Emotional Detox - HELP!

[dreamrawalwz]

I think it's hitting. It's hitting HARD. I can hardly handle it.

I'll be honest here. I'm so far over my head right now. I'm extremely depressed, my ED is overwhelming - the anorexia is pulling me in fast and I havn't felt or done these actions in years and it scares me to death to go down that road again. I just can't get out this time. I'm also engaging in other self-destructive behaviors. I don't know what to do. I tried my best to ignore the emotional side of things, but it's so hard to do that anymore. I'm at a breaking point. I want to cry and scream, yet I can't...I'm shaking here.

I just keep a happy face on and pretend. I can't do that anymore...

Thanks for letting me vent. You don't even need to comment, I just needed to get it out there.

[berrymarymac]

*SENDING HUGS!*

I know it's hard sweetie. And I don't think my words will help you, but I know you are a very strong person. EDs are very serious, and it's hard. Try to find something to do, crafts, take a walk, anything to get your mind off of these thoughts. I wish there was more I could do to help!

[dreamrawalwz]

Thing is I HAVE to go through the emotions. That's waht kept the depression going, just not this bad. I always suppressed these feelings. I guess it gets worse before it gets better? :(

[Bingka]

You can choose to deal with the emotions this time and move past it to a clear and serene future. Try and deal with the cause not just the effect. I know it is easy for me to type this, but sometimes it helps to hear it. You can move past this.

I wish you all the best

Ken

[berrymarymac]

Thing is I HAVE to go through the emotions. That's waht kept the depression going, just not this bad. I always suppressed these feelings. I guess it gets worse before it gets better? :(

Yeah, but I don't think you should suffer through the emotions! I am in a depression right now too because of somethings that have been happening at home (I'm not even there!) and I know it's hard. I understand. If you need to cry...then do it. But don't hurt yourself.

[dreamrawalwz]

Yeah, but I don't think you should suffer through the emotions! I am in a depression right now too because of somethings that have been happening at home (I'm not even there!) and I know it's hard. I understand. If you need to cry...then do it. But don't hurt yourself.

I shouldn't go through them, you're right, but I must. It's been over seven long years of holding it all in. Not a tear shed. 7 years of stuff needs to come out...I just didn't want it to come out all at once. I don't cry and I don't remember the last time I have. I can feel that I need to just open the flood gates, but I can't.

[DavidZaneMason]

-I hear you. Stay strong.

My thoughts / opinions:

-Avoiding bad things.....is not the same thing as pursuing (what you think) are good things. You can't back your way into heaven. In order to fully let go of bad habits....you have to find better ones to replace them with.

-I try to avoid 'all or nothing' thinking. Somewhere between eating all crap......eating all good.....or eating nothing at all.....is a level of healthy eating that is right for you.

-If the level you are at is distressing you....then choose a lower level. Be honest about how you feel.

-Remember that there is feeling bad (which you can't always change) and then there is feeling bad ABOUT feeling bad! :) You can always make a decision to do something else besides that.

-You'll succeed...if you pursue your joy...and never stop.

-David Mason

[dreamrawalwz]

-I hear you. Stay strong.

My thoughts / opinions:

-Avoiding bad things.....is not the same thing as pursuing (what you think) are good things. You can't back your way into heaven. In order to fully let go of bad habits....you have to find better ones to replace them with.

-I try to avoid 'all or nothing' thinking. Somewhere between eating all crap......eating all good.....or eating nothing at all.....is a level of healthy eating that is right for you.

-If the level you are at is distressing you....then choose a lower level. Be honest about how you feel.

-Remember that there is feeling bad (which you can't always change) and then there is feeling bad ABOUT feeling bad! :) You can always make a decision to do something else besides that.

-You'll succeed...if you pursue your joy...and never stop.

-David Mason

What do you mean by choose a lower level? i don't understand. Are you talking about standards or emotions or what? I'm not choosing to feel like this. I'd do anything to make it go away. I'm not feeling bad about feeling bad or going "poor me." I've been raw 6 months and I know it had to come up one time or another...just wasn't expecting it right away and all at once.

Maybe I'm trying to make connections, but the really intense feelings came up THE DAY I removed salt from my diet completely, hmm...

[lissomllama]

*hugs*, ok. Deep breaths, try to calm down and focus. Gather up all of the pent up negative vibrations that you can muster and imagine them being wrapped tightly into a ball. Now grab that ball firmly with two hands and drop it to the ground near your feet but away from your body. Now see the ball melting into a heavy black liquid and slowly seeping down into the Earth. See it traveling down the layers of the Earth and when it reaches the core, it is cleansed and pure. Pull this neutralized energy back up through the Earth and see it form a bright, white ball. Now pick up the ball of neutral energy and toss it far away from yourself and watch it fly or roll away and burst apart to its smallest atoms till you can't see it any more. That energy is free to be whatever it may be. Take a deep breath and welcome only positive, loving and healing energy into yourself. Do this a few times a day.

