On the defense about the Raw life, it's hard!

[rawyogi80]

So my first challenge with very defensive people regarding my diet. We were at an Italian restaurant for a holiday party, and I wasn't eating my food which was pre-ordered (egg plant parm.). One of my co-workers started to make comments about how I wasn't eating my food and starving myself (very far from reality). Why do people get defensive about something that really isn't their concern? And how can I counter comments that border on offensive? All I could come up with was, well I'm vegan or I already ate a bit before. These don't seem to work well. It's a bit exhausting, any advice?

[Bridle]

*Need to defend is understandable
Years ago when I first became vegan it seemed that when people asked about what I was and was not eating it would end up to be a discussion about protein, and problems associated with eating different from others etc. etc. Believe on some level at that point I felt an understandable need to defend my eating against SAD eaters.

*Deflecting SAD enquiries - how to "bring it home" if required
Now, I often smile sweetly/knowingly respond to SAD enquiries with something like this: "I'm like those children you hear about that will only eat certain foods -- for me, this is lots of fruit and vegetables". Interestingly, people often then start talking about their own and/or their children's particular pickiness about foods (see example below) and the conversation never shifts to talking about how I never eat any creatures with a face. Another thing I will say is: "Oh I feel SO GOOD when I eat this way [plain foods] that this is the way I eat". If someone is REALLY pushing their point on the need to eat meat or that how I eat is bizarre my questions to them are these (sometimes I answer them for them). Have you ever put fuel in a car? Well, would you put X, Y or Z [name of popular junk food or soda pops] in your car instead? See, I feel the same about my body's fuel needs ... these are fruit and vegetables.

*Surviving a Christmas Party example
Last night, was at an over-the-top Christmas cocktail and dinner. Only ate strawberries all night (meant for chocolate fondue appetizer). Simply requested strawberries because they are one of my favourites. People were amused and calling me Ms. Strawberry etc. -- no conversation about being vegan, raw and what not... only briefly talked about my love of strawberries, enjoyed eating them and everyone around me enjoyed their food.

Namaste

[Jen Rose]

Good suggestions...thanks!

[Morningstar]

I find it more offensive that they ordered the dish for you :p


I keep answers short & sweet, I no longer wish to debate my lifestyle. They see this overweight woman who will do anything to lose weight. I would be praised if I said well I am taking super pill Z and already lossed such and such.But in some cases...............................I have told people I have food sensitivity ( which is true ;) my body can not digest dead food) My body is Dying to be healthy, and It can only be cured with LOLF.


In the end you can not fight ignorance you can only educate.

I wish you the best

[Veganforlife]

Very good advice. SAD eaters are ignorant and maybe their not knowing and seeing your glowing, healthy being makes them jealous to a tad? They don't know, so they become defensive.
I too think it was offensive that your food was pre-ordered! :eek:

[Denise Nicole]

Just tell them you don't like the dish (which is true). Then offer it to them. :)

[trinity082482]

Saddly, Im one of these people who used to ask questions..like..

aren't you going to eat? I've had vegeterian friends and I used to say to them cant you just pick out the stuff you cant eat? I guess I didnt really understand.
Im not rude like that anymore ;)

[DavidZaneMason]

What's wrong with, "I'm on a special diet of only fresh fruits & vegetables".

-David Z. Mason

[Ariannah]

What's wrong with, "I'm on a special diet of only fresh fruits & vegetables".

-David Z. Mason

For those who will just nod their heads and say, "Oh, ok no problem", it probably does the trick.

However, I tend to be a magnet for the obnoxious and nosy who will say "Oh Why? Can't you eat even stuff like bread? Or what about cheese? Why not? Are you Allergic? Oh you poor thing!" For an introverted person who doesn't like being put on the spot, being a single-subject person gets tiring. There is so much more to me than my food choices and I never get to talk about those other things, if everyone has their binoculars on whether or not I eat the ranch dressing ;)

I usually don't say "I'm on a special diet of..." anything. I usually just say, when asked (as I've learned is the best solution for me), "Oh I just feel like fresh fruit (or salad) today." (on any given occasion, it's the truth). I try to keep positive and upbeat, and don't try to look like I wish I could have the other guy's French fries. I just happily dig into my salad with gusto.

