i can't believe this is happening to me

[twinyoga]

Ok, I'm just going to let it out. You are all so supportive.

I'm getting really depressed. Really. I've never been like this. Even my husband is noticing. I'm crying all the time. I've lost color in my face. I look like dracula has attacked me! My skin is breaking out. I just look lost. My self esteem is zero. This is really, really odd for me.

Now, here's the thing. I support eating a raw lifestyle. And exactly one month ago (well, july 16), I was at a party where each person had a plate of food (it was a high tea), being with such close friends and knowing the money they spent on me, I had some of the cookies. And then I went back to raw (by the way, I was doing challenges and eating 8/1/1 at that time...and raw for a year) the next day. Then the following day I wanted some rice. So, I had brown rice. Then the next day I just said to enjoy and forget about raw. Try your yoga lifestyle with Ayurveda, try macrobiotic, try a wholesome SAD diet. And here I am, one month later.

Now, I could easily just saying I'm going back to raw, I know I have the discipline and I know I love raw and how it makes me feel. But I can't do it for some reason. I decide that some whole grain sprouted bread is good for me, than maybe some steamed vegetables and yogurt will satisfy me, or this next time eating with family/friends I won't look like the outcast. Do you know what I mean? I'm just very indecisive and feel so off balanced. And even hanging out on this website is taking too much time!

Ok, so I let it all out. Thanks.

[DavidZaneMason]

-I feel you / hear you! :)

Opinion:

-All you can do is what any of us do: identify the things that YOU have researched are the best.....and shoot for them (while also cutting down and eliminating what YOU have determined are your worst habits). This will make you self-actualized!

-When YOU determine what you want - I will be there 100% to support you (as will the other great folks on this board).

-Eating is very symbolic of what is going on in our lives - but certainly not the ONLY thing! Of great importance is that YOU identify your needs.....and what can be done for you....and tell others these things.......so that they can assist.

-Power and success to you!

-David Mason

[seasidedaisy]

One big cyber hug to you (((((((((((HUG)))))))))))

I have been fasting/cleansing; eating right for many many years. It's all a process. We have ups and downs in our lives, hormonal changes, enviromental changes these all effect us. Life is a roller coaster.

Maybe there is something physical going on. Maybe you want to go to a health care profesional and get checked out.

You also might be allergic to some of the food you are eating. Start writing down what you eat then note how you feel through out the day.

Be Well and take good care of yourself

[twinyoga]

I actually have an annual physical in two weeks. And they'll run all the blood work. I'm wondering if any anemia is setting in. Maybe that's why I look pale?
I've had really bad anemia in the past.

And I'm taking this one day at a time/one hour at a time. You are all a great cyber support group!

And I had a wonderful fruit salad for breakfast to perk me up. :)

[berrymarymac]

I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed!! It could be anemia or a B12 deficiancy, which is linked to anemia.

Whichever way you go, know we are still here to support you no matter what!

[lavendarJ]

Hang in there... your workouts always inspire me on the excercise challenge thread. As others have already posted, try to remember this as a process. I am trying to my best to keep those very words in mind. I know that in the past if I "backslide" and eat something I know I shouldn't then I'd go off the deep end and binge. So I am hoping that if I embrace and bear in mind the concept that life is a process (rather than seeing everything as either success-failure, right-wrong, smart-stupid) then I will be more likely maintain a healthy raw life. I hope this helps.

[pomegranatebliss]

Hi Debbie,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! :(

I'm going to take a slightly different path here and suggest something else...gently. Is there something big and emotional that was releasing on raw, and now you are developing a sort of fear of the raw foods because they bring the emotions to the forefront?

I have gone through so much emotional detox, and continue to do so into my 11th week. The cravings have been monumental this past week, as I've gone through a huge physical and emotional detox. It's like my body is doing everything it can to resist raw at the moment because it's going into uncharted territory now. It wants to heal, but it's scared of all kinds of things right now. There's old junk coming out of my psyche, there's toxins coming out of my body, and it's scary.

