Really confused thoughts...

[HollyGolightly_86]

Hi.

I know I have posted like a zillion times here, and always about my problems..So, sorry for doing it again. :o

For the last couple of weeks I've been enchanted by the raw food "diet" again.. I've already had these "moments" a couple of times earlier. Only God knows how many times I've said to myself that from now on, I will eat only raw food. But I never seem to follow my saying. I always slip.

As some of you might know, I've had - and I suppose I still have - problems with my eating, ie. eating disorders. And, I'm not proud to say that I visit pro-eating disorder websites regularly.
I find myself fighting whether to "be" an eating disordered person, or a raw-foodist. Sounds kinda stupid and horrible. In some way, I am maybe not ready to give up my eating disorder, and that's awful.. I know.

I amaze myself.. because.. I know, how bad most of the modern food today is. Full of artificial ingredients etc. etc. And still.. I eat them - OK, I've limited my use, but still I consume for example Diet Pepsi, which really is one of the worst..
This behaviour is of course related to my eating disorder, because the less calories and fat, the better.. for most of people. Usually that just means tons of chemicals.
Now.. I just wonder why is it so difficult for me to devote myself completely to raw food? It would really be the best solution. I might even loose a bit weight, which I always seem to crave, and I wouldn't poison my body any longer.. Just.. I dunno.. .. I just completely amaze myself with all these ponderings.
I know what I should do, but I just don't DO IT.... :confused:

Ok, sorry if this was bit of a rant..

[DavidZaneMason]

-It is not difficult to devote yourself to a level of raw food that is right for YOU. Do not devote yourself to some other level or what some guru has to say. :)

-As they say in exercise......stretch from where you ARE comfortable....but don't pull or tear.

-Success and power to you.

-David Mason

[Lay-Lay]

I transitioned for nearly 3 years(was 100% raw about 4 1/2 months at the start with assistance of a class), then I dived in 100%. It think I would have been better off diving in 100% 3 years ago and stayed that way, but I eventually got there and that is what matters.

[dreamrawalwz]

Hi.

I know I have posted like a zillion times here, and always about my problems..So, sorry for doing it again. :o

For the last couple of weeks I've been enchanted by the raw food "diet" again.. I've already had these "moments" a couple of times earlier. Only God knows how many times I've said to myself that from now on, I will eat only raw food. But I never seem to follow my saying. I always slip.

As some of you might know, I've had - and I suppose I still have - problems with my eating, ie. eating disorders. And, I'm not proud to say that I visit pro-eating disorder websites regularly.
I find myself fighting whether to "be" an eating disordered person, or a raw-foodist. Sounds kinda stupid and horrible. In some way, I am maybe not ready to give up my eating disorder, and that's awful.. I know.

I amaze myself.. because.. I know, how bad most of the modern food today is. Full of artificial ingredients etc. etc. And still.. I eat them - OK, I've limited my use, but still I consume for example Diet Pepsi, which really is one of the worst..
This behaviour is of course related to my eating disorder, because the less calories and fat, the better.. for most of people. Usually that just means tons of chemicals.
Now.. I just wonder why is it so difficult for me to devote myself completely to raw food? It would really be the best solution. I might even loose a bit weight, which I always seem to crave, and I wouldn't poison my body any longer.. Just.. I dunno.. .. I just completely amaze myself with all these ponderings.
I know what I should do, but I just don't DO IT.... :confused:

Ok, sorry if this was bit of a rant..

I too suffered from an ED (still battling, but that's a different story).

I know how you feel. I too used to visit pro-ED sites and I'm ashamed of it. I know the thoughts are confusing. My family and friends thought going raw was another ED action and were unsure of it at first. I find, maybe it's just me, that those with ED's tend to be VERY hard on themselves and set our standards extremely high, perhaps impossible. If we don't reach these goals we tend to beat ourselves up through ED actions or otherwise. Try not to set your standards to "I have to be 100% right away and if I mess up I'm a complete failure." Start slow and work your way up. Try cutting out the junk food (i've read that those with ED's, mainly anorexia, only eat sugar and junk when they do eat). Raw foods will NOT make you fat if that is your fear. I know that fear is very hard to shake, but it is possible. As you begin to introduce healthier foods you'll feel better both physcially AND mentally. It'll slowly build and you can see food as nutrition, not calories (an invisible number) or something that will make you fat. If you ever want to talk more or if I can help in any way please feel free to email me.

[lissomllama]

