please oh please help

[bittersweet]

My father and I do not see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but one of the most crucial is vegetarianism/veganism/healthy nutrition. IÂ’m currently in college out of state, and IÂ’m panicking about going home for the holidays.
I'm concerned about Thankgiving dinner and life in general for me at my house. Last year my dad found out that I was eating vegetarian, (I was in fact raw vegan at the time) and he reacted ina way that I find immature and totally unacceptable fro my sanity. He thought that I had an eating disorder and told all of his brothers that I did, and he literally forced me to eat meat. Now, all of my extended family who will be over for Thanksgiving will be watching me like hawks, and I'm not looking forward to that. I'm still eating raw vegan now, and have been since last summer. I wrote my dad a letter in which I mentioned that IÂ’ve started to eat vegan, but I was a little vagueÂ… I didnÂ’t wan to freak him out.I figured that I'd get the fight over with while I was still here, but he didn't even respond, and hasn't mentioned the letter at all even though it was like two months ago. So I'm scared. I don't want to have to keep hiding the way that I eat, but I don't want to anger or provoke him too much because I'm scared (terrified) of him, and also because he's paying for college
Please help me, IÂ’m at the end of my rope. I should probably also mention that I have been invited to other places for Thanksgiving, but I want to have a healthy relationship with my family, and I donÂ’t feel that running away is the answer. I want to get all of this out in the air so I donÂ’t have to be afraid anymore.
I would appreciate some wisdom from all of you.

[sungoddess]

I am sorry to hear this! I think it is important for you to have a serious talk with him about why you do what you do, and offer him some things to read that easily explain the raw-food health truths. Do you have specific reasons for doing raw other than weight loss? Explain those to him to show that it is not an eating disorder. As scared as you are of facing this with him, I am sure that his heart would break to read the post you just wrote. Show him your desire for health, and support from your family. It is the only way to get him to try and understand!


GOOOOD LUCK! I know it will be ok!

[eatyourbroccoli]

you can want a healthy relationship with your family until youre at your wits end, but unless the participation is mutual chances of achieving your goal are slim. if somebody is not going to love and support you regardless of your choices, they are not a person you need to include in your life - particularly if they are causing you such stress because you are "terrified" of them. you have other offers, take those people up on them.

see, my interpretation here is "i dont want to tell him im vegan because im terrified of him" and "i dont want to go elsewhere because then ill feel guilty." okay, but what about YOU hunny? what about your own feelings?

i dealt with putting my emotionally abusive father before myself for 5 years. and now? i dont speak to him. and no i dont feel great, but i feel a heck of a lot better than i used to. you cant let guilt absorb you like that. love yourself and those who unconditionally love you first and foremost, focus on those who present you only with conditional love afterwards or not at all.

just because theyre family, does not mean you are obligated to include them in your life should they do anything but support and love you. there are 6.5 billion people on this planet, many of whom are waiting with open arms to love another. accept the offer for thanksgiving dinner elsewhere, and avoid the situation altogether. and while youre at it, congratulate yourself for making the first step towards loving yourself as unconditionally as youre attempting to love your father.

-ash

[Pailani]

How much more college do you have to go? You're in a tough spot if provoking him might mean the end of your college money - it's like choosing between your health or your education (and the career that will be based on that education!)

In your shoes, I think I'd try not to make waves yet, I'd eat somewhere else and wait until after college for the confrontation. If he sounded at all understanding, I'd try to work it out, but it doesn't sound like he's even willing to consider the possibility that there might be another side besides his, at least based on what you've posted.

[rawnora]

Those are great posts above, and I can see the sense in going either way.

Another consideration is, how much 'normal' food would you have to eat to keep the peace? If it's only one dinner, it might be worth eating a few cooked but well-chosen, well-combined foods. Eating raw is not a religion. It should be about being healthy, not some strict principle that doesn't make any sense objectively. In other words, there are lots of raw foods that are less healthy than some simple cooked foods and as a new raw fooder you most likely eat some of them (unhealthy raw foods). You can bet that if most raw fooders don't know this, the people you'll be eating with don't know it either. You'll be able to give the appearance of abusing yourself without really doing so. :)

Whether you can get away with it physically without feeling awful the next day will depend on how long you've been raw, and whether you can eat small quantities and draw the line at those few designated foods without going into a full blown backsliding frenzy.

