I've been overweight my entire life...

[luna99]

and I think there is a part of me that is kinda scared/nervous/excited/uneasy about being thin.

do any of you know what I mean?

all I've ever known for pretty much 30 years is being an overweight girl and I never thought of myself as a physical being and ignored my physical self until my late 20's

I've always been that "cute, quirky, fun girl" that girls were never threatened by and men thought of as a cute girl but no one they would ever really date.

Now, here I am at 30 years old and I don't really care anymore about what people think of me... but, I've never been the thin, skinny girl and I wonder if maybe somewhere deep inside me I'm scared of it.

does anyone want to discuss the emotional side to raw foods and losing weight with me? have you been there as well? do you know what I mean?

thanks so much everyone!

[RawFoodieMom]

Marci... I know exactly what you mean. You have reminded me of some of my own feelings that I really need to come to terms with.

You see, I "discovered" raw over a year and a half ago. I've made several attempts at going raw, and find just now feel like I'm finally "there" mentally and that it will stick this time.

During previous attempts at going raw, I would last about 2 weeks at 100%, and then I would get really scared. There were times I thought it was because I was scared of detox symptoms... and I am actually, especially emotional detox because I'm a very emotional person. But now thinking back, I think a big part of it is I'm terrified of CHANGE. I'm not talking a new couch of course, I'm talking about major, life-altering change. Being healthy for the first time in my life. I'm afraid of finally having energy to do the things I want to do in my life. I'm afraid of no longer having an excuse not to do certain things because I'm too big, have no energy, am depressed, not motivated, etc... It's like I'm actually afraid to be happy. I've convinced myself in the past, somehow, that I don't deserve to be happy. Because I've slacked off on so many things in my life. I got so depressed failing on yo-yo dieting for the past 17 years that I've convinced myself I'm a complete failure and I don't deserve any better. But... Now I've decided different.

I KNOW there's a thin, healthy, vibrant chick in here that NEEDS TO GET OUT!

AND SHE DESERVES TO GET OUT!

AND SO DO YOU! :)

I have over 100 lbs to lose, but it's starting to come off, I've only just started!

(Ummmm... holy confession, Batman... Did I just type ALL that? LOL! I hope it helps. :) )

Debra

[thevoyager]

i know what you mean. when i turned 18 two years ago i moved to a big city from a small town, up until that point i had tried to keep my weight down, but when i moved there, i gained 30 lbs in a really short period of time, and it was a way of unconciously "protecting" myself. (during the beginning of my residence there i got harassed a lot) but nobody messed with me after i put on all of the weight. i've dropped 20 lbs since going raw, and am already getting comments i'm uncomfortable with and that makes it really hard. and i'm not even THIN!

[Ariannah]

I'm a little reluctant to post this, but I want to be honest.

When I was pondering what got me off raw in 2006, I realized it was not "cravings" nor any thing else. I had lost over 50 pounds in the 7 months between 2005-2006 (I discovered raw only a few months before you RFM). People who saw me that much thinner seemed star struck with me, and wanted to talk about nothing else. They'd be gushing over me and it made me uncomfortable. I kept waiting for it to get old (and I hadn't even become that thin - I was in size 14s), but I wasn't patient enough - I'm sure the hoopla would have died down if I had.

There were aspects of my life that I wanted back, and being part of the woodwork was one of them. But I expected any social aspect to be at least centered around other things besides my "former weight vs new weight." Did people care that I knit, play guitar, like certain books, could comment on current news events? No, they just wanted to find out what magic pill took away my flab.

When I went off raw, and the flab started coming back, people stopped being drawn to me like a magnet :D

Now, I want my health back - and just because I was a spinless people pleaser back then, does NOT mean I have to be one now! I plan on just rolling with the punches, meeting people where they are and asserting MY topics of conversation into a social gathering.

I don't want to place the blame on other people - but I must say that aspect was a huge catalyst for my choices.

[merfie]

i've been chubby most of my life, i guess...i look back at high school photos and i look GREAT, but at that time in life i thought i was chubby (all of my friends were stick figures and i had a figure)...then i became chubby in college, too much beer and late night pizza and not enough exercise. i never really tried too hard to lose weight, my diet changed a bit after college and i've always been athletic. i've always been comfortable in my own skin. i think another part had to do with society and my mother's comments about my "weight" so i refused to "kill" myself to be thin for anyone...

now that i'm 31 and ready to change my life for me, ready to be healthy...i am becoming thinner just by being raw, not because i'm trying to lose weight, but i have to say the feeling and tons of comments have been amaZING!

[misslinda]

Luna99, I'm curious, what ar you afraid will happen when you achieve this healthy thin wieght?

