Why did I do this to myself!??

[Lunar*Fey]

yesterday I blended up some wheat berries with bananas and fruit and stirred some dried fruit in and then I figured I'd make some sort of bread thing out of it in the dehydrator. I think it got too hot even though the temp of the dehydrator was like 95 o 100 or something like that so I think it got cooked. But I tried a little bit, and it was still all mushy like and tasted like vomit! I'm not kidding. I left it in there a day and night, which was probably too long to leave something in there? idk. But it taste like VOMIT. But you know what I did? I took another spoonful, and just kept eating it. Downing it. What is wrong with me? Now I feel really sick. WHY DID I DO THAT? I knew it was probably cooked, it tasted HORRIBLE, and yet I just kept eating it and eating it. Now my stomach feels so heavy and I feel a bit foggy and sick. Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better? I drank some water and for some reason I ate an orange and a piece of celery. I just can't believe I did that. I told my mom and she just said, "god it's no big deal bristoL! We've all done that before."

Sorry, I just needed to tell someone who might know what's going on with me...why would I do that to myself? And it's not really the first time either. Also, anything I can do to feel better? I can't not eat...my next doctors appointment is tomorrow.

[aromaticwings]

Don't fear... I have tried wheat berries seems every which way and still can not seem to find anything that tastes goo made with them... Why did you continue to eat it when it tasted terrible? Well, maybe you were telling yourself.. it is an accquired taste.... so you kept eating.. now you know it is not for you so throw it out and move on... Chock it up to experience!
Hope you feel better soon!

[misslinda]

HMmmmm, Lunar......temp at 95-100 is not cooked :confused:

Bananas are one of those that smells a little strange when dehydrating but vomit? How did you prepeare your recipe? followed a book?

I'm sorry you had mye laughing when you said it smelled like Vomit and ate it!!!!!!!!!! ;) You AMAZE me sometimes.

Really, I don't think it was cooked. You're gonna be fine but why do you think you kept eating it? We're you already frustrated it didn't smell right and then possibly cooked?

[Elouet]

First, thank you SO much for your comment on my post! It made me feel so much better! About the eating and eating, I've done the same myself, and I think it's self-preservation. Somewhere in the back of your mind your body knows you're supposed to gain weight, and so sometimes it makes you eat when you don't think you want to. Also, even if the food tasted awful, it had nutrients packed into it maybe even a specific nutrient your body was craving. I think that two things will stop the over-eating 1) gaining more weight (I know you already have gained some, but your body probably has farther to go) and 2) adjusting to raw, you havn't been raw for very long and your body needs to readjust and learn what it needs now. I hope you feel better!
P.S. oranges and celery are very cleansing, so that was a good idea!

[Lunar*Fey]

AromaticWings,
Alissa's toaster tarts are made with wheat berries and they weren't bad. For some reason I really like just eating the food in its whole state. I don't know why but I've leaned towards that since the beginning. I think its fun making stuff and experimenting, so I think that's the only reason I do it. lol. I've found I feel best when I just eat it. Like wheat sprouts, they settle fine with me. But when I make something out of them they don't as much. Anyway, I just kept eating...it's like I didn't even taste or feel or anything I just ate...finally about half way through the thing I stopped myself. And then started to feel sick. The stuff really tasted like vomit.

Misslinda,
lol, I don't know what it was. It was like a binge or something, kinda scarey. It didn't smell like vomit but I tasted a little bit and it actually tasted like vomit. Like I had just thrown up in my mouth. Absolutely disgusting. But then I tried it again, and again, and soon I didn't even taste it...I just kept eating...I didn't feel, didn't taste, didn't think. It was horrible. It almost ruined my day lol but I'm not going to let it. I had an orange and celery and water and I feel a bit better. I'm off to go have lunch now. I'm used to eating when my stomach doesn't feel good, and it's not too bad now.
About it not being cooked, the thing is my dehydrator is in my green house and it tends to get hot in there (my mom wouldn't let me pput it any where else, so I settled) I kept the doors open but it was sunny all day. If it felt warm to the touch would that have made it cooked? I don't know but all I know is that it made me feel horrible. I don't know why I kept eating it. That's what gets me upset. Now do I have another sort of eating disorder? I didn't even feel or think I just kept eating it without even like breathing. Maybe I felt bad for wasting it, maybe I just was scared I wouldn't have gained weight by my appointment tomorrow, I can't remember if I was upset or anything. A lot of things go on in some other part of my brain and I'm not filled in on whats going on sometimes (or it takes me a while to realize it)...I mean I've found that sometimes I'm feeling things that I don't realize I'm feeling.

