Dealing with a partner who disagrees

[VeryBerry]

How do you deal with a partner who does not agree with the raw food diet?

I don't have any kids, but plan to have them in a few years.
My boyfriend, who I live with, does not know that I am doing the 100% raw diet, I always ate lots of fruits and veggies so he did not even notice the change.

Yesterday we were talking about kids and I casually mentioned that I want the kid to be a "raw foodist". My bf said "Are you insane?", I think he thought I was kidding. I did not continue the conversation, sinse it is not an issue right now. But is may become a HUGE issue in the future.

How do you deal with grandparents who nag the kids to finish their pasta? I watch my mother in law do it to my 2 nieces this weekend and tried to gently tell her to leave them alone. I doubt I would be so "gentle" if they were my kids. How do you live a healthy lifestyle while keeping peace in the family?

[Sharon in Colorado]

If he reacted that way to your comment, my thoughts are that he doesn't know much about the health benefits of a raw food diet. You mentioned that he doesn't even know you are doing all raw. One day he is going to look at you and be quite shocked at how much more awesome you look and maybe that is when you spring it on him, I mean introduce him to it.

As to outside family like grandmas, aunts, etc. that is no big deal. As long as the parents are in agreement on how their child should be eating, it does not matter how outsiders think. People have to deal with their children's allergies and food dislikes, it is the same with a different diet by choice for health. You just feed them how you want, and learn to deal with them eating outside of the house by both informing others and bringing their own food to eat.

[emily]

VeryBerry, I know exactly what you mean! My husband and I are pretty much on the same page with our diet (he's a little more skeptical of an all out raw food diet, but happy to incorporate raw meals) - but our parents... I heard his parents talk about how it's a grandparents' "job" to take the grandkids to McDonald's *horrified gasp* What to do? We don't plan on having kids for a few years, but when that happens... I don't know. We don't want to hurt our parents' feelings, or become the subject of family-gathering eye-rolling. It's easier for me to talk to my parents about it, but I think it will harder for me with his. So I'd love any thoughts on this, too.

[Sharon in Colorado]

Can't help but answer this question too.

As a parent, trust me, people will always find something they disagree with about your parenting. Friends and relatives alike. If it's not your food choices for your children, it'll be how restrictive you are with them, or how liberal you are with them. It's always something, so I would not worry about the diet.

Also when you become a parent, you will be happy to own the right to parent the way you choose, and you will not need to apologize or explain to anybody why you choose to raise your kids the way you do.

[VeryBerry]

He knows that I am into healthy eating & vegetarinism, but did not talk to him or anyone exept my sister about beeing 100% raw. I am just afraid that they will freak out.

My sister, who has been vegetarian for years, had a strange reaction, more like a no reaction. She said "That is how I eat too, I don't like to cook", this is mainly because of all the yammy raw recipes I taught her and the blender I gave her when I bought my Vitamix. Now she makes smoothies & raw soups all the time. She also eats bread, sweets and some dairy. She did not really believe that being 100% raw is such a cook idea.

As for my boyfriend he is as regular as they come when it comes to food. We discussed vegetarianism before and I tried to persuade him to give up meat.
He seems to agree that killing animals for food is cruel, but believe that this is the way it has to be. He sais that his food has to be cooked, otherwise he feels hungry. He also smokes and drinks beer. He keeps talking about wanting to be healthier, but does not do it.

I think I know what I am going to do. I am going to start making more raw food for him. Salads, juice, smoothies. From my experience the more raw food you eat, the more you will crave. He does not mind salads and smoothies & juices they just have do be really basic, he doed not like anything "creative".

He is really stabborn with his opinions, he does not change his mind about things very easily. Does anyone know a book or a website that could convert a non believer.