I have baggage associated with a diet being something one "is on"... I much prefer "lifestyle change" - it sounds less like a whim and more like something to which a person has given deep consideration.

I'm lucky though, that I don't have as many social situations to contend with, but I usually will go out of my way to NOT make my lifestyle the subject of people's open season invitations to quiz. :)

[JGex]

I think I would go with the "Shock and Awe" response if anyone ever tried to put me on te spot about my choice of diet. Something to the effect of "You REALLY don't want me to eat that.... it gives me the most horrendous case of gas ever!"

Or fill in the "case of ______" with any ailment too embarrassing for the other person to pursue the conversation further.

Of course, the old standard of asking a question to answer a question works, too. Something like "Why ever would you ask something as personal as that?"

rawandnatural, I've started using the phrase "lifestyle change," too.

[Tom]

I have been raw for eight months and lost about thirty pounds. I don't look good at all. Whenever I see someone that I knew before going raw they are shocked and ask me what is wrong. I just say that I'm healthy and feel good which is true and don't offer any more.

Tom

[SedonaSun]

Of course, the old standard of asking a question to answer a question works, too. Something like "Why ever would you ask something as personal as that?"


Good way to shut them down :)


One of my co-workers started to make comments about how I wasn't eating my food and starving myself (very far from reality).

What came to my mind was to reply with "And why are you eating so much and making yourself fat?" :eek:

Okay, so it does little win friends and ifluence people, but sometimes don't you just wanna?? ;)

[Mogaly]

I think a lot of SAD people are secretly ashamed of their own eating patterns, therefore they feel the need to pry/gawk/get agressive/whatever to make themselves feel better about their own unhealthy diet.

[Forever Young]

Why would you or anyone care what anybody thinks of the way you eat, anybody insensitive enough to ask that question doesn't need an answer. :confused: forever young :cool:

[Revvell]

I think a lot of SAD people are secretly ashamed of their own eating patterns, therefore they feel the need to pry/gawk/get agressive/whatever to make themselves feel better about their own unhealthy diet.

This is true in the same way when they ask if I saw a particular program on t.v. and I tell them I've not watched t.v. in years. They'll backstep and tell me they ONLY watch Planet or the news (sheesh! like that's something good?) or 1 hour a week.

Similar response when I say I don't drink then I hear how little they drink. Uh huh.

With food, when I was "just" a vegetarian I'd hear that they don't eat "red" meat. yuh, so???

I have an 82 year old friend who when someone would respond like that would say "I don't care if you eat cut glass. It's none of my business just as what I eat is none of yours." (Ya gotta know her. lol )

Revvell

[pdx kris]

I think I would go with the "Shock and Awe" response if anyone ever tried to put me on te spot about my choice of diet. Something to the effect of "You REALLY don't want me to eat that.... it gives me the most horrendous case of gas ever!"

Or fill in the "case of ______" with any ailment too embarrassing for the other person to pursue the conversation further.


JGex, that's hysterical!!!!

I guess I'm lucky, I never have to defend my diet. In case I'm in a situation ever where I do though, I'm TOTALLY going to use that!

[RowanC]

or was it Dear Abby had the same response when someone asked embarrassing questions. Her standard answer was, " If you won't think I'm rude for not answering that question, I won't think you're rude for asking!"

I think initially people are concerned that there's something wrong with the food they prepared (or ordered).. but after you'[ve assured them otherwise, it's just rudeness in my opinion. :eek:

[ryandvan]

Why make excuses? I just tell them the straight and honest truth (in the least offensive way possible). The only reason people have to be defensive or upset about that is if they feel you are trying to push it on them. I say it in such a way that they know that I will respect their food choices (even if I don't agree with them), and I expect them to respect mine. It is a matter of opinion, and we are all entitled to have one . . .

