View Full Version : Refuses to allow Raw
12-19-2006, 01:12 PM
I was wondering if anyone else has the trouble with a spouse who refuses to allow you to give your children anything raw? My husband is very against this. If I make something for myself and offer it to the kids he goes off the deep end. He says that if I want to kill myself by eating that crap go ahead, but I won't allow you to give it to the kids. He thinks I have turned into some nut because I started eating Raw and I just love it. I'm not even asking him to let me give it to them all the time. I just wanted to try it and he freaks out. I feel really bad that I have to sneak it to them. He thinks that It's not natural to eat raw all the time. Well what does he think we did years ago before we learned to cook food? I understand that he doesn't want to try it and that is his right, but I feel I should be able to let the kids try it if they want. I'm not trying to force it on them or anyone else. I was just wondering if anyone else has had this problem and if they were able to over come it.
12-19-2006, 01:28 PM
Sorry you are having trouble with your husband. My family is not 100% raw and I respect that, but they let me eat 100% without giving me a hard time.
Before you officially "went raw", were fruits and salads considered "raw crap" or were they just one of the options of food around? In many homes I visit, people who are not raw also have apples and bananas or salads with their meals.
For our family (myself, husband, 4 children at home), experimenting with raw "cookalikes" was a flop. (Not to suggest you may be doing this, but I did, and it wasn't successful) They loved some of the veggies and dips, but they never were comfy doing 100%.
So, to satisfy both of us, I just buy an overwhelming amount of really nice fruit and salads (yes I know for us raw folk there's a lot more to it), and I let them snack on it liberally between their cooked meals. Supper now includes a generous (and I mean giant mixing bowl, tossing it means spilling it) bowl of salad which gets polished off with no leftovers by the end of the meal. I serve this in addition to their cooked food of veggie burgers and rice for example. The salad always is a hit, where the veggie burgers are ho-hum.
I make sure I put all kinds of family favorites in the salad... a nice bed of greens, apples, raisins, a sprinkling of nuts, red onions, bell peppers, shredded carrots (I know I am salivating thinking about it).... and tell them to dig in. It's their favorite part of the meal.
Most non raw folks I know eat salad and fruit too, they just don't think of it as raw or non raw. I mean, I can go into a deli and purchase a dish of grapes and watermelon and people don't ask, "What? Are you a raw foodist or something?"
I just say this as an example that if there is a clash between you and your husband over this issue, then I'd say just gradually increase the raw things you already eat, like I am doing with our salads.
It's just my own experience, though, and your family may respond entirely differently.
12-19-2006, 01:30 PM
Okay...he doesn't think it's right or healthy to eat ALL raw, ALL the time...understood as I know many (simply out of ignorance of the benefits of eating this way) feel that way. But to say that even GIVING the kids ANYthing that is raw is gonna "kill" them (or you even) is really over the top and dramatic IMHO.
I don't really know what to tell you though as I (fortunately) don't have to face that...my husband knows that this is healthy even if he chooses to not do it 100%, 100% of the time...but he definitely doesn't think it's unhealthy to do it or fight me over feeding the kids raw.
I don't quite understand...I'm almost certain that your children are eating non-raw foods too...so why would your husband get so upset with them having both, especially if they WANT it and it's healthy?
I guess you have to decide and pick and choose your battles or just continue to "sneak" if you don't want to have the confrontations with your husband.
But IF there is anyway to do it, I suppose the best thing to do is gradually and gently educate him on the benefits of eating raw foods...even if you pitch it to him in a "this is something that should be done ALL the time" manner...like, let him know even the US RDA is 5 servings of fresh fruit and veggies a day! Maybe get some scientifically-sound books and data for him to read. But he may not be interested or it may take him hearing it from someone else who (in his mind) is more "credible" than his "gone off the deep end wife" (which saddens me to think he thinks that of you)...but then again...it could also be his own personal convictions too. Maybe he really deep down inside knows this is best and that he needs to eat healthier, but he doesn't want to...he doesn't want to give up eating foods he loves and so he is "forbidding" it being fed to his children so he won't have even MORE people in the house making him (subconsciously) feel "guilty" for not improving his own eating habits.
I don't know...I'm just throwing thoughts and ideas out there.
But whatever it is...I wish nothing but the best to come out of this for you...for all of you...especially the kids! But if he is open to them eating simply fresh fruit and veggies (along with whatever else their eating) then that may be where you leave it. If you make recipes for yourself and they want some...just let them know it's there and if they want some, they can get some. Wow...I honestly don't know what to say to having to sneak and give your kids the raw prepared foods, though.
