Sooooooo FRUSTRATED!!

[portiz]

I still cook SAD for my BF (Robby), his son (Blake), and his son's girlfriend (Megan). I, for the most part stick to RAW, but sometimes just can't help my cooking. I have started cutting out red meat and have incorporated big salads into Robby's diet, Blake only picks at his (so I basically gave up because I didn't want to waste what could be MY smoothie or salad for the next day), and Megan will not touch anything that resembles a fruit or vegetable. Both kids are 17 years old, have only been living with us for the last month or so, and two of the biggest junk food junkies you'd ever meet; so there is a constant supply of pork products, canned corn and beans, Cokes, Kool-Aid, Pop Tarts, prepackaged commercial blueberry waffles and pancakes, mac & cheese, and gummi bears, among other things. :eek:
My refrigerator is the poster child of cancer and sickness. That's all these kids eat.
So...this is a big adjustment on my part. I had been trying to be 100% RAW (for the most part had been 50%) and even though i'm not making excuses, it is alot more difficult to be RAW when there are two teenagers in the same house. I would rather not spend two hours (which I did last night) cooking their dinner (using MY ingredients, not theirs) as well as prepare my own because I want us to sit down and eat together as a family. call me old fashioned but that's how i grew up.
I've read how others prepare their own and eat either before or after they feed their kids/spouses/etc so as to not be tempted to eat SAD food Now my problem...the comments about my choice of foods start flying across the table. "Are you eating grass again?" I have shown them pictures and read from the testimonials in Alissa's book how eating RAW has changed their lives for the better. Megan will no doubt have major health problems when she gets older (if she doesn't already, like her cavities!).
Should I just be the adult and ignore what these two kids say, and maybe just let them prepare their own dinners at their convenience? Robby supports my being RAW, so's long as I'm still cooking SAD for him. I don't mind doing that for him becuase he ends up liking what I prepare for myself and therefore picks at what i eat...plus he pays for the grocery bill most of the time.
I would like to hear what others experiences have been and what you've done to cope. Keep in mind...these are kids that are not mine and have only been with us for a month. BTW, even my two boxers are RAW. I buy the chicken for them!

[Conscious Midwife]

I'm having a hard time just trying to wrap my mind around the idea of living with folks who are so non supportive when you have no legal or familial obligation to them.

With that many grown or near grown folks not only would meals be ala carte and on your own but er huh we'd be splitting expenses 4 ways!

Just my Opinion :)

[Sharon in Colorado]

Also a bit confused here. Why does the boy have an adolescent girl living with him? What is the reason for that? Does he not go to school? Does she go to school? Why aren't they married and/or living on their own if they are shagging (I am assuming this is their situation)? Who's home are you living in?

I think there is more of problem with the whole "family" living situation if that is what you call it.

But, you did not ask for living advice, did you. You asked about the food situation. But, it's hard to give advice, as LAG mentions, when you seem to have no obligation or real family connection with this group.

I would let them cook their own meals and make sure they clean up. I wouldn't spend money on them when clearly they have no desire to eat and/or live better.

[Firicia]

If they are 17 I would start letting them cook thier own meals and manage thier budgets. If they are already that young and I'm assuming living together like a couple in your house, then it's time they start learning how to function in the real world. It's time they learn these responsibilities and start seeing what life looks like, it'll make them better prepaired in the end.

Oh and don't listen to what they say about the way you eat. You have spent hours of research and have decided this is the bess thing for you, honour that. Also honour your feelings about how this family dynamic is affecting you, cuz from the sound of things it is. Best of luck :)

[lytlsprout]

When my boyfriend moved in with me, there was a lot of adjustment. It was hard because there was all this food around that I don't want to eat and was now around. So we set some rules, there are foods that are harder for me to not eat when they're just around, so we made a no chips in the house rule. Also when I was growing up, either you ate what was on the table or you didn't get fed by mom and dad. I wouldn't go out of my way to make them unhealthly food. It's one thing to make some broiled fish and veggies and another to make mac and cheese or hamburger helper. Also my boyfriend has agreed to start taking on his health. He's not going raw, but eating a lot healthier, so maybe you man would agree to take on his eating, but in his own way.

