View Full Version : Conflict at home?
01-20-2005, 01:44 AM
I'm interested in how many of you live with spouses, partners, family that are not raw, and perhaps, not even vegetarian? Do you cook for them? Do you get a lot of opposition to keeping raw?
My husband and I have travelled the path toward vegan for a few years. I am there, he is not, although most of his meals are vegan. With me upping the raw, he is starting to make noises like we can't enjoy our meals together anymore. Restaurant meals are harder to do (especially where we live). We used to really enjoy preparing meals together. I guess he thinks that we'll lose that time together. (We used to play a game wherein I was the Diva Chef and he was the nervous "kitchen boy" desperate to make everything perfect before I blew my top. "You call that DICED???!!!!!!!" :D )
Anyone with similar situations at home?
01-20-2005, 05:32 AM
I have only been Vegan for a few weeks, and Raw this week, but my husband and I have never enjoyed the same foods. Cooking together is always "our" time as well. I make "my" meal, which will be his "sides", and he either grills his main or I will make something for him on the side. I have to follow recipes closely for his meal, or rely on memory for old stuff because the smell turns my stomach now. He is italian, so when we have home made pasta, I will just use the spiral zucchini or some other veggie. (we haven't tried this yet, but it will work for us) I also want to try Alissa's Raw Ravioli. :rolleyes:
If he is the "chef" for the day, he goes to "my" cabinet to puruse "my" recipe books to choose a meal to make for me. He can add ingredients from "my" cabinet to suit his taste. He really enjoys doing this, and is always surprised that he likes "my" food. He is a hard-core carnivore, and I wouldn't dream of trying to change him - he already gave up cigarettes for me. :eek:
Anyway, the family always gives me a hard time, but DH doesn't. I haven't tried this raw thing at his family's house. However, we don't go there but a couple of times a year...I am a bit strong willed, so their pressure doesn't really bother me too much. I keep trying to convert them ;)
Hope this helps some....
01-20-2005, 09:09 AM
I cook for my husband-he is not vegetarian. But changes have come slowly. Be patient with your hubby, and explain to him how happy you are to be doing what your doing. Share your excitement then kiss him or hug him and say "thanks for supporting me in this, I feel so loved." You'd be amazed at how that makes a man feel.
I never preached at my husband, but I did replace his food staples with organic to begin with, always kept sharing with him the exciting things I was experiencing. Eventually one day I asked what I could get for him and he wanted my salad..lol Now I have begun plunking down a plate of cutup fruit in front of him. If he eats it great, if not I will later.
But at first he made comments about the weird food in the house-now he's eating some of it. So be patient. The best way to smooth such things over is by the continued example you will be giving just by living--and the inevitable health benefits.
Oh, also, I make sure we still eat a meal together everyday, light candles etc to keep it special and keep us connected in that way.
01-20-2005, 09:15 AM
There's 5 of us at home. I'm vegan, soon going 100% raw, my 17 year old son is vegetarian and fairly interested in his health, my 15 year old daughter, 12 year old son and husband are all meat eaters and don't really care. However, they do support me in what I do which is a big plus.
Yes, it's difficult to prepare meals sometimes. I think the biggest factor in them even possibly going vegetarian (maybe vegan) in the future will be the changes they see in me. I have to practice what I preach or I'll never make converts.
01-20-2005, 10:43 AM
if I'm eating with twin sister or my friends, ..............they still indulge in fast food thing or cooked foods--- it used to an issue where'd we argue............i try to explain to them that our time should not have to be based on food and if i eat something different or don't eat at all, that's not going to change me as a person or the type of company I am. their cool with in now.
01-20-2005, 10:45 AM
My husband and I have never cooked together in the first place! He cooks his own meals (late at night). I cook and serve vegan to my 3 kids and I eat a raw meal while they eat my cooked food. DH will sit down with us at the table, but not eat till later. I have incorporated much more raw food into my children's diets also. The salad that we all eat is completely raw (versus bottled dressing), and I serve them chopped up fruits/vegetables in the salad. They also have at least 3 fresh fruits in their lunch with a vegan sandwich.
