Rawfigure

[Lunar*Fey]

Hi Rawfigure, (or anyone else who has any help to offer)
Your comments have helped me multiple times, thank you. I was reading a thread in which you said you were always very skinny and then started eating again and weight training and gained muscle but still had a 24 inch waist. I have always been very light weight by nature...Now I am back to my previous natural weight at this height. Back then when I played sports and was naturally this weight I had a 22 inch waist at like 5'4", of course I was 13 years old...but still, i am the same weight and height but now have a 28 inch waist....probably because I have a higher body fat percentage than I ever have? I am not sure but I am horribly unhappy with my figure right now and the way my body feels. i feel unhealthy and "jiggly". I know I am not fat as in fat-looking in fact I know I am thin...I am just built thin. but I feel skinny fat. if that makes sense. My mid section seriously like bunches out from my pants weighst....this isn't all in my head as I do my best not to notice it. But I can pinch about 2 inches of fat...underneath that I know I do have ab muscle. I am sorry to go on and on..
I just really need help. I need to gain weight but still be happy with my figure and be strong and most of all I want to FEEL good again. I didn't when I was too skinny, I don't now. I know the answer is probably a mixture of mostly weight training and a bit of cardio. But how do I fit this into the day when I am in school all day and then do hw, essays, etc plus stuff at home. I am not busy really, I do nothing but sit all day. Beside the fact that I am bursting with energy and run or dance about every time I need to get from one point to another (I've always been like that according to my dad lol). I just am afraid to do anything because its like ingrained into my head that its wrong for some reason, liek I need to feel guilty for moving my body. Also, people can tell me to "weight train" and other things daily or whatever and I do it for a while but then I start to get scared or feel bad, or just say nah. I have NEVER been like this, I have always been one to do anything and everything I want to do...if I need to do something I have always been the type of person to get it done. I know that if I had specific things to do and a time to do them I would do it....but I don't. I feel like I need someone to help me and to give me direct guidance, although I know that sounds dumb. Sorry this is so long. I just need to be able to do what you did. I NEED to.

I welcome comments from anyone and apologize for the length and such of this entry. I am just dying here....

thank you so much

[rawfigure]

LunarFey...I understand your frustration. It is hard to give you a definative answer but maybe I can help.

Do not be afraid to be active ! Dance if you feel like dancing, jump if you feel like it ! I think being that you are thin already, you just need some tweeking. And as you grow (cuz you are still are right ?) you will continue to see changes in your body makeup. It is important to get some weight bearing exercises but it does not have to be traditional weights.

I have a very small frame though I am 5 6 1/2. I can wrap my thumb and middle finger around my wrist and they overlap ! So I naturally had a tiny waist to. As a teenager I was always jumping, tumbling, dancing. So I became a cheerleader. That is when my body started to see some change. My legs became more muscular and I get a little stronger then. I did not like the Universal gym back then I avoided it . But I did alot of floor exercises at your age. I was usually on the floor with my ankle weights doing leg lifts and sit ups and pushups and things like that. I drove my mother nuts. Then in College I did Jazzercise and Jane Fonda work outs (that was the rage) and I continued to be more on the stick thin side (that was also due to a skimpy diet at that time I am sure !). It was not until I picked up a heavier weights at age of 24, started the bicep curls, tricep extentions, squats etc etc that I really added the muscle and that took years to build. So yes I was 104 in college with a 22-23 inch waist and now I am 126 with a 24 inch waist. (I work hard to kep it that way at 45 ) So yes Muscle weight makes a difference in you shape .

So back to your question. I would some calistentic type and floor exercises. Do the sit ups and the curls and side leg lifts, (good for the waist to). Do side bends. A great waist exercise is to stand with arms in a V position over your head and bring one leg up to side, bending it (like bringing the knee out perpendicular to the body on the side) and bring one arm down to meet it , do that on each side 12-15 times. It looks like a side crunch standing.

Do this is a starter and keep the weight on you have with a good diet (eat enough to accomidate the activity) so you do not drop weight being more active.