Hope it works out somehow!
12-19-2006, 01:34 PM
Yeah...see after reading Rawandnatural's post...I can see that he may feel that the raw "cookalikes" (CUTE one!) are some kind of "weird, healthnut food" and so yeah...to keep peace, stick to the fresh stuff for them, maybe even smoothies (I mean, even the unhealthiest people drink smoothies...might have milk and sugar in 'em...but they drink smoothies) and if you make something, if THEY ask for it...just kinda say, "But honey...they are asking for a taste...I'm not forcing it on them" or something like that.
Sharon in Colorado
12-19-2006, 01:38 PM
Yes, out of curiosity, what kind of raw food are they getting?
If it's lot of fresh fruits and veggies, I just can't see how he could think that is unhealthy.
I would go so far as to get them to their pediatrician to write a note prescribing more fruits and veggies in their diet. You don't have to tell the doc that you are a raw fooder, just that you feel that there's tension in your home when you try to feed your kids fresh foods.
12-19-2006, 01:50 PM
Good idea Sharon!
Sorry to hear this stuff, Denise. I don't have anything to offer, but it looks like you got some really good advice. Good luck.
12-19-2006, 03:09 PM
Thank you for your help. I guess maybe I'm just trying to hard to convince him that Raw is healthy. I spend my time trying to convince him.. Where he spends his trying to convince me that it is not. He has even gone to my doctor who also tried to convince me that I needed to go back to Sad. I found me a new doctor who supports my raw diet. She has even helped me by sending me to a Nutritionist. My vitamin levels are looking better thanks to this. I understand that he is a meat kind of person. I don't say anything about his diet unless he asks me. I would like to have a salad every evening with dinner and I would perfer they eat raw snacks between meals. But because his mother doesn't think Raw food is good for you and he never had to eat it. He thinks his kids shouldn't have to eat raw either. And of course his mom underminds me when she can. She also refuses to allow the kids anything raw when they are at her house. She feeds them anything she wants. I don't allow the kids much sweets or ice cream and every night at her house she makes them a huge sunday filled with ice cream, chocolate syurp, whip cream, ect.. This really makes me mad. I got to the point where I told him if this didn't stop I wouldn't allow the kids over there anymore. In fact for Thanksgiving I refused to allow them over and of course that has blown up into a huge fight. Almost everyday we fight about when his mom gets to see the kids. If it was up to me alone I wouldn't let them over but I can't take the fighting and screaming anymore. So she is getting them tomorrow and they won't be back till Christmas eve. I gave in because the kids told me they can't take the fighting. I'm at the point now where I want out. I'm tired of being so unhappy and the fighting all the time.
12-19-2006, 04:14 PM
This just seems so odd to me! Perhaps because I grew up in farm country and we had raw fruits and vegetables all summer. We ate it because it was plentiful and cheap!
We were told in school to end our meals with a raw carrot or raw apple to help clean our teeth. We had a green salad with every dinner, and sometimes with lunch. At parties there was always a raw veggie platter and often fresh fruit. This was just sort of normal behavior that everyone did.
Where are all these people who feel the need to cook everything? I have not met any personally. I am in contact with an older guy online who has his own garden and is convinced that he got nematodes from something raw that he ate from his garden so he is urging everyone to cook everything he eats. But then he has said a lot of other things that don't necessarily sound right to me either.
As far as "recipe" type foods that are raw, I find that the people I've made them for have liked them but didn't care whether they were raw or not. In fact when I gave someone a sample of RP's brownies and told her they were raw I thought she might be interested because runs a health food store. Her response? "But CAN you cook them though?" An odd response I thought, given that they do sell a lot of raw foods in there and she knows I am on a raw diet.
So now I just make the food and serve it. There is no discussion of whether it is raw or not unless somebody asks me.
Sharon in Colorado
12-19-2006, 04:24 PM
There is no need to fight. Sit down with your DH and CALMLY and RATIONALLY decide what the kids will be eating and then inform your loving MIL what they can and can not have, and that is what you and your DH have agreed upon.
It is up to you, you are the mother and in control of the situation, unless you allow it to get out of control.
The fighting doesn't have to happen if you do not allow it. It sounds like, from your post, you might be allowing yourself to get engaged in the drama. Don't allow it. Use self-control and confidence and it will show through, and then your MIL will keep her nose out of it.
Also your kids do not have to eat what they are told not to. If you don't want them eating ice cream and crap over there, you tell her and them.