;)

[thevoyager]

this is a great discussion, it's nice to know i'm not alone. i really suggest motivational e-books as they help me a lot(the free one on the secret is great) as well as 7 habits of highly effective people, and many more, let me know if you are interested. they help SO much in all aspects of life. it's all in the attitude and the mindset really.

edit: another comment-since i've been raw, losing weight, and healthier, i have noticed i am more positive towards other peoples health successes and so many coworkers come to me for motivation. it's true, most people will be happy to hear what you have to say. those that don't are just struggling with their own health issues. before i was raw i would be so frustrated when other people would succeed and i wouldn't. just remember, we've all been there.

[Firicia]

I think yes, I WAS afraid. I am not as much now, and working on that every day. I kept putting off everything I wanted and was afraid to fail at becuz I "needed to lose weight before I could do anything about my dreams"

That was such a huge lie I told myself. It was hard to with so many people around me putting me down for being "fat" including my bf at one time and my roomies also. I felt in a way by staying "fat" I was rebelling against what they were saying about how women aren't worth anything unless they are thin and perfect(and how I wasn't worth anything not perfect either).

I feel I am compleatly coming around, and it did take years, to see that it's all about me. Forget those other people! I spent so much time forgetting my dreams trying to be with my bf that I was covering it up with food, and when he said he wished i was skinny and that I wan't as attractive as he'd like I really lost myself in food more. He's not like that anymore, but it's hard to forget what he said, I only hope I can come to forgive. But for now I am no longer being "fat" becuz I am scared to live my life, or scared that becuz of that I'll follow my dreams and my bf and me will break up. It's not worth worrying about those things for me.

Sorry that was long, I just needed to get some stuff out. Especially the stuff about my bf that is still really hurting me... so yes, I was scared, but I'm saying "was" cuz I moving on with it and dealing with it, the more I say was the more it is was.

[KatK]

If I get skinny, maybe people won't like me just because of me, and not because I'm fat.

[chilove]

Great thread guys!!! This is issue is huge! As a former life long "big girl" who is now very thin by a lot of people's standard (I'm 5ft 7in and 120 lbs) I can tell you that it isn't scary at all really. It just takes some adjustment. I still identify in some ways as a big girl and I'm sure I always will. It took me about a year or so to get used to my physical appearance. You will get more attention from men, but it hasn't been anything too overwhelming. People do eventually stop commenting on your weight loss, they get used to the new you.

I have to go to school now, but I'll try to write more later. :-)

All the best,

Audrey
www.rawhealing.com

[Ariannah]

Thank you Audrey! Very inspiring!


Great thread guys!!! This is issue is huge! As a former life long "big girl" who is now very thin by a lot of people's standard (I'm 5ft 7in and 120 lbs) I can tell you that it isn't scary at all really. It just takes some adjustment. I still identify in some ways as a big girl and I'm sure I always will. It took me about a year or so to get used to my physical appearance. You will get more attention from men, but it hasn't been anything too overwhelming. People do eventually stop commenting on your weight loss, they get used to the new you.

I have to go to school now, but I'll try to write more later. :-)

All the best,

Audrey
www.rawhealing.com

[BGVDiva]

Now create a mantra

The recipe is as follows

i easily _________(insert good habit here, action, or good belief here) because it rewards me with such wonderful__________(insert your reward here).


hypnocmt: This is some great work you've done there. I've just spent the last 20 minutes working on a few of my own mantras and I'm already feeling empowered! Thanks for sharing!

[Veganforlife]

I had a hard time, well, not a hard time, but it was "different" getting used to folks saying, your getting thinner. I too have never been thin. Ever. As a kid, I was a chubby tap and ballerina (not a pretty picture, huh?).
Now that I've dropped 40 + pounds I take on those compliments. An ex-boss (female) stopped by the other day and said, "You're wasting away to nothing." Well, not really, I have a lot to "waste" yet, but I'm assuming that was some kind of compliment. From her, yes, it was.
I FEEL good. Dropping the weight is secondary to FEELING good. I have never FELT good my entire 53 years. Migraines. And six years ago a dead thyoird. Now both are healing. Migraines are totally gone. Thyroid is now functioning.
I FEEL good.
I welcome this feeling!

[luna99]

Luna99, I'm curious, what ar you afraid will happen when you achieve this healthy thin wieght?;)


wow.. who knows really? maybe I"m scared to see that being thin isn't going to solve all my problems. maybe I'm scared to start really getting attention from men and what I'll do with it. maybe I'm scared that even as a thin person, I won't achive all the things I dream about doing and being.