01-20-2005, 12:20 PM
Well, me going raw has definitely changed mealtimes around my house. Both my partner and I were vegan already before I went raw, but we either cooked together or I did a lot (not all though) of the cooking. Food is something we always bonded over. I now prepare my own meals and she hers. At first my sweetie got grumpy about it occasionally, but it's become more or less the norm now. And usually, I end up sharing my food with her! So I see it as a win-win. I get to make my own meals and my sweetie gets to eat more raw.
01-20-2005, 12:41 PM
My boyfriend and I used to enjoy going out to eat all the time. Actually he enjoyed it and I smiled a lot but felt horrible because I was eating foods that my body didn't deal well with ( grumble grumble ) so although we enjoyed trying new restaurants all the time - his taste in foods has always been - pasta - breads - meats - coca cola - PIZZA - hamburger with bluecheese and bacon - eggs benedict - pancakes - etc....
I never ate like that accept when Iwas in Highschool and a little in college so it was foreign to me and a bit backwards to be eating like that. But he was courting me and I thought it was sweet of him to take me out - and I didn't know how to telll him that I wanted to eat differently - becasue I thought it would mean I was high mantenance.
Isn't that sad ! That I would put my body threw all of that so as not to be seen a certain way?
Now I don't care !!! But he still eats the same - he loves grilling steak!
Luckily I eat at 7-7:30pm and he doesn't get home from work until 10 - 10:30pm so I eat what I want - and make enough for him - and when he gets home he has choices for himself that include all his usual suspects - plus the extra bonus of raw on the side or as his main meal. He loves the variety of raw I've been making but he is addicted to his food - and I mean - he gets headaches without his cola and he craves certain foods. Luckily I've weened him off of fast food. He used to being it home at 10:30 and I'd eat it with him even though I had already eaten dinner.
so for now - it's working out - although going OUT to eat is a different story as I am not certain yet - where I can go to get a good interesting raw meal that isn't a long drive from where I live in LA. and when we are hungry - the last thing either of us wants to do is drive across LA to find that raw restaurant - but I might just HAVE to.
01-20-2005, 02:04 PM
I am the only raw person (and vegetarian). I raised my daughter veg for most of her life. Then she grew up and went to school were the school and her friends all eat meat and junk food. Her dad also eats a large amount of meat so she was exposed to it over at his house as well.
Then I got married to my hubby and he is 100% meat. No desires to go veg whatso ever. My son also prefers the meats althought I try to encourage the fruits and veggies. However, he is my little apple boy. Eats several a day.
Anyway, since I am the only one eating this way, I cook the meals for my family then make mine separate. They are all welcome to try mine though of course. And as with most kids, they always want to eat mommy's food. hehe
My family and extended family (parents and in-laws) are very supportive of my eating choices. But is also helps that a neurologist has recommended this way of eating to me and that I am fighting many illnesses one of which may or could be life threatening. My hubby actually will discourage me from eating potato chips (which are always around the house) ect. when I get cravings.
The other day they wanted to go to McDonalds. So my hubby came up with the idea of taking me to my favorite nutburger place, get it to go, and then take the rest of them to McD's. That way we all got our burgers. win-win hehe.
It does take a lot of work to prepare two meals each night, but the benefits outweight the inconvenience. But it helps 100% that my family is supporting me.
01-20-2005, 02:24 PM
Since becoming a raw vegan, I have had to make separate meals each evening. Both hubby and son are carnivores! :) It's not really a conflict as much as it's just a pain in the butt for me. Since I no longer have any desire for cooked food, it's rather difficult for me to grocery shop or cook because I don't know what to make. It was hard enough deciding what to make when I was on the SAD, but now it's a real challenge.
Hubby will try my food and usually turn up his nose and say, "Sorry, but I need real food." and then I tell him it IS real food. Anyway, I have to threaten my son to try one bite. He used to try anything, but now that he's almost 15 he's gotten weird on me.
Some days - not too often - I just tell them they're on their own for dinner. :cool: LOL. Then they usually just have a salad ... and then they're eating raw!!! LOL.
I'm the only raw, my family. I share as much of my recipes as I can, kids love the ice creams, chocolate slices, or truffles, tarts. That's been my angle to draw them in, and make this food seem attractive to them.