I know you'll feel better soon. Hang in there and stay raw. This too shall pass.

Don't even allow your ED behavior to take over. Just choose not to. If you need to scream and yell, then do it. Grab a big pillow and let it all out. Meditate and get some rest. :)

[Naiad]

Keep strong!!!! I know exactly how you feel!!! The emotional detox hit SO hard and suddenly last week, I felt like my knees would buckle from it.

It was detox and PMS at once and I cried for a solid three days and this is coming from someone who's NEVER contemplated suicide... but, I actual did. I felt worthless and like a failure.

I just sucked it up and called everyone I could. My parents are both away in different places and I must have called them at least five times those days.

It will pass.

I feel almost back to normal today. Just be strong and remember that raw is the way to go. All those ways you feel better and all those ways you know you will continue to feel better... focus on them.

[livingatthetop]

please donot panic. I know how you feel and it doesn't make sence to fear your feelings.

Just be in the feelings but don't fear them

getout of the house trun of the computer and clear your head then regroup and focus on your dreams

sincerely Shernell

[Lay-Lay]

Many, many ***HUGS***, I am sending positive thoughts, happiness, and light your way.

[misslinda]

* grasps you hand * Dream ~~~~~~~~

First of all, I hope you are not out driving etc. Are you in a safe place?

#@&^&$W(P#(@#@^ Yeah that emotional DETOX feels like there is no opening but the most important is to not disturb it..........try not to figure it out..........simply, ALLOW it and observe it. You will begin to feel those "flood gates" you mentioned opening up. I'd imagine you'll even reach various levels.

It's been 4 hours since your post and how are you? :confused:

[DavidZaneMason]

Yes - a lower level of raw eating. If you think cutting out salt....or any other dietary change has thrown you out of whack......then re-incorporating that thing in conscious amounts might help.

-Treat any depression / pain like a hurt little child. Do not send it away...or wish it away.....but sit with it....and extend it love. Try it for 10 minutes.

-Just my opinions - which I hope are helpful.

-David Mason

[misslinda]

Dream~

?

:confused:

[madmel]

Dream,

after doing pretty okay with raw in June, I sort of fell off the waggon and, before I realised it, my ed (bulimia) and depression came back. With a force I hadn't experienced for a long time. July and part of August were terrible months, I was a mess and was caught in the vicious circle of binging w/purging and binging w/o purging. I looked terrible, I felt terrible. I gained weight - felt even worse.

I was like a junkie, didn't enjoy any of the foods I was stuffing my face with but I just couldn't stop.

Then I found myself again and am now fighting against the ed myself. I am on medication for the depression, I know from experience that I "need" medication at the moment. Otherwise everything would be too much for me.

It has now been almost two weeks without b/p and I don't even the urge to binge, neither on SAD nor on raw food. As a matter of fact, I don't have a lot of appetite at the moment.

This time I am determined to go all the way to 100% raw, my problem was probably that I was too hard on myself, tried to be too perfect and went cold turkey. I guess for me transition is the better way.

And you know what: Now that I could eat SAD because I am not beating myself up about it, I don't want it. In this "phase" I couldn't even pack dh's lunchbox without taking a couple of bites here and there. It works better than before.

Don't give in, stay strong - these 5 or 6 weeks of ed/depression were the worst in my life and I have never ever felt so desperate, so alone. Thoughts of hurting myself, getting drunk, everything.

I let everything out finally, I cried and I screamed (at no one in particular) and then I was calm, quiet and sort of prepared.

Sorry, if this is a weird post, but it's very difficult to put all these emotions into words.

You are such a strong young woman, dreamrawalwz, and your posts are always thoughtful and honest.

Live through your emotion. I suppressed things for too long and I had to hit rock bottom before I could really open up to raw. You have been raw for quite a while now, I so admire that esp. with the background of an ed.

best wishes,
mel

[dreamrawalwz]

Dream~

?

:confused:

I'm here. I had to go distract myself or I would continue to do something destructive. Then I just went to bed.

David - I don't think I can go a lower level. I'm doing better now. I think I know what part of the trigger was, but I'm not comfortable mentioning it here online. I don't think it makes sense for me to go to a lower level or I'll just be back where I was (constnatly depressed). I'm hoping that after the detox is over the constant depression will begin to dissipate. To me removing the salt is the last thing I need on my journey so far. I know my rawness will continue to change, but this is enough for now.

Of course I'll stay raw, there is NO intention of me falling off that wagon. In fact I have to make another post about that.

Ok, I may sounds like a freak, but this was my experience last night:
I had SO many intense emotions about proably everything, especially things I've only kept to myself. Anyway, it got so bad that I wanted to die (not to sound melodramatic), I seriously did. Wnen I got to the climax (i guess you could say "rock bottom"?) I suddenly got a hot flash. I got extremely hot, but almost instantly I felt this tension that I didn't know was there, fade away inside of me. I have NO idea what happened. Maybe that was part of a real detox, I don't know. It was just weird and I feel that I sound crazy saying it, but I know only rawbies would understand it.