First of all, you're not horrible, you're just struggling with something horrible and that isn't your fault. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I suffered with both ends of the eating disorder spectrum for many years and visited pro ana websites all the time. I too had to make a conscious decision on whether or not I wanted to continue being sick or become healthy forever and I am so glad that I made the latter decision because it simply isn't worth the pain and bodily harm to go the other way. Soon you will learn that no one thinks about your eating choices more than you do and you have to be responsible for yourself before anyone else. You know you need to go raw or you wouldn't be thinking about it all the time and posting here. At the very least you could go raw and stay thin by only eating fruits and veggies and you would still be doing a better thing than being an eating disordered person. Raw, vegan foods are the epitome of thine foods. Most people lose tons of weight on this diet after detox. When it all boils down to it, you're choosing life or death here. Life is in whatever version of raw foodism you choose and death is all that anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating can offer. In the end, there is nothing glamorous or awe worthy about these diseases. In the end, you've got no fun. Anorexia really does eventually cause brittle, dry hair and nails, colon cancer/atrophy, growth of thin white hair all over your body, creeky joints, Heart failure, slow metabolism and nervous system issues. Overeating causes obesity, heart conditions etc. I know you know these things but it really is all about making that choice to no longer be sick. There are so many more wonderful feelings out there: Joy, ecstacy, sensuality, wholeness, centeredness, vibrancy, beauty etc. And raw, vegan foods really do awaken these things in the body. You can tailor this lifestyle to your needs and lose or gain weight if you feel like it but it does take commitment. But if you are an anorexic or bulimic person, then you should have no trouble with that ;). I hope you choose to go 100% and live your life to its fullest because anything less truly isn't worth it. You owe your mind, body and spirit this courtesy. My advice is to stop visiting the pro ana sites and come here for inspiration and support as well. You will always have a healthy understanding of that sickness and the poor people who are ravaged by it but you don't need to lose your identity in it and I'm so glad that I didn't lose mine. Bless you and I hope you come out of this on the better end. Feel free to e-mail me anytime.

[fwebes]

I have been healing from my ED for the better part of 3 years. I am now 43, did a 12 step program for food, was maintaining a 115lb weight loss for about 2 yrs. Then had a relapse and could not get any abstinence back. Suddenly there weren't enough sugary desserts in the world to satisfy me. I picked up purging after my binges because I was afraid I'd gain the weight back. I did gain back up to 50lbs. I've since taken off 10. But what I realized is that it's not about the food. It's about you and your relationship with you. Food is how you cope with whatever. We get invested in our food problems. So unless there's something better for us, they will have to do for now. Look at it this way. Food is a surrogate for what you really want. So the question is, what do you really want? Do you really want (fill in your food choice here)? Or are you lacking confidence, esteem, love for yourself, acceptance of yourself, power, authenticity. Through hypnotherapy training and sessions, along with self help books, I have been heeling these old wounds that led me back to the food. It has been a struggle and I still want to binge sometimes, but then I remember that those foods were how I rewarded myself. Now I reward myself by treating my body like a temple and recognizing the beauty within myself and others. And that's the hard part. Putting the food down is easy. At 43 I am still 40 lbs overweight, but I am the most joyous I've ever been because I have been shown that there's nothing wrong with me. I am perfect the way I am in this moment cuz God, (higher power, source, Universem whatever your name for it, would not have it any other way).
We talk about blowing it or slipping up. That's BS, we didn't blow it. We made a choice in that moment. It's all about choices. So when faced with the choice of exercising your ED or doing something else, then just accept it.

Namaste, my friend. There's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect and beautiful the way you are, as are all of us. It has taken me a long time for me to admit that, and when you can accept it for yourself, food will lose its power.

by the way, I am not 100% raw yet as I still choose to drink diet soda, and have expensive salad dressing that I want to finish. Everything else is raw. because I like it. If I felt I have to do it to lose weight, it wouldn't last. I no longer have guilt about it. I will probably stop eventually, but for now, I'm ok with it. And if one night I eat what I consider healthy cooked food, like that which I lost my 115 lbs with, then that's ok too. If I binge on cookies, like I did last week, I'll have to look closely at that and find out what's going on. I make no forever commitments. I commit for today that this is how I eat.

OK, sorry for the ramble. I can go on all night about this stuff since I've been working so hard to heal it lately. It's not an overnight thing.

[honeybee joy]

Hey, this is a big change! It takes time. You are on the right path. When you fall down, just get back up and go. Don't get upset at yourself, it does no good. This is how the world eats. This is how we have eaten. You can never erase that memory, you just have to make new raw memories, and eventually the cooked memories will be a distant memory. ;)

[HollyGolightly_86]

Thank you all for your encouraging replies! :)

dreamrawalwz,

luckily, I'm not eating just junk food.. actually, I haven't eaten REAL junk food for ages; I don't eat pizza, burgers (meat, yuck) candy.. I do try to stay on the healthy side. My downfall has always been yoghurt.. and cookies and such, but I've solved the problem by just not buying them to my home :D

Just feels so stupid how "attached" I am to this ED. . and I've been worse! This spring I had my worst bulimia episode.. but I got over it.. but now again I've began to think how I'd be more nice if I had a smaller belly and thinner thighs.. deep down inside me I KNOW that if I start restricting I will end up binging and purging.

Eating disorder doesn't give me beatiful and strong hair of which I've been dreaming for half a year already.... It really doesn't give me anything, it just deprives me everything.

lissomllama & dreamrawalwz,

How do your families react to your raw foodism?
I don't live at home anylonger, which does give me a lot more freedom.. but I'd still be interested how your families and friends react to your lifestyle?

[Coriander74]

I'm also in recovery from my EDs as well. I also used to visit the pro-ED sites. Since going 100% almost 3 weeks ago, I have had none of my usual urges. It helps me personally to think and tell myself that the foods I'm eating are fueling my body, and it's Okay to eat them.

I wish you all the best, and if you need to talk, I'm here. I don't have the AIM anymore but you can always e-mail me.
Hugs.