[VeryBerry]

I usually have the perfect meal when I go to my inlaws for branch. A big salad with lettece, tomatoes & cucumbers & some fruit for desert. I watch them eat pasta and other junk and have absolutly no desire to have it.
Last time I was over my father-in-law said "Nicole, next time can we go to the supermarket with you so that we can see what kind of food you buy and cook, so that we can make it for you". People really have such a hard time believing that a salad & some fruit is enough. I actually feel stuffed when I eat there.

[Pierre]

Are you sure this is the man you want to spend your life with and have kids with? I'd have a very hard time being married to someone who eats McDonalds, smokes, or refuses to listen to the truth.

I think that making him raw food is a great idea. I suggest including some fat (olives, coconut, avocado), as it's filling, and will help him detox whatever's stored in his fat, which I'm sure is a lot.

Also please have a long talk about how you want to raise kids. It is highly important that you agree on this before you start.

[VeryBerry]

Pierre,

I would have to disagree with you here. Love is not easy to come by, and it seems silly to me end a perfectly good relationship or even start a fight over something like this.

The guy I am with is a very nice stable man, has great personality & easy to get along with. He just thinks like most people. Beeing raw vegan is still very rear in our society today.

Thanks for the advice. I will have to take it slow with him, since he does not like trying new foods.

[Forever Young]

Veryberry, I believe he already answered you loud and clear about the lifestyle he chooses for himself, good luck. Forever young :cool:

[fruitlove]

Veryberry,

try giving him Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You To Know About by Kevin Trudeau

It certainly changed my man.

[catscharm74]

I was going to say that if you plan on marrying, you are headed for trouble if you can't get things together now. I don't mean to sound well mean, but I would hate for you to marry and be unhappy and then throw kids into and it is a mess!!! As far as other people, do what you want and don't hide. It makes things worse. :( Believe me, I know. I am who am and accept me for it. Come take my hand and walk beside me or be gone...that is how I feel!!!

[juliebove]

Pierre,

I would have to disagree with you here. Love is not easy to come by, and it seems silly to me end a perfectly good relationship or even start a fight over something like this.

The guy I am with is a very nice stable man, has great personality & easy to get along with. He just thinks like most people. Beeing raw vegan is still very rear in our society today.

Thanks for the advice. I will have to take it slow with him, since he does not like trying new foods.


A person who loves you does not question your sanity.

I dismissed things like this and married the man that I did. Things have gone downhill, and I mean waaaay downhill from the day I married him.

His food demands got greater and greater to the point where I am pretty much cooking/providing separate meals for him. Even at that there are complaints. My daughter and I have food allergies in addition to the raw diet. And she is not totally raw. So it is common for me to have to make three separate meals. I don't mind making something different for her because she *is* allergic to so many things. But I've grown tired of making different things for him because he refuses to eat anything that is good for him. So mainly I've been buying him prepared foods. He has been complaining about this and wants freshly cooked foods. No leftovers. Cooking for one is very difficult like this.

And it doesn't just stop with food. He has started trying to control pretty much everything in my life. Where I sit. What I do. What I wear, etc. His way is better. Always better.

This has lead to a divided house. He has his half. My daughter and I have our half. The kitchen is shared although he still expects me to get his food for him. He has no interest whatever in cooking or learning to prepare food and he just won't do it, aside from eggs for breakfast. I refuse to prepare those because I am allergic. He also doesn't believe in food allergies.

As for the issue of relatives and pushing food on children, this is one I can relate to. My paternal grandma was a huge food pusher as are all of my husband's relatives. They are Italian. At least they are good in terms of my diet and will not push me to eat something they know I don't want to. They will go out of their way to accomate my way of eating when they know in advance I am coming. They do not get upset if I choose not to eat with them when I've just stopped by unannouced and I choose to eat elsewhere.

But oh they do push the food! They will go out and buy things I *do* eat but push them on me at times I don't want to eat. And then they act offended if I don't take them. So I either thank them and take some home with me, or try just one bite. Which ever I think I can do at the moment.