I deal with this all the time as I work on catered movie sets. Some phrases I might use: I'm vegetarian (and if they prod "well actually I'm vegan"), my body doesn't do well on dairy, I'm just having salad today, I prefer fresh foods, I feel better when I eat ___ , etc. If they ask why, see it as an opportunity to share something worthwhile . . .

-Ryan

[Gwena]

I have to agree with Ryan. I just tell the truth and could pretty much care less what folks think.

Once, while in the kitchen at work a co-worker looked at my food and said, "You eat that? That looks weird." I said, "My natural whole food looks weird to you, but that packaged, artifically made, Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs you're now nuking is supposed to be somehow normal or better?" She shut up pretty quickly and didn't say another word, and hasn't commented on my food since.

I have a pretty strong character so folks know not to badger me about what I eat. I have no problems telling them that their packaged food is in no way better than my natural food. I guess I have no tolerance for rude comments by unthinking folks.

I had another person look at my food and say "Yuck!". I looked them square in the eye and said, "Do you think your saying yuck about my food is appropriate?" Again, this person hasn't commented on my food choices ever again. I don't consider myself defensive. I just think folks need to know when they are overstepping boundaries, and I have no problems telling them when they have. I could really care less what they think, but I do believe they need to know there place when it comes to commenting on another indivuals eating practices or lifestyle choices.

I find most folks are curious. The above examples are few and far between. I've mostly had positive feedback regarding my diet, and most people want to get to where I'm at. More than anything, I think everything done with confidence deters the potential badgerer. :D

That's my two, three, four cents on the matter. ;)

[rande]

i liked rawandnaturals response, just saying that your in the mood for fruit today, or just feel like having a salad. thats usually what i say, and no one's ever questioned it. in fact most of my friends comment on how they wish that they craved such healthy choices :)

[JGex]

I have to agree with Ryan. I just tell the truth and could pretty much care less what folks think.

Once, while in the kitchen at work a co-worker looked at my food and said, "You eat that? That looks weird." I said, "My natural whole food looks weird to you, but that packaged, artifically made, Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs you're now nuking is supposed to be somehow normal or better?" She shut up pretty quickly and didn't say another word, and hasn't commented on my food since.

I have a pretty strong character so folks know not to badger me about what I eat. I have no problems telling them that their packaged food is in no way better than my natural food. I guess I have no tolerance for rude comments by unthinking folks.

I had another person look at my food and say "Yuck!". I looked them square in the eye and said, "Do you think your saying yuck about my food is appropriate?" Again, this person hasn't commented on my food choices ever again. I don't consider myself defensive. I just think folks need to know when they are overstepping boundaries, and I have no problems telling them when they have. I could really care less what they think, but I do believe they need to know there place when it comes to commenting on another indivuals eating practices or lifestyle choices.

I find most folks are curious. The above examples are few and far between. I've mostly had positive feedback regarding my diet, and most people want to get to where I'm at. More than anything, I think everything done with confidence deters the potential badgerer. :D

That's my two, three, four cents on the matter. ;)

I love it! Honesty and a spine ARE the best tools for the appropriate answer to inappropriate comments.

;)

[Sharon in Colorado]

Once, while in the kitchen at work a co-worker looked at my food and said, "You eat that? That looks weird." I said, "My natural whole food looks weird to you, but that packaged, artifically made, Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs you're now nuking is supposed to be somehow normal or better?" She shut up pretty quickly and didn't say another word, and hasn't commented on my food since.

Love it! :D

[J Raw]

Why do we feel the need to put people in there place when commenting about our food choices (or anyhting else for that matter)? If someone were to say "yuck" why not just laugh at the comment and keep our own negative comments to ourselves? We don't need to further the negativity. Why not just do our best to answer questions graciously when asked? When people seem to get judgemental about it we can just smile and allow them to have their opinions. We may as well not waste our energy defending our postion or we are just doing the same thing as they. :)

[Sharon in Colorado]

Why do we feel the need to put people in there place when commenting about our food choices (or anyhting else for that matter)? If someone were to say "yuck" why not just laugh at the comment and keep our own negative comments to ourselves? We don't need to further the negativity. Why not just do our best to answer questions graciously when asked? When people seem to get judgemental about it we can just smile and allow them to have their opinions. We may as well not waste our energy defending our postion or we are just doing the same thing as they. :)

I think it may be a knee-jerk reaction for some of us when we are on the receiving end of a nasty comment. I've had people scoff at my dates and say they look "nasty" and like "cockroaches"...but you are correct, it doesn't help to be rude back to the person. Maybe it would be better to let them know that their comment was hurtful instead of biting back.