[HollyGolightly_86]

Thanks to you too, Coriander74 :)

Did you go 100% right away? Or did you take things slowly?

[misslinda]

Wow, you're so beautifully intimate with us--that's what captured me about this thread.

Can I ask you,

What are you afraid will happen if you are NOT raw?

What do you think will happen if you continue raw?

What is your perception of health (in terms of physique) at this moment?



Myself, when I started raw 2 years ago, my mental/emotional struggles were intense which wasn't too long after I became a decent weight from struggling with anorexia/bulimia for 17 years. A part of me remembered and yearned to be that skeletal weight again yet using the RAW journey as a ticket of "healthy" means to disguise my [sick] behavior.

In the beginning with RAW, in the back of my mind, I was practicing raw but had this evil voice that performed calculations to find that best way to wilt away again..............but with raw, you endure the beauty of deep healing and find yourself feeling free for once. That unraveling WILL and DOES take place not matter how hard you try----as long as you keep up with raw.

Grant it, I spent so many nites crying,depressed,suicidal,obsessive,isolated and angry b/c I was confronted with the love/hate relationship with me and my body...............it wasn't easy.

I wonder, what sparked your ED?

:) Stay with us and heal. ;)

[lissomllama]

hollygolightly (love the name BTW), My family isn't as supportive as I had hoped but they are getting better each time they see me. Each time I visit, I look healthier and cleaner and they can tell. People who already know that I'm raw and know why, keep asking me what I've been doing and when I remind them that I'm raw, they go "OH, so it is doing what you wanted it to". My husband's family, howveer, has been supportive from the beginning. I actually have a better relationship with them on some levels and they are a much more open-minded bunch. My family has given me a lot of crap about my lifestyle choices (especially this one) but in the end, they always see that I do what I say and I'm always the better for it, so they've learned to back off. They are realizing how wonderful a raw food lifestyle is for me though. Soon, they'll be just as supportive as my husband and his family and that'll be great. They need their time to get used to things as well. Regardless though, I would never stop doing this just because they didn't like it. I would start by not mentioning anything at first if I were you and wait until they ask. When they do, just tell them the truth and have some well researched information printed out to give them. Tell them from the beginning that you are serious about this, it isn't a diet or an eating disorder. Eventually they will get the picture, and they might even surprise you right off. If they already know about your eating disorders, it may be more difficult but you can work through it and tell them that you're doing this partly to get over your eating disorder and they will start to understand.

I hear what you were saying about being "attached to your ED". It is a comfort to you, a way to control something in your life, but like fwebes said, you need to find out what you really want and need in life, because that is the real issue. You need to look inside and see what you aren't getting. Food or lack thereof, is just a thing to hide behind and raw breaks down all those walls. That is why it can be such a challenge, you have nothing to hide behind with raw. It is truth in its purest form. The food you eat will taste great, yes, but it is for fuel and life more than anything. I know you said that if you have to deprive yourself, you will turn back to your ED, but you can't think that way or you'll never get anywhere. You aren't depriving yourself, you're giving yourself what you truly need and not allowing toxins into your body. You said that you weren't eating unhealthy foods because you weren't eating pizza and hamburgers, but the truth is that anything cooked is bad for you simply because it is biologically inappropriate for the human body. A slice of toasted wheat bread or a cookie is in fact bad for you simply because it is cooked and contains things that humans would not naturally eat. Even if you just eat steamed veggies, you're eating a dead food that has had it's enzymes depleted and it's proteins converted into toxins and carcinogens. The sacrifices that must be made to be a raw foodist are so minor compared to the benefits you would experience.

[HollyGolightly_86]

misslinda,

I think it's kind of easy for me to be so intimate and sincere because, after all, I don't know you personally.. I do have some problems in expressing myself like to my friends and boyfriend... which is matter which should be fixed, because hiding your true feelings doesn't bring you anywhere... it just might make you more miserable.

What do I fear, if I'm not raw.. ?
Actually I don't fear anything.. I just.. really don't want to eat cooked food, 'cause I know how bad it is for your body.
If I can be 100% raw someday, I expect to be happier, cause then I don't have to worry about calories, I don't have to benumb my cravings.
I'm not sure.. whether I have a certain perception of health.. :S

My ED started maybe.. around 2000.. when I went to high school, I was about.. 16 or 17, and I really was a bit on the heavier side, just little below being overweight. Then I started to exercise, and limit my food intake.. and soon I found the pro-eating disorder websites and bang, I was in..

My mother, boyfriend and a couple of my friends know about my history with eating disorders...

[dreamrawalwz]

for me the bulimic tendencies and relapses happen only when I go back to cooked. Even my type of cooked (lean meats, steamed veggies, brown rice, ect.). I am still kind of attatched to my ED. To me it's a comfort. Something I've known for half my life. There's most likely somthing deeper then you're weight you could be using the ED for as a coping mechanism. If you don't have a therapist is there a way to get one so you can work through the emotional part?