As part of their dinners if I'm preparing a vegetable lasanga, i'll put half ingredients in a seperate dish sprinkle a little cheese on top and put in the oven for 10 minutes for the kids plate. I have 2 boys that are endlessley hungry so I still put wholemeal bread in the breadmaker daily, it helps to fill them.
They are teenagers, so I don't have high expectations, my daughter has made herself a few raw soups and enjoyed them. Her first job is in a fruit n vegetable shop. I can't ask for too much more for now.
01-22-2005, 05:50 PM
This is a great thread! Its so inspiring to read how so many people live in harmony with their family members who eat differently than they do.
When I first went raw, Matt still ate cooked, but was very supportive. When I first told him I was going all raw, he was worried since we wouldn't eat out at restaurants much anymore. But when he saw how much better I felt and how much more energy I had, he encouraged me to stay raw, even though he wasn't raw himself. He would, however, eat raw food that sometimes I would make, and sometimes we would make together. He even suggested last year that we make a raw meal together for valentines day instead of going out to eat! We made Alissa's pesto stuffed mushrooms, ravioli, date nut torte, and salad. Really, I couldn't have asked for more support.
And, on the flipside, I knew not to pressure him to eat raw. He enjoyed it enough, but still ate cooked. Eventually, he came around by himself, and he's been all raw since we moved to Chicago about 7 months ago.
So now neither of us eats cooked in the house, which is nice, and I hope I don't take it for granted too much!
Its really great to read how all of you eat/cook in harmony with "mixed families". I'm glad everyone was able to share.
01-22-2005, 06:30 PM
I really appreciate everyone's stories. I guess our lifestyle may change a bit, but I'm lucky husband loves veggies (although he isn't a big fruit eater). Luckily too, he is satisfied with a bowl of rice and veggies, so it's not like I'll have to cook this huge meal every night just for him. He told me tonight in fact that he appreciates eating more and more veggies since he felt he was getting off track and eating more meat than he did when we first were married (his choice, not that I made him more meat).
On Friday we went to Ryan's Steakhouse, which is one of his favorite places, but was a bit of a challege to me. I wasn't tempted by the meat or cooked food, but by the cakes and dessert buffet. However, I stuck to only salad, no dressing (I had 2 large plates of raw veggies-they were very fresh and YUM). Hubby said he would take me to the Natural Gourmet and see if we couldn't get a treat there for dessert. (I'm going to post about this experience in another thread. :( )
So I guess it will just be trial and error, and compromise. I'm glad to see that it *can* be done with a little more effort and understanding. And as Olive posted <<And usually, I end up sharing my food with her! So I see it as a win-win.>> I hope that seeing my good example will sway my hubby further into being a total vegan, and at least a little more raw!
01-22-2005, 06:32 PM
How on earth can you have teenagers when you only look 18 yourself? Goodness, you're lucky!
01-22-2005, 07:19 PM
Cooking for my family is probably the biggest challenge I face when eating raw. I am still at a time when the food smells good and is tempting. Sometimes my family pokes fun at me and makes comments, but I just try to keep smiling and eating my yummy raw goods, knowing all along how healthy I will be in the long run. My family is not even vegetarian. But I now add lots of fresh fruits and veggies to the meal--and they are eating more of that now. It is definitely a BIG challenge!!
01-22-2005, 10:06 PM
My husband is not raw, although he does consume a lot of smoothies, and will usually try out any new dishes I make. He loves the onion bread wrap sandwiches, and the sushi made with the nut pates. I think for him it is the hankering for "meaty-cheesy-greasy" tastes (those are his joking words) that make the nut pates and avocado taste so good. He also loves spinach salads.
I find it difficult to cook for him, in that I was never much of a good cook even if I did taste it along the way to gauge seasoning. Since I am not eating what he eats, it is difficult when I am stiring something, to not just dip in to make sure I put in enough flavor or whatever. The nice thing about eating raw foods, is that I don't have to "cook" it. That was never my strong point. I spent so many years doing the anti-candida diet, and "mild foods" cleansing diets, that bland food tastes fine to me. I love the natural flavor of veggies and so it is hard for me to "season" right for others.
