Other Topic: Processing for Personal Growth

[Conscious Midwife]

I once had an instructor who told me that FRIENDS were the family we all get to choose!

Well Good Morning "family". It seems as if the T Groups of the 70's have become the cyber forum, threads and blog spots that we post in today!

What I love about this sort of psychosocial evolution is that everyone can have there say. Without even reading the "board rules" one is clear as to the respect and safe place space that we are to create. These understood "boundaries" are as much appreciated as the are expected. And if we digress there is always a moderator available to redirect.

To that end I'd like diclose a piece of me. Below is a personal blog entry I posted this AM. Since my blog address is not in circulation and my blog spot is only minimally utilized I don't , nor did I intend to, receive replies to my stream of consciousness post and rants in my blog.

I share this not to solicite advice or sympathy. Just sharing to put stuff out there in the universe. My public display of intent for next week is self affirming and provides accountability.

For me this post is only a small piece of the bigger picture, but it's like puting together a puzzle and missing the piece that allows you to call it done. We can all see the finished product and assume what goes in the missing spot. But, it's that last piece of blue sky that fell under the table upside down, blending into the carpet so you couldn't find it until after you already took the puzzle apart and put it back into the box.

So here my cut and past:

Hmmm! No consistency with this blogging.
Well quick update on life for me...

I' m about to become "unblocked" in a matter of just a few days. I will see my bio dad after 21 years. Last visit was winter of '85 and we only began having conversations in the fall of '04. WOW!!!

I was raised by a single mother with only sporadic, as in every other year for 1 or 2 days, contact with my father, until I was 15, and then he went MIA. Not just missing from the scene of my life but missing from the lives of his own mother, XWifes and his other children.

I have NO Bitterness! Moved beyond those years ago. A bit nervous, a bit stressed, but welcoming the upcoming interaction. It will either provide closure and peace or open the door to a new relationship. After a lifetime of not always knowing or getting what I want, and often being a reactor to life's circumstances and not a deliberate manifester (sp), I've decided to take a very deliberate hold of this opportunity.

My goal is to quickly assess the situation for what it is and then make an immediate determination as to the amount of energy I want to invest and the outcome I intend to manifest.

The broken little girl in me wants a Daddy, but I'm all grown up now and without a real history I can't even muster up the word "dad" in conversation with my father. None the less my intention is to gain a "friend" and confidant with whom I can laugh and share with, reflect and ponder the universe and maybe even lean on. If he is willing to be a part of the journey and allow our paths to cross then I will give him a clear cut delineation of my expectations, wants, needs and desires with regard to our relationship. It will have to be all or none, this time. Not because of selfishness, but for the sake of self preservation. I have done a lot of work to cope in life with the void caused by his absence and I can't afford to set myself up. Furthermore his intentions must be clear and deliberate. I don't expect fairy tale promises, but I do need a word that on his honor he will try to be "present" and maintain a lifestyle that allows him to be connected to me and the 5 grandchildren that he has never met.

I/ we won't have our hands out but our hearts will be open and hopes high. My 18 year old thinks it is foolish for me to be this vulnerable and receptive. Hmmm an acquired coping mechanism learned from me to deal with her own issues surrounding the father she has not seen in 14 years.

This brings me to the point of it all. The cycle must be broken, connection is so totally necessary. Generations of love, legacy and life are being lost. We will reclaim our past in order to forge a better future. Yuck how cliché...

Ummm, we will relate to one another in the now and marvel at the commonalities and traits shared in order to collectively move forward nurtured and empowered by the potential of what can be. Knowing that a warm embrace, and affirming nod and the words "I now know you therefore I love you" are all that is required for me to feel I have entered a safe space.

what a goofy manifesto. But I gotta have an expectation!

YOUR THOUGHTS?!?!?!?!!?

[sport]

Congrats.
I think that you are a far better person than I and I wish you every success.
I do not know if I would be capable of such understanding and forgivness but I admire it in you.

[Conscious Midwife]

Congrats.
I think that you are a far better person than I and I wish you every success.
I do not know if I would be capable of such understanding and forgivness but I admire it in you.