If your education is being paid for in full, that's a lot to lay on the line for the sake of your diet. And if it's just Thanksgiving, it is only one meal. Your dad probably feels like he has a right to say what you should do with your life for now, even perhaps down to the way you take care of yourself, if he's making such a big investment in you. That's the way it works with parents sometimes.

I'm not sure which way I'd go, but I think you should give yourself some slack and forgive yourself if you do have to compromise. Principles are great but they don't pay the bills. You have to think about what serves *your* long term best interests.

Well I think we have all possible angles covered now! :) However, I think it's important that you not take any of our comments too much to heart since only you know all the factors that are involved. Thanks for asking our thoughts and best of luck w/ whatever you decide to do.

Kind regards,
Nora
www.RawSchool.com

[misslinda]

My father and I do not see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but one of the most crucial is vegetarianism/veganism/healthy nutrition.

So I'm scared. I don't want to have to keep hiding the way that I eat, but I don't want to anger or provoke him too much because I'm scared (terrified) of him, and also because he's paying for college
Please help me, IÂ’m at the end of my rope. I should probably also mention that I have been invited to other places for Thanksgiving, but I want to have a healthy relationship with my family, and I donÂ’t feel that running away is the answer. I want to get all of this out in the air so I donÂ’t have to be afraid anymore.
I would appreciate some wisdom from all of you.


Sounds like there is already history between you and your father? Do you think this may just be the last straw to challenge you in standing your own ground. There comes a time in our own life where we are challenge to make our own decisions and at times, defend our beliefs,convicitons, morals etc.

What is the [worst] that will happen if you eat what [you] want to eat? Is anyone determing what they will eat?

I wish you strength and peace. :)

[D'vorah]

I so want to commend you for wanting to pursue a relationship with your father.

I have to disagree in part with eatyourbrocolli; you can keep doors open for relationship, you can pave the way, and you can do all of that without submitting to any additional abuse.

My mother was a very emotionally abusive alcoholic who undermined my best efforts to be myself and embrace my own purpose. I was fortunate to have a mentor who walked me through the landmine of being inviting without asking for more damage. I'd love to tell you that it all worked out, but it didn't. She remained abusive until the end, but I can look in the mirror and feel proud that I gave her every opportunity to know me and love me. I gave her every chance for a real relationship.

I didn't always handle everything well, sometimes I handled everything badly, but I'm left with no regret.

The day may come when you will have to cut ties with him, I feel confident that you and you alone will know if that day has come.

In the meantime, do your best to be true to yourself and your goals during the holidays, compromise your diet only to the extent that it serves your purpose of relationship without damaging your health. For example, if you've been low-fat raw and eat a full American Thanksgiving Day meal, you will be sick afterwards, probably.

Consider the book The Pathway by Laurel Mellin, it's been a life rope to me.

Deborah

[Ginger]

You also make a plate of good raw stuff but thow a little turkey or whatever on there & kinda cut it up & move it around without actually eating it! :D

[bittersweet]

You also make a plate of good raw stuff but thow a little turkey or whatever on there & kinda cut it up & move it around without actually eating it! :D


Wish it was as easy as that... this isn't going to work anymore.

[Biff]

Rawnora has some good points.

If it were me, and my father was paying for my college, I would consider eating some cooked food for Thanksgiving, and maybe a Christmas dinner. Two meals out of the year really would not be that bad.

Think of it like this - let's say that he is paying $10,000 a year for your education. I know that I would eat two well-combined cooked meals a year for $5,000 a plate to keep the peace with my father for a few years.

Right now, your education is more important than a couple of cooked meals a year. Once you have a job, and have your own money, you will be able to support the lifestyle that you choose.