Elouet,
I think you are right, about everything you just said! That's pretty much what I was thinking. I think we have a lot in common :). Thank you so much. And yay, I'm glad oranges and celery are cleansing, at least maybe I am able to listen to my body sometimes!
thanks:)

[ryana]

I have read a few of your posts and I think while it's normal to obsess over this raw food diet to a degree. I think especially because you have had an eating disorder you need to force yourself somehow not to be too strick. It's obvious to me you still have food issues. Relax it's just food. food to live. I'm not trying to be harsh or anything. I just want you to think twice about how your behavior is still linked to the disorder. At least thats what I see. I personally never suffered from an extreem eating disorder. I had a friend who once did adn I remeber if she was eating she would be obsess over the nutritional value in her food. It's all very boarder line. be careful and heal yourself or you'll distroy yourself.

[Drawn]

95-100 is not cooked.

It sounds too me like you may have fermented your food. If its still sticky after 24 hours its possible that it went rancid because you were dehydrating it at too low of a temp for too long. You can't let things stay wet for too long without refridgeration or rinsing. It is why you have to rinse the sprouts when you are sprouting. My onion bread takes 24 hours to dehydrate but by then its really dry. According to many raw foodists (cousens, et al) they say to begin dehydrating at 140 for a few hours then lower to 105-115. It takes a bit of time for the dehydrator to heat the food to 105 so starting at a higher temp can speed dehydrating and help you avoid fermentation.

Eventually, you will get over the disorder of just eating it regardless of the smell/taste. Use your senses, listen to what your body is telling you, hold the food in your hand and smell it, feel it.... take a moment before you gobble up something that smells like vomit. Your sense of smell was telling you it was bad; you just need to listen to it a little harder.

[Lunar*Fey]

Ryana,
You are right. At first, with RAW, everything was going so well. It was amazing. The whole constantly thinking about food thing was gone and I just lived and enjoyed myself. Now, suddenly it's all come back within the past couple days. I think it may have to do with the fact that its been a stressful weekend. I don't mean to be making excuses I'm just hoping that I'm only being like this because of stress. But I don't want to make these feelings habit. Like right now. I m COMPLETELY full and yet I really want another banana (that would be like my 5th one today). Usually, I would just eat it any way. But today for some reason it doesn't feel right to eat it. I really hate this, it truly ruins my life. I just want it to leave me alone!!!! I really truly and honestly just want it to leave me alone once and for all. When I first started RAW it was so wonderful, amazing, beautiful...I just felt so free and everything. I didn't think about eating at all, I just did it. What happened? I am like about to cry, I thought this was over. *sighs* You know what, I'll just go eat another banana. But then, is that turning in to eating to quell emotions? oh gosh why must I do this to myself? I know I would be even worse right now if I wasn't raw though. but why why why???
anyway, thank you.

Drawn,
thank you for the suggestion and information. I probably did ferment it. Thing is, it tasted like vomit earlier too. I just have some issues right now that I need to find a way to work out and I just got so upset because these issues went away when I first started raw and it really upset me that they came back. Thank you, I will work on using my senses and I am working toward being able to listen to my body. I think it really needs some EFAs right now because I really want flax seeds. I don't have any right now though. I'll have to buy some with the money I made with our tag sale...once someone will take me to the store (which may be a week)

[karenisraw]

I wondered if your wheatberries and bananas fermented.

k
:)

[rawpriestess]

When you dehydrate grains at 95 to 100 degrees they will ferment, just like they are supposed to do, what needs to be done is to either make your breads really really thin, or to dehydrate at 145 for a couple of hours, then turn it down, that is how Gabrielle Cousins suggest it be done, and if he says it, I think that it sounds okay.

[jenjenn]

Lunar Fey I have never heard anyone put into words or express the way they feel about food and have it sound exactly the way i feel with what you are going through.

Um what can I tell you well ...I myself overeat food beyond what I want and need, I sometimes feel like I have an anorexic mind but a compulsive eating body, this would take a long time for me to discuss you can get in contact with me through email if you want and i will tell you more if you want but anyhow I think Drawn had some really good advice and some that I will try to listen to.