THE FORGIVING IS AS MUCH FOR THE FORGIVER AS IT IS THE FORGIVEN!

Thanks for your wish :)

[Sharon in Colorado]

Please keep us updated, how exciting for you! It must be equally exciting and nerve-racking for him.

I lost my dad when I was 10, but I still have dreams about him being alive. I would give anything to see him one more time, it is hard growing up without a father or even a father-figure.

[Conscious Midwife]

Please keep us updated, how exciting for you! It must be equally exciting and nerve-racking for him.

I lost my dad when I was 10, but I still have dreams about him being alive. I would give anything to see him one more time, it is hard growing up without a father or even a father-figure.


Will Do! ;)

[Conscious Midwife]

T-36 hours before I leave.
Doing laundry and packing my bags now. Reciting my "manifesto" in my head.

These are the other tapes playing in my head:

Forgiveness
Boundaries
Change
Self Preservation
"Feelings Buried Alive Never Die..."
Get unblocked unblocked and the door to your creative self will be unlocked
SEIZE THE DAY
Wassup Big Daddy

[Conscious Midwife]

So I'm here in MD

Had the visit with bio dad and grandmother yesterday.

in a word my summation of the experience:

ODD

No closure as of yet, no healing, no new beginning.
I will see him one more timebefore my return to TN.
Maybe a chance for more dialogue.

Yesterdays visit was superficial, awkward and all of 75min. Including the obligatory hugs and air kisses, plus stares from my 2 older children who were looking like WTF ( what the fruit :D ) is going on here.

I was so distressed by his self imposed deteriorating health.

Mixed feeling about my grandmother who now 86 has the skin of a 50 year old but appeared a bit frail, temporarily in a wheel chair while she rebuilds strength and using portable O2. Hmmmmm

Will be more reflective after tommorows w\encoutner and my return home. I'm on a hotel 'puter gotta run.

JUst wanted to keep my chosen cyber family posted!!!

;) Thanks for the support everyone :D

Hmmm time to go clean the rose tinted glasses. I might have expected too much too soon. Plus of course I wanted to hear nothing of my bio dads personal agenda to "have his oldest daughter near him to behold".

[sport]

You do seem to have control of the situation so Well Done and Good Luck with the next meeting.
Did you try to get them to convert to raw. I would not be able to stop myself.

[Conscious Midwife]

LOL :D

When i saw all the edema in his legs and discolored skin. I wanted to say dude off the meds and detox that liver, next find you some flax seeds instead of taking 2 blood thinners. Will fill you in later.

Did share the raw info with a sister I have here. We communicate at least once a year. She's 31 concerced about hormones, and gets annual mammograms and sonograms for a cyst concern that started like 6 years ago. I'm concerned about the mammos being overdone!

She wants to be energized and loose 25lbs. I think i can get her to try. She's already off beef and finally pork due to cholesterol concerns. her hubby is very overweight, thought the doctors didn't seem to concerned.

I didn't even a ddress the diet with my 86 yr old grandma, she has dementia. So...............

[sport]

I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder if I will feel guilty in years to come about not trying to get my 85 year old motheer to change but when I think of it now I say that I should leave her alone to live out her lifs as she wants.
I gave her some date nut tort once and she thought that it was tasteless and I am thinking that I find it over tasty if you know what I mean. I would prefer it to be a bit more bland but she finds it tasteless so what chance have I.
I gave one of my sisters (who has some problems) Alissa's book and DVDs for Christmas and now find that she has spent the past few weeks on a meal replacement diet. Now how much sense does that make.
I hope that you have better luck with your sister.

[Sharon in Colorado]

Well how awesome you got to meet the biological pop. I know you have/will have an effect on him in all ways.

Congratulations too on getting through this process. You showed your kiddos that the human heart is important. He did what he did and made his choices, and they see that you have fogiveness in your heart and a willingness to give a chance to some kind of relationship with him, even if it's just a friendly acquaintance type one.

I will bet that he was very afraid of reaching out. If it wasn't for you, or if you had a hardened heart, this meeting would not have taken place, there would be no window to open. This is an important step.

If anything, now that window has been unlocked, even cracked open a little for some fresh air to get through. It is now up to him to open it a little more.

