View Full Version : don't know what to title-please just read!
08-19-2006, 03:44 PM
Dear all my wonderful raw food supporters,
first and foremost I want to let you know how much I truly care and love all of you. Reading your posts everyday makes me feel as if I know you personally. the miles between us just vanish and you are just here- connected to me. For that, thank you.
Now, this is not the most encouraging and postiive post. I love how everyone on here is so positive and it makes my sould sing to be "with" you guys. You are all so uplifting.
But, here on rawfoodtalk we also advocate honestly and HONESTLY where I am at right now is very sad, melancholy, emotional, discouraged. I can't even tell you how many times the tears have flowed today.
What brought it on-- well let me tell you. I feel so alone right now. Besides this forum, I just feel completely alone with my RAWNESS and now my emotions feel so raw and exposed. I feel like a desert traveler.
Everything is in turmoil and changing. My friends do not feed my soul, instead they are sucking my life energy out of me. Lately, do to many discouraging comments from "my friends" and family re. my raw food lifestyle, I have seriously begun to question my place at this time.
Last night, my husband and I had two other couples over. He REALLY enjoys hanging with these people, by the way. The deal is get together, drink alcohol, talk, get buzzed, talk trash, etc. Well, besides a VERY occasional glass of wine, I don't drink. I don' have any desire whatsoever to sit around drinking and saying anything at all negative about anyone. When I mentioned my son's assistant coach and his wife (who by the way is a fantastic and kind soul), one of my friends says, "I don't like him, he is just weird and gives me the creeps and his wife is very odd and eccentric too." Mind you, she has met this woman ONCE.
I feel so judged by her and the others as well but not to the same degree. She said, "I don't mean to hurt you, Kirsten, but you are WAAAAYYYY too skinny-- you look like a waif and you look unhealthy." They laugh and tease me about what is in our cabinets, and refridgerator. My husband is buzzed too and he just laughs. He doesn't see the pain these interactions are causing me. He thinks raw foodists invent the persecution in their own heads. and, if we are going to choose to eat this way, DEAL WITH IT. It is true, we do have to deal with it. but, I don't have to continue being around discouraging and negative people. I feel bad because they will call and invite us over and I won't want to go, he will want to go, and then there is friction.
I know I am skinny. Before raw, I was naturally thin at 118 lbs. Plus, I live a very active lifestyle. Now, being 100% raw, I am down to 110. I kind of feel Nicole Ritchie-ish but with muscle definition. I don't like being this skinny. I eat and eat and eat-- tons of fruit, green smoothies, nuts out the ying-yang, avocados, everything. My body actually WANTS DESPERATELY to eat much more simply but because of losing weight I try to eat more dense foods. I am really not even enjoying the heavier, nut-based dehydrated stuff. My body says- "Simpler please, less please" but all I get is crap from my family and "friends" (sorry for the quotes I am feeling very sad and cynical right now).
Then. my mom calls me and says how worried she is about me. She saw some show putting raw food down, saying how bad it is (not sure what show it was). She told me my brother-in-law said I was far too thin. My sister stuck up for me a little bit, saying I was thin but had lots of muscle tone.
I look in the mirror and I don't feel I look my best, weightwise. My face is already thin, now it is gaunt. I am turning 40 next week and I want to look younger, but with the weight coming off, my laugh lines, are deeper. I would love more padding. There HAVE been many great changes such as glowing, clear complexion, and much brighter eyes- In fact, they look so much more blue lately. I also feel greater mental clarity. The fog is lifting and I am so happy. but it scares me with everything up in the air. It reminds me of RP and what she has gone through. RAW truly does bring everything (even very emotional and difficult things) to light!
In my body, I feel LOTS of joint pain and burning lately which has not been alleviating for over a week. and with all the nuts trying to keep weight on, my digestion is not as good. I am not sleeping well cuz my body hurts. I wonder- what is going on? What am i doing wrong? Is this detox? Is my body just going to be a mess forever? What is up? I start to wonder if I should be eating cooked food. Will my body continue to hurt from cooked?