[portiz]

I own my house with my BF (we're not married). Blake's mom (my BF's ex-wife) no longer wanted to have anything to do with him. He was staying with freinds (and getting into trouble) and so my BF did not want to have to pay child support if he was not living with his mom. Megan's Dad passed away when she was 13 (she's 17) and her mom is a dope fiend. Megan was paying $100 a week to rent out a room at a freind's trailer house. I insisted on her being with us and her mother actually signed over power of attorney to me, so she is my responsibility now (actually she moved in first, then we found out about Blake's brush with the law and had to bring him in). they go to teh same high school, have seperate rooms, and she pretty much picks up after herself and is pretty self sufficient. she buys her own groceries (hence the junk food) and even goes so far as to say she'd make dinner for all of us if i wanted her to, so she does help. i only preached to her ONE time about her eating habits, but ultimatley it is her body and she is buying her own things, so i can't complain.
the problem, i guess, lies with Blake. he always has an opinion and although my BF tells him to lay off, i think to him this is just fun and games and he's only poking fun.
I think i will tell them that. they aren't my kids and since they are living under the same roof, they should fend for themselves at least in this manner. i do however, cook for my BF because i want to, not because i have to. he provides in more ways than one so i think this is a small price to pay on my part. i guess my problems began when blake moved in. :confused:
i will just have to sit down and talk to all of them...LIKE ADULTS. as i've stated before, this is a period of adjustment and even the dogs are having to adjust as well.

Robby has, for the most part, started eating healthier because i am the one preparing it. but he insists on having red meat. so...we made a deal, instead of having red meat 5 days a week, i've cut back to once or twice a week (all this is for him, not me) for dinner. i can't control what he eats for lunch or breakfast because he is a technicain always on the road. but his eating habits are a whole lot healthier than they were when i first met him.

[Eva]

My husband and I have dealt a lot with having unhealthy food around. A few times, he bought chips at the grocery store "because they were on sale," and I made a thing about it. I actually threw them away one time. I basically read the ingredients to him, and repeated why this was not an adequate or appropriate snack to send the kids off to school with.

We do not keep chips in the house anymore, ever.

The kids still have cereal in the morning (unless Carlos is at work early, and I get the kids ready. That means green smoothie time!), but it's organic and so is the milk they use (usually).

We are also married. It may be slightly more complicated for you because these people are your boyfriend, his son, and his girlfriend. I "pick my battles" and good health is one of them. I don't lay off on that one, but he can't get rid of me because I'm here for the rest of his life. That makes it a little easier to be a bully about good health. :D I have dealt in baby steps; when the kids came here a year and a half ago, they refused to eat vegetables that weren't cooked and covered in butter. Now half of every dinner plate MUST have raw veggies on it, and snacks MUST be a fruit or vegetable. And the kids still eat cooked food too, but I'm sure as heck not the one cooking it!

Perhaps you should have a healthy discussion with your boyfriend about supporting healthy habits if you're supporting these kids. And if your relationship can stand it, maybe even be annoyingly persistent. If your relationship can't stand him being responsible for his son and his well-being, I would look closely at your boyfriend.

[lafsalot]

Hi Patti,

All three of my adult children (two still living at home) are vegetarian and very supportive, as is my dh who is still SAD. The only one I have to cook for is my husband, but since I prefer simpler meals, he gladly eats whatever raw salads I prepare as a side dish.

Although the aromas from the oven/stove no longer tempt me like they once did, I did find myself craving some of the corn beef I prepared earlier this month, and I was never fond of it in my SAD days (go figure?!!).

Did you just recently get another furbaby? Give them a big hug from me ~ Cathy

[Sharon in Colorado]

Thanks for the explanation. Yes, I would tell the son in no uncertain terms it is competely unacceptable to make remarks about the food you eat or prepare.

Also if he is passing along remarks and anyone is responding (like giggling, laughing or agreeing, or whatever) he will continue. he is fortunate to have a hand out and shouldn't be taking advantage like that. Sort of sounds like he's been spoiled in the past and not ready for the real world. The fact that you own the home is huge, he is priveleged to be there and be provided for like that.

The girlfriend sounds fairly responsible, so even though she's eating junk food all the time, at least she's not making people buy it for her. I think the fact that she's had a hard life causes her to take much more responsibility for herself. Hopefully she'll realize that her "boyfriend" is on a different path than her.

It would probably be a good idea to set some kind of schedule where they are making their own food certain days of the week and you can make everyone dinner on other days. You should work this out before talking to them, so that it's all laid out in front of them.

That way you don't feel glued to the stove, and making them junk. On the days you make food, let them know you will be making them food that doesn't come out of a box, can or package. You can do a cut up cantaloupe, a big salad, steamed veggies, etc. Maybe a piece of fish (not battered or breaded) if they have to have meat. And if it doesn't get eaten, you will no longer make the food.