[Conscious Midwife]

So yesterdays meeting was again awkward and odd.

I'm at a loss for words. Need to do more introspection and solo processing before i post again.

Dsefinately getting unblocked though, which is really good! :)

[Revvell]

I'm at a loss for words. Need to do more introspection and solo processing before i post again.


This is something you already know yet, might consider: It's not personal.

As one who has and is dealing with family relationships ~ mother just died in May; father died when I was 12; holding anger for so many years, finally getting clarity on it all and releasing it; meeting relatives I've not seen in almost 40 years and their opinion of me being swayed by a brother (who lives in the same town/state as they do) I've not seen for about 26 years...it's definitely, not personal.

It's actually a curiousity. lol

Revvell

[Conscious Midwife]

Hmmm curiosity indeed.

Here is the really funny thing. I was actually more into the anthropology/ biolology of it all than I was into the psycho emotional melodramatic blah blah.

Ex.
I was trying to check the teeth structure, gait in the walk of my father. Hands and skin of maternal grandmother. Even marveled at the youthfulness of my bio sisters maternal grandmother and grandmother inlaw, which of course has no bearing on me gentically but interesting none the less.

Basically looking for signs in my predecessors as to who I can become or avoid becoming depending on my success with raw. :)

Taking note of the patterns related to the women my father has chosen to mate with over the years and the similarities. Occupations, stressors, addictions, habits, appearance etc...

Some silly some insightful.

For now I think we will keep things to the level of Holiday politeness. You know obligatory cards, annual family photo swaps etc... Not because of bitterness or animosity, but because there wasn't enough depth presented to convince me to "invest emotionally" right now. I will however forge a closer relationship with my sister, we have children similiar ages who really enjoyed each others company and have grown up without cousins, I think it is important for children to have this peer/family bond for later years.

What will help is for me to dig out my journals from the 90's when I was in pain over the not having a father issue. Maybe I can see what I thought I was missing orl ooking for and resolve it. I kept journals during a time when I was going through emotionally and when I literally thought he was dead.


Hmmmmm

:) Thanks revell

[Conscious Midwife]

With out even digging out the journals. I figured out what was missing from last weeks encounter...


An Apology

So today I sit here at the 'puter sobbing because though I've forgiven him for: his absence, for all that I "thought" I missed by not having him in my life, for the lack I experienced growing up without his provision,for his not attending any school functions or beaming with pride when I got my report cards, for the SHAME I felt by being a fatherless child in Colorado in the 70's when it wasn't really that common, for the shame my mother felt for being a single mother in the 70's when in her circle of friends it wasn't that popular, for making me feel less than and unworthy 'cause he was gone, for making me feel less than and unworthy 'cause he had other children with other women who he financially supported (even if just for a season), for not protecting me from the predators I encountered in odd childcare arrangements my mother made so she could work to feed me, for leaving me vulnerable and "uncovered" as a young woman, for not being around to protect me from the creeps I encountered as a teenager, for not being the MAN he should have been and stepping up to the frickin' plate, for setting me up to repeat the same old crap!!!

Years ago I thought I let go of those feelings above so that I could survive, break the cycle, avoid depression and experience a fruitful life. From the age of about 17 I stopped blaming his absence for anything that had or that I was to experience in life. I did and still do take 100% responsibility for the way I experience, perceive and react/respond to life.

I hadn't released the pain or the shame. I had only supressed it pushing it down deeper within wearing a different mask in different seasons to disguise who I thought others might think I was and compensate for the lack I felt.

Spending, promescuity, over zealous religiosity and then food became my medicine.

Hmmm (tears all dry now)

I'm a conquerer I'm OK I made it through and I have forgiven!!!

[Revvell]

LifeAGift,

Thank you for sharing all the emotional highs and lows you are encountering in this journey to yourself. All I can say about my personal journey is ~ layers w/in layers. We're like onions. When we think we've got it right, there's another layer to peel off, examine and possibly discard.

The question here is: who would you be if society had not interered?