As for my family...they didn't speak out about their concern, until after they saw improvements and that this is agood thing for me. They thought it was a "quick fix" and "diet scam" as a way for me to restrict my intake. It actually made me feel free. Cravings to binge and cravings to purge dissappeared immediately. I didn't want to starve myself and my body of this wonderful nutrition. It no longer felt like a chore to make myself eat. My parents are happy for me now and make sure I don't go back to cooked. I had to go 100% cold turkey because of food allergies. My body started reacting to EVERYTHING. Start with 50 and go up, unless you can do 95% and keep the diet soda, but slowly decrease it and add fresh juices (if you have a juicer).

Yes, as they said...it will be tough. Those walls you built up with your ED will get knocked down and you'll have to face the real issues. Thta's why you man need support and people you can go to when things get difficult to face.

[Coriander74]

Thanks to you too, Coriander74 :)

Did you go 100% right away? Or did you take things slowly?


I actually started slowly transitioning, cutting out dairy, sugar, etc... until I had just had it with eating raw during the day and giving into cravings at night, so the next day I threw it all out and went 100% raw, and never looked back :D

It does amazing things to your body and your mind, and spirit.

[ellenalesa]

May I call you Holly for short?

I have been struggling with my weight for probably 25 years. I am a recovering alcoholic (17 years now) and a former smoker. I have been so frustrated that I overcame all those other things and the food was such a problem. I have done Atkins, WW, OA, and tried TrimSpa but didn't feel comfortable taking it. I'd lose weight, be ok for awhile, get stress in my life, and turn to food. Pizza and ice cream were my favorites. I would have an uncontrollable appetite. I don't have insurance at the moment, so in order to get counseling I'd have to go thru all sorts of interviews and stuff to find a counselor on a sliding scale. I was too depressed to do it.

I have been transitioning to raw for about 3 weeks now. I'm about 80%, maybe more, and will eventually maintain 100%.

I feel so much better! I don't have to weigh and measure my food; I eat fruits and vegetables. This is the perfect time to be raw! The weight is coming off me (I am quite heavy) but that's not even the issue. I just feel like this is the way to eat. I enjoy it. My body is getting the nutrients I need.

When I first got sober, I decided to give it all I had. I figured I could always go back to my old ways if I wasn't happy sober. I have never looked back. I have the same attitude as raw. What I was doing before didn't get me good results, at all. I was miserable. At least this way, ,I'm happy.

I wish you all the best.

Ellen

[HollyGolightly_86]

I might be able to get some "help" when I go back to school this Autumn, after summer holiday.. I will think about that..

Luckily, I have always loved fruits and vegetables, so I eat them A LOT.. even before I had heard of the raw food diet I ate tons of apples, bananas and grapes etc. etc.
Actually, giving up diet soda is fairly easy.. I'm not that addicted to it.. and I haven't been drinking coffee in a couple of days.. which is odd, because a couple of weeks ago I drank coffee .. at least 3 cups a day.. even more. But when I consciously decided NOT to drink coffee I got horrible headaches and tired.. weird.. well, I'm not gonna touch that stuff again. :)

I was just searching for some easy and tasty raw recipes.. something very simple to start with. I mean, I do like just grabbing a fruit and making salad, but I think making something special and really trying things out might help me stay focused.
I already planned to go shopping tomorrow for seeds and nuts.. and maybe something else..

[HollyGolightly_86]

Awww.. I've gone back to cooked food again.. and restricting my food to around 1000 calories..
It's like.. I switch back and forth with this forum and a pro-ED forum.. :mad:
Why can't I just make up my mind? Why can't I understand that there's nothing glamourous having an eating disorder? I feel myself so dumb again.
No one is pressuring me.. Ok, I haven't told anyone that I try to eat raw, but I still get that .. external pressure.

I did have one day 100% raw this week, though.. I just really hated how bloated it made me feel.. I'm just so sensitive to my body's reactions..

[misslinda]

Awww.. I've gone back to cooked food again.. and restricting my food to around 1000 calories..
It's like.. I switch back and forth with this forum and a pro-ED forum.. :mad:
Why can't I just make up my mind? Why can't I understand that there's nothing glamourous having an eating disorder? I feel myself so dumb again.
No one is pressuring me.. Ok, I haven't told anyone that I try to eat raw, but I still get that .. external pressure.

I did have one day 100% raw this week, though.. I just really hated how bloated it made me feel.. I'm just so sensitive to my body's reactions..


Holly, I'm feeling for you right now. I know that feeling of going back and forth with the raw/ed thingy---as I use to when struggling with raw back when.

Can I ask what goes thru your mind when you are here and when you are there at the pro-ana sites?

Do you think that maybe your "all or nothing" approach is keeping you in this limbo behavior? You metioned you had a one day 100% raw..............

Why do you find yourself visiting the pro-ana/ed sites?

Why do you find yourself here?

Do you love/accept yourself? Can you love/accept yourself for who you are now regardless of your behaviors?

....I apologize if these questions are abrupt. Sometimes it helps to get questions/thoughts moving in your head to tackle that inner core of ourselves that get masked and pushed down with our ED rituals/behaviors--ya know what I mean?


see you again,
;)

[Graciebeliever]

Awww.. I've gone back to cooked food again.. and restricting my food to around 1000 calories..
It's like.. I switch back and forth with this forum and a pro-ED forum.. :mad:
Why can't I just make up my mind? Why can't I understand that there's nothing glamourous having an eating disorder? I feel myself so dumb again.
No one is pressuring me.. Ok, I haven't told anyone that I try to eat raw, but I still get that .. external pressure.