And all these emotions. My husband and I are in therapy. Things have been very difficult. We have been married 12 years, 3 wonderful and amazing children and both of us want so much for us to work out. We are just so different in every way imaginable- and hate to say it, but raw illuminates fundamental differences even more. We do share many of the same values as it relates to childrearing though. I am discovering things about myself (some good, some not so good) and learning so much- I am in emotional overload. I am very grateful for this time, and I KNOW deep in my heart that only good things will evolve.
I must go through this. I welcome detox. I want to face it head-on. But, is all this joint pain detox or does the raw diet not agree with me? Am I a freakish exception? Yesterday, I had cooked quinoa cuz my body was just craving it- the grain, the protein, the heat, I don't know. I really wanted quinoa and I hate sprouted quinoa. Yuck.
Oh, raw friends, what to do? Thanks for letting me vent. I am not stopping. I will not give up. I celebrate my health and want to help others to celebrate theirs. I choose to be raw. I want to be raw.
But, I want to feel good- inside and out.
Anything you have to share, i am grateful for. Ah, the perplexity yet simplicity of life. It is raw and it is wonderful.
All my love,
08-19-2006, 03:45 PM
Sorry for all the glaring typos- I wasn't being concerned about that, considering.
08-19-2006, 04:00 PM
I am sorry this is happening to you! And I think that if your body is craving it or needs it...eat it. I think some cooked foods are good, like spinach or what not. I'm not going to die from something cooked! But it's hard when people are not supportive. I am happier and friendly because I feel good while being high raw and am loving life now! I don't think about eating around people...I just eat and no one asks questions! But also, I am not trying to gain weight nor have I ever been skinny and am trying to lose weight!
08-19-2006, 04:04 PM
I am so sorry that you are feeling bad but I think that it is a phase that we all go through and it will pass.
I understand your problem about feeling that you are too thin and your family being concerned as I am in the same position but I think that I now look heavier even though I have not put any weight on. Your body gets accostomised to it and finds its natural place.
I think that you should eat what you want and not force yourself because this will not make you feel better. You will not get too thin by listening to your body. Your body knows what is best.
Your friends and family care about you and that is why they are concerned.
My best friend has told me that she was so concerned about me a few months ago and the fact that I was loosing too much weight that she was going to call my husband to have a chat about it but that now I look healthier.
Things can and will get better.
08-19-2006, 04:08 PM
Wow...so sorry you're going through a rough time, but it seems you have a good outlook on things for the most part.
I don't have much "advice" but just wanted to share a few thoughts with you:
1. I made a decision to eliminate negativity from my life as much as possible and this meant things and people as well. Because your husband likes hanging with these people doesn't mean YOU have to! My husband's friends are not always MY friends and my friends aren't always HIS friends. If you know ahead that they're coming over, make plans to "be somewhere else" or be "doing something else". But most of all, I'd hope that you could express your feelings and the angst this is causing you with your husband and that he'd be sensitive and understanding of your feelings. But if not, then that is probably something to be worked out in the therapy you both are going to (?)
2. People judge weight and what looks healthy based on a very overweight, SAD eating society. Our standards are different than what they would probably be if the majority ate healthy. So, when folks say you look "too skinny" they are looking at you through eyes that see excessive fat on the body as being "normal" and "healthy".
3. I don't know how long you've been raw, but I've seen many instances and even experienced myself that (what seems to be) "extreme" weight loss can occur BUT, the body is shedding old stored toxins and fat and will rebuild a more healthy body and you may gain more weight and get to your BODY'S ideal weight (which isn't always what WE think it should be or desire it to be).
I had gotten down to like 120 at 5'4" and that was pretty small from what I was accustomed to weighing at first. I didn't like the way I looked either...my face was kinda sunken too. But alas, I stuck with it and my body began putting on weight after a while until I reached MY BODY'S ideal weight RANGE of 124-128 lbs.
So, those are just a few things to ponder as you make the right decisions for you and your own life.
Best to you!