Now that I have graduated to trying more gourmet raw recipies, I have managed to get my husband more into this way of life. He has looked on for quite a while, and been really a positive supporter, even though he isn't raw himself. He let me make an all raw dinner today. The raw pasta was a hit tonight. I can't believe I went through almost 2 years raw without having a spiral slicer! This implement is the best!
Cassy. :) :) :)
01-23-2005, 07:20 AM
Great thread! This is probably the reason I am not 100% raw. I have 10 month old twins and my husband to feed. And I was brought up in a family where we all sit down and eat dinner together...the same dinner. My husband loves vegetarian meals (though he does get a non-vegetarian meal once a week from me) and my twins eat whatever I give them (great appetites).
Anyway, it's hard for ME to be the different one...an issue I'm dealing with! If I can get over this hurdle then I'd be 100% raw and loving it!
Fortunately my husband is supportive as well as my friends, my problem is extended family! I wish I had a doctor to approve this way (though non have discouraged it).
01-26-2005, 04:45 AM
This has been a great thread - I haven't got much to add except to say I can see there's still a journey ahead, but an achieveable one...thanks for the inspiration!
How on earth can you have teenagers when you only look 18 yourself? Goodness, you're lucky
dying my hair brown actually made me look older :rolleyes: . I owe it to raw food, even though I've lived most of my life around 80-90 % until 5 day's ago.
01-26-2005, 05:03 AM
my problem is extended family! I wish I had a doctor to approve this way (though non have discouraged it).
Well Debbie - if that's what it will take to calm down the extended family - can't you just *say* a doctor recommended it? (Or will they need to see it in writing...lol!)
I was a vegetarian for 6 years before I went back to eating meat. Been two years and now for the past 3 weeks, I've been eating about 90% raw. It was really not quite as difficult for me as I've always eaten lots of raw fruits and veggies. My husband has never given me a hard time about the food choices I've made. I do cook meat and veggies for him every evening. I'm fortunate enough that he really enjoys all veggies and fruits. So, every night, he gets is meat and some cooked veg. We always have some type of veggie salad and fruit salad, and he always takes generous portions of these foods. He even likes the salad dressings I've made with cold pressed oils and UDO oil and raw cider vinegar. Even though I have 'regular' salad dressing for him, he chooses my salad dressing. He even enjoys the dehydrated fruit and loves the raw cashews and brazil nuts (germinated, of course). DH wasn't do impressed with my smoothies though, thinks they're too thick. He also like the Ekziel sprouted bread that I eat with raw almond butter. I've got him part way on the path and no complaints. I know he could never be completely raw. His favorite lunch everyday is at IHOP. Need I say more. Although, he does order the 'big' salad a lot. Yes, I do get tired of making a 'cooked' dinner every evening, but if I didn't, he'd eat out all the time. I really couldn't live with myself if that were do happen. And yes, eating out is kinda difficult. I just usually order a really big salad and leave it at that. Most of my friends have known that I don't eat junk food etc., so, they really haven't a clue to the change I've made. They see me eating nuts and raisins for snacks, and fruit for breakfast and salad and veggies fixins' for lunch and don't even question it. That's what I've always eaten for years. Just now, I try and keep it all raw.
So, I guess I don't really have a conflict at home, only with myself :) :D
Life's a journey, enjoy the raw ride!!!!
01-26-2005, 10:02 AM
My husband and I cook seperate meals all the time, but we cook them together. We're in the same kitchen, talking and sharing time together, possibly helping out with each other's meals if one of us is finished first. It's really no different than going to a restaurant. You don't eat the same thing, (usually) when you go to a restaurant. Also, I don't make meat dishes for him. There are plenty of vegetarian things that he loves, and if I want to do something nice for him and cook him dinner, it's going to be vegetarian. I'm morally opposed to the killing of animals, and he understands that and wouldn't ask me to cook them for him. Then again, that's how our relationship has always been, so I suppose it's easy. It might be harder if I cooked and ate meat when the relationship started, and then changed my diet part-way through...
Anyway, good thread.
03-27-2005, 04:08 PM
I'm gonna have some real issues with hubby's attitude toward my wanting to go 100%. We discussed it briefly this afternoon.