I know I want to be and feel healthy and alive and help others and be able to buy CUTE clothing...but at the same time, there must be something inside me that's afraid of it .. or else why would I be this way still? The only other option I can think of is maybe I have a food addiction.

I just never thought of myself in the physical realm at all until recently. As a teenager and in my early 20's I was very much an emotional person... everything was about "feeling"... hell, I"m a cancer for God's sake! lol... but I've started to realize while all that feeling and deep inner thinking and reflecting is good... now is the time for me to balance it out... and focusing on the opposite is exactly what I need now... focusing on the physical!

anyway, it feels good to know a lot of you relate. I think maybe in this age we are in today.... most people don't think of the physical self anymore.. we're all online so much... kids are playing video games instead of playing in their neighborhoods like they used to.. we get up and drive in our cars to work, sit at a desk for eight hours, drive home again, and lay on the couch.. it's no wonder people are in the shape they are in... Ok, i've totally gotten off topic sort of.. haha.

either way, even if I am scared of being thin... I DO know that in life.. usually those things you are scared of are the VERY THINGS you should face if you want to grow and evolve as a person.... so I"m going to do just that.

thanks everyone. :)

[finallyfree]

This thread is just fantastic...all this stuff has been on my mind the past few days. It is always a little scary to be open and honest with others, but here goes.

I am 34 years old and have been very heavy all of my life and was put on my first diet, by my mother, when I was 10 years old. By the time I was in high school, I was 250 lbs, and at age 18 - I reached my highest weight ever of 298. I had two "thin" sisters and was constantly compared to them and constantly had my food intake monitored or commented on. So I totally know what it feels like to be heavy all ones life, and I understand the emotional impact of being an obese child.

I too have noticed that when I think about being thin - it is really scary. In part for me, I think its about identity - being overweight has been my identity for so many years that really lby losing weight I am carving out a whole new person and changing such a fundamental part of myself, namely my body. It is scary to get the attention from everyone - especially men - when you have never really had that kind of attention.

I don't know if anyone else will be able to relate to this, but some of my thoughts/fears about losing weight are:

Thinking to myself - hey I actually am kind of pretty (feels somehow arrogant to me - not something I want to be).

I can do so much now that I couldn't do before - why did I keep myself in that prison for so long (anger, guilt, shame).

I am getting attention now from other people and from men - so am I only good enough for them now that I am thin (anger towards the way I and others are treated as larger people).

Well, I could go on, but you get the idea Luna99 - this is something that obviously a lot of us share. I was just doing some research on the net yesterday and I came across a book that looked very, very interesting and intend on getting and reading this book. The title of the book is: Rescuing the Emotional Lives of Overweight Children: What Our Kids Go Through - And How We Can Help.

Now, while this book is directed towards helping children, I think it would be beneficial to read for all of us who have been affected emotionally by being overweight or obese.

Thanks to everyone who had the courage to post on this thread.

Finallyfree

[merfie]

wow.. who knows really? maybe I"m scared to see that being thin isn't going to solve all my problems. maybe I'm scared to start really getting attention from men and what I'll do with it. maybe I'm scared that even as a thin person, I won't achive all the things I dream about doing and being.

:)

of course thin won't solve all your problems, we're human, we are still healing problems from generations...all you can do is the best that you can. I have to say that the healthier I get the more connected to the creator I become and the more I feel my fears release as well as my "problems." It's like the movie "The Secret" in a way, once you change your mindset everything around you begins to change. One day I woke up and the lightbulb went on, CLICK, I am not my body, it is mine to take care of. All of the truly amazing things that I feel I am to do in this world come from my soul...I feel like the lightbulb was lit by my soul's fire, I've been moving in this direction for years, it was time for me to heal my body to get ready for the next step..."thin" for me just happens to be a wonderful addition to healing.

[Ariannah]

I'm wanting to be thin because I know it will feel good. However, having been both heavy (obese, even, my highest weight was 270) and thinner in the same body and same brain is a real eye opener. People do treat you differently, and I wonder if they are even aware of weight being a factor.

It felt odd being suddenly worthy of being talked to at social events whereas before, the same set of people kind of passed me over when it came to people to hang with. Odd, because my non-food interests have kind of always been the same. But suddenly I got interesting somehow. :rolleyes: Seems to be a running theme whenever I lose weight (I've lost greater than 50 pounds twice in my life). This time I am waiting for other people to tire of the subject when the idea of me being ex-fat is old news.

I'm not going off raw, so there's no "target weight" when I am stopping eating this way. My body will settle where it's comfortable.