08-19-2006, 04:09 PM
Oh DANG! I haven't gotten this far in my raw journey yet but from reading on here I know that others have gotten to this place that you are. I hope that some of those people give you some of their insights soon. Meanwhile I can offer you my prayers for you. And regarding the judgemental woman I am wondering if there is some way to let her know that she appears to be judging negatively without enough information...... Years ago there was a secretary that kept following my husband around from job to job. She talked him into taking us to her church. I hated the church but went anyway hoping for overall good affect on my family. Well I joined a prayer team to pray for people's intimate problems that they share with elders at the church. She was on a prayer team also and she turned all these peoples intimate heartaches into gossipy entertainment to make my husband laugh. I warned him that what she was doing showed who she truly was and that he needed to get disentangled from her. He had found a niche market and some former co-workers invested in his start-up. Well he didn't listen to me and get away from her. That bi---- put us into bankruptcy! She effectively badmouthed him with the investors and stole everything down to all the computers and our personal office furniture that we put into it! I share this with you to confirm to you that your perceptions are most likely correct and how to deal with the unacceptable behaviors from other "adults" is the problem. So far being raw has kind of sheltered my emotions and kept me in a pretty good place and my home is mostly peaceful and the only company we keep are animals and children so I haven't had to cope with what you are dealing with. Sorry for the book - I need to get more concise - just wanted to lend you support.
08-19-2006, 04:11 PM
I'm not sure what else to say beyond that. I too have had to re-evaluate a lot of relationships and friendships lately due to raw. I have a very close, almost best friend, whose answer to everything is "eat steak!" He says it jokingly, but, I can hear the not so nice nor joking tone in the background. It reached a nasty head when he started talking about a rib fest he'd gone to and wouldn't stop mentioning it for over a day.
I took a week off from talking to him and decided I still care dearly for him. We talked things over and we're both going to avoid the hot zones that set eachother off. I won't say "raw food!" and he won't suggest a hamburger as a cure for a headache ;)
Hopefully you can reach some type of understanding with the friends and family who are close to you. I wish you luck and lots of hugs!!!
08-19-2006, 04:12 PM
When I first started going raw, a couple years ago, all the people closest to me attacked me about it. But I stuck it out (without attacking them back or defending myself). Now, those that fought against my lifestyle change the hardest, are the ones that support and respect me the most. Stay with it. Keep going. And right now, find the the thing you love about each of these people (even if you don't like them at all...they have love in them...find it), and focus on that. Dwelling on their differences will not bring them closer to you. It will only alienate them (and you) more.
08-19-2006, 04:24 PM
Others have already given you some very good advice...I just wanted to add that I went to your homepage after reading your post, and I think you're beautiful! Such a loving and caring soul you are with that project!
I believe your weight will even out as you continue on raw. I hope things get better for you soon. :)
Sharon in Colorado
08-19-2006, 04:47 PM
You are always going to have girlfriends who have husbands your hubby won't get along with and vice versa. So please take that into consideration when being 'invited' over. Talk to your husband about it. If you are not interested in them, then let him hang out with the husband. If you don't want to go over there, you really don't have to. Nobody should be forced into doing that.
I wouldn't like getting together, drinking and dishing other people. It sounds like your still in the college years there. We had a couple of acquaintances who drank hard alcohol, and neither me nor my DH were into that. We just don't like getting together with people and drinking, it's not our bag.
I don't even like wine now. I used to have a glass every so often but I can't stand the way it makes me feel now. I'd just rather not drink it.
I think it is time to find new friends now. That both you and your husband click with.
The family part is always going to be there - my mother still nags me about my cholesterol and afraid I'm going to get too skinny because of my diet (I grew up a twig, I don't know why she would even worry).
Also you might want to try weight bearing exercises to build back up. A lot of folks go throgh a really skinny phase because their bodies are getitng rid of toxins in fat. So eating a lot of fatty food will only make it worse. Just eat plenty of good fresh food, get in more calories than fat and make sure you are getting plenty of sleep.
08-19-2006, 05:02 PM
I don't know the answers, as I am struggling with a similar situation with my husband. I hate the fact that he drinks still and I don't. It is a major strain on our relationship and I am sick of it. Just because you are "misunderstood" by people, "who cares" is my motto.