But I do think it says a lot about a person. I've had plenty of people tell me what I'm eating looks so beautiful and they wish they had what was on my plate. People like that just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside instead of defensive and angry.

[rawyogi80]

These are all so helpful.
I've recently re-connected with many old friends who are just finding out I'm vegan-raw and they on the other hand have been very supportive and curious! I've made them raw nori rolls and raw truffles which they loved. I've taken the route of, diet is an individual choice and everybody's needs differ based on where they are in life, etc. No judging, no conflict and no preachy soap-box moments. I've learned how to have a backbone about my diet though and be clear on why raw and what I mainly eat (which seem to be the main Q). Thanks again, much love.

[Gwena]

As a person who tends to put folks "in there place" regarding what I eat, I say . . . to each his/her own. There really is no right or wrong way of responding to folks. What works for one person may not work for another. Each situation is different, and we are all different culturally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. . . So, we all handle things differently.

The beauty in all this is that we all do things so differently, and have the opportunity to share our experiences with each other in an open forum. Hopefully, one person's experience will help another person's diverse situation whenever it happens, and visa versa. ;)

[Ariannah]

A point of view from an "avoider"

As someone who grew up with excellent 20/20 hindsight, I used to think of all the "great lines" afterwards.

I used to chronically journal them out, and write out little scripts, such as, Next time so and so says this, I'll respond with blah...

I've learned to let go, and just let people think what they want to think. When I had more excess weight, I was fair game for those who wanted to waste their time picking on that.

Now that the excess weight is being released, people can say all they like about my ways of eating that they may notice - if they are that desperate to amuse themselves that way. I don't get a whole lot of flak for either (weight or diet), but once in a while would run into people who were clearly bored enough to notice little old me :)

I try to make an effort not to broadcast my diet. If I am at a wedding banquet or a potluck, I'll just make every effort to say, "Right now I think I really want that delicious looking salad (or those grapes, or that watermelon slice...)"

I try not to even let "lifestyle" get into it; it's "right now". I feel more comfortable explaining that for this particular event I am not hungry for (certain SAD item) than to say, "I don't eat (SAD items)" in general terms. People also seem to be a bit more permissive and less nosy over that.

At one dinner I was at, it was so crowded and I had done "preparatory eating" (ate a big fruit salad and some greens prior to arrival), that nobody noticed that I hadn't eaten anything on my plate... we all were just talking.

I am also learning that deferring a meal until I can eat what I need or want is not the end of the world.

[J Raw]

Ha ha, ya it deifinitely is hard sometimes to not react defensively or negatively to others comments. We are after all human. We can just do our best to be positive and to spread that warm fuzzy feeling Sharon from Colorado spoke of. :)

[Gwena]

It's really not a matter of being defensive or negative. Just a different way of communicating depending on the situation, the folks involved, etc.

We all have our own way, which is why these boards are great. More than one perspective.

[Frecs]

I was very fortunate when it came to our office party. We had a catered meal at a local golf resort. My boss mentioned to the HR lady that I only eat fruits and veggies and could they have something for me. She got with the caterer who was more than happy to provide me a fresh fruit plate...which turned out to be a wonderful plate of very tasty fruit (this time of year it's not easy to find melon with taste!).

When people start with the questions or ask about protein or whatever, I just tell them that for me it is a matter of not only losing allot of weight but also losing allot of sickness.

I think they get defensive because they are afraid you will say they eat unhealthy and they don't want to be challenged on how they eat. I try to let my example do the convicting and just smile.

