RAW gives me control!

[rawpriestess]

In my currently out of control life, (which I suppose all life is) I have one thing i can count on, eating raw.

I can control that one thing in my life, and that is what I eat, I can attempt to control my thoughts, which manifest my reality.

I can attempt to control my emotions, which isn't working very well, I can attempt to go forward with my future, not happening, don't care.

I can attempt to control my environment, Yeah right! LOL

i can attempt to control anything, I want to waste my time on, but the only thing I can truly control is eating raw.

I've heard of people going through massive life changing events, and unbearable turmoil, and they have one thing that got them through it, a higher purpose, and maybe my higher purpose is to eat 100% raw through all fo this.

[rawfigure]

...a bow to you ;) and applause....well said !!

[Veganforlife]

I second that! Very well spoken!

[greenfeline]

Always well said. I am trying to have better control over my emotional eating, but am still struggling.

[codajess]

That's why most people who have eating disorders end up with them. It's the only thing they feel they can control.

[rawpriestess]

Ah yes, this could be me.


I've always felt out of control in my life, ever since I was a child, and I could always control my eating.

I know that ever since I have been alone over a week, I have eaten hardly anything at all, this feels good to be able to control my food intake, NOT like I did in the past, but I'm sure that it is just another form of eating disorder, control mechanism, that I am playing at.

Because this doesn't help me deal with my true feelings. And I'm not quite ready to do that at this time. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next life, but not right now.

[dreamrawalwz]

Ah yes, this could be me.


I've always felt out of control in my life, ever since I was a child, and I could always control my eating.

I know that ever since I have been alone over a week, I have eaten hardly anything at all, this feels good to be able to control my food intake, NOT like I did in the past, but I'm sure that it is just another form of eating disorder, control mechanism, that I am playing at.

Because this doesn't help me deal with my true feelings. And I'm not quite ready to do that at this time. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next life, but not right now.

Be careful with that RP ok? Knowing your past I don't think going down that road is the best thing for ya...You have to deal with these feelings.

[dreamrawalwz]

That's why most people who have eating disorders end up with them. It's the only thing they feel they can control.

Yup, that's partially it!

P.S. YOU HAVE MY CAR ON YOUR ICON THING! Ok not my car, but the one I want! I want iether the Toyota Prius or Toyota Matrix. <3

[rawfigure]

That's why most people who have eating disorders end up with them. It's the only thing they feel they can control.

Partially as dream said...I like to be in control everything, but my dh won't let me :-( ;)

[Lunar*Fey]

For a little while now I've been feeling that you need to be careful Rawpriestess, just as Tracey said. Going through another form of eating disorder is not going to give you what you want from life, all it can do is take away precious years. Jumping from addiction to addiction isn't going to get you anywhere, and it isn't a form of growth...but a way to fool yourself. I hope I don't sound harsh, I don't mean to at all. Its just, instead of hiding in disorders and addictions and the like we need to come out and face our fears and problems and emotions...face them head on with nothing in the way, no where to hide. Please be careful Rawpriestess, and wise in your decisions. we all love you :)

<3 Lunar*Fey

[dreamrawalwz]

Well said Bristol.

[smasty]

Being raw is the only thing that REMOVES my eating disorder. It completely vanishes on raw! I eat when I'm hungry, I can completely control sweets, I don't eat over emotions, or boredom, or stress. But, as soon as I break raw, the eating disorder is back and I can be in a downward spiral for months or even over a year.

[rawpriestess]

I ate 1/2 a pineapple yesterday, probably not enough food huh?


Today, I had a glass of orange juice, and will eat onion bread and a barly burger, with lettuce tomato and onion,

I think that sounds like enough.

I did have a cup of herb tea and 2 big glasses of water too.

this is my usualy food intake for the day, I finally got some hunger back today, for the past -- well, you know how long, I just haven't been hungry at all.

I am trying to take care of myself, but it isn't easy, it just all seems so hopeless.

Gosh, that didn't sound good, well, that is how I feel, Hopeless.

there, I addressed my true feelings, now I don't seem much like a priestess, raw or otherwise.