After college, you can talk to him like two adults, and the balance of power will actually be with you - since you will be the one who might have his grandchildren. He will need to treat you like an adult and listen. Tell your dad about all of the things that raw can help prevent - heart disease, prostate cancer. All of the things that his friends are going through. That might be a good way to get him to sit down with you and actually listen to what you are saying.

[michigan roman]

a book that turned me from vegan to raw = raw fruit and vegi juices by norman walker (whom lived as a raw foodist to be 118 ) .
can be bought mail order for $10 from norwalk press in prescot arizona .
in first 35 pages of this simple but enlightening book i was convinced for evermore that raw plant matter is what we best exist on .

[DavidZaneMason]

The above posts are great! Take responsibility for YOUR feelings. You can't control another individual (especially family! ha! ha!)

-You certainly can't expect others who might be doing the wrong thing, to understand you or your lifestyles. All you can do is be a support to THEM.

-Practical suggestion: Bring your own fruit / veggie plate. Eat exclusively off of that plate. If your family asks (don't volunteer ANY information) then say you are trying to eat all fresh fruits and veggies. This usually makes sense to folks. Even die-hard poor eaters generally recognize the idea that eating more fresh fruits and vegetables is healthy for you.

-You don't have to draw lines in the sand and force other people to cross them. Simply set dignity boundaries for yourself that you do not cross. You won't have to be defensive or take up an ultimatum position.

-Just some suggestions. Power to you.

-David Z. Mason

[Vandy]

Two thanksgivings ago, I stood my ground and ate ALL raw while 23 other people at the table stared at my huge plate of pears and a huge salad. It took a long time for my parents to understand, but I stood my ground, and now I am hugely respected for it. How much does this mean to you? Of course, it is natural to be frightened, but you have a choice to let it affect you or for you to EFFECT it.

[Vandy]

Two thanksgivings ago, I stood my ground and ate ALL raw while 23 other people at the table stared at my huge plate of pears and a huge salad. It took a long time for my parents to understand, but I stood my ground, and now I am hugely respected for it. How much does this mean to you? Of course, it is natural to be frightened, but you have a choice to let it affect you or for you to EFFECT it. Now, I have half of my family eating raw with me this coming thanksgiving...there is hope, but you gotta get through the rain to see the rainbow.

[Sharon in Colorado]

I've been reading this thread and holding back on some advice, but after reading the myriad of suggestions these are my thoughts.

You are an adult.

Whether or not he's your father, whether or not he's paying for your school, whether or not he thinks you have an eating disorder, it is no longer his problem.

He can worry, threaten, humiliate and intimidate you all he can, and you can let him do it, take it personally or not.

But this is YOUR body now, you are no longer under his care or responsibility.

When you lend or give someone money, it is his business how he spends it.

When you have someone over for dinner, it is his business what and how he chooses to eat.

You eat what YOU want on Thanksgiving, not what HE wants you to eat. If you want raw, eat it. If you want cooked, than eat it. You do not need to make excuses or explanations or apologies as to what YOU want to eat.

And by him gossiping to other family members untruths about you, he's going to have to deal with his OWN consequences, it is HIS problem, not yours.

What you have to work on here is how to not let that bother you or make you sick. Work on being happy in your life and not allowing it to torment you, because he will see that and take advantage.

Make no apologies, this is where you are in your life, and this is where he is in his life.

When he sees that you are comfortable and happy and healthy, things will turn around, but if you are in any way giving him messages of your weakness, he will pick up on that.

I wish you all the best - this is a time for love, family, freedom and thankfullness. I hope you each find that in one another.

[Pailani]

there are lots of raw foods that are less healthy than some simple cooked foods and as a new raw fooder you most likely eat some of them (unhealthy raw foods). You can bet that if most raw fooders don't know this, the people you'll be eating with don't know it either.

At a typical Thanksgiving meal, what would those foods be?