Just some ideas there for you. Hope that helps.

[Conscious Midwife]

The explanation help

My hubby is all about keeping MAMA happy so whatever mama say is usually what goes.

I buy no meat I cook no meat... took that stance over a year ago
folks can go up the street to the chineses buffet if the choose

I don't FORCE RAW becuase I'm nopt 100% and I think a non dogmatic approach to a radical change is best

HUNGRY FOLKS eat whats available.

The only way my unemployeed teen gets McDonalds or other junk is if he mows a lawn to get $$$ and then just happens to be out with grandma or a friend and has his own money for such. By the time he goes thru all that he usually reevaluates, drinks a free smoothie and spends his $$$ on lazer tag.

I do cook rice, refired beans and other vegan options a few times a week. On a weak occasions cheese is available, but as a whole our family has committed to avoiding all forms of anim,al consumption by the end of summer. Cheese is actually are last frontier to conquer.

Hubby's diet sways with mine. I cover breakfast and dinner and he fends for himself at lunch. Sometimes chicken and sometimes shrimp.

He recently picked up a coffee habit, so i increased his life insurance, as a joke but also as a way of showing him how serious I am about his health and my comfort should he ddepart first. LOL:D

[portiz]

All very good approaches. Thank you for unbiased opinions and a different insight to things.
I have been trying to divy up chores around the house, and I believe this is one way Blake is trying to "get back at me." No one laughs at his jokes or eggs him on, but he continues. I am beginning to wonder about his reasons behind that...
He is like my BF, they both are work-out freaks and think the best source of protien comes from lean beef and chicken. Blake is pretty skinny but muscular (don't ask me how with all that junk food) and complains about gaining muscle mass. I have expressed my opinion on that and (again) showed him pictures of Alissa from her book. I did this ONCE and do not plan on divulging anymore information unless he shows genuine interest. i've only known about RAW for about 6 months or so, and since i've been with Robby (2.5 years) i have done away with red meat from my diet and have even started phasing out the chicken and fish almost completely...i've gone from a soft 160 lb to a toned 120-125 lb during those 2.5 years...a BIG change from anyone who's seen my picture when we were first together, with simple excercise and better eating habits.
Yes, i've researched this enought to know that this is the way to go for me...the results speak for themselves. Cathy, my big purchase (splurge) was my dehydrator...even cleo, my 6 month old boxer, loves it. she'll run from whatever other room she's in when she hears me open the door to check on my goodies. she loves the bananas and pineapple! i'll give them hugs and kisses from you, give the same love to yours!

[hippiechick704]

Hi Patti. How difficult it must be in your home.

I have a similar situation at my home - except it's my own 17 year old. He is a total junk food junkie. Part of that line of thinking is "convenience food". He will always reach for a banana over an orange or mango -- which takes time to peel! But, he is always interested in desserts - whether they are raw or SAD! Maybe this is a way to introduce new foods for them to try? In my home, I don't offer it up anymore, but sometimes he will ask for some of "mom's food".

They are nearly adults and will be choosing food for themselves for the rest of their lives. Thank goodness you are setting a positive example for them, even if they act like they can't hear you right now.

Stephanie

[learningrawways]

I think part of the problem is the age of your BF;s son--17 year olds can be cruel or insensitive without thinking. So I would let any comments that are not positive slide right over my head especially in view that you really have changed your health and body through eating raw. There is no disputing that. I have an 18 year old and she can come out with some real beauties. Actually she read Alyssa's book and was impressed enough to try eating raw but her version was eating apples all day long. Well, that didn't last long. I tried to explain about eating a variety of foods but she really didn't want to eat that way.

I cook for my husband & my 18 yr old(and my other daughter when she comes over). They all want meat although my husband has recently become more open to limiting his meat intake (he got me the China Syndrome for christmas and I have been talking to him about it) but my 2 other daughters will say when they are hungry that they want meat. I get organic meat mostly ( I will buy nuggets for my 18 yr old that are not organic) to make for my family and something new that I never used to do is to make stir fry vegetables. Sometimes I put tiny amounts of meat in it but if I can get away with not putting any in--I don't. Meat really does not tempt me so cooking is no problem--it's the junk food that I get tempted by. But I do eat the meatless meals sometimes because I'm making it and I'm hungry. Actually from what I have read--red meat isn't much worse than white meat or that other white meat. Fish has mercury in it. So if your family wants meat--then buying organic meat if you can afford it is better. We have Giant here which does their store brand of organic. I'm sure it's not as good as real organic but its still an improvement on regular meat. Alanna