As for the kids and the "clean plate" club, in their case I think it is a matter of not wanting to waste food. The part of the country they live in is not an overly wealthy area. So what I do in that case is to dish up my daughter's food myself, taking only tiny portions of those things she can eat. Then if she wants more, she can have more. In their eyes, taking more is a good thing! If they insist on taking it up themselves, then I caution them to give her only one spoonful or whatever measure would be a small amount.

I do not personally believe that everyone must clean their plate and at home it is not a big deal to me. At other people's houses and "serve yourself" restaurants, I do feel it is important not to waste "their" food. I have impressed this upon my daughter. Not to take a lot of something just because it looks good. Take a little. Then taste it and if you like it, take more.

If it's a case of something I don't want her to have, I get mixed reactions. Obviously she *can't* have some things because of her food allergies. But there are some foods/drinks I simply do not think are healthy and she generally can't have those unless it is a special occasion and there are no other options. For instance, the class party where they served Gatorade. Normally I would not allow her to have this so she turned it down. Then she went thirsty. Alas, I was not there at the time of the party so I didn't know. But if this had been at my inlaw's house, they (at least some of them) would wait until I wasn't around, then sneak the Gatorade to her, telling her that she should really have it and not to tell me. This would anger her. Depending on who the person was, she might or might not drink it. Either way by the time she'd see me she'd be in tears, upset at being forced or feeling like she was being forced to do something she wasn't supposed to do.

My inlaws also complain that I am too strict with her about her diet and that "kids should be allowed to eat what they want". To this I reply, "That's fine. Your kids can do that. Mine is on a special diet, given to her by her Dr. and she needs to eat like this for her health."

I seem to be one of the rare few here who has mentioned the raw vegan diet to all of my Drs. and every one of them has approved of it. Perhaps in the back of their mind they have doubts. Perhaps this is why they seem to order up every blood, urine and every other test they can think of. But the tests generally show nothing wrong. So they tell me to keep doing what I've been going! :D I did have a bit of a dirty look from one Dr. my daughter saw. When she said, "What does she eat?", in reference to her food allergies. "Fruits and vegetables, mainly", was my reply. She didn't exactly say anything but gave me a bit of a dirty look. Heh!

[Pierre]

My parents both smoked when I was a kid. (My mother has quit and is still alive; my father did not and died.) The smell was terrible, especially when I was in the back seat of the car. Please do not let your children be subjected to this.

You are a rare jewel in North America. You deserve a better man than this.

Please don't trust love to find you a match. Love is blind. Ask your friends, who can evaluate someone without getting clouded by emotions, to find you someone. I've tried that and around here a suitable woman doesn't exist, so I'm going to go overseas and see if someone there, known to a friend of mine here, can find me someone.

[The_Breatharian_One]

Yesterday we were talking about kids and I casually mentioned that I want the kid to be a "raw foodist". My bf said "Are you insane?", I think he thought I was kidding.

How would you react if he said he wants the kid to adopt a paleo diet which consists primarily of raw meat ?

...in a similar fashion, I'd imagine.

[Revvell]

I'm curious why one would want to be with someone they feel the need to "convert". Seems much easier to find someone who is already on the same page. That's what I did. It's called KISS (keep it simple sexy)

How would you feel if your "partner" was looking for books or something to "convert" you to his lifestyle?

I gave up on someone who ate meat, smoke and drank a looooong time ago. Used the word "love" about him too.

IF you stay with this man in a few years you'll be writing this forum asking how to deal with a man who eats meat, smokes and drinks and refuses to raise your children raw. How sad is that vision?

Revvell

[lily]

My mother always said to me 'don't ever marry a man thinking that you're going to change him -- it never works' -- well, I didn't, but I've seen the problems of many who have.

However wonderful he is, if you can't agree on something as fundamental as diet and how you're going to raise your kids now, while you're in the early stages of 'love', how do you think it's going to be when some of the gloss has worn off?