[NFrawRUNNER]

I agree with RF....She has great advice.....Now, I am here to play "mom." When I read your posts I hear you asking for someone to TRULY LISTEN to you.....not tell you what you can or cannot eat/do, just truly LISTEN.....Is there anyone in your current repetoire of doctors and such that are helping YOU deal with the issues you are having. We grownups tend to dictate things without giving our kids any say so.....and I think that is really what you are struggling with right now- a lack of power/control in your life. Do you have a close relationship with an adult in your life? How about your mom? If so, talk to them-soon. Maybe then they will realize that you just want some validation in your beliefs.....I have 5 kids and only HOPE they can come to me when they are feeling inferior/whatever......Maybe I am being too nosey/pushy on the subject but I just "hear" so much helplessness from your threads I want to make sure your emotional needs are taken care of too!!! ;) Good luck sweetie!

[Lunar*Fey]

aw thank you.

Rawfigure,
I, too, have always had a very small build no matter what kinds of food I ate....although I was never short. Naturally, I also HAD a small waist...until my weight was no longer natural but forced onto me. My finger and thumb overlap around my wrist too lol! And I have always been behind in physically maturing as well...as has the rest of my family. I am still growing, definately. It's just that I get absolutely no exercise, and I don't feel good. but like I said I just feel so guilty, or afraid someone will see me. I am asking my mom for a dance DVD for christmas so that I can learn to dance for exercise. I love to dance but have never had the opportunity to be in a class. I was going to try out for cheerleading this year but was a bit intimidated by the amazing things they can do when all I can do is a handstand, a backbend from standing up, and I've been told I move naturally and nicely and things such as dance.
Wow you are amazing. I need to do it, Because if I don't I'll just get sent to some place again where I'll have to eat extremely unhealthfully...worse than I have ever eaten in my life.
Thank you for the waist exercise, I will try that. I just feel like if I had some certain thing that was part of my day or schedule (not that I actually have a scedule but you know what I mean?) then I would do it consistantly and it would be worth sometihng...otherwise I do it randomly (or not at all out of lack of true understanding or guilt or nervousness) and nothing happens.

NFrawRUNNER,
Hey this is Dianthia right? Nice new name :)
Thank you, that is very sweet of you. You are right, I want someone to listen for once. I still go to my mom and talk to her and tell her a lot...even though after all she has been through she is much different. it makes me so sad how much she has changed. Like yesterday her husband was cooking sweet potatoes and he asked me if he should save some to use without the sugar and eggs and marshmellows and all that stuff in/on top of it. I said no thanks and he said what? My mom rolled her eyes and said of course not Kurt, they're cooked...thats one of her "rules" remember. As if raw was an eating disorder. It made me SO SO SO upset. Because she isn't truly listening to me and it feels like no one does. No one. I am just so fed up and frustrated lately. I cry a lot. I am not allowed to do anything athletic and that was a huge part of my life...the worst part is I am back to my natural weight and its still "not even close" to good enough for them. I still am not allowed to play sports...even though all my vital signs and such are all considered healthy. of course my heart rate has gone way up from lack of activity for the past year or two. My mom was smaller than me at my age but she was a cross country and track runner. Its just not fair, its in my genes to be naturally light....I still look ok I am just light weight...light bones, etc. I can't help it! and I can't help that its not in my genes to have much breast either. My mom even gained a lot of weight and is still like an A cup at 5'9 1/2" tall. I don't know that there is anyone I can go to, but I suppose I can just come here. I do talk to my mom but it just seems to dig me deeper. I don't know.
thank you though!

[NFrawRUNNER]

yes, it's me Diantha....I totally understand the whole "one of her rules" comments....I am forever explaining my food choices as if I have three heads....I just tell people I like it, I feel good, and it works for me! I would love to convince others to eat this way but haven't even been able to convince my family so I don't even try! But, enough about me! ;) You can definately come to this forum for advice and support as we are all following the same lifestyle....I guess I just don't understand why everyone around you has you under a microscope as if you are doing something wrong. There are so many BAD choices teeneagers can make to harm their bodies. You seem to only desire optimal health. You are strong in your beliefs too. Both of these attributes should make you proud of yourself and empower you to stand up for yourself. Have you been diagnosed with a disorder or are those "helping" you just assuming something is wrong because you eat raw and are so thin???? You mentioned your mom was smaller than you at your age....so can't she relate and empathize with you? Does she know how much it bothers you to feel so powerless over your own body? just curious. Maybe a good heart to heart will open her eyes.....I myself and sometimes oblivious to my teenager's feelings because I am bringing the aduly perspective to it.....Maybe she just needs to see things through your eyes...Good luck, hope this helps.
Di

[Sharon in Colorado]

Maybe you can ask your mom if you and her can do a kick boxing class together. It will be FUN, you will BOND with your mama, and both of you will get in great shape. You will definately build muscle on this!