I have pushed through it all and stayed raw, but this is the first week that I've had to rely on sheer willpower to do so a lot of the time. I think I'm subconsciously afraid on some level of what I can actually accomplish once I keep going on this lifestyle. Maybe I'm so afraid of failing in the end that the urge to go back to the old way has been stronger?

I'm only mentioning my experience over the past week in case something overlaps yours. Since you said that you really want to do raw, but you just can't for some reason, that seems to be a more emotionally driven statement than a physical one. You have your physical coming up, so that will answer those questions. To address your imbalanced feeling, spend a little bit of gentle time exploring the emotional as well.

I wish you all the best on your journey! :)

[Graciebeliever]

*Gentle hand around your shoulder*

I am not discounting the other ideas that people mentioned here and I think it is very good advice.

I think that there might be some other factors at work here that you may want to consider.

Being a wife and mother is EXTREMELY demanding. You probably love watching your children grow and do things that bring you joy. Without knowing your relationship with your hubby, even if he is the best guy in the world it takes time, energy and intestinal fortitude to be married and have a good releationship.

It sounds like you are having some real Mental, Physical, and emotional fatigue. Basically it sounds like you are burning out.

Eating Raw is a perfect eating solution for us and you already know that, so it is a given. However it is not a cureall for everything that we might be struggeling with (i'm sure you know that too and that adds to the stress when you eat Sad or off raw).

When we are in a giving cycle, kids, hubby, friends, family, it is VERY easy to forget about our own needs as there is little or no time left for it when we colapse in our chair or bed at night.

Sleep becomes shallow and unrefreshing, our chemistry in our bodies becomes CRAZY and even eating raw doesn't stop what happens to our bodies during high stress times. It helps!!! but if you are not getting a balance of all of the things your body needs then you are eventually going to crash.

Being a mom of 2 boys (14 and 17) I well remember being "ON" mommy call 24/7. I slept with one eye open during their young years. Even when all was calm I worried about them. what will I do if this happens? or that? Then I had a relationship to run as well. I won't even go into that but needless to say that took time, energy and emotional output as well.

It is a wonderful thing that you love your hubby and kids, and I am sure you take great care of them but it sounds like you (like me) are a giver and we will always put ourselves last.

When you open up and talk about how you feel (which is a wonderful thing and a credit to you and in the long run will serve you for healing) it sounds like you are a pin ball trapped on a table, bouncing off all the bumpers and going back and forth not knowing what to do.

You already know what is right in your heart and you strive for those things but you need to stop and look at what YOU need for 5 minutes.

You said that even coming here took too much time. if 5 minutes or 30 minutes of your day is "too much time" then you need to slow down and figure out why this is happening.

Do you say YES too much to people? Have you scheduled too much that even Wonderwoman couldn't do it?

I would put the kids to bed, sit down with the hubby and discuss your daily schedule, your needs as a person (you know.. what YOU need) maybe that is one afternoon off away from everyone, or one hour alone in the bathtub to soak away stress kid and hubby free, maybe a guarenteed full night of sleep not worrying about the kids so you can totally let down and de-stress.

Break the cycle of drain on yourself. sometimes it can be a simple thing or it might mean really serching for what is draining you the most. If you are in a cycle and can't get out then it will mean forcibly stopping it.

Sleep and rest is usually a great place to start.

EVERYONE needs to recharge their batteries!

Taking time and being good to yourself is NOT being selfish. IT IS NECCESSARY!!!!

These are all my most humble opinions and I have said this many times here on this board that you MUST be good to yourself and if you are a giver type than all the more important for you to keep or return some of that wonderful giving back to yourself before you use it all up and won't have any for anyone else :( and let me tell you what, I know from experience what it feels like to have nothing left to give.. NOT GOOD ... especially when it can be avoided with some small changes.