I did have one day 100% raw this week, though.. I just really hated how bloated it made me feel.. I'm just so sensitive to my body's reactions..

Holly :)

One day is not sufficent to make a choice on whether to eat raw or not!
Sounds to me like you want instant gratification with Raw and that is simply NOT going to happen.

Slow down, take a big deep breath and just clear your mind and think for a few minutes.

I am sure you know that what you put in your mouth makes a difference to you who you are and maybe you aren't sure who that is yet.

I don't think it was any accident that you chose your Name here and if anyone knows the movie, Holly is afraid to commit.

Are you afraid to commit to changing your eating lifestyle?

I started raw to lose weight and I found that it has dropped down on my list of importance and how I feel and the benefits I get are emotional as well as physical.

Listen to your heart Holly :) Follow it and do what you know is right.
You are going to have to make a commitment to raw if that is what you think is right. That means enduring how your body feels. You know you can be really good to yourself even if you feel umcomfortable.

It also sounds like you are trying to please everyone by what you eat. You simply can't do that either. There will always be people judging you on the things you do in your life. You need to figure out what you want and BELIEVE me that is not an easy thing to do!

I hope I haven't sounded judgemental because that is the last thing I want to do. I just want so much for you to find some peace and not feel the frenzy of going back and forth in your thinking and eating.

Start SLOW, go easy, one step then another.

Stay here and read and listen to peoples stories, questions and experiences. They, like you and me, are traveling a jouney of change in their lives. They have Fears, doubt, and questions but they do it anyway, or try to, because the have commited themselves to do it.

((hugs))

Be good to yourself .. You deserve it!

:) :D :) :D

[HollyGolightly_86]

I suppose.. I still want to be sickly thin... I'm afraid, that with raw food I won't be as thin as I'd like to be.. :(

I've lived with this ED for many years now, and I suppose it's kinda difficult to just.. give it up. I've so used to it, though I may not like it.
I find myself here, because I believe that modern food is not healthy for us... let's take fish for example; everyone say that fish has good fatty acids, but then again, for example the fish in the Finnish Gulf are somewhat contaminated, and the authorities recommend that one shouldn't eat them too often.. how stupid is that :rolleyes:

I think my problem might be that.. if I eat raw, it makes me different from everyone else. I might be a very contradictory person.. one day I might be all for the environmental and ecological things, the other all those vain things.. This is a bit hard to explain.. I really don't think I know who I am, or what I value, or who I want to be.
Every time I see a person who dresses or behaves so that I pay attention to it.. I feel like I want to be that person. It's like I had many different personas. One day I might dress myself like a punk the other like a lady.. And still I'm not satisfied.. I feel like I should.. fulfil some expectations.. those being my own..

I don't know what I value the most.. I have many things important to me...on one hand I'd like to be a vegan, use only environment-friendly products and "make the world a better place".. on the other I'd like to be a fashionable glam-girl.. Almost every day I ponder with these thoughts; I think what I should wear, who I should look alike, how to behave..

I feel like I have always been different.. like I can't blend in with the mass.. I know, I know.. everybody says that it's good to different.. but.. I don't know.. sometimes I'd like to blend in.. not to stand out.. I sometimes wish I could just disappear. Eating only raw would once again make me stand out..

OK, I hope this didn't go too much offtopic.. :o

I guess I'm also a bit of afraid to take the final step to being raw for good.. I'm afraid what might happen to me, for example when Autumn comes and my school continues.. Will I have enough money for everything?

Ok.. maybe this'll do for now.. :p

[daylene]

Holly,

Wow, you have so many questions and comments that I could respond to, but I think I'll stick mostly to the first one, because it really grabbed my attention. You say you want to be sickly thin, and that you don't think a raw diet would help you maintain that.

You are right, because of the word you used . . . sickly. There is no way you will every look "sickly" in any way on a raw food diet. You will glow from the inside out, you will look healthier than everyone else around you, and you will have a fresh and gorgeous vitality.

But as for your body size, which I think you are concerned about...don't you want to see YOUR BEST BODY? On a raw food diet your body will automatically adjust to whatever size and shape is your BEST. Without you having to stress about it. You won't have to worry about weight or cellulite or muscles or calories or fat grams or any of that stuff ever again. You will be free. And then you can dedicate all that obsession which you now give to your ED to a worthwhile cause, and find out what it means to truly live.

In your mind, you probably have an image of what you'd like to look like. Believe me, after you have been on a raw food diet for 6 months you will look better than that. Impossible, you say? Because there's nothing better than your mental image? Yes there is, and you can acheive it on RAW.

Look at Demi Moore. She's 40 and still hot and THIN as a model. That's RAW.

Girl, you are struggling and my heart goes out to you. If I could, I would fly to Finland and help you through this. But the strength is in you already. Every day on RAW you will find more of it. Live the life you were meant to live!

peace,
daylene

[HollyGolightly_86]

Thanks daylene.. for your really kind answer. And of course to all of you, who are supportin me. <3

[misslinda]

I suppose.. I still want to be sickly thin... I'm afraid, that with raw food I won't be as thin as I'd like to be.. :(

I think my problem might be that.. if I eat raw, it makes me different from everyone else. I might be a very contradictory person.. one day I might be all for the environmental and ecological things, the other all those vain things.. This is a bit hard to explain.. I really don't think I know who I am, or what I value, or who I want to be.