However, I am now no longer wasting time, breath, energy worrying about how other people are going to suddenly respond to me being thinner. I'm not doing it to score new friends, find "a man" (I'm married! and happily so!), I'm just enjoying being able to be more limber and active with my children. It rocks. I am doing this because I have faith and I want to be healthy and happy. It's not about "weight loss". Naturally, my body will shed the flab when I'm treating it correctly.

[rawpriestess]

this exact thing happened to me last year, I've been about 260 lbs. for about 20 years, off and on. I got down to 204 once, in 1989, I left my husband of 12 years.

last year I got down to 203, and my hubby left me (different guy, but very similar in looks, mannerisms, voice, etc.) YIKES!!!

so I sabotaged myself royally, and have been struggling getting back on 100% raw ever since.

so, it IS a boundary issue for me.

Now, I don't believe in coincidence, so It's not that, I do believe in synchronisity and I do believe that everything happens perfectly in the Universe, and that I manifest my future with my thoughts right this minute.

So, I am choosing to release the need for excess weight on my body, and to heal all things in my physical, emotional and spiritual body to facilitate the changes in me that I so richly deserve.

or something like that!

[SkinniMinni]

Great topic! I can totally relate to this as well - having been overweight and/or dieting since the age of 8 (yuck!) with a top weight of 271.

Over the last year and a half, I have lost 85lbs myself - but recently gained back about 20lbs. I think this happened because as I was nearing my goal weight that 'fear of skinny' became too much for me. I think my fear is coming from the fact that I have not been 'thin' in my entire adult life and I don't think the thin version of me has an identity. I try to do the visualization exercises, but I can't picture this 'thin version of myself' as I've never seen or or been her. I don't know the 'thin me' - she's a stranger! I'm not quite sure how to get past this either, as I know the reason I am keeping about 40 extra pounds on me is that I still feel that I know who the fatter version of me is - and I am fearful of the stranger I would become.

It's weird I know, and I've spent boatloads on therapy, hypnosis etc. and can't seem to make a connection to the my 'thinner self'. It's tricky - and just goes to show how much of our weight issues are controlled by our mind and emotions and not always about food.

[maui_butterfly]

something i read recently that really resonated with me is how people who have struggled with weight issues their whole lives tend to be "empathic" types. and this aspect of the self must be addressed for weight loss to "stick".

specifically some of us have learned to move our energy fields in and around the energy fields of other people in order to check out how they are feeling. maybe we learned to do this as children in order to be safe, or to get what we wanted, or just innocently to learn about or understand our environment. (i personally learned this defense mechanism to be safe and keep my younger siblings safe while growing up with a mentally ill father. if you look up empathetic in the dictionary, there's a picture of me. i can walk into a room and read people instantly. a "skill" that has helped me be successful in certain ways.) the downside of this is that we open our energetic fields up, and as a result let other people's moods or energies unduly affect us, have difficulty setting emotional/physical boundaries, etc.

empathic types use eating to numb themselves out from the barrage of energetic inputs, and use fat put a physical distance between themselves and others, literally. a cushion from the negative vibes, if you will.

so the idea is to overcome being UNCONSCIOUSLY empathic in favor of being INTENTIONALY connected to others.

intention/affirmation:

i am safe and protected from the energy of other people. i release the unconscious drive to be empathic with others. i intend to be consciously connected to others if and when i choose to be.

i release my physical "cushion" of body fat. instead i now consciously install a cushion of energy around myself. i intend to interact with others in a way that keeps my energetic and emotional boundaries intact.

[rubyhair]

i completely know what you mean. i too am scared of being skinny. i cant relate to being skinny because i never have been.


something i read recently that really resonated with me is how people who have struggled with weight issues their whole lives tend to be "empathic" types. and this aspect of the self must be addressed for weight loss to "stick".

specifically some of us have learned to move our energy fields in and around the energy fields of other people in order to check out how they are feeling. maybe we learned to do this as children in order to be safe, or to get what we wanted, or just innocently to learn about or understand our environment. (i personally learned this defense mechanism to be safe and keep my younger siblings safe while growing up with a mentally ill father. if you look up empathetic in the dictionary, there's a picture of me. i can walk into a room and read people instantly. a "skill" that has helped me be successful in certain ways.) the downside of this is that we open our energetic fields up, and as a result let other people's moods or energies unduly affect us, have difficulty setting emotional/physical boundaries, etc.

empathic types use eating to numb themselves out from the barrage of energetic inputs, and use fat put a physical distance between themselves and others, literally. a cushion from the negative vibes, if you will.

so the idea is to overcome being UNCONSCIOUSLY empathic in favor of being INTENTIONALY connected to others.

intention/affirmation:

i am safe and protected from the energy of other people. i release the unconscious drive to be empathic with others. i intend to be consciously connected to others if and when i choose to be.

i release my physical "cushion" of body fat. instead i now consciously install a cushion of energy around myself. i intend to interact with others in a way that keeps my energetic and emotional boundaries intact.

wow, i really identify with this. i've known that i use my weight as a barrier but i never thought about it like that. i'm really affected by other peoples energy. i let it upset me and i'm just starting to realize and figure out how to stop that. that was enlighting. thank you.

[futureboy]

I've never been crazy overweight but I've always had a tummy since I turned 20 or so. Now after 14 days 100% raw people are commenting how thin I'm getting. I'm excited! But it is nervous. I remember a year ago when I started putting on muscle (on SAD), girls were noticing me more and saying they wanted me to take my shirt off. That was freaky... but at the same time felt good. Then I got more comfortable meeting women and they started talking to me more often--on their own without me provoking them. And then another time last year I started dressing much better for work and people would suddenly treat me differently.

In every case, it's almost like I'm discovering a new power within myself. Unfortunately I lost the muscle and lost the confidence (damn depression go away!), and I gained the weight back after stopping working out... and started dressing sloppingly again. Now I'm changing my course AGAIN and heading back towards that much happier destination, where I feel I'm in more control of my life.

People get comfortable in ruts. People stay in marriages for years when they are miserable, but they've "invested so much into it" already. People get depressed and blame the world, then they always have that excuse to be depressed because of some external factors. Once they start leaving those comfort zones, they might feel threatened or scared.

I haven't reached that point yet with raw: people are noticing my weight loss, but I haven't experienced any crazy emotional detox yet or any glowing skin. Or crazy energy. Or super happiness. I'm waiting for these all. :)

But when I get there... will I be scared? Probably.

[StarFire]

I noticed this thread was bumped up....

cool topic actually. I think alot of us have used weight as a barrier -- a protection of sorts from whatever 'fears' we have lurking within us....

me too.... there is definitely a difference in how people treat you when you are thin verses chubby.

When I first went raw - I still wore all my baggy clothes - sweat pants, baggy sweat shirts (even to work)... then one day I put on a skirt and tank top and people stopped and stared like I had just walked out of the house naked! :eek: ....

having that kind of attention was very odd.... very uncomfortable. Especially my dh's friends who didn't look twice at me were making comments to dh about how great I looked and how 'lucky' he was .... very odd... I've known these SAME GUYS FOR WHAT... 8 years??? and suddenly they 'saw' me??? very weird.

I'm working thru that - coming to terms with people staring... strangely enough - when I was skinny and living on the mainland - my parents told me -- people stare because they don't know what you are. You're not white (we lived in a white neighborhood)...

but here I was not 'obviously' japanese, not obviously black, or anything else the neighbors were familiar with... b/c I'm such a mix plate! (Mom was okinawan/Hawaiian and my dad was puerto rican/hawaiian/black/spanish)... so I confused people!

when I got heavy - it was like I disappeared - I was no longer seen! I was part of the wall paper -- I was invisible! now that the weight is dropping off... people are noticing again... very strange... I've been here all this time... But -- it's just me... fat or thin.... it's just me...!!

perhaps when we are fat -- we are willing ourselves 'invisible'... cuz we're so unhappy with ourselves. but as our 'protection' disappears and we become visible again... we have to realize that it's time to 'OWN' our POWER and stand up and be counted...

http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s43/FireStar_830/shy.gif ... okay... count me in! I can do this!!

[luna99]

wow, thanks for bumping this up guys.

I do have to say I'm feeling a bit better about myself physically lately even though I probably still weigh about the same as I did when I posted this.. I think it's because I have been focusing on eating healthy, working out.. and I feel a shift in my thinking .. I'm actually giving thought to my physical self more which I NEVER used to do.

I still have a long way to go though.. to get to the point I want to be at.. where I am shining with happiness and feel COMPLETELY confident in my physical self.

I hope this thread helps others who feel the same ... it's a tough thing to get over when you have seen yourself a certain way all of your life.

[SuBu]

Years ago I lost 80 lbs in 5 mos. It was so fast that I never felt comfortable with that person (the thin me). I even told my husband-to-be that "this is not the real me". He didn't understand and could not understand why I put the weight (and more) back on. I am a different person thin. I want to find her again and have FUN. I've hidden behind my fat self all my life. Everything that has been said on these posts is a part of my life. I am looking forward to the NEW me. I don't think I'll be afraid of her this time around.

[futureboy]

I'm looking forward to it. I will feel uncomfortable at first, but I know in the long run it will lead to a brighter future and a more confident me. Tomorrow is my first intense kettlebell workout. Onward!

[rawxstasy]

I can definitely relate to this thread. I weighed 186 last May and am down to 155. I have had a hard time losing weight past 160 pounds. I noticed that was about the point when I started getting more attention from men and women. I did suffer sexual abuse as a child, and I believe I've been protecting myself with all the fat. I have been working with a therapist for a year now and we have just started working on my issues with being attractive and people looking at me. And I totally agree, before I lost these 30 pounds, I was almost invisible. Now suddenly people "see" me and I'm not used to that. Raw has helped me be aware of my body and emotions and I notice when I"m uncomfortable with attention, I can feel the anxiety level increase and then I want to start reaching for a slice of roast beef. (ick! ) I think it couldn't hurt to see a professional if you are really uncomfortable with these feelings.


Check out my raw journey on
www.myspace.com\rawxstasy

[futureboy]

I say bring it on! Let's confront our worries head-on. Eventually we'll realize they aren't that bad after all. External validation is a good way to reinforce your inner game: that all your effort in going raw, working out, taking care of yourself, etc. is paying dividends.

I for one welcome all the crazy emotional detox and benefits that raw will bring me. Bring it. :)

"No prisoners! No mercy!"

[Stina]

Now, I might not be entirely comfortable with men flirting with me, somewhat enjoy it, but I do understand it. What I've had a harder time wrapping my mind around is that women are more positive and responsive to me. I swear, women are just as guilty of "Lookism" as men, if not more.

However, aren't we truly blessed to have a forum like this to explore a topic of this nature? Good thread.

[RawHeaven]

----------

[Antari]

Years ago I lost 80 lbs in 5 mos. It was so fast that I never felt comfortable with that person (the thin me). I even told my husband-to-be that "this is not the real me". He didn't understand and could not understand why I put the weight (and more) back on. I am a different person thin. I want to find her again and have FUN. I've hidden behind my fat self all my life. Everything that has been said on these posts is a part of my life. I am looking forward to the NEW me. I don't think I'll be afraid of her this time around.

I could have written that! I have just found this thread and completely resonate will all said on it.


perhaps when we are fat -- we are willing ourselves 'invisible'... cuz we're so unhappy with ourselves. but as our 'protection' disappears and we become visible again... we have to realize that it's time to 'OWN' our POWER and stand up and be counted...

Well said Starfire.

Lets jusy hope this thread doesn't disappear again and we can learn from all these different people with the same 'problems'.

[crystalmoon]

I am so grateful to have seen this thread i can relate to soomuch of what has been said.
Maui butterfly...wow this is so true about the way i am in life...this has to change...I will use these affirmations...thankyou.
Luna99 Im a cancerian with cancer rising so i totally know what you mean I am alos struggling to move away from 'feeling' everything so deeply...it is holding me back from life.

I have been though the super anorexic skinny to the 207lbs I am now sveral times in my life (actually 207Lbs is the heaviest Ive ever been but Ive gained & lost loads of weight several times over). The shifts in weight are always associated with emotional turmoil. I am ususally skinny when having a very bad experience in life so maybe I associate thinness with unhappiness?
I grew up in a dangerous household of addiction & mental illness. Being skinny made me feel safe & invisible. i gained some weight when I escaped home & became nicely rounded...i couldnt cope with male attention so I got very skinny again. Then I got married & felt abit safer (even though he was violent...how mad I have been in the past!). he was a jealous man & so i got fatter, alot fatter & then he didnt acuse me of having affairs or flirting. When i left him i lost over 40lbs in 3 months...again I couldnt cope with the attention...alot of the married women I thought were my friends shunned me like I was suddenly a threat to have around. I gained weight again & women wanted to know me again, especially slim women...like its cool for them to have a fat mate!
And so it has gone on like this for so many years...put on weight when a man I am with becomes violent (think the fat helps me hide the crushed me), lose loads of weight ewhen i break up with them...yadda yadda yadda
Things changed the last time I was in a long term relationship...my bf had an affair & went off with my so called best friend. This truly devastated me. I decided i wouldnt ever bother with a man again & up to today i havent...Ive been celibate for nearly 4 years & havent even held a mans hand in that time. I allowed myself to get really big...no one really sees me at this weight...Im not large enough to make people stop & stare...Im not slim enough to be a person people crave to know so i wander invisibly through life!
Over the last 4 years I have lost & regained the same 30lbs, it is fear of being hurt, fear of being someone new, fear of letting men into my life & also new female friends who might betray me again, fear fear fear makes me self sabotage every time. With raw that fear comes up quicker cos the weight loss is quicker. I manage 100% for two weeks at a time then freaked by losing 9-14lb so quickly :(
I really want this pattern to stop. thank you all for sharing such deep & personal things you have truly helped me today. I am weeping as i type this, I so need to be free of the madness & you have all helped me to really see what I have been doing to myself. I need to learn how to be the real me, the one that is trapped behind my self created armour of fat.
I hope we can all find the freedom we deserve.

[RawHeaven]

Luna99 Im a cancerian with cancer rising so i totally know what you mean I am alos struggling to move away from 'feeling' everything so deeply...it is holding me back from life.

There are a lot of cancers here. :) I'm a taurus, cancer rising, capricorn moon. the cancer keeps me balanced but also tends to make me want to help everyone in sight! i've learned to let people help themselves and oh boy has this helped me in return...i can now focus on mothering myself. And oh what a great feeling this is.

Crystalmoon, I truly appreciate you sharing your story and everyone else in this thread. I think when in the midst of these life experiences, you can feel isolated. Bringing a voice to it even if you've moved through it already, provides even greater healing. At least this is what I'm experiencing reading about the path's others have walked. You're a very strong individual.

[goodbeets]

I am reading a really good book by Francine Kuffler, Passing for Thin. She is a woman who is a recovering compulsive eater. She topped out at 268lbs. and then got herself help. The book is about how she dealt with her personality, expections others reactions, etc. as she lost weight. Cause she lost a lot of weight! It is excellent. very real and funny, too. She really let's us in. I got it through my library so if you don't have the mula, ask if your library has it or if you can do an inter-library loan. It is her story but a bit of a road map to showing that there will be emotions attatched to weight loss, not just the happy "i am so skinny" ones.

[trinity082482]

Yes. I am the same way! I battled with weight and the fear of getting skinny. I didnt know what I would look like how I would feel and how people would treat me when I became thin. A part of me always saw being big as negative but also saw being thin as negative. I am still scared of being under 125.. maybe that is why my progress is at a stand still... I sabotosh any efforts of becoming smaller than I am. It's brutal and I dislike it very much but I try to push through it by telling me self being heavier is not me. It never has felt like me.

[GoingtoRAW]

I don't know if I would say that I am afraid to get thin necessarily (I could actually be in serious denial about that). I know that I don't like any kind of attention drawn to me. I am one of those people who other people say "oh, you have such a pretty face" and I know they are probably thinking "too bad you're so fat". I don't even like the attention I get due to people just looking at my face. It embarasses me and I sometimes wonder what will happen if I ever get to my goal weight. I will probably go and hide under a rock. Well, at least I'll be able to fit!:D

[northernstars]

This topic is something that I really needed! All the wonderful comments and worries expressed are so healing for me, too. Thanks.
Sharon

[Florawithoutmuchfauna]

I hear ya sister, I've been overweight since my early teens and I've still yet to feel truly comfortable in my own skin ..so to speak. But can I just say overweight or not you are one beautiful girl. If I looked half as good as you I wouldn't care what people would say about me either . :D

[crystalmoon]

Thank you Crystalzgoneraw for your encouragement. It means such alot to me.

[missthomas86]

I can so relate as i have always been overweight too. Im 21, and enjoy the thought of being thin and want to be thin. I think im the opposite of you though because im not always comfortable in my skin. I sometimes dont want to look at myself in the mirror (full body) because im not happy with my weight. Of course i believe im pretty or at least i know i have a pretty face. I know i sound like im bashing myself, but these are just true thoughts i have. My boyfriend is so supportive and has been with me nearly 2 years. He has been there when i was 245lbs then lost the 45lbs and gained 20lbs back. He is the biggest support i have right now, but in the end its up to me to change what i dont like about me. I have been having trouble with my eating as when i eat some raw im satisfied to a degree, but when i eat cooked food i go crazy and get tones of craving. In my case i guess raw is unfamiliar to me. Even though i have researched the crap out of it, it still seems foreign. I just want to love myself and my body regardless of what weight i am. Im really indecisive most of the time and want to have a level mind. Sometimes i wish i would never had come across raw, veganism or veg but then i know i came across all of this for a reason.

Im learning how to keep myself motivated or on the right path because i know raw is the best thing i could do for myself and my health. Its to the point to where i wish i was that person that loved raw veggies, etc and was naturally thin. I guess all i can do is work on the mental and the physical will come. It helps to have websites such as these but when i cut off the internet its a totally different world. I guess all there is to do is to continue to pray and ask for help or seek help. I know i am going to reach my goal one of these days i just hope/pray its sooner and not later.

www.myspace.com/june031986 add me as your friend!!!

