rawpriestess
08-06-2006, 12:12 PM
Yesterday, I went to a totally cool party at a freind's invitation.
We drove up to Seattle, to the Beacon hill district and went to the "weird house" party, and YES it was, they had musicians, yo-yo ists, artists, writers, and just plain goth people, people were in costumes, it was sooooooo cool, I wore my black leggings, and black halter top, with a beautiful silk kimono as a jacket, I looked hot!
Lots of good food, although I didn't go for the food, and the house and the decorating was totally wild. I mean unbelievable, made my house look TAME, which is hard to do.
Anyway, after we got back to my friend's house after the party, we chatted and visited and talked about everything under the sun, it was a glorious day.
Then I got in my car and drove home, and I was thinking about coming home to my house with only me as the human there, and I started to have these cravings, for wheat and dairy, (I won't be specific) I just kept driving, I thought about this food, and I thought about how it would numb my feelings of being alone, and without my partner.
I thought about how far I'd come with my raw eating, my lifestyle choices, and everything, and non of that seemed to matter enough to keep me on the raw track.
I thought about my life before raw, when I was in a bliss filled relationship, I thought about my dreams, hopes, wishes and passions, I thought about everything that I am now, and that I was before.
And eating cooked seemed okay, in fact it seemed like the perfect way to end my day.
It called to me.
It begged me.
I was emersed in my addiction, the voices were outside of me, and inside of me.
I was almost in a trance of addictive behavior.
It was over powering.
I felt like I would litterally die, if I didn't get my cooked wheat and dairy fix.
I was Jonesing bad!!!
Then I thought about laying in bed for several days, with a gall bladder attack, the immense pain that accompanies it. and I realized that I had the most beautiful gift in the world, with that pain.
I could never understand it before, but that unbearable excrusiating gall bladder pain that I had experienced so many times, was my salvation.
I NEVER want to experience that pain again, and every time I have wanted to eat cooked, every time I have had the desire to eat cooked, every single time, I think about that pain, and I am able to stay raw.
So, I embrace that pain, I LOVE that pain, I am so happy that the pain was in my life, because it is keeping me raw.
Now, I can embrace the other pains that I have had in my life, I can embrace the childhood abuse, I can embrace the relationship breakups, I can embrace being fired from jobs, I can embrace the agony of abandonment, because it is very clear in my mind, what I no longer want, and it keeps me on my chosen path.
I am blessed.
We drove up to Seattle, to the Beacon hill district and went to the "weird house" party, and YES it was, they had musicians, yo-yo ists, artists, writers, and just plain goth people, people were in costumes, it was sooooooo cool, I wore my black leggings, and black halter top, with a beautiful silk kimono as a jacket, I looked hot!
Lots of good food, although I didn't go for the food, and the house and the decorating was totally wild. I mean unbelievable, made my house look TAME, which is hard to do.
Anyway, after we got back to my friend's house after the party, we chatted and visited and talked about everything under the sun, it was a glorious day.
Then I got in my car and drove home, and I was thinking about coming home to my house with only me as the human there, and I started to have these cravings, for wheat and dairy, (I won't be specific) I just kept driving, I thought about this food, and I thought about how it would numb my feelings of being alone, and without my partner.
I thought about how far I'd come with my raw eating, my lifestyle choices, and everything, and non of that seemed to matter enough to keep me on the raw track.
I thought about my life before raw, when I was in a bliss filled relationship, I thought about my dreams, hopes, wishes and passions, I thought about everything that I am now, and that I was before.
And eating cooked seemed okay, in fact it seemed like the perfect way to end my day.
It called to me.
It begged me.
I was emersed in my addiction, the voices were outside of me, and inside of me.
I was almost in a trance of addictive behavior.
It was over powering.
I felt like I would litterally die, if I didn't get my cooked wheat and dairy fix.
I was Jonesing bad!!!
Then I thought about laying in bed for several days, with a gall bladder attack, the immense pain that accompanies it. and I realized that I had the most beautiful gift in the world, with that pain.
I could never understand it before, but that unbearable excrusiating gall bladder pain that I had experienced so many times, was my salvation.
I NEVER want to experience that pain again, and every time I have wanted to eat cooked, every time I have had the desire to eat cooked, every single time, I think about that pain, and I am able to stay raw.
So, I embrace that pain, I LOVE that pain, I am so happy that the pain was in my life, because it is keeping me raw.
Now, I can embrace the other pains that I have had in my life, I can embrace the childhood abuse, I can embrace the relationship breakups, I can embrace being fired from jobs, I can embrace the agony of abandonment, because it is very clear in my mind, what I no longer want, and it keeps me on my chosen path.
I am blessed.