Then you ask specifically what they ate when they come back. I would never let my mother or MIL take control of my children, if that were the case they'd be running around like sugared and porked-up monsters, spoiled and/or violent and not homeschooled. Heck, if I knew they'd be fed junk food all the time, I would not even allow sleep-overs.
These are YOUR kids.
P.S. when I wrote in the beginning to decide with your DH what they should eat, it does need to meet in the middle. If they are to have some dairy, how much and what kind? How many times a week can they have ice cream? Can they eat bread? What kind of bread? Can they have candy, how often? Be specific, write down a list of what they NORMALLY eat and what they can have once in a while and give it to your MIL. You should do this before you send them over there. You know she's going to have all kind of junk there right now, and is probably just dying to shovel it down them!
When my son was a baby, and eating his first foods, my MIL wanted to give him a pickle just so she could see him make a face. My friend wanted to give my baby daughter a lemon slice so she could see her pucker. Needless to say, I did not allow that to happen.
People can be so mindless and rude when it comes to other people's children, they seem to have little respect for the mother or father's wishes. Maybe they didn't have control over their own or something, I don't know.
12-19-2006, 07:35 PM
how old are the kids? can you ask them to note how they feel before and after a cooked then raw meal or even snack? can you try to educaste them about the benefits and allow them to choose? let them know they can say "no" to grandma with the junk food.
12-20-2006, 12:49 PM
Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about this. I hope things work out ok for you and real soon.
I think you are a wonderful mom, trying to do her best for her children. Feeding them healthy raw fruits and vegetables along with their normal food sounds like a brilliant idea. Keep up the great work!!!
12-20-2006, 01:28 PM
To be fair to your husband it sounds like you've had some challenges with weight loss and nutrition (from your other post the same day). You husband may have associated that what you've done isn't healthy, and might be attaching that to raw food as the cause and fearing that the children might have the same results. Top that with what his mother taught him and you've got a powerful combination.
One thing that you can do that will always help is be a role model of health and vitality. Show him by example that you're doing so much better, that the vitamin issues are totally dealt with. What I find for people that are having challenges with family accepting raw is that there are certain things that are normal.... fruit and veggie sticks like suggested above. Cookies and cakes that look normal (the raw cheesecakes really do it for most of my guests). Work out with him what you both agree on. Sounds like you may have your work cut out for you with his mother teaching that all cooked is healthy and optimal. Maybe pulling out food guides with recommended daily allowances of fruit etc would help.
We're all here to support you - please let us know how things go.
12-25-2006, 09:03 PM
My best advice as someone whose husband is also somewhat suspicious of the whole "raw foods" lifestyle is to BE QUIET, RESPECT your husband and his wishes and most of all LET YOUR LIFE SPEAK!
The more you try to convince him the more he will fight you. If you show him that you respect him and the fact that he really wants the best for his children (even if you believe/know that his way might not be best) he will respond with respect for you as well. No one likes to have anything crammed down their throat or to be told that they are "unhealthy" or eating "dead" food. It is the way we speak amongst other raw foodists but it is easy and relatively understandable that that kind of language might anger others who haven't traveled the same path as you have.
As you continue with your raw food lifestyle, your energy and vitality will be obvious and contagious and most of all undeniable. Your husband, MIL and most importantly your children will take note of the change in you and want to know what is up. THAT is your chance to share - wait (believe me I know this is a tall order) but wait and they WILL ask. The proof is in the putting so to speak -
Let your LIFE speak!
12-26-2006, 10:16 PM
You should continue eating as you wish.
And as for the children, when they get old enough, they will make up their own mind.
You respect your husband and his wishes and your children will respect you. Then they will learn to respect others, also. If you rebel against your husband, the children will suffer more from that experiance then they could ever suffer a few years eating sad. It's not worth the tension in the home to expect to get change that quickly. Time will heal. When the children get older, then they can make decisions and learn from the choices they have made and they will be alot healthier then if they lived with constant strife over food and the tension that creates!
Just my thoughts, that's all! :)
12-27-2006, 05:54 PM
I have issues with my boyfriend as well and what he thinks is healthy for the kids is SO NOT HEALTHY. That's one reason I gave up on it earlier this year. But I am back and honestly you have as much say (or more) on what your kids eat.
12-27-2006, 08:24 PM
I agree with several of the other posts about just keep eating raw and let you be the example to change his mind. When he sees you getting healthy and looking good he can't help but see that it is good for you.
