Emotional eating of Subway Veggie Wrap :-(

[Elizabeth]

Hi Everyone!!!

I am writing this almost as soon as I walked in the door because I do not want to chicken out. I was on my 6th day of 100% and had classes today. I had been feeling even more emotional than usual....and then something "happened" at school...and I started feeling down..or unsettled..and I went down and had a subway veggie wrap with muenster cheese, roasted and Raw veggies, mustard and Mayonaisse. I drank water with it. It was almost as if I had entered an alternate reality..where I thought it would not matter....

Anyway...I felt kind of bad..(but not horribly..because I knew it was an isolated event..but was upset that I had messed up my perfect 100% streak)and then had some meetings. I ended up talking with a professor of mine who was sent by her parents to a convent school in France..and was raised a devout Catholic. I was raised in a fundamentalist "Holiness" but not Pentecostal, Christian Church where women wore long dresses all the time, and wore no make-up...no jewelry, etc. We were supposed to make sure that we did not provide an "occasion to lust" to any of the men who saw us. So..we had to dress relatively plainly and very modestly. Anyway..I ended up talking about this belief with this woman..and she understood exactly what I meant...and how a person , a woman, could use weight as a way of keeping men, and sexual attention away from them...I think this happens a lot when women have been abused physically also.

I have noticed since I first gained weight when I was younger that when I would start to lose weight I would begin to feel very vulnerable...which is funny..because no one looking at me would think that this almost 6'2" woman felt vulnerable. But, I would. This past week...I have been sick with detoxing and started to lose weight quickly..I lost 8.5 lbs in 5 days... and I have noticed a return of that feeling. When I am at home I can deal with it...but when I am out it is more difficult.

I was thinking of all of this on my way home..and I just started crying...over all of the emotions.. the fear..the hope...the unfinished business from my past..just waiting for me to attend to it, undistracted by Cooked food...and junk. Then I started laughing because my big BINGE was a Veggie Wrap from Subway.

It was as if at that moment I knew that I was not going to let that sandwich set me on a downward spiral of "just one more"...whereas before I would have been struggling with the temptation...and to be honest, would have most likely given in and eaten something else cooked.

It was too mustardy anyway..LOL..I think I am beginning to prefer more subtle flavors.

I have been feeling weepy..and not even hungry..it was so clearly a case of emotional eating...it had nothing at all to do with my body "needing" anything that was in that sandwich!!! yet I could feel the "reactivation" so to speak of my cooked food taste buds.

I am even more committed to 100%..I think that anything less..at least at first, for me, will just serve to keep the appetite for cooked food alive.

So this is both a "confession" and a "testimony" ..... :-)

Best Wishes to you all....and it is so nice to know that you are all here.

[Sweet lips]

Hello Elizabeth,

What a wonderful testimony. As we journey, we never know what the twist and turns will bring, what piece of baggage will be abandoned, never to see again, what rainbow will come after the rain. I would say my tall friend ( I am 5"11 :) ), that you have received your rainbow and have left some baggage behind - be blessed and exicted about this opportunity that was afforded to you.

[catherinethegreat]

Thank you so much for sharing it - I got a little teary reading it.

I have noticed that when i get down to a weight that I really WANT to be - and have worked so hard to reach - that i will overeat and feel it's ok becasue I made it. But underneath that - I do believe that it's about feeling uncomfortable being thin....Not sure why yet. But I know that in the past - even though I compained of being overweight - I would LIKE the feeling of being full - very full - like stuft. I think it may be a way I soothe my discomfort in other areas of my life...I mean I know I use food for comfort - but I'm noticing the fullness being an issue too.

anyhow - I'm reading the 12 steps to Raw Foods by Victoria Boutenko and the 9th step is

I shall make a searching and fearless inventory of the real reasons of seeking comfort and pleasure from cooked foods.

When I read that I almost started to cry.

I've been sober for 17 years but have not dealt with the issues around food accept to acknowledge that there are issues there! lol.

so your post really touched me because of the seeking comfort in food. any food really - but mainly the food that you've chosen not to eat.

I've done that too since starting raw and this book is really so soothing in that area - around being gentle with this transistion and know how HUGE of a change it really is - not only in your kitchen but with our society - our culture - and our family and friends.

It was a total blow to my ego because I was doing so well and 100% raw too - then it just reminded me that this isn't a competition I'm having with everyone out there. No need to judge myself or anyone else.