As I've peeled the layers I've found who I created myself to be as protection from all the hurt and expectations ~ the facades. After peeling so many layers, finding I had no idea who I was, I've found my core which is strength coming from within instead of the hard shell covering the mush.

As I read what you write I'm examining my own journey and what a trip it was and still is!!!

As you continue, my sense is you will find yourself and you will find peace (if you've not already?) as I have. Just know, the journey continues even then and what a divine dance it is.

Revvell

[Conscious Midwife]

Revvell

Journey to myself, I like the way you put that!

That is exactly what it is :)

Who am I, and why am I here? Two questions that we seem to always be asking.

Thanks for your continued insights and reflections too :)

[spicyfull]

Awsome, give it time healing will come. You did the right thing. I am so proud of you..............

[Conscious Midwife]

GOSH I feel really good today.
RAW------Unblocked---------------and CLEAR!!!

This whole buisness of living authentically (my siggy below) is just really about keeping it real with yourself!

I truely feel so confident and whole today.


IT's ALL ABOUT ME BABY!!! :D

[JEN]

Its amazing how GREAT it feels to release so many years of pain. Without being raw I dont think I would have gotten mine out. Just after my release, I felt so light and I could take bigger and deeper breaths than I'd ever taken before. Im very happy for you. If you feel good today......just wait until tomorrow! :)

[Conscious Midwife]

I feel really good about all the processing.

THis has been a very beneficial experience.
Thank you to all who read and responded, and thanks to those who read and sent healing enrgy my way.

I'm in a really good place right now, and I'm HAPPY.

So maybe I'll call the folks today, or drop them a card.

[Conscious Midwife]

Hmmmm

ok so I've talked with my SIS twice since I left MD. once to let her know we made it home safely, and the second time she called to confirm my email address and forward some pics.

The BIO DAD has yet to call. I will take the "dilussional" high road and assume that since he doesn't have a cell phone or a job that he is saving $$$ and not wanting to run up the long distance bill at my grandmothers.

I will call him tonight, my cell minutes being free on weekends.

I will give him my email with a suggestion for him to stay in touch via email from his ex wifes house, that he frequents weekly, or the free public library, and I will also let him know that he can call anytime after 6p and that I can call him back instantly for for free.


CAN I MAKE IT ANY EASIER?!?!?!?!?!!?

Hmmmm. Should I have to lay out a road map for a nearly 60 year old man?
Am I setting myself up for future disappointment?
Should I read between the lines and assume he got "his fix" knowing I'm alive and well and that he lakes the propensity to build a base from which to have a relationship?

What are the psychoemotional implications of calling vs. not calling?

[Revvell]

Am I setting myself up for future disappointment?

From what you've said ~ probably.

We've got a saying ~ you can't teach a pig to sing. You'll only frustrate yourself and irritate the pig.

[Sharon in Colorado]

Your idea is great. Call him and then let him know you'll be available and you can call him back if he'd like. Leave the ball in his court.

If you don't hear from him, and you want to talk to him, call again. Do it 2-3 times because you are the responsible person, and then let him know that you don't see the need to call him since he's not reciprocating and doesn't seem to have an interest.

Yes, sometimes even 60 year olds (men AND women) need directions. You'd think that we all get wiser with age but some of us have more to learn while others just need more patience! :p

[Conscious Midwife]

Thanks Sharon and Revell

The connection with my lil' Sis will be fine. I'm gonna put together a small scrap book for biodad's birthday ( October ) and then put him on the list for obligatory holiday cards.

The forgiveness part, closure and just peace of it all has made my emotional load a lot lighter. My marriage has even benefitted, and we are already in a good place, it just keeps getting better as my authentic self is allowed to flourish.


Thanks CYBER FAM for letting me do a private experience in a sort of pulic way, and thanks a bunch for the feedback. Cyber T- Groups are good and PROCESSING is even better I feel the GROWTH, glad yall were here for the journey.
Love, light and laughter to you all!!!

[Conscious Midwife]

Hmmmm...

So tag I'm IT, again. He's yet to call. Oh well, NO SUPRRISE

You all no the song

PAPA was a rolling stone.... ;)

[sport]

You did the best that you could and perhaps he is not capable of making a deeper connection.
You have gained and grown from the experience.
He is responsible for what he does next, not you.