Also if your husband is a christian try having him read in the book of Daniel chapter 1 about how Daniel asked to not have to eat the fancy food of the kings and just have vegetables and water and asked for them to a test against the others who were eating the kings food to see after 10 days who looked and felt better and after 10 days they saw that it was Daniel and his friends to they let them continue to eat the vegetables.
11*But Daniel said to the guardian whom the principal court official had appointed over Daniel, Han·a·ni´ah, Mish´a·el and Az·a·ri´ah: 12*Please, put your servants to the test for ten days, and let them give us some vegetables that we may eat and water that we may drink; 13*and let our countenances and the countenance of the children who are eating the delicacies of the king appear before you, and according to what you see do with your servants.
14*Finally he listened to them as regards this matter and put them to the test for ten days. 15*And at the end of ten days their countenances appeared better and fatter in flesh than all the children who were eating the delicacies of the king. 16*So the guardian kept on taking away their delicacies and their drinking wine and giving them vegetables.
I hope the best for you.
12-28-2006, 09:54 AM
My situation is just a little bit different. I am no longer with my son's father, so he is always trying to fight with me about what I do, and me going raw was just another thing for him to pick on. He force feeds my son hot dogs because he says that he needs meat. He tells my son that he should have candy because it's not bad for him.
Here's what I have done. First thing... educate the kids. My son is 8, but even at the youngest ages, they can understand. On his own, my son decided to go through the house and throw out all the candy. I thought he was going to be begging for candy a couple days later, but here it is, about 6 months later and he still won't eat candy. He has even had people give him candy and he either tells them no or throws it away, without me saying a word. Not that your kids will do this, but if you teach them what is healthy and give them alternatives, they will do pretty good on their own. (My son's favorite thing is dates, that among other things is his new candy)
Second thing... I tell my son to ask for what he wants. When they are at their MIL's, they can ask for water, fruit, etc. What will your hubby say if they ask for a banana? I try not to put too much burden on my son, but I do try to make him understand that sometimes he has to fight for what's right.
Third thing... Offer alternatives. If your MIL insists on giving them an ice cream sundae, offer to make the ice cream. Frozen bananas in the food processor make wonderful ice cream. I don't think there is a doctor in the world that would suggest that sugar filled ice cream is better than a banana.
Fourth thing... ask questions. I try to ask my ex why he thinks this or that is better. Then I get educated and give him my point of view. I don't try to convince him, because that won't work. But I am trying to show him that it is not something I take lightly, it's not a fad, it's something I have researched and strongly believe that it will help my health and the health of my son. Asking questions is a great way to talk to someone in a non-confrontational way.
Ok, that was way more than I thought I would write. :) I hope it helps, or at least gives you something to think about.
One more thing... about the sneaking of the food. Here's my view, I hope you don't take offense, but I don't think this is teaching your kids the best thing. I have always told my son that if someone tells him to keep something a secret, usually that means that they are doing something wrong. Even if you haven't told this to your kids, they may get that feeling anyway. "mom is doing something she shouldn't be doing, that is why she is sneaking around" I have thought about this approach too, but I decided against it because I knew it would make things worse in the long run.
Become a poster child for raw foods. Let your new found health and energy speak for itself. My parents were like this at first, now they see the changes in me and are starting to ask questions. Be patient though, this will take some time, life-time habits won't just change overnight.
01-01-2007, 07:57 PM
Your hubby needs to take a breather wow lol. Since when is healthy food bad to give to kids lol. I'm suprized he doesnt freak when people let their kids eat hot dogs.. good lord lol.... you never know what's in that stuff.
Im sorry he is like that ((hugz))
01-02-2007, 12:51 PM
Woah, it sounds like your husband needs to do some reasearch and some mediation on the old ways and on what is really and truly 'natural' and trust me, raw is about as natural as it gets. He could also use a lesson in love, kindness and respect. Marriage and child rearing is something you need to both be doing together in harmony.
01-02-2007, 02:27 PM
Your problems seem bigger than RAW dietary intake. :eek:
01-11-2007, 12:57 PM
Sounds like what your family has going on, more than anything else is a POWER STRUGGLE...(I've been there!)
I have a mother who differs in opinion about a number of things with regards to how I raise my children (my kids nutrition most definitely one of them), and used to go behind my back when I wasn't around. I really struggled with this for a while, and was to the point where I wasn't going to bring my kids around anymore, but then I realized a couple of things;
1. She does this because she feels as strongly as I do that what she's doing is right. And
2. she LOVES my children. She cares deeply about them.