[Sharon in Colorado]

That is so true about the person and situation varying. I was all set to answer the protein question a certain way next time someone asked me. I knew exactly how I was going to respond and how I was going to handle it.

When it did come up, for whatever reason, I could not answer the way I had planned.

What I wanted to say, was that I felt great and hadn't really thought about it. I didn't want to get into any kind of science or debate about it at all.

But instead I ended up attempting to "educate" the questioner and telling them there are amino acids in all plant foods. I did not want to do that, but the person who asked me did it in a concerned and caring manner, as if something bad was going to happen to me if I didn't get my protein.

She just answered, "oh, that's true" or something like that. Don't know if she was convinced or not, and probaby doesn't matter, but I would have liked to have answered the way I planned to.

Sometimes you can answer folks the way you planned to, but other times the timing, person or question is unexpected and throws you a bit.

[Gwena]

I so agree Sharon of Colorado. Every time the responses are different when I talk with others.

Sometimes the smile and nod works, sometimes trying to educate works, sometimes a frank answer works. Sometimes, none of these work.

One of the basic fundamentals of communication is that every situation is different and good communication happens when we can see beyond our own screens, filters and ideas and relate things in a way that others will understand best with all of their own personal screens and filters.

The folks I shared about were good aquaintances, so they could handle my frankness, and we even laughed about their crazy comments once I said what I said. They also got the message, and now think twice about what they say to me about my food, and hopefully to others. I would never have said what I said to someone I didn't know well. It just wouldn't have been best.

All-in-all, I try to give the best comment for the situation and person. It won't always be warm and fuzzy, but not every situation deserves a warm fuzzy comment in my world, and this works for me.

[NFrawRUNNER]

I was a "closet raw vegan" when I first went raw in summer '05 because I used to try anything to lose/maintain weight and didn't want to be accused of following yet another "gimmic" Now, 1 1/2 years later and going strong I am embarrassed no more! I ususally just say say I'm a raw vegan and nothing more-people often just say "Oh", because they have no clue but sometimes they ask....What does that mean/why? So I respond with a matter of fact well, I have had many health issues in the past and food intolerances that I have been able to cure this way without any medicines or doctors sticking things where I don't want them to! That usually intrigues people enough to either say wow, that's great or even start asking more----at which point I will explain as much or as little as they want to hear.....

and the meat question? Got a great response for you ladies....sorry to sound trashy but when smart alec people sarcatically ask me "You don't eat any meat at all?" I typically say..."That's a pretty personal question isn't it?" ;) and give them a sly look......usually that shuts people up! (My husband gets a kick out of that one and usually adds a comment if it's people we know.....at any rate. Be proud and stand up for raw.....it's the natural thing to do.

ps family members are usually the bigges antagonists, I do tend to get a litltle snippy and become the staunch raw food defense attorney ready at a moments notice to debate with any SAD eater around. My mom actualy asked me the PROTEIN question AGAIN last night! AAAGGGHHH :eek: I told her all about greens and assimilation and meat and rotting flesh in her intestines and etc....got pretty graphic and defensive since she asks me this question (as do others) a million times...Finally she said, so I guess I'm not healthy? (she wanted me to say, yes, you are, blah blah blah) but instead I said "No! You're not!" and that was the end of the conversation....I don't feel guilty at all for saying it because we have had this conversation a gazillion times. She is overweight with many health issues and will take any supplement or gimmic that comes along! I have been raw for a year and a half, weigh exactly what I should, run 70 miles a week + marathons a few times a year....AND SHE STILL ASKS???????

Don't be shy people, be proud to be raw! :)

[mysticalend]

"Oh I just feel like fresh fruit (or salad) today." (on any given occasion, it's the truth). I try to keep positive and upbeat, and don't try to look like I wish I could have the other guy's French fries. I just happily dig into my salad with gusto.

This is a good one. Regardless of whether we are looked upon with scorn, bewilderment, or shock by the outside world, the fact still remains that these are choices that each individual is making about what goes into his/her bodies.