08-19-2006, 05:41 PM
Dear Rawnpawgirl, I am so sorry you are haing a hard time. There is a good websight called "beyondveg.com" that looks at raw from some interesting perspectives from people who have been at it a long time and the same conclusion is said, "listen to your own body and try to be relaxed about your diet as well as life". There are tons of opinions out there and only one you need to head, YOUR OWN!!! MAybe telling friend and family about the benefits you are having and letting them know that you aren't trying to get skinnier and that you are paying close attention to yourself so you do not become unwell. As far as trashing others, you could always ask if this is really fun for them and offer some other things to talk about, or heck, trash any government officials that you don't agree with!! Somewhere, a long time ago, I heard someone say that when the encountered someone who was particularly negative, they would just smile and think to themselves, "wow, it must be really hard for this person to be living with such a terrible brain tumor". (I hope I am not offending anyone here!) But that has really helped me separate myself from their negativity and not let it stick to me at all. Heck, it makes me laugh and that is the best medicine in defeating these cruel beasties. I have also gone through a few emotional detoxes and though they are tough, the after effects, getting clear and real with myself, is well worth it. Hang in there, or let yourself fall apart, you will be able to pick up the pieces and put your self back together een better then before. Rawk on, baby!
08-19-2006, 06:11 PM
**Sits down next to you and puts my arm over your shoulder**
Wow Where to begin. My heart totally goes out to you and I wish I could sweep it all away for you but, you are totally correct, that going through these times in your life make you who you are and will strengthen or weaken your resolve. You already sound commited to eating Raw and see the benefits it affords you. Keep it up!! You are doing awesome :)
People HATE change. It is strange that the one's that love you the most can understand you the least (Parents, spouses, children, and friends). This forum is living proof that if you share a common ideal, that even perfect strangers will help and support you in a profound way. Isn't it Odd that the people we want and need the most are our biggest hurdles?
It is natural to desire your husband to be understanding and supportive of your choices and to stand up for you when in the situation that you explained. Alas, that is not typically the case and for those who can claim that kind of support, they are lucky people lemme tell you. You need to stand up for yourself :) I like to do this, when someone tells me that I am wrong for eating 100% Raw, I look at them and I instantly feel pitty and sorrow for them. They choose NOT to see what Raw can do for them and THAT is sooo very sad. Just think of the legacy they are living and leaving? So Sad :(
You can't change them Kirsten, you can only change yourself.
There are pleanty of people here whose spouses are not raw and some that are totally SAD consuming yet, they have struck a balance and are commited to their love, and committed to their marriage. So, It can be done.
As far as finding that you are not sharing a lot of the same things as your dh? you can still have a successful marriage even with that. I would hope that your counciller will help you with this part.
After 45 years on this planet and 65 Days 100% Raw, I have totally come to the conclusion that I walk this path for myself and no one else. PERIOD. If there are others in my family that choose this journey, I will gladly support them and walk it with them, but I am not focusing on anything else but myself. Sounds selfish but it is NOT. It is totally being honest and true to yourself.
As far as your weight, aches, pains, etc..... I would atribute it partly to detox but I would NOT discount stress as a huge factor.
At best, life is a full time deal to be a wife and mother let along anything else so you MUST make and take the time to be good to yourself.
You need to take time to heal your inner spirit. It sounds like you have been vacuumed clean.
I love what Rawinlocs said about ridding yourself of toxic situations and people. Change is scary, but staying and hangin with "friends" that do this and make you feel this way? Umm no.. Time to move on.
Next time your Mom calls you and tells you how worried she is about you? Tell her, "Thanks Mom! Wow, it is so wonderful that you care about me and I feel soo good, I'm gonna have a green smoothie and focus on how great it is to have a loving Mom". You need to NOT let people get to you.
Stop trying to please them all it can't be done, so please yourself!
If you have a DEEP Motivation for eating the way you do than you need to focus on that and what other's say? shouldn't matter.
You know dang well that Raw people are VERY special :) Be proud to be one of the smart one's that aren't poisoned by a SAD diet. YAY!!!
I am sure others will have more stuff to say I just wanted to pass on to you my 2 cents worth :)
Wishing and hoping that you find peace and contentment in your life with who you are and what is important to you.
08-19-2006, 06:24 PM
Everyone has said things so beautifully...
Follow your heart and your body, things will even out physically. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.
08-20-2006, 06:50 AM
Thank you so much for all your kind responses. I knew I would get thoughtful and sensitive support from this site.
Hugs to you
08-20-2006, 10:45 AM
I'm sorry I don't have time now to go as in depth as your post merits. I'm going to briefly throw some things out there that might help you.