Anyway, the thing that helped the most was opening a line of communication, where, the other person has an opportunity of revealing their fears about what's going on. I asked my mom, flat out, why she did those things. I began to understand her point of view, and once she felt heard, she began to feel like she could compromise a little.
It's important to approach the person with kindness and respect. Maybe you could talk to your husband, let him know that you understand that his concerns are FOR your children. That's a good thing! You both obviously love your children and are concerned. See if you can find a balance. But if he's afraid, and then angry (because of the power struggle) it's going to be hard to get anywhere...
and like others have said, usually apples, and bananas and salads don't seem too unusual or extreme, so make a big salad every night for dinner. Put one in their lunches, or carrot sticks with almond butter or something. But don't hide it from your husband. Ask him his opinion about what he thinks is, "too much". If he doesn't allow anything, use mainstream sources too support your intentions (like the 5 a day campain that the kids learn about in school). There isn't a doctor on this planet that would encourage children to not eat any fruits and veggies! Go to a source that he would deem as credible. And eventually you'll be the ultimate example of the validity of a raw diet as he sees a consistently healthy, vibrant and happy wife, he'll come around, I'm sure!
After all the proof is in the banana pudding, right? :D
Anyway, this is long, but good luck with everything. Family stress is really difficult and I wish you all the best.
01-11-2007, 02:44 PM
And of course his mom underminds me when she can. She also refuses to allow the kids anything raw when they are at her house. She feeds them anything she wants. I don't allow the kids much sweets or ice cream and every night at her house she makes them a huge sunday filled with ice cream, chocolate syurp, whip cream, ect.. This really makes me mad.
How on earth can ANYONE believe that ice cream, chocolate and cream is healthier than fruit and veg??? :confused:
I was just wondering if maybe you and your husband could meet in the middle - how about steamed veg? And if he flatly refuses to give them ANYTHING raw, then maybe you should take him along to your kids' GP and have him/her explain to your husband how 5 a day is the government's recommendation (it's 10 servings in Australia!).
Anyway, I really hope you and your husband will work this out. And I agree with Wendee - you quarreling with your husband is much worse for the children than a few years of eating SAD. The most important thing is to ensure that your kids don't end up having issues with food, and soon they will be old enough to make their own, well-informed choices.
Good luck - and please let us know how it's going!
01-24-2007, 06:51 AM
My kids are not raw but I make sure that they eat raw fruits and vegetables with every meal as well as for snacks. For breakfast they have a fresh fruit only smoothie or fresh squeezed juice along with traditional breakfast with a piece of some kind of fruit or fuit salad. For lunch they will have fresh veggies and fruit along with traditional lunch. And for dinner they will have salad and vegetables with traditional dinner. For snacks they love to snack on dried fruit as well as fresh apples, banannas, or oranges. My husband is Nigerian so I am sue to preparing Nigerian dishes which are much different than American dishes. My kids prefer Nigerian foods but they will also eat healthy american foods. They really will eat anything and that is surprising at ages 2,4, and 8. They eat very well but are still underwight. I don't understand that. :confused: I do not buy processed foods, junk food or sweets, but when they are out at parties they do have it once in a while. My kids and husband are not vegan and do eat dairy, eggs, fish, and chicken. I am trying to wean the kids off of dairy though. I would say just make sure that if they are eating non raw foods that you incooperate at least one raw food item with each meal.
01-24-2007, 09:43 PM
I think people are scared of what they don't understand. Sounds like your hubby doesn't really understand what it is to be raw. I think its normal to be iffy. My spouse was MAJOR iffy! He is getting better. I hope your's does too! ;)
01-25-2007, 02:48 AM
I've been raw since 8/05 with health benefits we are all familiar with here.....have wanted my DH to follow suit for some time but he's not been ready...and after being together for 20 years you choose your battles right ;) Well, he has a bit of a health scare with his cholesterol and Dr wants him on Rx to lower in 3 months if he doesn't get it down on his own....talked to him last night about trying a 30 day challenge.....think he could do it if I cleared our house out of temptations! (which i would LOOOVE to do) Any suggestions for him ? I can't "do it for him" and need to get him to come to this conclusion independently....so I guess I am seeking simple advice or info. to give him that won't send him running, ya know....we have 5 kids too that are willing to at least go "partway" raw......I think DH needs to be 100% or bust though and it would be great to see him knock the chol. down this way! Then I think he would be hooked :confused: :confused: :confused:
At any rate, for those of you flying raw solo within your familes, you are not alone!!!!
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