Every time I see a person who dresses or behaves so that I pay attention to it.. I feel like I want to be that person. It's like I had many different personas. One day I might dress myself like a punk the other like a lady.. And still I'm not satisfied.. I feel like I should.. fulfil some expectations.. those being my own..

I don't know what I value the most.. I have many things important to me...on one hand I'd like to be a vegan, use only environment-friendly products and "make the world a better place".. on the other I'd like to be a fashionable glam-girl.. Almost every day I ponder with these thoughts; I think what I should wear, who I should look alike, how to behave..

I feel like I have always been different.. like I can't blend in with the mass.. I know, I know.. everybody says that it's good to different.. but.. I don't know.. sometimes I'd like to blend in.. not to stand out.. I sometimes wish I could just disappear. Eating only raw would once again make me stand out..

OK, I hope this didn't go too much offtopic.. :o

I guess I'm also a bit of afraid to take the final step to being raw for good.. I'm afraid what might happen to me, for example when Autumn comes and my school continues.. Will I have enough money for everything? Ok.. maybe this'll do for now.. :p


Holly, you're so not going off topic. If anything I know alot of us are greatful and thankful for you to be so open and helping others channels some of their own battles that may be similar.

I reckon with Daylene and wanted to add emphasis to the bolded statements you made.

I remember being in therapy years ago and in group therapy that there is this divided voice inside that believes that there is a never ending battle to being "thin" We could never be satisfied.......as sufferers, we did not understand the definition of being healthy/thin. We [wanted] and set out to be grossly sick. We'd die for it.

Why do want to be (not just thin) BUT "sickly thin?" I ask that in that way b/c those are two different questions.......to want to be thin BUT to want to be sickly thin differs.

I believe that is one of the hallmarks of ED's especially with anorexia--being different means having accomplished something extraordinary. We get into this robotic/ritualistic mindset of self-induced punishments to prove to ourselves and those around us to FEEL/LOOK like we conquered. You're so right on that,,,,,,,we don't know who we really are.

Would you mind expanding on those bolded statements?

There's never going to be just ONE answer that helps us close the doors on our ED's..........seems like we unravel the doors to navigate towards the right direction..............they reveal themselves in all the areas of our lives: family,relationships,work,spirituality and FOOD too! ;)

[dreamrawalwz]

Warning: Not too positive, just wanted to write my experience

I didn't read all the comments above, but I wanted to add something. I too still want to be sickly thin. It's that "voice" in my head that NEVER seems to go away. It's there all the time, but the level can differ a lot, even with raw. For me I'd rather focus on this then the real problems and situations. Once these are worked through and I learn other coping mechanisms I'm sure I can get rid of the "voice" once and for all. To me now I'm always wanting to get to my lowest weight. I constantly compare my "healthy" body now to waht it USED to look like ya know, even if it was emaciated. To me I didn't seem "too thin" at all and was actually becoming comfortable in my body. I just hope we all can begin to feel comfortable in our bodies NOW. We need to learn to love our healthy strong bodies and I know we can! Ok, I'm rambling now, just wanted to kind of get that out there. I feel so much love and support from this board with this topic.

[misslinda]

oh no Dream,not rambling at all.............

yes,there is the secretive element of ED's that hinder us from digging to the heart of the matter. What made you turn away from going to pro-ana/ed sites more these days than before?

[dreamrawalwz]

oh no Dream,not rambling at all.............

yes,there is the secretive element of ED's that hinder us from digging to the heart of the matter. What made you turn away from going to pro-ana/ed sites more these days than before?

Was that a question for me? Well actually, I quit visiting pro-ed sites a while ago because I realized they were stupid. I engaged in my behaviors before those sites existed. I "knew" all the stuff and they were to just "teach" those looking to "catch ana" or become anorexic/bulimic. I used to go to the sites on livejournal for ED's, but dropped all of those a year ago. There are two I go to these days, one for adults (not supporting as in going into your disorder, but support as in "i know what you're going through?") and a recovery community.

[misslinda]

yes, it's quite sad that these days we have organized groups that dedicate their time and will to silently hurting themselves. IT just goes to show you how much desperation our society and varous ages of women/men that need help.

I remember 16 years ago when my ED first became flagged by my teachers and I felt so alone not having anyone to turn to......it was not all that common and virtually never heard of when we had health week. Two lovely ladies spoke to our class about their ED's and I recall the enitre class practically laughing and bickering about these "behaviors." All I remember was crying after class and repressing my feelings 16 years ago................

I'm glad you found some strength to want to battle it out of your life. Are you with family? How do your friends respond to you past ED? Current ED tapering? Your raw endeavors?

Finding our true selves is an open book and sometimes "writing" the story is not all that romantic. ;)

[dreamrawalwz]

yes, it's quite sad that these days we have organized groups that dedicate their time and will to silently hurting themselves. IT just goes to show you how much desperation our society and varous ages of women/men that need help.