Trust the universe to bring you someone who will truly respect and support you in your beliefs... you deserve it...

lily

[smiley]

Hi! I would give Tonya Zavosta as an example. She has written a few books on raw beauty and has been 100% raw now for about 12 years. Her husband eats the typical SAD diet. She says that love and friendship should not be based only on what we eat. There is so much more to people than what they eat! In fact, there are a few 100% raw foodists that I would not want to be friends with due to their general personality. Support is very important. Your friend and/or partner should support you as you should support them.

As far as children go, it is important to be on the same page and come to some agreements. It would be good to educate your partner on the benefits of raw...not necessarily to change your partner (but if they make improvements too, yeah!)...but to help them be more open-minded and supportive as far as the children go. Show them examples of other healthy raw children (for example, www.thegardendiet.com).

Just my thoughts! :) Verawnika

[Free Energy]

Hi VerryBerry,

Wow, so much information here. I met a well known raw-foodist who wouldn't throw away her obese, meat eating, processed food guzzling husband. She lived her life the way she wanted and he chose the way he wanted to live his life. They loved each other unconditionally, meaning without judgement. After 10 years, he is finally going 100% raw. No one is going to do what we want them to do until they are ready and not before.

I know it's difficult to be around cooked people but we need to be at peace with them. When I was living with my boyfriend, (we're married now) I only made raw food. He woke up a raw vegan one morning. If he wanted to eat cooked food he'd have to make it himself. He was still eating a cooked lunch at work and drank coffee, but that eventually faded out as he saw how beautiful and healthy I was becoming after just one month. He also loved all the food I was making and made the switch to 100% 1 month later.

You seem like the type of person that does not give up on a relationship just because someone doesn't see it your way. A good movie for him to watch would be "A Diet for All Reasons" by Dr. Klaper. Click on the link below to order a copy. It will at least be an "eye opener". And you are doing the right thing by making some irresistible yummy raw food. Try the pizza recipe and pesto stuffed mushrooms from Alissa's book. At least he will be eating mostly raw food and he will feel and see the difference in his appearance soon enough.

A Diet for All Reasons (http://www.vegsource.com/klaper/mail_order.htm)
Let us know how it goes.

[Sharon in Colorado]

I am not so sure I agree with the ones saying you shouldn't be with him because of your differences.

You could have someone who is raw also and supports health and animal welfare and all that, but is a big pain in the you know what to live with.

We all don't know about your relationship enough to judge that he's not a good match for you.

It could be just ignorance on his part about the raw diet.

On the other hand, if he's generally a difficult, negative and stubborn person, then yes, that could present a problem between the two of you in marriage and raising children.

My husband didn't propose to me until we were equally yoked, but I didn't come to the Lord just to marry him, actually I didn't even think about marriage in general, let alone marrying him. It was my own decision based on research and lots of reading and praying to let God into my heart. I don't regret my decision for a second and my life has been truly enriched walking with the Lord.

So, yes I agree that pushing your ideas on him wouldn't be an answer, but at the same time, you may really want to rethink being with someone who totally butts heads with you on issues that are important to you.

However, if he is supportive of what you do even though he may not want it for himself, there is certainly nothing wrong with that!

[Shanna77]

I am a mother of a 2 1/2 year old and it was not easy to try and tell people why she eats the way she eats. But The more I tell people how she has never been sick has never had an ear infection and is the mildest tempered 2 year old they start to come around. Family is difficult because they all think they know best. But educate them on your lifestyle. Good luck

Shanna

[VeryBerry]

Thank you all so much for such a great response.

So last night I told my boyfriend I have been 100% raw for the past month, and I feel great.
His reaction? I don't think he even blinked. I got the same no reaction from my sister. I am guessing that I was high raw for so long they though it was the same as 100%. Then I said "Just don't tell my mom, I don't want her to freak out" He said "Why, does she think you have to eat cooked food?"
I was quite surprised and pleased. A few weeks ago he said that he wished he could eat like me, but he would just be too hungry.