His major objections were: "You're not going to eat ANYthing normal (i.e. cooked foods) anymore? No steak, no burgers, nothing at all like that?" Also, "So, we aren't going to eat dinner together at ALL then?" Dinner together equates in his mind to our eating the same things, even though we rarely do that when we eat in restaurants. He added that he thinks that the reason why I had trouble digesting the pizza I ate last night was that I'm eating too much "weird" stuff. Ummm...the reason why is that I don't think I can tolerate either wheat OR dairy! I've felt sooooo much better when I avoided both during the last several weeks of mostly raw.
He's a Libran who really enjoys trying different cuisines and sharing bits of what he's eating with me, so this could be a major problem, particularly as he seems far more concerned than I ever imagined he'd be about how "abnormal" raw eating is.
What's really going to weigh against my suggesting he try some of what I'm eating is that he takes a powerful anti-inflammatory med that gives him major diarrhea if he eats too many raw veggies. He seems to do better on cooked ones, and as he walks with difficulty, diarrhea is NOT something I care for him to risk. Eating raw will probably never be something he can do to any extent.
I really feel I need to do this for better health, and that may be weighing on his mind, too. I used to slog around feeling miserable most of the time from allergies, and now that I'm not doing that anymore, we won't even share feeling lousy.
I'm feeling pretty anxious about going 100% now, far more so than I did...Heeeeeellllllp!
03-27-2005, 04:37 PM
..as Bo is not vegetarian yet, in our home, most of what we eat is raw. He will occasionally bring home some bread or cheese (last time was soy) and I know (I've seen the receipts) that when he's out without me he'll enjoy a cup of coffee occasionally. He does love our local veggie restaurants although when we go there, it's totally cooked except for ~ possibly ~ a salad.
Last night we went to visit some Danes and they served chicken, bread, etc. He ate that. I had the watermelon with mint. I was sooooo hungry! So! When we came home he made me a fresh green smoothie. :)
I'm 12 years older than he soooo, if I wish to maintain, I need to keep on keeping on. I'm truly lucky he supports me so well. I wish y'all could have that also.
Oh! He was looking online at SOMEthing ~ then asked me if we had any medjool dates. Going to be interesting to see what he has in mind. He's out grocery shopping now.
Take care all and thank you for sharing your lives here.
03-27-2005, 06:04 PM
I can certainly relate to the age difference and desire to maintain, Revvell, as I'm 18 years older than he and have some major health problems I'm hoping will heal as a result of going entirely raw.
It just amazes me how much better I feel today after the pizza indulgence last night. Just a day's worth of juices, water and the young coconut with milk, and I'm feeling pretty good again. Not great...not after 2 slices of three-cheese pizza last night. (Well, it DID have tomatoes, spinach and mushrooms on it! As if that's better... :o )
We shall see how it goes, as I am just plain determined to try the Challenge. I felt so fantastic having gone the last few days entirely raw up until the pizza debacle that I am just sooooo eager to see how I'd feel at 100% for a longer time.
03-27-2005, 06:09 PM
Dot, change threatens people. A LOT !! The only thing I know of that you can do to ease his mind is to let him know you dont expect him to change, that you will still eat dinner together, only you will be eating your raw food. Let him know this is very important to you and you appreciate his love and support. Tell him it is wonderful toknow your husband supports anything that is important to you, and tell him often. ( this will do wonders..even if it isnt true yet-he will most likely live up to it)
After that...the proof is in the pudding so to speak. Everything else he will begin to see!
We will support you here as well, all that we can.
My very best wishes.
03-27-2005, 11:09 PM
My honey is vegetarian and before the 1st of the year when I went (mostly) raw I did all the cooking. A few weeks ago we had a huge fight because she never gets any of her favorite foods anymore. The only thing to eat in the house is fruit and veggies. Darn me for wanting to actually eat *good* food and keep it in the house. After we both calmed down and talked about it I found out that she was mad because I was being too self absorbed and totally fixated on what I wanted without really listening to her and what she wanted and she wasn't telling me either just let it build up to the yelling, sleeping on the couch point. So after we talked about it, I started buying her some things just for her and she now cooks for herself while I prepare my meals and we can eat together with some semblance of normalcy. She even decided to do the master cleanse with me last week. She was doing great but I couldn't stick with it. So this weekend it was back to cooked food for me (what is it with bingeing on cooked when falling off the raw wagon??) and it was her idea to start Monday with a short juice fast to get back on track and shes even willing to eat more veggies, although lightly steamed and not raw.