[Revvell]

Waiting for someone to do as you want is like waiting for rocks to grow wings and fly. Just because someone gave their sperm to create you doesn't really obligate them to do much more other than give one a roof over their heads, food to eat, clothing to wear and schooling ~ UNTIL they are grown and able to fend for themselves. It seems your bio-dad was only willing to do the very minimum ~ if that.

Suggestion: stop trying to get this pig to sing. You're only frustrating yourself. You may irritate him to respond yet, you may not receive the response you want.

Love yourself and move on to being with people who will love and cherish you. A much more joy-filled way of living.

My mother (not even bio) never showed me much affection. I gave up trying to please her and get her affection when I was 16 and realized she was incapable of giving it. Although I called to talk and give her moral support throughout my adult years she died three months ago a veritable stranger. How she lived was her choice as how your bio-dad chooses to live is his. Try this ~ put yourself in his shoes. Would you want someone "forcing" (using this term loosely) to acknowledge you when you didn't feel to?

[Conscious Midwife]

Hey Revell and Sport,

Oh maybe I'm communicating the wrong message.

My last post was sarcasm,
because someone emailed me from this site wondering the outcome. So I just gave an update. During my family's visit to MD last month he was the one doing all the hugging and reminiscing.

I've definately moved on and all is good.

No Revell I didn't get the minimum obligatory support as a child either. My mother received $40 1x and a few disapproving phone calls. She hadn't spoke to my father since I was two. All communication was thru my paternal grandmother.

What I will embrace are the far and few between good memories I have of summer visits in NY and MD as a child.

That's the beauty of the brain I can choose to remember the good parts. :)


It's all good in the hood... I'm healthy, free and proud to be ME!!! Remeber it's really all about ME and ME is living AUTHENTICALLY.

PEACE

[Conscious Midwife]

Hmmm

Bump

[Conscious Midwife]

Had a conversation with bio dad, of emotuionally epic proportions, basically laying the ground work for a future where he has to choose to be "PRESENT" or not.

No more fake and shake pseudo relating.

It's either authentic or it's not at all!

[rawrawks]

awesome..good for you....you grew up a mile!!!

[margoss]

Good for you. If he wants to be in your life...he needs to remember 'he's the one that left, not you'. You can't come in/out of a person's life when it works for you. He needs to be in 100% or not. Doesn't mean daily calls but I would think at least once a week. Same with your kids..he's in or out. NO part-time gp. You didn't have a choice if he was in your life b4, now you do. You 'hold the cards'. Have to remember how he may respond & be prepared for it. Regardless, remember..you grew up without him, you have a family of your own that you've made without him. Peace to you for however it goes.

[Conscious Midwife]

Last emotional conversation of epic proportions was followed by a sad, bad and very telling letter from bio dad.

He thought that he was apologizing and clearing himself yet acknowledge that even at this late in the game he was attempting to manipulate the situation or at a minimum giving himself to much credit for a bad scene and lying in the process.

So by default he chose to opt out of my life!!! though he probably doesn't see it that way but I find that by putting him and his antics on ignore I can stay in a place of forgiveness and forgo future hurt and disappointment. So I've got a childhood meemory or three of all that was good and I've let the dozen other bad memories, longing for a daddy days and frustration behind.

I hope he continues to enjoy improved health, gains peace and finds hapiness!
THE END

[Revvell]

I hope he continues to enjoy improved health, gains peace and finds happiness!


I see that in your future as well. :) Correction: I see that in your presence. :)

[rawrawks]

WOW what freedom you have gained. Good for you.

I had an absent father (in sooo many ways) and, as an adult, I blame him for nothing, I seek nothing from him (he is an old man dying in a nursing home), and I am complete with him (inside myself). It is not out there, something he needs to DO or Be. It is in me. I can be at peace with it all by saying so. So I do. I am grateful for all he (his toughness) made me to be. He grew me in ways i would have never imagined by being such a poop.

Most have stories like this one. Life is not what happens to us its what we make of what happens. I made one beauty person out of it all. I am free and blessed he is not in my life or mind.