[luckitri]

Lunar Fey, your situation so totally frustrates me. I get angry on your behalf and everything! I understand about the light weight bones. Don't know where I got mine but that is what they are. I totally don't believe in using equipment to exercise. Don't believe in putting those weights on my ankles or wrists either. If you look at the structure of the muscle acquired with natural exercise as opposed to using equipment - well I think the natural muscles look healthier and blend into each other better. Maybe they don't look as sculpted or well-defined but for long term good service - go natural. It is not natural or healthy not to be able to move and exercise at your age. I really wonder what it will take for people to really see what they are doing to others and in this case you. Recently I got to meet a yogi guy who can really do some wonderful things. He taught himself from books - did not have the opportunity for class - yet now he is giving classes. I feel like the before Renfrew you would have made up your own programme. Am I wrong? Like your self has been so interfered with that now you need outside affirmation to get yourself on a good track? Whereas before you did not have so much self-doubt? Tell me I am wrong please. I just totally do not understand needing permission to move ones body. I am so happy when my son plays hard outside. He is by nature very thin and I know that he needs the exercise - and he is much happier and easier to get along with after he has had some hard physical play. He has better emotions and he is not bursting with negative disruptive energy.

[NFrawRUNNER]

I agree with Luckitri in that you seem to need affirmation/validation to even exercise as though you have been brainwashed into thinking it's wrong? Our bodies are meant to move! When we don't move we atrophy, we age, we weaken ourselves even MORE! Adding muscle will make you stronger and it weighs more than fat so it should help you gain weight too. I know you know these things already too so sorry to keep harping.

Another thing I thought might be good for you and all the other teeneagers that come to this forum is to start a thread just for teenagers so you can all "share" together. Maybe knowing a few more teens your age would help with your feelings if isolation? I have teenagers of my own and I know there are things they will share together that they may not share with an old fart like me ;) ....but I'm o.k. with that.....Think about it and we old fogies will stay off your thread :D

[Lunar*Fey]

Thank you everybody

I do try to talk to my mom, but she always ends up getting angry at me. or just upset and then I just get to be afraid of talking to her because it never is responded to in the way I intended, she always gets mad or annoyed or upset in other ways. I still talk to her all the time any way though. I guess somewhere inside of me I am hoping that someday I will see my real mom again and she will be patient and kind again. But it never happens. Sometmes I see her lingering in there, but not for long and she doesn't come out much.
Basically I was always very slender and then I got very depressed when my mom got remarried and everything in my life changed (including now having an evil step father...ok not evil but extremely uh unexplainable). When I got depressed I lost weight without even knowing it and was told I had an eating disorder. I freaked out and got so scared and tried to eat everything in sight but didn't gain any weight and then freaked out again and felt liek a failure and just gave up and ate whenever I coudl stomach food and then was sent away to an eating disorder place...twice. I am now back to my natural weight at this height but no one thinks I am healthy yet because I don't weigh at least 116 lbs. (its not my fault that my body has always been MUCH slower to mature and that I was born a light person just like half of my family). A kickboxing class would be amazing. But whenever I try to suggest anything she jsut gets mad/upset and tells me I am not healthy and that she has no time or money. I will still try though...maybe for christmas? I think exercise is very important in staying healthy, to me it has nothing to do with losing weight...its about keeping my body truly healthy.

you're right, sadly I do feel the need for permission and such to exercise. I feel so guilty when I exercise...like I am doing something wrong and bad. so I just stop....even though it feels so good.
A teenager thread would be cool! But I like talking to the rest of you as well, you may be older but you can be wiser as well ;)
Maybe I can start one though.

thank you all so much

[misslinda]

you're right, sadly I do feel the need for permission and such to exercise. I feel so guilty when I exercise...like I am doing something wrong and bad. so I just stop....even though it feels so good.



I know that feeling deep inside Lunarfrey!!!