I know it will get better, life goes on, I know all those things that people say, but I don't feel it inside, I feel empty, I feel dead.

It would be easier.

[Lunar*Fey]

Oh Rawpriestess, you will always be a priestess :)
I know exactly how you feel. In fact, I could have written just what you wrote. I also notice that when my body isn't getting enough to eat, I may not feel hungry at all but I have so much trouble dealing with things and emotions and such. I really wish I could come visit you. See, I know that you KNOW that life will go on blah blah blah but actually getting your brain to understand that and move on is a whole different story. I really understand where you are coming from. Please please please feel free to email me ( nightshade_16@sbcglobal.net ) to get some emotions out or if you just need to talk. you can also try to catch me on AIM ( xChangetheStars )

love love love

<3 Lunar*Fey

[rawstrawberry]

I agree with Lunar*Fey you will always be a Priestess. You are a loving wonderful woman no one can take that away from. You can be whoever you want to be.

Whether you spend the next couple of days crying or laughing express your emotions without restraint or guilt but never forget to look at the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can relate to what your are going through to some degree, if you need anything feel free to email me as well. I live in Van so if you ever feel like getting out of town and want to hang out for a day let me know just a change of scenery can do wonders.

Keep going and remember it will get easier!! You don't always have to be "strong".

Raw Strawberry

[madmel]

RP,

yes, you are hopeless. But that's only temporary. In due time, your hope, your good vibes will come back, they will return and you will embrace life to the fullest. You will feel hope, happiness and joy!

You know what impresses me all the time when reading your posts?
Your honesty, your openness.

For now life seems to be hopeless, without joy, weak, desperate, that's the way to deal with it. And it will last for some time, but when it's gone it's gone.

We are here for you, always.

mel

[RawTruth]

I DO know what you're going through. My life took this turn also since I've been on this forum ... and we're near the same stage in life, so I do think I understand your feelings. Please know that you can call me or write to me.

Also ... you must feel those feelings -- go through them and out the other side. I know you have the courage for this. And ... eat more, girl!! Yes, you can exercise your control in staying raw ... but don't let that leak over onto the amounts your eating!!! Danger, Will Robinson!!

Life IS good. There are whirlpools and stumbling blocks ... and life is still good!!

If you haven't already done so, order and see The Secret, C.

Blessings to you!

[fallenangel]

RP!
YOU ARE A PRIESTESS, NOT A ROBOT!! AND WHAT MAKES YOU SO WONDERFUL AS A PERSON IS THAT YOU ARE SO HUMAN IN MANY RESPECTS JUST LIKE THE REST OF US AND THATS WHY PEOPLE RELATE TO ALL YOUR BRILLIANT ADVICE!! DONT FEEL THAT YOU ARE IMMUNE TO EMOTIONS GO EASY ON YOURSELF AND BE A LITTLE BLUE IF YOU NEED TO BE! ITS JUST ANOTHER FORM OF DETOX! IT WILL ALL SEEM SO MUCH HARDER IF YOU ARE NOT EATING ENOUGH AS YOUR BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS WILL BE ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THEN YOU WILL GET FAMISHED WHICH WILL MAKE YOU FEEL TERRIBLE! i UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE DOING THOUGH AT POINTS IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS FEELING LIKE THAT I STOPPED EATING FOR A WEEK AFTER AND IT MADE THE WHOLE SITUATION WORSE BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL SICK TOO ON TOP OF THE BLUES WHICH IS A ROTTEN PLACE TO BE!
I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER IN YOURSELF SOON, BUT CONCENTRATE ON YOUR NEEDS AS A HUMAN AND DONT BE WORRYING WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF THE PRIESTESS AS YOU SAID ABOVE... I THINK ITS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT WE ALL THINK THE WORLD OF YOU!
XXXXXXXXXXX
YVONNE
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF RP!!
LOTS OF LOVE

[honeybee joy]

RP,

Just wanted to let you know that I have always thought you are the most giving, caring, loving person. You have my full support thru this tough time.