Find your Battery Charger :) Find what brings you peace and refueling.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

[Coriander74]

Everyone has said anything I could dream of to say...

So HUGE hugs for you. You're in my thoughts. Please take good care of yourself in the meantime, while you're figuring things out. You're a wonderful woman, and deserving of happiness, whichever way it finds you.

We're all here for you in the meantime.

[asil]

Everyone has had such good advice. I only have one small thing to add: I wonder if doing 8-1-1 or whichever challenges you were doing was just too much at this particular time. I mean, with young children, a full life, stress, etc, maybe trying to track fat or whatever was just too much on top of it all. A year of raw is great, but in the scope of our lives, it's pretty short-term. Maybe trying to be very strict on top of that is just more than you want to take on at this time?

Just speculating. In any case, hope you feel better soon.

[spicyfull]

RAW is not going anywhere.......It will wait on you..........When you return RAW will welcome you with open arms............

[Naiad]

I'd definately supplement with some hemp powder/oil for extra GLA/EFA and protein.

I also find that including lots of rich, fatty things like macadamia nut oil and avocado help give that sense of satisfaction and enjoyment early on.

I have anemia as well and I barely take my iron, but, I did at the beginning and continue to now when my body feels like it needs it.

I'd really sit down and ask yourself what you think you're missing... what you crave. I even keep some sprouted hemp bread on hand for when I crave starches and usually 2 slices fill me up and satiate the craving.

I added more fats and celtic sea salt to what I was eating and I'm happy as a clam and still losing weight and even faster now because I'm happy and full of energy to go to the gym :)

[luckitri]

One of the wonderful things about this site for me - in addition to the helpfulness and support was finding out that I am not expected to be perfect right away and that other people do fall back to SAD on occasion and no-one condemns them for it. No one here is a negative judger (that I have seen yet). Since I am new at this I don't have any ideas but I just want to support you in helping yourself to get through this and am hoping that you get the time to keep us posted on this journey since any one of us may also experience this at any time.

[Gosia]

I think that your body gives you hints (skin breaking out, pale complection, feeling depressed etc) that it is not feeling quite right on the diet you are feeding it.

Wanting more cooked after eating some cooked is due to detox. If you could stay all-raw for a week or two, this phase will pass, and the cycle will be broken.

I've also had problems with being indecisive. I understand that this is the way my mind is trying to play tricks on me to get me back to my addictions. This is why when I make my decision whether to eat raw or not, I rely on how my body feels rather than on what my mind tells me. If I feel crappy while eating cooked, then to me, it is the sign that whatever I eat is crappy too.

I had a terrible backslide last week, but feeling yucky soon got me to making an inevitable conclusion, and I went back to raw.

Your body never lies, you can rely on it always. The mind, on the other hand...

Gosia

[greeninlosangeles]

I fell offthe wagon once and also after well meaning hosts made me a salad with a little of cheese. I thought - one or two tablespoons won't change much. But it did. It took me two weeks to get 100 percent raw again and it was very warm soup that did it - it burned my stomach so bad that I can't understand how I was eating hot foods before!
You will find the way to get back, just wait for the right wave and then jump on it and don't let it go again, not even for well meaning friends.

[twinyoga]

Thank you so much! This is such a great group of people and support. xxoo

I'm doing much better, really working on balance, LISTENING to my body.

Yes, raw will always be waiting for me (I ate two out of three meals all raw yesterday). This is all a jounrey. I love sharing it with everyone, and I hope to teach people one day from what I'm learning.

I'll keep all of you posted. I'm not going anywhere.

Thank you!

[greenfeline]

I don't post here much about my internal raw struggles, but I too, convince myself that things are good for me or okay to eat. I keep coming to this site and reading posts, looking at the yummy, nourishing raw recipes. I also read through raw books (Alissa's gives me the most inspiration) to reaffirm what I know deep inside to be true and to give me some strength to continue on raw. Whatever you do, do not beat yourself up over slip ups and just get back on raw the best you can.