go to who "gets it" and who is totally supportive. Thanks again!! :p

[DotfromOz]

The easiest way I've found to explain why I'm eating raw foods is to tell people that I'm on a very restrictive diet to determine possible food allergies. I figure they don't need to know how long I've been eating this way. Those who ask I tell, "Oh, I'll have to eat this way until it's obvious what exactly I'm allergic to." The funny thing is that the very day that I thought of saying this when asked, I was shopping at my favorite natural/organic market and encountered a woman who actually WAS looking for foodstuffs from a list that her allergist had given her for that very reason!

Eating unusually is easily understood when it's for health reasons that people have heard of. Granted, it may be somewhat of a "white lie" for those not troubled by allergies, but it sure works for me.

[Kathleen]

That is a good one! I wish I had thought of that before telling that one friend I mentioned:) Thanks for the support!

[Lara]

hey kathleen,
be sure to read the post on the recent research on raw vegans, rawkinlocs just posted it today I believe.
I suggest keeping that info around when you get naysayers...
warmly,
Lara

[Pailani]

I think, sometimes, people are just genuinely worried for us. Even we ourselves can be prone to wonder if we're getting enough protein, B12, calcium, etc. Those around us who haven't done the research and only know the media hype and hesitation from nutritionists to endorse a raw diet will probably wonder if we're all going to waste away and end up with rotten teeth and serious deficiencies.

[Revvell]

.... while they themselves are overweight and dying of every disease imaginable.




I think, sometimes, people are just genuinely worried for us. Even we ourselves can be prone to wonder if we're getting enough protein, B12, calcium, etc. Those around us who haven't done the research and only know the media hype and hesitation from nutritionists to endorse a raw diet will probably wonder if we're all going to waste away and end up with rotten teeth and serious deficiencies.

[RawTruth]

I've learned not to volunteer that I'm raw. If I'm having a meal with someone and/or it comes up, I just say that I'm trying to eat healthier.

When I first went vegetarian years ago, I proselytized a lot -- and was pretty obnoxious, I'm sure -- but I was young and had enthusiastic blinders on. Now, I know that each person must find his or her own way. And, by simply living my life in radiant good health, I will be an example of what eating raw is really about.

I do believe that, unless a person uses this as a diet, a shift to different friends and circumstance is inevitable. And ... desirable. I don't want to be surrounded by energy vampires and/or people who try to subvert me.

And, think of the time and energy wasted defending a conscious choice we've made. Isn't it more constructive to find new acquaintances and create a more supportive environment where we can continue to thrive?