I imagine that her family will be watching like a hawk to see if she eats the turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie - the meat ("for protein") and the standard holiday traditional foods (to "prove" that she's normal and not extreme).

[StudentforLife]

Wow, that is really unfortunate.

I don't know how possible this is with you being in college and all, but maybe you could bring a raw decadent dessert with you and not tell your relatives that it's raw. I know Alissa has a pecan pie recipe in her book, and I saw a post on here about chocolate cheesecake.

Even cooked food eaters love these and don't know it's raw until you tell them, just don't tell them. Then you yourself can pig out on it and appear to look unhealthy with the rest of them.

I think the important thing to remember is that you are an adult now. No matter what decision you make, make it with dignity and confidence. You can't let them see your insecurities.

Like a rock, baby, like a rock!

[Amberly]

I suggest sticking to your guns.

If yo uwaver then he will think that you are not really sure of your decision, and that you must not really have researched the idea enough to truly feel it is best.

It will take time for him to get used to.

My parents are just beginning to accept that I am an atheist.

Good Luck.

[Lay-Lay]

I've been reading this thread and holding back on some advice, but after reading the myriad of suggestions these are my thoughts.

You are an adult.

Whether or not he's your father, whether or not he's paying for your school, whether or not he thinks you have an eating disorder, it is no longer his problem.

He can worry, threaten, humiliate and intimidate you all he can, and you can let him do it, take it personally or not.

But this is YOUR body now, you are no longer under his care or responsibility.

When you lend or give someone money, it is his business how he spends it.

When you have someone over for dinner, it is his business what and how he chooses to eat.

You eat what YOU want on Thanksgiving, not what HE wants you to eat. If you want raw, eat it. If you want cooked, than eat it. You do not need to make excuses or explanations or apologies as to what YOU want to eat.

And by him gossiping to other family members untruths about you, he's going to have to deal with his OWN consequences, it is HIS problem, not yours.

What you have to work on here is how to not let that bother you or make you sick. Work on being happy in your life and not allowing it to torment you, because he will see that and take advantage.

Make no apologies, this is where you are in your life, and this is where he is in his life.

When he sees that you are comfortable and happy and healthy, things will turn around, but if you are in any way giving him messages of your weakness, he will pick up on that.

I wish you all the best - this is a time for love, family, freedom and thankfullness. I hope you each find that in one another.

I ditto that!

[yeahbethany]

I just watched the following video yesterday, and it is perfect and very inspiring. Lennie talks about compassionate eating for a peaceful world, and she addresses a lot of the social/family issues involved with being veg/vegan/raw.

http://www.archive.org/details/OrganicAthlete_2006_09_30_Lennie_Mowris

Hope this helps!

Love,
Bethany

[Sharon in Colorado]

I just watched the following video yesterday, and it is perfect and very inspiring. Lennie talks about compassionate eating for a peaceful world, and she addresses a lot of the social/family issues involved with being veg/vegan/raw.

http://www.archive.org/details/OrganicAthlete_2006_09_30_Lennie_Mowris

Hope this helps!

Love,
Bethany

That was a great video, Bethany, I posted it in a new thread, I'm hoping more people will watch it.

It's all good, but the social aspect of it starts about a third of the way through.

[star1919]

Hi Bittersweet...


I admire your writing your Dad regarding your feelings about this. Even if he didn't respond at this time... you have given him an opportunity to know how you feel. That has value.

It is easy to understand... your feeling nervous about your trip home for Thanksgiving. However you decide to handle it, I encourage you to stay positive with yourself and your choices... to remind yourself that most of the time (at college) you can freely choose what you eat without this pressure.

When I first started eating raw vegan, the question or concern I heard the most was about protein. What I realized is that many people have an idea of what they consider 'healthy eating'. And, they believe that as strongly as some of us do about raw vegan. So, if they express concern... it is often well intended and something they truly believe.

I have learned not to dispute that or try to convince anyone about my choices or theirs. What we eat in a day... is a choice each of us makes with conviction or just out of habit. I prefer to seek common ground in those situations... talking about other things positively. I am very respectful of others beliefs and opinions. It helps.