I remember 16 years ago when my ED first became flagged by my teachers and I felt so alone not having anyone to turn to......it was not all that common and virtually never heard of when we had health week. Two lovely ladies spoke to our class about their ED's and I recall the enitre class practically laughing and bickering about these "behaviors." All I remember was crying after class and repressing my feelings 16 years ago................

I'm glad you found some strength to want to battle it out of your life. Are you with family? How do your friends respond to you past ED? Current ED tapering? Your raw endeavors?

Finding our true selves is an open book and sometimes "writing" the story is not all that romantic. ;)

It is very sad. My friends always made jokes of anorexia and bulimia in some way while I silently sat there outraged wanting to stick up for myself and others. So many out there are uneducated and don't understand...probably never will and I've learned that.

My family when I went raw thought it was another weight loss thing and "fad" but as they realized how good it was for me the more they backed off and make sure I don't fall off. I'd like to write more...could I email you? I think I may have asked you for your address once, but I don't remember!

[HollyGolightly_86]

misslinda,

I don't really know.. how to expand those thoughts.. it just seems like I haven't found the real ME... I mean.. people are devoted to different things... It seems I can't stay focused on just on thing, but instead on multiple things..


But you know.. if I start this raw foodism.. I'm afraid it'll label me as somekind of a wacko..
And.. I don't know whether I want to be one. I also think "Why do I have to be different? Why can't I just .. be "normal"? (whatever that means). But of course, no one is forcing me to do anything.

[madmel]

This thread just made me cry.

I have a secret too and that is bulimia. I have struggled with that for so many years, I often have it under control and am healthy and raw. But sometimes when I am depressed, frustrated, feel ugly and unloved and not worthy, I will still binge. And I will binge on the most terrible food just to purge afterwards. Then I will clean myself with lots of water (drinking that is) and then eat very healthy for a certain period of time.

I hate myself when I binge and I feel weak and like a real failure - but sometimes I cannot help it. I have overcome so many addictions: caffeine, cigarettes but food seems to have a special addictive quality. I don't know.

I am a perfectionist too and that doesn't make it any easier.

It might sound strange but I am grateful for this thread and for all these open and intimate statements. I feel understood and being amongst fellow "sufferers".

Thanks Holly, for opening up this thread and giving us all an opportunity to speak up and share emotions, experiences, thoughts and fears.

My biggest thing is: I want to be healthy, want to be slim and muscular and I know that my binges take health, beauty and stamina away from me. Still, sometimes I am like a junkie. And all this shame and self-hatred afterwards.

I am recovering slowly, very slowly but one day I will be fully okay, I know. I hope.

mel

[HollyGolightly_86]

I'm glad if you really find this thread useful and helpful.. didn't really know it had the effect.. But of course, these are really serious issues.


It feels like my head is torn into pieces.. two sides: one says, yes go ahead, starve yourself, eat only "light" foods and restrict your intake.. .. then the other one goes: no, don't treat yourself like this. Start eating only raw foods and things will turn up OK..



:confused:

[misslinda]

This thread just made me cry.

I have a secret too and that is bulimia. I have struggled with that for so many years, I often have it under control and am healthy and raw. But sometimes when I am depressed, frustrated, feel ugly and unloved and not worthy, I will still binge. And I will binge on the most terrible food just to purge afterwards. Then I will clean myself with lots of water (drinking that is) and then eat very healthy for a certain period of time.

I hate myself when I binge and I feel weak and like a real failure - but sometimes I cannot help it. I have overcome so many addictions: caffeine, cigarettes but food seems to have a special addictive quality. I don't know.

I am a perfectionist too and that doesn't make it any easier.

It might sound strange but I am grateful for this thread and for all these open and intimate statements. I feel understood and being amongst fellow "sufferers".

Thanks Holly, for opening up this thread and giving us all an opportunity to speak up and share emotions, experiences, thoughts and fears.

My biggest thing is: I want to be healthy, want to be slim and muscular and I know that my binges take health, beauty and stamina away from me. Still, sometimes I am like a junkie. And all this shame and self-hatred afterwards.

I am recovering slowly, very slowly but one day I will be fully okay, I know. I hope.

mel


Hey Mel, how have you been since this post? ;)

[madmel]

Misslinda,

thanks for asking!

I could lie and say well, but I will be honest - medium well, say 85% good, raw, well and 15% something else ;)

It's a constant struggle and, believe me or not, nobody besides this and another forum knows about my problem.

Thanks again,
melanie

[misslinda]

Do you mind sharing how your ed started ? do you find yourself in a constant pattern?

I know, Bulimia is such a secretive "dirty" lifestyle.........I discovered the "luxury" of bulimia when my anorexia matured. It's a double life and I hated every moment of acid taste in my mouth but I couldn't stop. I mean it got so bad that I would throw up in garbage bags in my room so my family would never know. I'm recalling--- seeing food wrappers and packages all over my bed and seeing the madness and craziness I created.............

isn't it such a lonely lonely feeling when you race to gorge and stuff yourself and it feels so loud............... and when it's over, you want to do it all over again b/c the loneliness is still there--ya know what I mean?

Do you live alone? Have you ever sought professional help?

[dreamrawalwz]

Do you mind sharing how your ed started ? do you find yourself in a constant pattern?