[dreamrawalwz]

I am only 19 so I haven't been in a similar situation, but...you're the parent. You buy the food. If THEY want the junk, make them buy it with their own money. You fix the meals and if they don't eat it, that's their problem, right? It may sound harsh, but you need to draw the lines right? How does your husband feel about the junk? Can you all sit down as a family and have a discussion that you wan to be healtier? Don't go into "it'll do xyz to your body" but that you just want to be healthier as a family. Make sure they know you're not trying to make them raw or even vegan, just cutting out the junk food. Once that's under control maybe take it a step further, but slowly.

Also I should add I didn't read the full post :rolleyes:

Ok, now I've read the whole thing. Yes, let them cook/eat what they want to. Just ignore the comments across the table. I know it's difficult. My parents support me with raw, but when I was at my sister's, she, her husband, and my aunt were there mooing at me and making fun of me. It hurt a lot, but deep down I know they know what I'm doing is healthier.

[Sharon in Colorado]

I would definately not "ignore" those comments, but make a comment back to him that you really are not in the mood to make him food anymore because of his lack of respect, and juvenille remarks toward you. I would just say it in a casual, non-chalant tone, without any passion in my voice. He'll get the picture.

Not sure how you could get around not making him food, except to say, "sorry dude, you're on your own tonight".

He really needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable. We don't ignore our children when they say disrespectful things to one another. We tell them that speaking like that is wrong and unloving. If we were to ignore that kind of behavior, it wouldn't stop.

[Indi]

Hi portiz
Sounds difficult! Lots of issues!


This is my story around cooking for others......

I still shop and cook for my family.

They are supportive, yet have no idea how difficult this can be (especially when you first start out!)

I eat or snack before I prepare their food.
I have a seperate shelves in the fridge and freezer for my food

I mainly eat fresh fruit and green smoothies these days with a large green salad in the evening.
When i uncooked, my family started to try dehydrated foods and would often eat raw chillies and curries with me.
My teenage veggie daughter started to eat more fruit and flax crackers.
It took time, but it happened!

Although i am happy to prepare and cook food for my family as i dont feel that i can force my choices on them, It would be easier if i didnt need to do it!

Its taken a while, but i just dont look at 'cooked' as food any more (except baked potato), so i never make those!

I have banned all chocolate from my view, they are welcome to have it in the house but it must be hidden from me!

Change takes time, maybe dont beat yourself up!
You are doing amazingly well under such difficult circumstances!
All power to you!

[portiz]

Thank you all for the support and insight that I was lacking. It's good to hear that I can let them fend for themselves w/o feeling guilty about it.

Anyone ever saw A Christmas story? That's how it was in my house when I was growing up. I don't think my mom ever had a hot meal until both my sister and I moved out. And that's how it's beginning to feel for me; not necessarily the hot meal, but rather, just the fact that I'd like to sit down and enjoy my meal w/o someone bugging me.

On a side note, I showed Megan a picture of me last night when I had first met my BF during my 160 lb "phase" (need to post that) compared to how I look now. My BF and I had gone to Cancun and I was wearing shorts and bikini top and we were sitting down while someone snapped our picture--my gut hanging out and large thighs). Just the expression on her face was priceless. I told her that over the course of almost 3 years, I began to take a serious look at my health and eating habits. I told her what I had done over those years and how I came across this site among countless other resources that have helped me understand the concept of "being healthy" vs. "looking healthy."
It wasn't really preaching to her but more of an "update" to our previous conversations. :)

[Sharon in Colorado]

On a side note, I showed Megan a picture of me last night when I had first met my BF during my 160 lb "phase" (need to post that) compared to how I look now. My BF and I had gone to Cancun and I was wearing shorts and bikini top and we were sitting down while someone snapped our picture--my gut hanging out and large thighs). Just the expression on her face was priceless. I told her that over the course of almost 3 years, I began to take a serious look at my health and eating habits. I told her what I had done over those years and how I came across this site among countless other resources that have helped me understand the concept of "being healthy" vs. "looking healthy."
It wasn't really preaching to her but more of an "update" to our previous conversations. :)

You will definately have an effect on her with that. No doubt.

Please keep us updated on your situation with your BF's son.