The labels (ie- raw foodist, vegan, frutarian etc.) may help with feeling an association of identity, but they do little for me since I refuse to pigeon-hole or define myself by the food that I eat. When people begin their self-righteous crusade about the deficiencies of my food never being cooked, I usually respond by stating that I choose to eat what I want, when I want, and there is very little say anyone else is going to have about it. If they show genuine concern and ask questions (instead of making snide comments) then I am more than happy to share what knowledge I have garnered up until this point about the subject.

Otherwise, I cannot be bothered.

mysticalend

[RowanC]

Why do we feel the need to put people in there place when commenting about our food choices (or anyhting else for that matter)? If someone were to say "yuck" why not just laugh at the comment and keep our own negative comments to ourselves? We don't need to further the negativity. Why not just do our best to answer questions graciously when asked? When people seem to get judgemental about it we can just smile and allow them to have their opinions. We may as well not waste our energy defending our postion or we are just doing the same thing as they. :)


In a perfect world, this might be the best way to "be."

But honestly, sometimes you just get weary of the comments and it feels GOOD to get the comment off the chest. ::shrug:::

And maybe by bringing to their attention that the Chef Boyardee Spaghette IS weird, they may wake up! Sometimes I think people are just asleep and brainwashed into thinking the poison they are eating is their only choice.

I'm one of those people who sometimes needs a shockwave to awaken me.
I don't think bringing the truth to someone's attention is always necessarily negative.

In the end, the only person you can change is YOU.
But sometimes your comments can help others have a tower moment, and thus begin their own change for the better.

[mongomango]

Why do we feel the need to put people in there place when commenting about our food choices (or anyhting else for that matter)? If someone were to say "yuck" why not just laugh at the comment and keep our own negative comments to ourselves? We don't need to further the negativity. Why not just do our best to answer questions graciously when asked? When people seem to get judgemental about it we can just smile and allow them to have their opinions. We may as well not waste our energy defending our postion or we are just doing the same thing as they. :)

I agree with this for the most part. There are times; however, that emotions overcome better judgment due to life's various stresses, and whooopsie! It sometimes does other people good though to HEAR a less than accepting comment back as they then also have reason to evaluate their own conduct and wonder if it is indeed appropriate. And at the very least it may help them to stop acting mindlessly and thoughtlessly which behaviour is at epic and epidemic proportions in our culture today!

[mongomango]

In a perfect world, this might be the best way to "be."

But honestly, sometimes you just get weary of the comments and it feels GOOD to get the comment off the chest. ::shrug:::

And maybe by bringing to their attention that the Chef Boyardee Spaghette IS weird, they may wake up! Sometimes I think people are just asleep and brainwashed into thinking the poison they are eating is their only choice.

I'm one of those people who sometimes needs a shockwave to awaken me.
I don't think bringing the truth to someone's attention is always necessarily negative.

In the end, the only person you can change is YOU.
But sometimes your comments can help others have a tower moment, and thus begin their own change for the better.


Oh, heh heh heh, you beat me to it! Great minds and all of that! :)

[Revvell]

Excellent response. If my teacher had always been soft and easy with me, much of the work I needed would not have penetrated my thick skull and all the resistance. That's why in Polarity work (which was created from so many others) involves a triune function ~ Sattva, Rajas and Tamas. It (Polarity) covers those who need to be "hit", those who need gentleness tenderness and all in between. (I don't mean physically hit btw. :rolleyes:)

Revvell



In a perfect world, this might be the best way to "be."

But honestly, sometimes you just get weary of the comments and it feels GOOD to get the comment off the chest. ::shrug:::

And maybe by bringing to their attention that the Chef Boyardee Spaghette IS weird, they may wake up! Sometimes I think people are just asleep and brainwashed into thinking the poison they are eating is their only choice.

I'm one of those people who sometimes needs a shockwave to awaken me.
I don't think bringing the truth to someone's attention is always necessarily negative.

In the end, the only person you can change is YOU.
But sometimes your comments can help others have a tower moment, and thus begin their own change for the better.