So I was thinking, if we have a kid and I feed the kid all raw, he might not even notice, unless I make a big issue out of it.

I am glad to see that not all of you believe that the only way to have a successful relationship is finding another raw vegan. I have been very high raw for 2 years and we did not have any issues with it. He does not expect me to cook (he can cook), when I do make him food (not very often), he is very appreciative. He is generally very easy to get along with, he is probably the most understanding and considerate person I have ever met. He tends to be fairly concervative, does not change his opinions very easily.

I don't expect that he will be 100% raw, ever. I do want him to eat more raw foods for his own health. (he suffers from really bad headeches) I don't belive in converting anyone, just educating.

I think I have to be very careful not to turn it into an argument.
My side "raw food" His side "cooked food" I think he will resist that.
I have to make it more like "We are eating this yammy staff together"

I really have to start making more food for him. I am just so lazy, usually I don't prepare any food for myself, it is more like "wash it & eat it", and I usually have 2 ingredient meals. He is so picky. If I make him a salad it has to contain every vegetable under the sun, and the all have to be cut a certain way. He does believe that fruits & veggies are good for you and loves salads.

[VeryBerry]

Fuitlove & Free Spirit,

Thanks for the book & DVD recommendation.

[VeryBerry]

By way way I was only half serious when I said I wanted my kid to be a "a raw foodist", I was "testing the waters" to see how he will respond.

I know eating raw food only would be ideal, but I have to be realistic here, I don't pant to be a very strict parent (the more strict you are, the more they rebell), so if the kid wants to try a certain food, I would definitely allow it. (in small amounts).

The one thing that really disterbs me is seeing kids forced or ever encouraged to eat anything they don't want. I will not tolerate that for one second. May be that is because I was forced to eat huge portions of meat & cottage cheese by my wellmeaning gradma.

[Revvell]

He is really stabborn with his opinions, he does not change his mind about things very easily. Does anyone know a book or a website that could convert a non believer.


I do want him to eat more raw foods for his own health. (he suffers from really bad headeches) I don't belive in converting anyone, just educating.

All we had to go by is your first few posts which don't quite coincide with your latest posts. *shrugs and wanders out*

Revvell

[Pierre]

If you can persuade him to eat healthier, more power to ya! :)

Also if he eats enough vitamins to replenish what smoking destroys, he might quit by himself. This will take a LOT of vitamins, though. I think C and B3 are the main ones (I'm guessing B3 because niacin is nicotinic acid).

[light&happy]

I have found that providing little pieces of information here and there about the health benefits goes a long way. I had to be a little crafty with this. Myhusband is a doctor and very open-minded, but he still needed some convincing. Whenever I would find a study or testimonial of someone curing their disease (ms, lupus, diabetes) with raw food, I would tell him about it briefly, in kind of a "wow, can you believe that" kind of voice, then drop it. I wouldn't preach or go overboard. There is SO much great info out there that can be slowly incorporated in conversations over a period of time. Leave The China Study in the bathroom! I've done that too. Works like a charm. Rent Supersize Me for a movie night. Stuff like that. And then make the best of the best raw meals (test them yourself first) for him once in a while. If he is a reasonable, intelligent person he will come around.

Good Luck!

Melissa

[VeryBerry]

Thanks Melissa,

I is a pretty smart way of approaching it. I will give it a try.

[trinity082482]

well its up to you how to raise your child not your parents or his parents, but dad has a say too and that can be tough. Maybe you can meet in the middle and go half and half?

[raw-siobhan]

I agree that love, true love, is hard to come by. I would imagine that just like in relationships where each partner is of a different faith there will be compromises made along the lines. Ultimately, in my opinion, you will gain his respect and admiration by the example you set. He may never change, but that wont make him any less worthy of your love. With regards to the future kids, you may have to make a compromise or, who knows, perhaps he will go along with you eventually. I dont think it is worth parting with someone over. Time, patience, perseverance, and understanding on your part is all you can do. Find a middle ground that both you and he can be happy with. Things will work themselves out, though perhaps not exactly the way you had originally planned them to. :)

[VibinOnLife!]