1) Raw does seem to make people less tolerant of and more sensitive to less than ideal people/places/environments/situations. This is very common and is a good thing. We are getting more in touch with what serves our higher purpose the best. Please do not be afraid to let go of (or severely limit your exposure to) friends or situations that are not positive or helpful for you.
2) Don't worry about how you look, go by how you feel. Since you are not feeling well, I think you should consider making some adjustments to your current diet. You say that your body is screaming at you to eat more simply. TRUST IT!!! :-) I have transitioned to a simple fruit based diet and feel better than I ever have. I have a feeling that your symptoms may be related to your consumption of nuts and complicated recipes. Before you give up on raw try simplifying things for awhile and see how you feel. Alot of people end up gaining some weight back. Trust that your body will guide you and will end up where it needs to be.
I wish you the best!
08-20-2006, 11:00 AM
Believe me, they all will get over it and some will even become interested in what you eat. My family wasn't sure what to think so...I showed them the book, "Raw," by Juliano. The pictures are great and it makes the food look appetizing. It changed their view on what raw food actually is. I also took my mom and Aunt to Cilantro Live and they loved the food. Since a lot of people eat meat, and dairy products it is unusual to meet someone who eats fresh raw food. I've heard comments like, "oh I could never go without a steak, or a cheese pizza." I understand though because I felt that way.
I ordered a pizza and asked for it without cheese, just vegetables. It was really good. I know the dough isn't the best for you, but I was proud of myself for not eating cheese.
The best we can do when others express concern for our lifestyle is to educate them.
Also if you feel you look too thin, eat more. I weigh 108 and normally weighed 118. I am trying to gain the weight back because I like a little meat on my bones. I think that is the challenge of this way of eating is eating enough.
08-20-2006, 06:07 PM
Don't know what to say except that I hope things are going better for you!
08-20-2006, 08:51 PM
Well, I could write a "book" in reply, but I won't. Likely most of us on this list could. You have received some really good advice from the other replies.
One thing that I would like to emphasize is that whatever your reason for eating raw, don't let it take over your life to the detriment of your family relationships. It is not a religion, nor, "God forbid" a cult (unless we let it be). Just do what you do in a sensible, well-thought-out manner, and live your life. Force yourself to be gracious and accepting of others who are not doing the same thing, esp. husband and children. NO good comes of trying to force or "guilt" someone into this.
It sounds to me that your issues with these friends are there whether you are raw or not, so try not to get it mixed up into the one big bag. If you don't care to have a close relationship with these people, it doesn't have a lot to do with raw. It sounds like they just like to talk. About whatever and whoever. So take it as it is-you just don't appreciate these people. Maybe you have matured beyond this friendship. If you get all stressed out and go after your husband over it, you are going to damage your relationship with him, which is the last thing you need. He will interpret it as all being the fault of this "craze" that you are involved in and it will be that much harder on you and your marriage. Keep the issues separate, even though they seem to overlap.
If you really value and desire to preserve your marriage and family, tread carefully. A person can really drive their spouse mad over things like this. Spouses are fragile. Don't take it for granted that you have "got" someone. So you decide if you wish to preserve the relationship. You might not want to. But I SURE hope it wouldn't be over something like the raw diet!
Let him know that you don't really want to be so close to this couple. Maybe he will be willing to see them less and less frequently. He might not be willing to cut them off suddenly if they are long time friends and he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. If he realizes that it is your feelings that he risks hurting, he might be willing to meet half way. Just remember that you will then give him the same rights to ask you to cut down or give up an activity or friendship. If you can stick it out and let him distance himself a little more slowly, it might work.
Meanwhile, you will need to come up with a few things to do, places to go, people to see, that HE will feel happy with too. Don't just expect him to fill the gap for you. You should be the upbeat, positive and resourceful one here, since you are the one requesting the change.
We all have parents or spouses or even kids who have friends we don't like (can't stand). We have to tough it out sometimes in order to avoid destroying the closesness with our loved ones.
Okay, so I might be repeating myself here, so I will stop.
Take care, calm down, and bask in the caring that everyone on this list gives in abundance. And LOVE that man of yours. Don't be this woman who has suddenly changed and is sweeping everything familiar away from him. You end up being the one who becomes the stranger.