During the "recovery" phase of my anorexia, I would drive 1/2 hr away from home to workout. Perhaps partly b/c was still afraid of getting fat,losing control or didn't want anyone to think I was becoming "psychotic." Even during a thin healthy weight but running 10-15 miles a day, my mother would visit and tense up if I had come back from a long run upon her visting........part of the transition :rolleyes: It's all a part of the process of moving forward......

You don't need [permission] from anyone to be "free" execising,walking,talking ,dancing whatever you want to call it, is your own choice. Do you find that your identity is soley identified to the ED? It's like your family doesn't see Bristol but rather Bristol the [anorexic]? Maybe hard but you really need to feel and live your sense of freedom in movement. Rebuilding identity is crucial in ED recovery otherwise those around us continue to push us down and "prove" we are nut cases.

btw, 1/2 gallon water jugs with water make great weights for arm exercises! Sounds more like exercise of your mind will get you moving......unless you are ball and chained? :D

[Sharon in Colorado]

btw, 1/2 gallon water jugs with water make great weights for arm exercises! Sounds more like exercise of your mind will get you moving......unless you are ball and chained? :D

Ha! I remember when I was about Bristol's age, I filled two plastic jugs with water and slipped them on a broomstick and used it as a barbell!

:D

Bristol it may help just to spend down time with her, that way she'll be more willing to talk with you.

The problem a lot of us parents have with kids is that we don't spend quantity time with them and think that we deserve some kind of medal for spending "quality" time, thinking that all of a sudden the kids' are going to spill their guts. This just doesn't happen.

Spending time doing trivial stuff, cleaning out the garage, helping in the kitchen, playing cards, whatever, that's the stuff that makes a difference.

[Lunar*Fey]

Misslinda,
thank you so much. You are right. And I knew this, its just that its hard with the guilt and all. But you helped bring it into perspective. I asked my mom for a dance DVD for christmas...and she seemed ok with it...even though I know she often hides feelings from me. I do find that my identity is soley the ED...at least that is how my family generally treats me. I just want them to act normal instead of treating me like I am just all messed up and they are all powerless, fed up, and annoyed with it. I am like the scapegoat of all their problems. I mean, my step dad went out and bought 20 dollars worth of cheese, pepperoni, and crackers for thanksgiving when my mom had already spent all our grocery money and we already had orderves. We didn't have the money for this. He does things like this ALL the time. he buys coffee every morning as well. And yet my being raw (what I pick for groceries in the store is least expensive. $3.99 for 5 pounds of apples, .33 cents a pound for bananas, etc. )I only buy the things that are the least expensive and I buy the least amount. I have to. But no one else seems to do this. They buy things we don't need all the time and yet I am the root of their financial problems? I am the problem when they are in actuality the ones who currently seem to have a hard time dealing with life? My problem is I think too much, I think and analyze...I can often feel and see what those close to me are thinking and feeling and this distracts me...it makes me feel as though I need to cater to and step around them rather than myself. I suppose I must learn to disregard this and harness the ability I have to better use...rather than allow it to hurt me. Sorry I am babbling, as usual..
thank you MissLinda, I really need to make this work and I think you have helped me to help myself understand what is going on with me...even if I don't think I can really FULLY comprehend it. thank you.

Sharon,
thank you for your suggestions. It is really helpful. It almost seems backwards..as if I am the mother who tries to spend time and truly talk while she is the child, unwilling to share so much. I open up to her willingly. I see things in her that I wish to help her with and talk to her about....but when I try I am generally shot down. I know I probably shouldn't do it, but its hard because I want to talk to her. We actually do spend some quality time together and have a good time. We have always had a lot in common...but now she has changed so much that we are so extremely different. yet once in a great while during the somewhat frequent times we share, we reconnect and my mother has returned for a moment. I really miss the way things used to be before she got married and turned into a rapidly aging ball of anxiety, worry, stress, and pain.....I really truly miss my mom. I miss her energy, her love and patience, her lust for life. I miss her so much. It's hard to feel like I have everything together and be the person I want to be while I see my mom like this.

[dreamrawalwz]

Can you make up an exercise routine to do in your room or something? Just simple sit ups, push ups, leg lifts, squats, ect. Do moves where you just hold the muscle tight for about 30 seconds at a time, release, then repeat. Building muscle isn't like cardio and it will gain weight and decrease inches. Can I smack your mom? I truely believe that you should copy and paste things you've said within this thread into Word or something and print it out for your doctor(s) and mom??