I kinda know how you feel about not eating, my whole life I was a compulsive binger, and I do catch myself going over to the other side, and just not eating. I have noticed that over eating, under eating, it all stems from the same stuff. Today I had that problem, because I really wanted to eat SAD to block out feelings, and since I wasn't going to let myself, or couldn't I was just not gonna eat. I did end up eating, binging on raw all night long. (I binged on your brownies with that Store Bought Icing that EPPP posted up.) Yuck, I feel sick. (not because of your brownies, but because I ate too much) It has been hard to try to deal with these feelings. I got so mad, because I just wanted them gone, I was so jealous of others who could go eat and get drunk and just escape, but we are on a better path, and good will come out of it, even if it is painful right now.

We are so lucky, that we all have everyone on this board. It is such a good support. Many could not say that they were this lucky!

You are so beautiful. Keep your head up. Good will come out of it!

[Veganforlife]

RP - it's healthy to feel "blue" and depressed and bummed out at times. It IS another form of detox. Do not feel mad at yourself or angry because you feel this way - it's human.
I totally enjoy reading your posts and have learned so much from them in these three short weeks I've been on the boards.
Your Higher Power is watching over you...
I said in one of my early posts that I love your location in life...

[chilove]

RP,

I'm sending you many thoughts of comfort, hope, and peace. You will get through this! I promise. I've also been through this, it does get better, day by day. REALLY! You must hold on to the things that bring you small comfort. For me for some reason, it was images of snuggling puppies and kittens. That always made me smile. Find what can still make you smile and hold on to it.

All the best,

Audrey

[jennplas]

Hi RP..
I am sorry that you have to go through what you are going through. it is not easy.
i do know that time is often what will make us feel better.
we recently went through the death of my father in law. Nothing can change the emotions you are feeling at the time, but in time, they will just be less intense and suddenly, you will realize that you ARE moving on. :)
The important thing i think is to just keep it raw. do what you have to do to keep going and suddenly, you will realize you have surpassed another obstacle in your life, another learning experience.
The important thing I am learning right now is self-love. In the case of a separation or divorce, whatever happens, dont take it personally. it did not happen because you are you. when the other person makes a choice to leave , it is about them, and not about you.
You are a wonderful person who has helped SO many people in this forum. and it is not because you are perfect. it is because you show us what being a REAL person is. you share your ups and downs and that is truly what i appreciate. you are true, you are human and you are showing me that it IS possible to conquer eating issues.

just give it time and make the best choices for yourself :) nurture yourself and love yourself. of course you need to mourn and share your emotions... but the only thing that can heal a wound is time i think. :) not everyone will agree, but i am just sharing what i have learned in life so far.

*hugz*
jennP

[Raw Jewelrylady]

RP- Yes-you are going through a MAJOR LIFE CHANGE. IMO-you need to feel the pain & then get through the other side.

I am sooo happy to hear that you are letting *Raw* help you instead of going back to SAD.

I remember when I got divorced-I did not go through the pain-& it came back at me MANY years later.

I don't have the answer-as we all grieve differently, but know that my thoughts are with you.

All my best, :o

Lana

PS. I truly think your writing to the forum will help you & others in the same situation. Bravo for all you courage.

[rawpriestess]

You are all so wonderful, I love you all, my dear Raw family.


I suppose I do need to deal with these emotions, the abandonment, is my biggest issue.

Growing up at the age of 4, my father left, and a few years later, my mom told me he has a new little girl now, I always remembered that, it really cut deep.

My brother was mentally ill, and so he was sent away to a hospital when I was 4 (same time as my dad left), my mom used to tell me to "be good" or she would send me away too.

I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it sounded, but to my little girl heart, it cut pretty deep.

I have had this issue with abandonment, my entire life, I keep thinking that I have gotten over it, but it rears it's ugly head now and then. I suppose it feels like I'm dieing, because I so entwine myself with my mate or friend, or whomever to the point of it being like a death when it ends.

That is probably why I am an over-achiever, always have to be "the best" or "one of the best" at everything, or I won't even try it. I have to work twice as hard to "do it right" and I have to do everything, It took me my entire life to finally start asking for help in anything, chores, gardens, housework, moving, etc. I always thought I could do everything myself. LOL

He made choices, and I manifested this in my life.