Sorry, it was a book after all. I just can't seem to help myself.
08-21-2006, 12:04 AM
Oh I have been there,
when you start to eat raw, many things happen to your body and your emotions, your body starts to heal, and your emotions come up so you can finally deal with them.
this happened to me, and at 5 months raw, my life changed in an instant.
one minute I thought-- I was in a loving relationship, and the next minute, my darling had left my life. it was that fast, no warning, and it was over.
That was less than one month ago, and all I can say, is that life is a journey, and each person MUST do what works for them.
I am eating raw because it is what I MUST do for me, and NO ONE will ever be able to stop me, on the other hand, everyone MUST make their own choices, including your hubby and his friends, and if drinking and being cruel to others is their idea of fun, then you may choose to re-think your relationships.
I'v had many friends and lovers, and I don't need to be friends with their friends, it's okay that you have different friends than your spouse.
What I do in a situation like that is to tell the person, that I simply will not see anything bad in anyone, and that usually stops that kind of talk, if it doesn't I excuse myself and go home, then I don't come back.
it is up to you if you wish to associate with people who want to do this, and that includes your husband.
it is all up to you what you are willing to be around, and to listen to, and to be a part of.
08-21-2006, 01:20 AM
Hope things are going better for you.......Your body could also be detoxing.....
08-21-2006, 06:27 AM
Everyone has said wise things. . .I just wanted to chime in that I went through a skinny phase too, as have many others. Then I gained about ten pounds again and I am now at a very good weight, slender but not scrawny. Even the former naysayers are telling me I look good.
Stick with it.
I hope you're feeling better soon.
08-21-2006, 09:35 AM
1>I was listening to a David Wolfe DVD this week and he said that when he started raw that he lost down to like 155 he is in the 170's now where he's always been until like he said lost down to 155 in the beginning. So hang in there mother nature is just caving you out to "her" perfection.
2>Your pains in you joints could be detox from what I understand They always tell me to drink more water to cleanse out the detox. After a few days or weeks the pain leaves so I don't know if the water helped or just time passed????
3>That no good woman.... She is no friend to you or your husband. She probably doesn't want to be in the group but to be with her husband she is just one of those ugly soles. She is miserbal and unhappy. she is probably jealous of you. You know people like us intiminate "ordinary" people. They don't know where to put us.....When all we want is friends and companions. We really are "ordinary" but we just don't fit into their mold. You might take the view point with her that she just doesn't know where to place you since you are not normal to her, so try talking to her and tell her you just want to be friends. You are not trying to put on airs, or be snooty to her that she makes you uncomfortable and that maybe your life style makes her uncomfortable and see if ya'll can meet in the middle since it seems you and your families will be getting together every week so you can all be comfortable together. Maybe try to have lunch with her and see if you have anything in common like reading, exercising, sewing, whatever, try to reach her on another common ground.
4>My husband and I went to counseling after thirteen years of marriage and two sons. We had an excellant counseler so first make sure of that. Then like you two we wanted our marriage to work. We really are soul mates. But when we went on Tuesday AM we never mentioned what we spoke of until the next section where we had the mediator in case the conversation got to heated between us. We went off and on for three years. This man would give us so much information that sometimes we would take a couple of months off to digestion all he said. Then we'd go back and continue. I'll stop talking about that I could write a book. I guess it was okay because we have our 40th coming up. So hang in there remember you are both idividuals and if you let him go spend time with "his" friends you can't become jealous or resentful. Its not always easy. Thats why they say life is a roller coaster rides. Ups and Downs of course we all like the ups better. Good Luck
08-21-2006, 11:30 AM
*HUGS* Im so sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate to a lot of it. Im new literally just finished my first week raw so I have nothing to base any advice on but I agree as your diet changes and you feel better maybe you will feel more positive. Explain to the people in your life that you are doing this and a little support would be great. I had to use illness as an excuse to avoid the questions about why I chose to switch my eating habits. I just didnt want to deal with the negativity. hubby doesnt agree but supports me and thats all that matters. i hope the stresses in your life go away.
btw - I also have joint issues and chronic awful back pain. its gotten worse since i went raw which was curious to me but i agree maybe its the body looking for balance while shedding toxins?
good luck to you *hug* :)
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