[portiz]

Yeah...when I took her to get registered at her high school, we were sitting in the lobby watching everyone go from one class to the next. She, of course, fixated on the long legged, blonde, "fu-fi", girly ones. Megan is petite, brown/red hair, and kinda mousy looking. She has a complex about it already. She's still very pretty.
I always like showing that picture to people to show how much i've changed. although 40 lbs doesn't seem like alot over the course of almost 3 years, it has stayed off and it was taken off reasonably. And i made sure i pointed that out to her.

[Tirza]

I might as well pop in with my .02 worth too.

For sure you have given the girlfriend a lot to think about, since girls that age are usually very concerned about their bodies, if not their health. I don't know if she is super slim, or pleasantly rounded, but either way, seeing your pics would totally impress her.

I think you should relax. Like some others said, let it develop. It is their choice what they eat, as it is yours. You make your own decisions. With the information you have gathered, you have decided to be very high raw, and not 100% at this point. They are doing what they choose at this point as well. If the children were first of all yours, and very young, you would hold the decision-making power and be able to feed them what you want to. But they aren't either one, so don't worry. They will have to develop through their own experiences. Not to say we can't acquaint them with options in a non-confrontational way though.

You can experiment and find quite a few raw dishes that they actually like, and rotate those throughout the week or month on a basis of every other day, or every third day or so. That way you are preparing some of the meals for them and they won’t feel too hard done by. I see that you would feel you want to and should prepare your boyfriend’s meals, given the information you shared. HE’S not the problem it seems, since he supports you, pays for the food, and even enjoys some of it. You can make your own decision as to whether you can bear to prepare their SAD foods (that you DO NOT buy). But I wouldn’t feel it was a SIN or something to prepare SAD food for those who decide they want it. They might be "wooed" to want to change gradually, but not brow-beaten. We can really get too hysterical about others I think. Having said that, though, there is NO EXCUSE for snotty comments from a kid who is living under your (1/2) roof, presumably benefitting from a lot of your housekeeping and perhaps money. That is not cool or repectful. His dad should point that out to him - pointedly. You can suggest it to him - pointedly. There is no excuse for verbal abuse. If he feels you are encroaching on his freedom of choice by coming down too hard about health etc, then maybe you should try to back off a bit. But that still doesn't excuse him.

You might find yourself tempted to shift the blame onto them for your slip-ups. It is not their fault.

If they smoke and you don’t want to, you don’t have to-even if you used to and it is VERY hard for you to be around it. If they drink and you don’t want to, you don’t have to-even if you used to and it is VERY hard for you to be around it. If they take drugs and you don’t want to, you don’t have to-even if you used to and it is VERY hard for you to be around it. If they want to eat garbage food, and you don’t want to, you don’t have to-even if you used to and it is VERY hard for you to be around it.
But if you choose to eat some junk or even just regular cooked food every now and then-it is your choice, it is not their "fault" for making you shop for it, prepare it, see it, smell it. You want them to make intelligent choices about their health, but you have to as well, regardless of the surrounding circumstances. You do the best you can for yourself.

I came across this thought-provoking thing the other day from Revvell's newsletter:


"I picked up a book I'm reading by Byron Katie called "Loving What Is".
...The first thing I read was: "I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God's. (For me, God means "reality." Reality is God because it rules. Anything that's out of my control, your control and everyone else's control ~ I call that God's business.)"
The reason this was relevant to me is because of a post in a forum I responded to recently where a woman complains about how people disrespect her. This is an ongoing complaint from her. I, and others, suggested she's drawing this to her. Her response was.. when do they take responsibility for THEIR actions?
Well, in my experience, that's really none of my business. My business is MY response to what's going on in MY life.
Byron Katie puts it this way: "Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business. When I think, "You need to get a job, I want you to be happy, ; you should be on time; you need to take better care of yourself," I am in your business. When I'm worried about earthquakes, floods, war or when I will die, I am in God's business..... I realized that every time in my life that I had felt hurt or lonely, I had been in someone else's business."
Katie continues: "If you understand the three kinds of business enough to stay in your own business, it could free your life in a way that you can't even imagine. The next time you're feeling stress and discomfort, ask yourself whose business you're in mentally, and you may burst out laughing. That question can bring you back to yourself."
I have found this to be true just recently and find myself wondering how my life will change if I just stay in my own business... and how to do that sometimes. Sometimes I think I can control outcomes and I'm smarter than others and they can't live their lives without my input. How arrogant can one be?"