I know, Bulimia is such a secretive "dirty" lifestyle.........I discovered the "luxury" of bulimia when my anorexia matured. It's a double life and I hated every moment of acid taste in my mouth but I couldn't stop. I mean it got so bad that I would throw up in garbage bags in my room so my family would never know. I'm recalling--- seeing food wrappers and packages all over my bed and seeing the madness and craziness I created.............

isn't it such a lonely lonely feeling when you race to gorge and stuff yourself and it feels so loud............... and when it's over, you want to do it all over again b/c the loneliness is still there--ya know what I mean?

Do you live alone? Have you ever sought professional help?

Not sure who you're talking to here, but I'd like to chime in. Reading this is bringing back so many memories. It tears me up because you described me exactly. It is EXTREMELY lonely going to binge, then purge, but when it's over the loneliness comes right back. The bulimia won't stop it, but temporarily fill that void.

P.S. Misslinda - did you receive my second email?

[madmel]

Hi misslinda,

to be honest - I don't want to talk about it right now. I don't want and I cannot, I just have so many things going on in my life and I don't want to think about my ed to much.

But I will definitely answer your questions ;)

I live with my dh and cat, my dh is very busy and often gone - cat is here all the time *chuckles*

I know what triggers my bulimia: too much stress, too much pressure, frustration and disappointment. And yes, it's the same pattern.

You know what makes me sick: That I don't enjoy the food or its taste - the first bite is great and then I just stuff it all in b/c it doesn't make sense to binge and purge for one small bite, right? But I don't care for the food at all - sometimes when I am under pressure and I sort of think of all the supposedly good and delicious food, it's like heaven in my mind - but when I taste it, I am disappointed. Yet I can't help stuffing myself with it.

But with raw it has gotten a lot better - with raw I don't feel guilty and much more in tune with myself. Does that make sense?

I have had professional help some years ago, but here in asia I have no chance to get what I need, basically I believe (or hope) to be able to heal myself. It takes a lot though and my will isn't always strong enough. But it's getting better step by step, or micro-step by micro-step.

misslinda, don't get me wrong - I really do appreciate how much you care for me and I was touched that you checked back with me, the reason why I don't want to open up more is the pressure I have at the moment and I cannot take anymore pressure (meaning I put myself under pressure, not being under pressure by you - jeez, this is complicated).

In a nutshell: Thank you for taking care, that is something very precious to me!

melanie

[misslinda]

Not sure who you're talking to here, but I'd like to chime in. Reading this is bringing back so many memories. It tears me up because you described me exactly. It is EXTREMELY lonely going to binge, then purge, but when it's over the loneliness comes right back. The bulimia won't stop it, but temporarily fill that void.

P.S. Misslinda - did you receive my second email?

Dream!!!!!!!! LOL, I'm still composing that email --I jsut started it yesterday. I didn't realize how much more deeper level of emotioal healing there was until I started typiing it. I'll send it today. :)

Yeah, that's what [was] so hard about they cycle and it's not uncommon to binge/purge 50 times a day. I use to, want someone to shake me and catch me in the act so I could STOP for just a second and see it all cause in that b/p mode, there's not sense of rational or negotiating. That's probably what helped me with the anorexia---a former co woker literally grabbed me by both wrists "Why are you starving yourself???" She was loud and customers (I was working for a major department store this time) were staring. I remember leaving the floor and crying in a hidden room upstairs. That was probably the first time I ever was confronted......but nine years in to my illness. Dream, did your family ususally avoid the issue?


Mademel, I appreciate your honesty. I understand that you don't want to think about it. I just wanted to offer the comfort of knowing that you're health and "who you are" matters here. We will always be here for you :)

[dreamrawalwz]

Yes they did and still do. No one's confronted me actually and that's kinda, sad? I won't get into why on here, but maybe in the email.

[madmel]

Mademel, I appreciate your honesty. I understand that you don't want to think about it. I just wanted to offer the comfort of knowing that you're health and "who you are" matters here. We will always be here for you
Thanks for your understanding, misslinda! I know that you offer comfort and I am grateful for that. Just asking me how I am made me feel good, thank you.

melanie

[HollyGolightly_86]

Wel.. I haven't visited this board for a few days... I've begun to think that I'm OK with cooked food.. eat what you want, exercise.. everything in moderation.
And now. I came back here. And again I want to start eating raw. Can't I just make the decision? In someway I am a all-or-nothing person.. so, I think, if I can't eat 100 % raw, I shouldn't do it, and just continue eating like I do. I hate that.. If I eat maybe... at the lowest 50 % cooked and 50 % raw.. I don't feel any.. "special" or.. it's just not too radical.

I was thinking of going to the supermarket today.. and buying a lot of raw foods. Maybe I could do a small orange juice fast for starters.. it could give me a more.. purer and lighter feeling. Or, if it feels to rough, I could always eat just raw.

I think one of my problems is also that I kind of find raw boring.. I bought a blender this summer, of which I'm very proud. :) But.. I can't buy any of those .. high tech raw food equipment like.. dehydrator?.. I don't think they'd even sell those in Finland.
Can I manage with just a blender?
I have always been a lazy cook, so I'm not THAT much into cooking, but then again, raw food is great, 'cause you don't have to cook anything, you can just grab a fruit..