[Lunar*Fey]

Hey Tracey,
thanks. I suppose I could...but thats what makes me feel so guilty and makes me so fearful that someone will walk in and then it will lead to me being sent away again or some more restriction from the doctor or something :(

Maybe I will show my mom...

[moonstone523]

Can you join a sports team at school?

Or have athletics or PE as a class?

[Sharon in Colorado]

Maybe I will show my mom...

Maybe just write out your work out regimen and then give it to your mom, tell her that's exactly what you will be doing, no more and no less. Keep a copy for yourself.

The only way to stop feeling guilty is just to do it and you'll get over that feeling. Sounds like that is the only thing holding you back.

[Lunar*Fey]

Moonstone,
I am not allowed to because my weight fluctuated. It was even and then it went up and then it stayed the same and then it went down. This is weekly...my doctor said I am not allowed to play sports or be in gym class if my weight dropped even a pound. I noticed it went up after I had been riding my bike a bit and doing a lot of strength training...and that was only for like a week and then I stopped. then the weight started going down
:(. I so desperately wish I were allowed to do sports, I love sports and always have been very athletic. I miss being an athlete.

Sharon,
thanks. yes I should. I don't think its only the guilt. A lot of it has to do with that but its also fear and things like that. I started for a while and then stopped. I know I need to start again. I think I should mention a personal trainer to my doctor...not that that could ever happen.

[rawfigure]

Moonstone,
I am not allowed to because my weight fluctuated. It was even and then it went up and then it stayed the same and then it went down. This is weekly...my doctor said I am not allowed to play sports or be in gym class if my weight dropped even a pound. I noticed it went up after I had been riding my bike a bit and doing a lot of strength training...and that was only for like a week and then I stopped. then the weight started going down
:(. I so desperately wish I were allowed to do sports, I love sports and always have been very athletic. I miss being an athlete.



Lunar*Fey

This is so hard for you..*hug* But you know Lunar all things have a way of working themselves out. Sometimes it takes longer than we like but in the end you will look back and remember when....You are young and have a life ahead of you and soon you will be on your own and be able to do the exercise you want !! We cross a point in life where our parents let us "go" & we become responsible for ourselves and soon you will be there !!

I guess for now you may need to do as your Dr says untill he gives you the approval to be more active and work out. I know it might not be what you want to do. But if you can keep your weight from dropping then he will be more likely to give you the go ahead.

[Lay-Lay]

sending you hugs Lunar fey!

[Lunar*Fey]

Thank you Lay-Lay! *returns hugs*

Rawfigure,
thank you *returns hug*. I Understand it's just that this is my natural weight. I can't help that it fluctuates up and down a bit. I stuff myself daily. I speak up for myself and do my best to make sure I have enough REAL food in the house (which is extremely hard for me)...I am doing everything I can and my vital signs and blood work are all healthy. It seems only right that exercise would be the next step in my healing. Even if it were just a little. Sports were such a part of who I am that I feel lost without them. When I was littler they were my means of venting and burning out frustration and just plain having fun. I can't remember having more fun than during athletic games and being artistic/dramatic. In the summer and on weekends at my dad's house my brothers and sister and I would spend most of the days playing in the woods and then the nights we would run around outside until we were made to come in. Then we would come inside and stay up late drawing, playing games, and imaginary games. At my moms we would swim and play outside all day long all summer long. I can't remember a time when I was more happy. It was when all this ceased that I started becoming depressed. I am not saying this was the cause of my depression but it probably aided in it. Any way I just mean it is not right that I should not be allowed to exercise. My doctor does only what she is told just as my mom does only what she is told. My doctor is going by the charts for height/growth/age in this and that is all. She doesn't take into consideration that I am compeltely healthy now! And always was. It's just not fair. There are girls in my school who are much less than me (example: one girl is 5'9.5" and weighs 107 lbs and plays sports plus irish dance all year round. another is like 5'6 and weighs 86 to 90 pounds and plays sports plus dance.) so why me? just because I have gone through family issues? It's just not fair. I have never felt so unhealthy. I can't even sleep at night I am so jittery. I feel weak no matter how much I eat. I eat tons even when I don't feel the least bit hungry. I just feel so confined and trapped and lost and hurt and dead. I take my anger out on myself by punching myself as hard as I can....when I could use that frustration in a game or punching bag or something. I'll stop rambling now, sorry. It just kills me. She said I have to be 116 pounds without playing sports. I don't care if I am that much at all, its just that I am naturally light. I always have been...even as a little baby and so has half of my family. ok I'll really stop this time. Sorry again.
thank you for listening and everything....

[rawfigure]

I think I have read in other posts that a new Dr is something you cannot have right now ? thata a shame cuz that is what you need. My weight fluctuates daily, everytime I go to the Dr. So you are right it is unfair.

It is odd, most Dr realize the height weight scales are not a good guide. We are each so different.

How tall are you ? I think I would get to 116 and get that Dr out of my life.... :mad:

[Lunar*Fey]

Rawfigure,
thank you for your advice. You are right that I should...but its seriously impossible for my body to weigh that much without either having a high % of muscle or looking quite unhealthy. I am 5'4...which I know 116 is a healthy weight for that height but it isn't my fault that I am only 15 and a very very late bloomer by nature. I have always been really light weight because I am not wide in the least bit...I used to be called a string bean all the time but my family members knew it ran in my family. It is not in my genes to have much hips or breast any way...not to mention the fact that I am not nearly fully developed yet! I am not even near finished growing. My mom didn't finish growing until she was about 19, maybe a little later..and I have taken after her genetically in many many aspects. Any way I am 5'4 and about 95+ lbs last I knew. I hate saying my weight because I am always so afraid it will trigger someone....but if they saw me they would think differently as I am built so small so my body looks healthy and no bones come close to sticking out. anyway, When I got depressed my weight dropped to 85 pounds without my realizing...thats how I got into this mess in the first place. Now my natural weight isn't even good enough. Interestingly enough, I was 85 lbs for over a year and once I recognized what had happened and started eating enough again my vital signs and blood work were healthy but my weight did not increase. That's basically what commenced all this. Anyway, that is why I wanted to get into some major muscle building, so that I could gain weight and get her off my back...so I can just BE again without existing solely for food and gaining weight. I can't stand this any more. I start punching myself as hard as I can out of frustration sometimes...which is bad and I need to stop. This is just killing me, I sometimes feel as though my soul is dying (been this way for well over a year now). Raw helped me get out of this SO much. But I cannot ignore the pressure at all any more.

[rawfigure]

Rawfigure,
thank you for your advice. You are right that I should...but its seriously impossible for my body to weigh that much without either having a high % of muscle or looking quite unhealthy. I am 5'4...which I know 116 is a healthy weight for that height but it isn't my fault that I am only 15 and a very very late bloomer by nature. I have always been really light weight because I am not wide in the least bit...I used to be called a string bean all the time but my family members knew it ran in my family. It is not in my genes to have much hips or breast any way...not to mention the fact that I am not nearly fully developed yet! I am not even near finished growing. My mom didn't finish growing until she was about 19, maybe a little later..and I have taken after her genetically in many many aspects. Any way I am 5'4 and about 95+ lbs last I knew. I hate saying my weight because I am always so afraid it will trigger someone....but if they saw me they would think differently as I am built so small so my body looks healthy and no bones come close to sticking out. anyway, When I got depressed my weight dropped to 85 pounds without my realizing...thats how I got into this mess in the first place. Now my natural weight isn't even good enough. Interestingly enough, I was 85 lbs for over a year and once I recognized what had happened and started eating enough again my vital signs and blood work were healthy but my weight did not increase. That's basically what commenced all this. Anyway, that is why I wanted to get into some major muscle building, so that I could gain weight and get her off my back...so I can just BE again without existing solely for food and gaining weight. I can't stand this any more. I start punching myself as hard as I can out of frustration sometimes...which is bad and I need to stop. This is just killing me, I sometimes feel as though my soul is dying (been this way for well over a year now). Raw helped me get out of this SO much. But I cannot ignore the pressure at all any more.


So, due to the weight loss episode, you are now in a *fish bowl* with your mom and the Dr....and not a way out right now. Yes everyone looks differently at various weights. With muscle 116 is a good looking weight. Your battle is doing it w/o muscle ! hmmmm....I wish I had some good advice. All I can do is say come here to vent and since you are 15...this will be over soon ! At 18 you may well be on your own. :D