It's just a choice in the moment.

Anyhow - thanks it brought up a lot for me.

*c

[Elizabeth]

Thanks Sweet lips..... my fellow tall Rawie :-)

that is a bit of baggage that I do not mind "losing." I wonder how many women gain weight because the subconsciously are not comfortable with overt male attention..or do not really feel comfortable rejecting people...maybe it is not so common as I had thought.

Blessings....

[Ireland]

Hi Elizabeth. I can really identify with how you're feeling in terms of feeling vulnurable when you lose weight. It's strange, because it's always flattering to have men look and appreciate how good I look (when I'm thinner) but on the other hand, I get really nervous and don't know how to handle it. Vulnurable is a perfect word for the feeling. And I hate it.

I've been heavy most of my life other than short spurts of comparitive thinness and I honestly can say that when I get to where my weight should be, I wonder how I'll be able to handle things.
My husband is very supportive of me in how I'm eating, but I often wonder how HE will handle the new me as well.

Some interesting things to consider...I'm glad you started this thread.

Thanks for putting into words what probably many of us are feeling.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Catherine,

Thanks for your reply...I am glad that my post touched you. I was not sure whether to post it..it feels so personal.

I have the Boutenko book..I think I will start re-reading it..a chapter a day. Thanks for the idea :-)


Blessings.....

[Elizabeth]

Hi Walkin' on Water!!

I think in general for me..and maybe for a lot of people it is scarey to just be your Absolute Best..and stand up and say (figuratively speaking..or literally if the Spirit moves you LOL) "HERE I AM!!!" and to ignore all the naysayers..or the people who try to own you with their leering and looks..Like... I hate it if you get all dressed up and are looking GOOD..and men who see you think that you must be somehow looking good FOR THEM..and not for yourself. Like the only way a woman can own her beauty is to keep it all wrapped up and hidden away... But I know that is not the answer...I am sure that as I continue to work through these issues I will feel grounded and safe even when I am smaller, and will be able to draw boundaries.

Once, about 5 years ago..when I was pretty thin..I was walking from a late rehearsal to the train station in Chicago..and some man slapped me on the butt as he passed..It was as if I was paralyzed. Then, after the shock wore off, I yelled after him..but he just walked away. I think I am going to learn Karate.. LOL

Seriously, I was thinking that a self-defense for women course might be a good thing to help me work through the feeling of vulnerability..and also to get me more in my body.

Anyway...I am rambling now.. :-)

Blessings....

[Melissa]

Hi Elizabeth and everyone,
I can completely relate to your experiences and feelings. Thought I'd add that some time ago I started a thread titled "Hiding your body?" under the Personal Growth section and it turned into an interesting discussion, related to this one. I wish I knew how to post the link here for you. My question was:

"Do any of you women out there feel that you've been "hiding out" in your heavier body, in terms of avoiding attention/sensuality/etc. ? I have 40 more pounds to lose, but even with 10 pounds off my shape has started to emerge and my body feels like it's coming alive. This is good (great ) but I also feel I have to look at why I hid in the first place. Don't know if this will ring any bells with anyone else...just thought I'd ask!"

I now have lost almost 20 pounds and am down a size and a half, so the issue is a very real one for me. It's not all fear of external attention either. Some of it is excitement/nervousness about discovering who I will be/can be when I look and feel sexier and more attractive, how that could change my self-concept and my life. Well, I hope to face my fears and find out ;)

I think you said it beautifully Sweetlips...These moments that force us to examine our "baggage" and lighten our load a bit are real gifts (even though they can feel confusing and upsetting while dealing with the issues.)

[Elizabeth]

Hi Melissa...and all of you other burgeoning Raw Food Beauties :-)

I totally get what you are talking about Melissa. If you find the other thread discussing this issue..you could copy the URL and paste it into a message on this thread??? Would that work?

:-)

[Melissa]

Elizabeth,
Hope this link works! ~ M.

http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=899

[sweetgoddess]

Beautiful thing-thank you for getting personal. I think that was a wonderful moment you had earlier today. Your body/mind/spirit detox emotions as well as toxins. I think it's a real achievement that you didnt stifle or deny your thoughts and feelings, but instead let yourself be aware of them, thought them through, wrote them down, shared them. How beautiful that you are watching yourself grow.
Hugs for you, and blessings of healing and continued growth~