04-04-2005, 03:16 AM
I swear, I'm about to! Yesterday, he calls me over to the computer to ask my opinion of more than one recipe on Food Channel's website. They were, of course, all cooked stuff which really sounded gross to me. I managed to "think cooked" and to comment appropriately. And then I got, "Doesn't that sound good? Don't you think you'd like that?" My immediate thought was, "Not only no, but hell no!" but I was nice about it and just said that I truly wish he wouldn't do that as it's really difficult for me when he implies that of course I'll fix this recipe and eat it along with him. He apologized, but I don't think he meant it all that much.
This is driving me nuts. I swear it's that sharing foods was such a significant part of our couple stuff that he's feeling really abandoned now that I'm not eating what he eats. I've offered him something I'm eating that I'm pretty sure he'd like, but he won't even try it. I think he resents, too, that I'm racing around the house doing stuff on weekends now whereas I used to just sit around feeling lousy and exhausted like he does. I guess we're going to have to have yet another discussion about how this is like if I'd found out I was really allergic to various foods and had to fix food separately for us so he can enjoy foods he can eat.
As that old vulture cartoon says, "Patience, hell! I'm gonna kill something." Can I just do that???????
04-05-2005, 04:51 AM
Hi, I see this post wast started with one question, but has lead into some others.
the first question, I am 100% raw vegan, my hubby eats meat, dairy, fast food, smokes, drinks, etc.
We eat together and get along fine.
I un-cook my food, and he helps me prepare it, because he is always interested in what I will be eating today, and he moved all of the cooking equipment out to the garage, and makes his own food out there, or cooks on the outdoor grill.
This is how it works, we both start to prepare my food, then I either put it in the deydrator, and he goes out to fix his, while mine is warming, or we plan on a time to eat, and we make mine first, then he goes and makes his. So far this is working beautifully.
Now, for the other situation. I have a few things to say about people who try to sabotage anyone. They are insecure, in their own choices, or else they would not feel threatened.
I have one friend, bless his heart, we met and I was vegetarian, so when he invited us over, he made sure he had boca burgers for me, then I quit eating wheat, so he made sure he made things with oat flower, then I went vegan, so he made things without any dairy, then I went raw, and he emailed me that he didn't know how to prepare anything raw, and he felt slightly intimidated because he knew in his heart that I was eating the way he should be eating.
I sent him an email telling him how much I appreciated him and his honesty, and told him that I loved salads and all fruits, so it would be so easy to "cook" for me now.
He replied that, that helped him alot, because he enjoys my company, and wants to honor my choices, but had no idea how to be respectful to my choices, since he didn't know anything about eating raw food.
When we do things that people are unfamiliar with, they usually have two distinct ways of handling them, they are either okay with our choices, because they are evolved and centered in their own lives, and have no vested interest in what we choose as our life path, or they feel uncomfortable because they have either little self esteem, and are looking for validation from us that their choices are OK.
Much like the alcoholic that says you are now no fun, because you won't drink with them any more.
Well, trust me you ARE FUN, you just won't behave the way you used to.
I finally decided that my life was my own, and if people didn't support my magnificense, then they could just go away and be happy or miserable by themselves, without me.
This is a hard one for people especially if they are dealing with loved ones, but if I were an alcoholic, or a diabetic, or a cooked food addict and my friends and family would not support me, then I must take care of myself, and remove them (bodily) from my life, if only to keep myself healthy.
Boundary choices are easy, enforcing them is the challenge.
And don't buy into, the old--they know not what they do-- scenario, trust me, theycertainly do know what they are doing, misery loves company, and cooked food eaters can be pretty miserable.
I thank God/dess every day of my life, that I am centered enough in my choices, to allow my lover to eat whatever he wants, and he is centered enough in his choices to allow me to eat whatever I want.
We don't try to change each other, or think each other is wrong or bad, so there is no judgment, hense, no guilt, no anger,no control, only love and total acceptance on both parts.
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