[maui_butterfly]

I just want to love myself and my body regardless of what weight i am.

fact is our bodies are always perfect. 500 lbs, 105 lbs, perfect. its our thoughts that make us suffer. bodies don't have any problems with themselves. they don't beat themselves up or shame themselves. they simply try to keep themselves balanced and healthy. efficient, smart, complex, amazing machines.

i am as guilty as anyone of often waiting to truly live "until"... until my body is thinner, until my house is clean, until i have more money, until later. what if later never comes? what if i never arrive? i don't want to spend my life like a hampster on a wheel. its all well and good to pursue better health and fitness and all those things, but i know from experience that won't ever make me feel free. the mind is the true frontier, the only place peace and happiness with our bodies can be found. free yourself from the thoughts about how your body (or your bank account or whatever) should be different then it is RIGHT NOW and you free yourself today. that's a freedom that is accessible to everyone, fat people, skinny people, old people, young people, sick people, healthy people, poor people, rich people, "raw" people, "cooked" people.

how would you live today if you were incapable of thinking the thought "i should be thinner/healthier/prettier/younger"? would you be lighter, would you smile more, would you flirt, would you dance?

[missthomas86]

I honestly dont know what i would do if i didnt wake up with thoughts of things that need to be done or improved. My mind needs to be freed from alot. I am not as happy as i know i could be. Thanks for that post as everything you said is true. I guess i always think of things that need to be done and that hopefully God will allow me to remain on this earth long enough to achieve them vs. what can i do to make me happy and live stress free with little worries while i have time to live. Something to think about.

[ski bumette]

Wow, stumbled on this thread and these postings are sooooo about me!!
When I was a small child watching home movies or browsing thru pictures my dad would always say "oh look aren't you the fat one in the group" or "there goes our little sumu wrestler". So of course listening to this day in day out naturally led to me seeing myself as that, whether in the mirror or in pictures. As a teenager girl I had tons of boyfriends and was always the "life of the party". I guess I figured if I was fat I could at least be jolly. Outwardly I was ok but inwardly I was so wanting to be normal just like all the other girls. I never dieted tho....
Then something happened.......3 years ago I showed my dd and stepd pictures of me as a small girl, a teenager and around 19/20. They both said "wow were you ever skinny back then". I had to look cuz I didn't know what pictures they were looking at cuz they obviously weren't the ones I was looking at!! But the more we looked at all the pictures and they pointed and wowed at me I started to look at the pictures thru their eyes not mine. And holy smoly!! I did actually have knobby knees and was just as thin as my 2 sisters although I was taller (I was the middle child). When I got married I was only 140lbs and got pregant weighing 150 at age 20. I call this my AHA moment! I had gained 5 lbs or so a year for 20 years and found myself at an all time high of 285 lbs. I had always blamed my dad for making me feel fat but had to take a hard look at myself and realize I was to blame. My dad was physically abusive to us and I ran away from home and lived on the streets at 17. I never lived at home again. When I look at pictures of myself from that stage on I can see a weight gain constantly on the up. I realized that he never did that to me......I did! He was never around after age 17 but I perpetuated his words from that time onwards. I carried his words with me in my head and in my heart. I became what he said I was. I had to take responsibility for what I'd become.
After that revelation boy did things change for me. I changed my eating habits and started walking every day. The weight came off slow and steady and more easily than it ever had. From age 20 to 49 I'd tried every diet and never lost any weight. I didn’t diet per say, just changed my life style and cut out all the junk. I based my food intake on the Glycemic Index. I was a size 26 pants and shirts were 3XL. For a year while I was losing I felt the difference in my body but in the mirror or window reflections I still saw a fat person. Finally one day when I was shopping and I fit into a size 13 and bam it hit me like a ton of bricks!! I had a meltdown in the change room while standing in front of the mirror. I finally saw a thinner person looking back at me. I was almost unconsoleable. It was like I didn’t exist anymore. The person I was looking at was someone I didn’t know. I felt I had lost ME, the person I’d known for 49 years.
It basically stalled me from further weight loss as I tried to learn who this new person was. My goal was to lose 120 lbs and I’m only 37 lbs from goal. I’m still trying to figure out who this new person is. As the layers of fat come off, I have to try to figure out who is under that layer. It’s a very emotional journey. I realize now that I don’t think I’ve never truly known the real me as the real me never had a chance to be. At times it’s hard to deal with all the emotions that are unleased as the pounds are shed. Sometimes it’s not a very pleasant journey but it’s one that I am happy to be on. I never know what the next day will hold. Some days are up and others are down. I figure I’m taking the scenic tour…….and it’s a heck of a ride!! I hope that someday when I am comfortable with my weight I will have finally figured out who the real me is.

[crystalmoon]

Ski wow thank you for sharing your story you have really helped me today