This morning I have really strong ED thoughts, but I'm doing my best to be healthy.

[AliCat]

I have an ED too so I truly understand. Once thing I can say honestly is that those feeling are there. If you dont deal with them today they will still be there tomorrow. You will not be able to move fwd until you do. They are just feelings and although they are strong they cannot hurt you.

I wish you the best. Its a rough road but you will be ok! from all the posts Ive read I can tell you are a very strong person :)

[luckitri]

Oh yeah! I know my day will come so I read your experience with interest and send you best wishes, hang in there, arm around shoulder.....just keep posting......eventually I will see the diagram of emotional detox and know when I am going through it that I am not crazy cause I read it here! Going through the emotion so you can get past it is difficult for me because I do alot of shaming self-talk and fear of being on the pity-pot or just getting stuck with all the old baggage and never getting past it. So I really fight myself. I never heard of the hot flash part before - that is new. When I was younger I never cried - I had a chip on my shoulder and was somehow numb but then the floodgates opened and I can cry too easily when I wish not to embarrass myself and want more self-control. Becoming able to cry was a real breakthrough for me and I was thrilled about it. I had been envious of people who were able to cry - get over it and move on.

[dreamrawalwz]

Oh yeah! I know my day will come so I read your experience with interest and send you best wishes, hang in there, arm around shoulder.....just keep posting......eventually I will see the diagram of emotional detox and know when I am going through it that I am not crazy cause I read it here! Going through the emotion so you can get past it is difficult for me because I do alot of shaming self-talk and fear of being on the pity-pot or just getting stuck with all the old baggage and never getting past it. So I really fight myself. I never heard of the hot flash part before - that is new. When I was younger I never cried - I had a chip on my shoulder and was somehow numb but then the floodgates opened and I can cry too easily when I wish not to embarrass myself and want more self-control. Becoming able to cry was a real breakthrough for me and I was thrilled about it. I had been envious of people who were able to cry - get over it and move on.

I'm envious of those that can cry as well. I hope I find that breakthrough one day. What clicked with you? If it's too personal I understand and you don't have to share.

[luckitri]

My cat of 16 years died. Then I decided to stop spending my life with animals and children and to enter the world of adults. I was much older than you are now when this happened. You are doing well.

[dreamrawalwz]

My cat of 16 years died. Then I decided to stop spending my life with animals and children and to enter the world of adults. I was much older than you are now when this happened. You are doing well.

I can kind of relate. My cat of 18 years old died on my half birthday (who's counting right? ha). I was 16, so...my whole life. Let's just say things didn't go over well. I'm over it now though.

[Lay-Lay]

I had an emotional detox when I first went raw over 3 years ago. If you can't let it out by crying try finding a private area, if you still can't cry, try screaming or whatever helps. This really helped me. After about an hour by myself going through this...I felt soooo good. I just let it all out.

[romanticsnet]

Hope you are feeling better. *hugs* Have you tried some sunshine?
I know that always helps me... Something about Vitamin D, and lifting depression.

[dreamrawalwz]

Hope you are feeling better. *hugs* Have you tried some sunshine?
I know that always helps me... Something about Vitamin D, and lifting depression.

Funny you say that because I didn't make the connection this past weekend. On my blood test it shows my vitamin D levels are lower than they should be (out of range). I know in the winter (october to march) I get seasonal affective disorder most likely because of the lack of sun. Problem for this weekend is that it was at night that I was feeling wrose so it's nto exactly sunny then!

[greenfeline]

There is a mindfulness practice from meditation that might help you. do not suppress the thoughts. Let them be, recognize them, then let them pass. Let them happen like a wave happens in the ocean then dissipates. It takes hard work to keep our mind positive and with right thoughts. It is okay have rough patches but they all pass.

[romanticsnet]

I read somewhere, that vegans only get Vitamin D from the sun, unless you are a cooked vegan, and can get it from fortified foods.
I know that when I spend time in it, I get happy, and my mood is lifted. I am trying to make it a point to get some after lunch every day.
They say to aim for at least 10-15 minutes daily

[dreamrawalwz]

I read somewhere, that vegans only get Vitamin D from the sun, unless you are a cooked vegan, and can get it from fortified foods.
I know that when I spend time in it, I get happy, and my mood is lifted. I am trying to make it a point to get some after lunch every day.
They say to aim for at least 10-15 minutes daily

Yea, I should try that more often shouldn't I? This is kind of off topic, but I've heard that "fortified" vitamins added back into the foods isn't assimilated by the body anyway so it's kind of like "what's the point in paying more for 'special' food items?" Hmm, we're raw and don't have to wrry about that anyway haha. Sun is good enough for me!

[misslinda]

:) Speaking of sunshine, my doctor wanted me to stand by a window everday for 20 minutes (if I didn't go out). I'm dreading the winter months Dream~ !!!!

Greenfeline, I love mindfulness meditation. :)