I really can't give you advice , I guess more than anything I want to thank you for expressing what you're going through, sometimes I have a hard time putting things down in words and when I read what you posted it struck something inside of me ....feelings that I strongly feel at times too, actually just today I thought this way. and what frustrates me more is that i know i do it i know when i'm about to do it but I can't stop. but like you said you don't think feel or taste, and i try to but something just blocks me out i hate it i truely do and just like you said i want it to be gone!! oh it makes me soooo mad

so before i get carried away i just want to say again thank you for sharing ...I'm hoping we will find something deeper to feed us.

[MangoMan]

Hi, I too want to say THANKS for sharing your thoughts and concerns. I have often used food to satisfy my emotional inbalance. Just because I am now eating raw doesn't mean that I won't do this again... in fact, I think I did this evening! I wasn't hungry, and it was late, but I wanted to snack some more, and since it is raw and Alyssa said I could eat all I want, well heck, it's ok! So I ate another banana. (Yup, I think I had 5 today as well!) Why did I do it? I am not sure .. I did notice it though.

And that is something that would have caused my head to go round and round when I was younger. It doesn't now. It isn't like I am old and don't care. I do care greatly about my health, and about yours. It is just that I have been around the sun almost 39 times and over that time I've noticed that subtlety is a great thing to aspire to .. subtlely of action. (Hmm, I think I'm not being very clear here since I am getting confused reading my OWN words.) I don't get all jumpy over my actions as much, but I do watch them and shift them as my understanding grows. It just seems that giving me the grace to do 'dumb' things, and to monitor to make sure they aren't becomming a habit, is all I need to do. When something is a big enough habit that it bugs me, then I make a shift in my life ... and here's what I am only now learning ............. I also ask for assistance in making this shift. Like what you already know by putting up your comments for this community to read and support you on!

I love your zest and enthusiasm for life! Rereading what I wrote above makes it seem like 'subtlety of action' is preferred. It isn't, it is just how I've been able to stay sane. I still get worked up over stuff .. and I've found that, most likely, everything is going to turn out OK. That helps me to breathe a bit deeper in my gut and to get perspective. This conversation reminds me of the kid's book Verdi (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0152010289/qid=1147077663) by Janell Cannon. Maybe you've read it? I have read it to my son Aiden quite often. A young yellow snake is hatched and zips around the forest. He runs into some older green snakes who are slow and who have lost their riskyness. He decides he will never grow up to be like them, and tries to keep his skin from turning green like theirs ... it is a great book (despite my summary!). You are that little yellow snake who gleefully launches herself off of a tree limb into the unknown. I hope I'm becoming an older green snake who still takes risks, though is a bit concerned now about losing an eye in the process. :D

My wish for you Lunar*Fey is that you encourage your zest for life, and that you also find a way to give yourself grace -- the grace to do things you regret, grace to not know all the answers, grace to be who you are - where you are - as you are.

And from what I read in the forum and in your Journal, you're awesome! :p

[Sharon in Colorado]

I wasn't hungry, and it was late, but I wanted to snack some more, and since it is raw and Alyssa said I could eat all I want, well heck, it's ok! So I ate another banana. (Yup, I think I had 5 today as well!) Why did I do it? I am not sure .. I did notice it though.



You say this as if it's a bad thing! I wish I could eat that many at a sitting, there are raw foodists and athletes eating 10-15 at a sitting and upwards of 30 at a time. I have probably eaten that many (5) throughout the day, but would like to be able to for a meal. Gotta stretch the stomach.

Lunar I think it is safe to assume that if your plants are thriving in the green house and your dehydrater is running around 100 degrees you have not cooked anything. I too have made some dehydrated stuff in the past that has tasted awful, fermented and vomitatious, that even the dog wouldn't touch.

[Lunar*Fey]

Jenjenn,
I know what you mean, and I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this terrible thing as well. If you would like to email me and tell me more I would definately be glad to hear it. I think hearing one another's experiences helps us. my email is nightshade_16@sbcglobal.net

MangoMan,
I enjoyed reading your reply and thank you for all your words of wisdom ( :D ) and advice and such. That story does sound like a great children's book, I will look for it next time I go to the library and I'll read it to my little sister if I find it:).
"My wish for you Lunar*Fey is that you encourage your zest for life, and that you also find a way to give yourself grace -- the grace to do things you regret, grace to not know all the answers, grace to be who you are - where you are - as you are."
Now that you mention it, I think that is my wish for myself as well :) and I will strive to achieve it

Sharon in Colorado,
We don't have any plants in our greenhouse right now (lol) as we are trying to move and we keep my little sisters toys in there for some reason. And boy, does she have a LOT of toys. But as many have suggested, I'm guessing it became fermented