It is that simple, I try to look at the higher purpose of all of this, and all I can say, is that I don't see it yet, but I know it's there, the Universe always has a higher purpose for all involved, and I'm sure it does here too.

If he was that unhappy, then it is good that he has left me. I just wish I had known, so we could have tried worked it out.

But after finding out all that I did about his life, (the parts I didn't know about until he left) I don't think we could have worked it out.

We are way too different, he told me this when he left, but I didn't understand, I only had our life together to base my beliefs on.

Once he left, I found out many things, that were so foreign to me, so unbelievable, that I still to this day, can't believe they are real. There was such a big part of his life that he kept secret from me.

If I had known, I never would have gone out with him in the first place.

So, now I grieve, some days it's better, some days it's not so good.

I have lots of friends, so I can talk with them, I can go visit them, and do lots of work, but eventually I will end up being home alone with my animals, in my big empty house, and go to bed alone again.

There are times I just want to call up any old boyfriend, to numb this pain, but that isn't good for me or the old bf. LOL

I just want this to go away, and it won't as long as I push it down with starvation or work, I suppose I need to just meditate on this, cry, scream, yell, and release it all, or it will fester inside, and make it so I will never be able to love anyone again, including myself.

I have gone through so many many relationships in my life, one was 12 years, and I finally had to walk away, because of the cheating.

I just need to deal with this. To look at for what higher purpose I manifested this, and then move on.

It just hurts so bad, to think that I trusted him and believed him and was willing to sell everything to move to the property in Fiji that he wanted so badly.

You know everyone thinks they are doing the right thing at the moment, I'm sure he did too. I certainly did.

There are times that life is just too hard, and this is one of them.

[miniaturelion]

i have grieved lost love & death - but, being decieved is the worst
pain of all. especially when it has gone on for some time. all the while
(if you had known) you would have made different choices - maybe
even had a different life !? you feel truley cheated! the anger &
resentment, sorrow, confusion, abandonment... grief! ugghhh!
get it out! don't think about the lessons in this till much later.
give yourself a time frame (even a year) before you doing any heavy
thinking - it's not going to make any sense. just purge yourself of your
emotions. take it day by day & yes, friends - you need friends.
when your home alone - get online & hug your doggie.
i'm sending you support.
thank you for sharing so much on this board - you have helped me many
times (even now) thru your honest posts.
we love you rp!!!!

[Svadhyaya]

Everyone here has given you such wisdom......
You know this already, because you are so wise yourself.

So grieve, and grieve well, but please do love yourself and take this time to truly nurture the woman who has been hurt. She deserves love, so please give yourself plenty of it. And please keep up your physical strength by eating.....if you don't it will compound the problem and you'll only feel worse.

I am so very sorry you are going through such an agonizing time.
Having been deceived by the love of my life and abandoned, I know from experience that this kind of grief is cold and ugly beyond words.

You are beautiful and strong and worthy of all life's best.
Remember that, and know that you will be in my prayers.

[Lady Green Jeans]

RP,

My heart goes out to you as you have to go through this pain. I agree with so much of the advice given here. It does take time to heal....please let yourself continue feeling your feelings and getting it out. It is such a blessing to have friends--I know they will be a help if you let them.

Please know you are loved. You have honestly shared so much of yourself here and have inspired so many--including me. You will always be RP to all of us.

[rawpriestess]

thank you all, I'm feeling a bit better, I went out and worked in the yard, got all dirty, and sweaty, it was great, my yard is actually starting to look nice again.

water, water, water, mow, weed, rake, water, water, water, weed, weed, mow, weed, rake. My new mantra. LOL

[codajess]

Yup, that's partially it!

P.S. YOU HAVE MY CAR ON YOUR ICON THING! Ok not my car, but the one I want! I want iether the Toyota Prius or Toyota Matrix. <3


Actually it's MY car :p After like a year of thinking and debating between two cars, and finally making a decision, then 10 weeks of waiting for it to come in, I finally got it two Fridays ago. My neighbor who hates me has already (purposely, i'm sure) dented my back passenger door and scraped my front passenger within 4 days of me getting it. :mad: I digress...