I think that society makes people feel as though children just normally crave McDonald's and steaks. I think many people would be surprised to see that the average toddler, who has no experience with fast food, would run to the fresh juicy mango before the dried salty potato chip.

I think you have the right idea though. The key is not to force it. I have a friend who's son has been 100% raw since he was 2 or 3, he's 7 or 8 now. He loves being raw, he fasts...he's even done a 30 day juice fast! Anyway, he saw his dad eating fries one day and asked his mom about it (his dad's mostly raw). And she told her son that even though they are raw, sometimes a craving just comes, and it's ok to satisfy them every now and then. Her son looked at her with these big brown eyes and said, "what if I have a craving sometimes that I would like to satisfy?" She just laughed. He didn't say anything further until about a week later and he leaned over in the car and said "I have a craving for fries mom." She got him a small, he only ate part of it, and then they did a 3 day juice fast. No harm no foul.

All the best to you VeryBerry!

[rawpriestess]

Well, I'm gonna' jump in here and give my 2 cents worth.

There are billions of people on our planet, most of them want the same thing, to be loved unconditionally for who they are, not what they can buy, or what their name is, or how much money they have etc.

And I have been with several men while I have been on my raw quest, each one of them was NOT raw, except one, the ONE raw one, was a pain in the butt, in all other areas, but that had nothing to do with his rawness.

I believe that to have harmony in your home, you need several things,

Okay, for ME, to have harmony in MY home I need several things.

My man must be my friend, we need to be open and honest about everything, wihtout fear of reprocution, so your relationship doesn't exactly fit into that catagory

My man has to enjoy the things I like to do, and he has to have a life so we can do the stuff he likes to do, like prepare raw foods, organic garden, doesn't sound like your relationship fits into that catagory either,

My man and I must have passion and lust for each other, well, I don't know about your relationship!

My man and I must put the wishes of the other person first, meaning that I wish to do things for hime, and he wishes to do things for me, and it seems that doing things for you, and you doing things for him, aren't working too well.

So, what exactly IS working in your relationship, whatever that is, it will fade, trust me on this.

Relationships change, and whatever is bothering you now, will bother you alot more later, and will get stronger.

I have lived with many many many men, and most of them smoked, and drank, and ALWAYS their smoking and drinking became a problem,as they didn't want to go outside when it was cold to smoke, or they didn't want to put on slippers to go out on the deck, or they smoked in the garage, and it always stunk, or they put their cigarette butts in their pockets, and it would ruin the entire wash, etc.

I didn't care if they smoked, but there was always a reason for THEM to resent me, because I didn't smoke with them or I didn't want it in the house.

So, IF your relationship is perfect in all other ways, and he eats cooked food, but EVERYTHING else is grand, then who cares, but it isn't he is already telling you that you are insane, that you can't raise your kids a certain way, that etc.

so......... if you want to live this way, of not being truthful with him, of coming to this board, to talk out your differences, then stay with him, but IF, just IF, you want to be open and honest with your man, and you want HIM to be your best friend, well then, maybe you might wish to consider, talking to your current boyfriend, and let him know that he's first in line to be interviewed for the man of your dreams, if he is, then great, and if he isnt' then, great, and then YOU can make the choice to stay or move on.

But, IF you don't tell him the truth now, when will you? or WILL you?

do you REALLY and truly wish to live with someone that you FEEL you can't be honest with? just a thought.

[VeryBerry]

Thank you so much for all the responses,

I have already decided what to do if & when I have kids.
First I am not 100% sure I even want kids, but if I do have them I will obviously feed them what I think is good & healthy. They can also feel free to try other foods and make their own choices. Since raw food tastes soo much better then cooked I think the choice would be obvoius.