My guess is that your Dad cares a lot about you... which is why he cares what you're eating. And, helping you with college etc. So, even if there are things you don't agree about... there is value in that care, and in a family. It doesn't sound like he has handled this very well with you... but as time goes on he may be more accepting of it... especially if he sees how healthy and happy you are.

All the best to you with this... :p

[goodbeets]

Have you ever asked him this? If you did what YOU want/needed for your body would he quit paying for school? How about if you took a course on nutrition and did your final paper on raw foods? Would he accept any information like books or articles on vegetarianism? Veganism? Raw? If he totally freaks out then maybe just duck and get through college. I know it is important to stick to your guns but if it is in front of a missle, well then, there will be know chance to teach him later like when he holds his grandchild and accepts you a teensy weensy bit more like an adult. There is usually lots of squash at thanksgiving!! I hope all these replies are not making things any worse for you.

[ilovesalads]

Bittersweet,
my advice to you is that in all your actions, words, thoughts, and speech--just do it with love.
this earth school is here to test us all--whether diet or health, if we have love nothing can go wrong.

so prepare yourself for your family as i have done in the past on every holiday, by helping prepare the food, creating a beautiful dish (my signature rainbow fruit salad) or simply by saying the prayer before the dinner thanking the divine for who we are and the energy and the nourishment the food will provide.

trust me, i come from a family who i have challenged, but thru time they have come to accept what i believe and do.

shakti love.

[rawnora]

At a typical Thanksgiving meal, what would those foods be?


It depends on how much cooperation a person could get from the one doing the cooking because, ideally, things should be cooked as lightly as possible and not be made too complicated with toppings, condiments, spices, etc. Like simple cooked yams (with butter if necessary, but no margarine) would be okay, but the monstrosity that is more often seen at Thanksgiving -- canned yams topped with marshmallows, etc. -- would not.

Proper combining would be important and would greatly decrease the potential for negative after-effects (symptoms). If a person wanted to avoid meat, yams or potatoes would combine well with other veggies and salad. If meat was acceptable, simple, unadorned meats like roast turkey, chicken or beef (no ham!) would combine well with salad or non-starchy veggies. These foods could all be eaten in small quantities, just for appearances, and the person could bring lots of raw foods to eat as well.

My previous comments notwithstanding, if bringing supplemental raw food is out of the question, I'd seriously think about finding other ways to finance my education, because nobody should be so threatened over another person's eating habits that they make her empty her purse at the door.

Warm regards,
Nora
www.RawSchool.com

[ShelShel]

Ok...I read all the posts and I have to say this. Yes, RawNora...I totally agree with you. Absolutely, in a healthy SAD family yams would be lightly cooked with only butter...unfortunately, if she is looking at all at a family like mine...watch out! :eek: Let the death by food start here.
Typical SAD Thanksgiving in our neck of the woods...Turkey basted in butter, stuffed with stuffing that has bread crumbs (already seasoned...who knows what hides in there) :add butter, eggs, celery,parmesean cheese, and hot water. Followed by gravy that hasn't had all the fat drained from it before making and a bit of butter added at the end. Next there are those yams discussed above, but before the marshmellows are placed, you top the yams with butter and brown sugar...the veggies that are actually offered come from a can. The mashed potatoes offered would be ok if not for all the milk and butter added to make them creamy! :eek: The list goes on and on. At least in our home. And I said this to say...where in that paragraph of food lies the one piece of raw food? No where. And that is probably her problem in all this.
HOWEVER, I still feel...if he's paying for your education...this can make or break your future. Eat the stupid meal...move on when you leave his house, with the complete understanding that it's not perfect, but what is in this world?!?! :rolleyes: Before raw, you probably ate this stuff all the time...what's the harm in one meal? Like RawNora said, don't let it get you to backslide. Who knows though...if you are anything like me...you will almost pass out after eating it...and sleep for several hours. That should shock him a bit! Perhaps after that he will understand what's wrong with the cooked food and your system! My husband only had to watch it happen a few times before he encouraged me to go 100% raw! And he's a SAD eater still.
Sometimes we can't change the circumstances around us...we must do our best to survive them and move on. When you finish school is the time to confront your dad...not before. You want this education...you do not want to be stuck paying for it for years. All he wants is a normal SAD meal...go for it. Then get right back on track. Don't sweat the little stuff. ;)

[PantryRaider]

Who knows though...if you are anything like me...you will almost pass out after eating it...and sleep for several hours. That should shock him a bit! Perhaps after that he will understand what's wrong with the cooked food and your system! ;)

I don't miss that feeling like a beached whale after eating Thanksgiving dinner. Although I don't think I am even more than 50% raw at this point (hey I just embarked on this raw journey a couple months ago), I stopped making the "traditional" Thanksgiving dinner about 6 years ago. I have been a low-or-no fat purist since being diagnosed with terminal heart disease, and I just won't eat anything unless I know what is in it.

Anyway... the bottom line is that my relatives no longer invite me to Thanksgiving dinner and I no longer invite them. I think I have been too vocal about a lot of dietary issues. No one wants to hear they shouldn't eat that cooked high fat crap. Anyway, this has nothing to do with being raw or not... but, everything to do with one's dietary choices and whether it fits in with everyone elses conception or perception of what one should consume on Thanksgiving. At this point (as last year), I imagine I will again spend this Thanksgiving in a rather solitary manner. Such is life when one remains true to their diet convictions.

I plan to fix some raw or nearly raw fare for my own pleasure for Thanksgiving day... and then afterward.... go out to a nature trail here and maybe go for a the solitude of a 4 mile run by myself. Oddly enough, I am kinda looking forward to that.

The interesting part of all this is that I introduced my 84 year old father to green smoothies on October 14. He likes them! Imagine my surprise to find out that he drinks them every day! I think I should ask him if he wants to skip dinner at the other side of the family and go for a walk in the woods instead.

[star1919]

Hey Bittersweet... What matters is what is right for you.

Family and friendships can be such an important part of our lives.

You are worthy of your parent's help with college... they want the best for you.

[bittersweet]

Those are great posts above, and I can see the sense in going either way.

Another consideration is, how much 'normal' food would you have to eat to keep the peace? If it's only one dinner, it might be worth eating a few cooked but well-chosen, well-combined foods. Eating raw is not a religion. It should be about being healthy, not some strict principle that doesn't make any sense objectively. In other words, there are lots of raw foods that are less healthy than some simple cooked foods and as a new raw fooder you most likely eat some of them (unhealthy raw foods). You can bet that if most raw fooders don't know this, the people you'll be eating with don't know it either. You'll be able to give the appearance of abusing yourself without really doing so. :)

Whether you can get away with it physically without feeling awful the next day will depend on how long you've been raw, and whether you can eat small quantities and draw the line at those few designated foods without going into a full blown backsliding frenzy.

If your education is being paid for in full, that's a lot to lay on the line for the sake of your diet. And if it's just Thanksgiving, it is only one meal. Your dad probably feels like he has a right to say what you should do with your life for now, even perhaps down to the way you take care of yourself, if he's making such a big investment in you. That's the way it works with parents sometimes.

I'm not sure which way I'd go, but I think you should give yourself some slack and forgive yourself if you do have to compromise. Principles are great but they don't pay the bills. You have to think about what serves *your* long term best interests.

Well I think we have all possible angles covered now! :) However, I think it's important that you not take any of our comments too much to heart since only you know all the factors that are involved. Thanks for asking our thoughts and best of luck w/ whatever you decide to do.

Kind regards,
Nora
www.RawSchool.com

While I appreciate these kind words I feel as though they don't help. Although I have only been raw vegan for about a year and a half, I do not feel like a beginner. In fact, I feel as though I have a very refined diet. I eat a lowfat hygine-style diet, mostly mono fruits.
I also eat some fresh greens, etc. but I do not eat gourmet food, and the closest I get to a recipe is a blended salad/soup type meal, and that is only occationally. Even Lara bars make me feel sick. More than a few bites of avocado, and I feel less well. Thus, no way I can just make raw recipes and get by.
I really don't know what to do. I'm still panicking.
Sharon's post felt closest to what I need, but I am still fretting so badly that I'm not sleeping.
Any thoughts? Please...

[rawnora]

While I appreciate these kind words I feel as though they don't help. Although I have only been raw vegan for about a year and a half, I do not feel like a beginner. In fact, I feel as though I have a very refined diet. I eat a lowfat hygine-style diet, mostly mono fruits.
I also eat some fresh greens, etc. but I do not eat gourmet food, and the closest I get to a recipe is a blended salad/soup type meal, and that is only occationally. Even Lara bars make me feel sick. More than a few bites of avocado, and I feel less well. Thus, no way I can just make raw recipes and get by.
I really don't know what to do. I'm still panicking.
Sharon's post felt closest to what I need, but I am still fretting so badly that I'm not sleeping.
Any thoughts? Please...

As I mentioned, a lot of what you'll need to do will depend on your specific circumstances, and you have to remember that we are offering advice without having all the relevant information. It's true that a brand new raw fooder would have less of a problem with the physical after-effects than someone who's been eating mono for a year or more. On the other hand, a long term raw fooder would have less of a tendency to let the situation develop into a serious backslide. So there are advantages on both sides.

The way you're eating currently reveals a lot of commitment and resolve on your part. Incorporating a hygienic-style diet into our lives involves a major shift in the way we socialize and otherwise conduct our lives. Your dad clearly has no idea the seriousness with which you've undertaken this attempt to be the healthiest you can be. It is an extremely responsible and commendable thing you've done. It is sad that something so worthy of pride is being condemned, essentially. I have to say that knowing a bit more about the situation, I tend also to agree more with Sharon's comments.

Obviously there are going to be no easy answers. I hope you find a way to deal with the situation without it costing you either your education or the great progress you've made with your diet.

Best wishes,
Nora
www.RawSchool.com

[ShelShel]

Ok...I'm shocked. How did you get to such a mono strict diet and your father not know? :eek: I'm like forever explaining my eating choices to all my family because they are so concerned with all the weight I've lost! I need to keep reassuring them that I am eating.
My question...is your father so nervous because you haven't been sharing all along and the only thing he is seeing is your weight loss? I'm trying to understand...not be in your business. I just know...even though my family all say...they couldn't do it...they know exactly "what" I'm doing. Because I have shared.
Have you not shared at all...and been away at school for months just to come home changed? That could scare any parent...especially if you have changed physically from what they are used to. ;) Not that I feel you have done anything wrong, but I'm trying to help you understand from their perspective maybe.
Perhaps...it would be best not to go home at all. You seem very upset by all this expectation being put on you and the emotional stress you are putting your body through just isn't worth it.
Give yourself some peace and make a decision you can comfortably live with. Like RawNora says...none of us know all the "background" on this relationship with your dad. So...we are just throwing out ideas...hoping we hit on one that will help. ;)
Just for the record...I'm really proud of your accomplishments in Raw! If you are this far along...don't wound your body by eating cooked food. (I know I just can't go back...ever.) Just don't throw away your education either. Secondly, if it makes you that nervous to go home and have a confrontation about it...don't go. Visit your family when it's not a holiday. Or before the holiday. Celebrate with time spent, not food eaten. Raw (((HUGS))) You are in my prayers.

[bittersweet]

we're not a very connected family... and I guess I've snuck around after the forced meat-eating

[VeryBerry]

Bittersweet,

I feel your pain, I really do. I had a terrible relationship with my mother all my life. We don't have any specific issues, just uncompatible personalities. She made my life a living **** when I was teenager. I made an effort to get along with her and I know she made an effort, we talked about our relationship... but in the end it is all the same, any time I go over there we either end up fighting or I end up coming home in a terrible mood. She just has this need to "fix" me, whe there is nothing to be fixed, always keeps giving me annoying advice and suggestions about what I should do with my life.

Now I made a decision to see her as little as I can, even though she lives 5 minutes away from me. It is juts not worth it.

[VeryBerry]

I completely agree with Sharons post. I really don't think you father will stop paying for your education if you refuse to eat thankdgiving turky. Even if you did have an eating disorder, I think most parents would still pay for your education.
Don't be afraid to stand you ground.

[bittersweet]

Thanks. I really need to figure out what to do/how to go about doing it.

[Sharon in Colorado]

Forewarning them might help. Especially if you feel like you were forced to eat something in the past. You have to nip that kind of behavior in the bud.

Something like:

"I eat a ton of fresh fruits and salads now. I will be picking up something while I'm in town and prepare it for myself. And I'd love to help with the rest of the meal."

or

"This is the way I like to eat and I'm not interested in getting into a debate about it."

or

"If you are going to have a problem with the way I eat, please let me know now, so that I can make other arrangements for Thanksgiving".

I would just make it very cut and dry. Avoid getting into why you do it, just let them know that this is the way you eat.

I am curious what you already wrote in the letter. It sounds like that may have already been a forewarning to them.

[catscharm74]

Believe me, I can relate. I became a vegan many years ago, right about 3 months before Thanksgiving. Now, I grew up in an Italian family where life revolved around food (and my hips...) ;) I was the cook at all major events and the year I announced I would no longer eat meat or do the cooking (killing) I was treated like a weirdo by my family and all I got were mean comments on my lifestyle. All of a sudden, my lifestyle was so interesting to everyone to put their 2 cents in. I stuck to my guns. I found family members who for some reason didn't want to be around me. I realized, after a lot of tears and frustration, I need to be me. If they can't accept it, then so be it. I wasn't putting it in their face, just really not eating their food. I don't know what to tell you other than do what feels right for you and good luck. I know you will make the right decision.

P.S. As far as money goes, people often use that as an excuse to keep someone around. What is your relationship going to be after you graduate and he is no longer holding that over you? Just something to think about.

[Light of an Angel]

IMHO this is a control issue. Your father believes that because he is paying for your school he can also control everything alse about you including your diet. Do not buy into this. If his intentions are good and he is helping you out financially out of generosity then he will be fine when you stand your ground. My aunt has helped me with paying for my collage but had all these expectations about me becoming a business woman. After I changed my mind about my major she stopped paying for my school. When she was still paying for my collage I felt like you. I was afraid to say or do anything that she would not approve off. Standing my own ground was the best thing that I have ever done in my life. I felt responsible for my own life and good about who I was and the choices I was making. Sure it was hard not to get that financial support but the sense of freedom and joy I got was worthed much more than a college tuition.

[Luna T]

First off, I want to say that I think Sharon in Colorado had a great post!

I'm sorry that you have to deal with pressure from your family. I don't undertsand why people, either well intentioned or from control issues want to make other people eat. One thing I can tell you from my own experiecne is that while the pressure may wain, it never seems to go away completely. If it's not your family, it may be others in your life who try to convince you your wrong. So it's important to learn how to approach it.

I think that people don't understand certain lifestyles of eating and it's important to come across as a strong, knowledgable and self-assured person when presenting your case. (even if the teenage mentality wants to kick in...as it does with me when I get angry) Fight it and present like an adult.
Stay consistent and don't doubt yourself. Carry yourself with grace and occasionally make a really yummy raw item for them and present it with enthusiasm. (be ready to inform them with a plethera or nutritional information to go along with it)

Perhaps you can find a way to look at the badgering not as a victim, but as an opportunity to inspire others to be healthier. Once they see your gracious demeaner, radiant glow and inner peace, they won't be able to argue. It might take awhile, but eventually it will pay off. They might not undertsand your path, but they will recognize that you have something they wish they had a part of.

Be strong, stand your ground and respect yourself