[dreamrawalwz]

Actually it's MY car :p After like a year of thinking and debating between two cars, and finally making a decision, then 10 weeks of waiting for it to come in, I finally got it two Fridays ago. My neighbor who hates me has already (purposely, i'm sure) dented my back passenger door and scraped my front passenger within 4 days of me getting it. :mad: I digress...

Oh my! Why would someone hate you and do that!? Some people just need to grow up! She's an adult right? lol

[codajess]

Oh my! Why would someone hate you and do that!? Some people just need to grow up! She's an adult right? lol

Apparently she didn't take too well to me politely asking her to close her apartment door when she's blasting the TV/Radio while I"m trying to sleep. NOT turn it down, mind you...shut her door. She has this thing where she leaves her apartment door wide open all day long for no reason, so the rest of us have to enjoy her noise. I've gone over there 3 times to politely ask her to just shut her door. She got an attitude last time. So I said screw it and reported her to the office and she got a noise citation. So yay, a new car. 4 days later, damage I have to pay for out of pocket, take time out of my schedule to go have fixed...:rolleyes: And don't get me started on how the hallway is her personal toybox for her toddler's toys/bikes. Moving 3 bikes at 2 am just so I can get to my apartment is great fun.
Anyhoo...

RawPriestess:I don't think you're stuffing (or NOT stuffing, as the case may be) down feelings by not eating. I think that's the body's natural way of fasting to speed healing/grieving/detoxing of feelings/etc.

[LNdolls]

A week after I left my twelve year marriage, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Grief is a friend now, a familiar companion that I fought, resisted and finally embraced.
I feared I would drown in my tears. I didn't. In fact, allowing the emotions to come allowed them to have their time, be expressed and then let them fade... because they do. Grief comes in waves... we can handle them, truly we can. I have chosen to be alone since then... and I have come to love my own company. Sometimes I am deeply lonely.. but, ya know sometimes I felt that way when I was very much in love. It passes, too... just like the waves of grief.
Don't be afraid of your tears, they are a gift. Allowing the emotions allows the healing.... I send you big hugs, RP. This is a special and precious time for you.
Best Always,
LN

[Green Life]

When I get control of something that was as out-of-control as my food habits used to be, You betcha it makes you feel wonderful!

Heck, when I have control over my eating, the rest of my life runs pretty smoothly.

Well said, RP.


Cheers!
Green :D Life

[Lay-Lay]

Congrats on gaining control. That is awesome!

[SparklePlenty]

Christine, age 4 is such a crucial age for loss, my grandma died when I was 4 and it sure sets us up for feeling like we are truly dying when someone leaves. I felt that and went thru it when my 14 yr marriage ended and, boy, did he have a secret life too. But I didn't complete the work of releasing it then, I didn't know I was strong enough, so it came back and I dealt with it last year..

What I know is that feelings rise, peak, fall and vanish like all energy. Holding them back seems to keep them at that peak, so I loved hearing your yard/garden mantra as you used that activity to move the energy thru you.

What I also know is that this is a time for primal, core issues to be triggered and up in our faces to be cleared/healed/released for the last time, as we allow ourselves to ascend to a new vibrational level. Ask your Angels of Karma to clear this pattern of abandonment agony for you. They will be thrilled that you are asking. And they will clear it for you. Ask yourself what the consequences of letting this go would be, and then decide if you want it cleared. And if you want it, so it is.

This issue was up for me last year and I thought it would KILL me. It didn't. I am a goddess, a priestess, a spiritual alchemist, and I walked through fire for many months to get to the other side of it--to turn pain into joy, straw into gold. Nothing feels the same now. I have an empty place where the fear used to live. Don't know what will unfold but it's good.

If you ever want to email or talk, please let me know. Or if you want to do some Karmic clearing with me.

Anyway I am sending radiant light to remind you of your own. Just because there's a stick in your bicycle spokes doesn't mean you are not a priestess. I am, and so are you. (((((hugs)))))

love and light
Jan

[swingbolder]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{RawPriestess}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry.