Emotional Disconnect

[LeanAndHungry]

I am wondering if anyone has ever gone through something similar. It's kind of complicated.

Does anyone feel like they control themselves too much? You exert so much control over what you say that you feel like a robot, just so rigid, not at all yourself. It also occurs in physical movements, especially when in involves other people. I just think about it so much. For instance, I was in a "relationship" with a woman last year and the reason she decided to end it because she sensed an emotional disconnect between us. There were times when I wanted to touch her, just little things and I would overanalyze every movement. Nothing felt natural. I know touch is one of the most important aspects of interpersonal relationships so this really bothers me. I just get nervous and everymovement feels so awkward. I wish it would feel more natural, and it's not just the butterflies. It's something much more than that. Scarier still is the fact that I don't feel like I love anyone. I don't even have significant feelings for my family. I honestly don't love them, or at least don't feel like I do.

It's like I can't at this point connect with people emotionally. It seems that any worthwhile relationship must have that connection. I think it has something to do with vulnerability and not wanting to be vulnerable, as I would guess anytime you invest in someone emotionally you stand to be hurt very badly.

Perhaps it's related to a lot of physical concerns that I have with my body.

I don't know. I guess I'm just looking for people's thoughts on these things, if anyone else has gone through this, if anyone thinks raw food might help(I am starting that over again, hopefully for good this time.), or if anyone else has an innate knowledge of what's going on here and how to fix it(I not asking for a quick fix as I don't think there is one). It's just frustrating because it seems that this is huge part of life, and I'm totally missing out on it.

[Raw Jewelrylady]

Hi Brad...Well, I'm not an expert-but from what you are writing I think the first thing before you can *feel* like you love others is to Love yourself. I know it's cliche' but very true. By taking care of yourself-body-mind-& spirit & esp w/a Raw food plan..you will find that it's easier to connect.

Maybe you just don't know what you feel about others as you need to take care of YOU right now. Does that make sense.

OK..Now for the "girl's" perspective...all of us( maybe I should not say all but I'm going out on a limb here)-we want Men to let us know what they are feeling. In any relationship it takes communication to make it work.

I think real hard-core journaling..you don't even have to do it here..get a private blog & just start writing..do some "dream" analysis..see where your head is at & start over on Raw. You don't have to be perfect..just don't quit when you have something not Raw...I hope this helps. I think your thread took real guts to post. :cool:

Lana

[misslinda]

Curious, how do you feel about your own sexuality and intimacy issues-- ?

:)

[LeanAndHungry]

Ummm... what exactly do you mean? You've hit on something that is definitely relevant, but before I answer, I wonder if you could clarify a bit what you're asking.



Curious, how do you feel about your own sexuality and intimacy issues--not ?

:)

[misslinda]

Hey Brad,

I'll do my best although it encompasses many dynamics but for example.......

How do you feel about intimacy in terms of expressing feelings ?

How do you feel about your own body and are you comfortable with it's sexualness? That doesn't neccessarily meant the act of sex but loving your body of what it is and how it repsonds?

How idyou feel emotionally when you GF did touch you intimately?

Do have a hard time expressing feelings in general whether in a relationship or with a friend talking from the inner core level?

Just a few questions.........

[karenisraw]

Leanandhungry,

Check out the thread I just posted. It is about the types of things you are talking about what I did to fix my own problem. I too seemed to have some of the same symptoms you have. I no longer have them due to the things I did on the thread I posted below.

http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13358

k :)

[LeanAndHungry]

Hey Brad,

I'll do my best although it encompasses many dynamics but for example.......

How do you feel about intimacy in terms of expressing feelings ?

How do you feel about your own body and are you comfortable with it's sexualness? That doesn't neccessarily meant the act of sex but loving your body of what it is and how it repsonds?

How idyou feel emotionally when you GF did touch you intimately?

Do have a hard time expressing feelings in general whether in a relationship or with a friend talking from the inner core level?

Just a few questions.........

Expressing feelings...
Well I usually don't say what I'm feeling. My parents ask often how I'm doing and I ALWAYS say good. It's like we never had a relationship in which I feel comfortable telling them how I actually am doing. That's just an example. My brother also asks this frequently as I live with him and I give pretty much the same answer. I just don't feel like sharing with my family. With friends it's much easier, though still not easy. I feel a much greater connection to the few good friends I have than my family, most likely because they are Christians as I am while my family is not. In regards to the girl I mentioned, I always had an easy time writing a sweet email or letter, and I think the feelings were there to back it up, but when it came time that I finally saw her it was like I felt nothing, or I was so uptight/self-conscious that I could not feel anything.

Feelings about my own body...
I have a lot of health problems. At least it seems like a lot. As you might know I have posted about my teeth, as well as old acne scars. I am pretty sure new pimples/zits are no longer a significant problem as long as I eat clean. The acne was worst at the time that I was spending time with this girl. I was getting horrible cysts right above my butt. That has stopped fortunately, but the red marks are still there I believe they are improving slowly. I am confident skin problems can be overcome, but I worry about my teeth, but am "trying to believe" even miraculous restoration is possible. The other "health" concern(and possibly the most relevant in this context) is actually two things. Actually, now that I think about it it's three things. And it's not something anyone in the world has any idea about. This is probably a little too graphic for some, so don't go on if you don't want to hear anything about things that are of a sexual nature, in particular, anatomy. I'm hesitant to write it even in the relative anonymity of this forum(though this does make me question putting my name in my signature). Basically, it something "down there." One is cosmetic, and I am sure will go away with a clean diet so I am not too worried about it. Two are "mechanical" and I am certain affect me subconsciously(and consciously) in negative ways. I am sure everything is functional, though perhaps awkwardly so. I hope that's enough detail. If not, I guess that's too bad, unless there's another medium through which you would like to communicate. It's pretty obvious that this kind of thing would have a huge affect on the ability/willingness to have any level of intimacy with a woman(but the big picture is not just about man/woman relationships). Also, I believe all of these things are in some way self-inflicted, though none of them were purposely self-inflicted, which could add another element to all this. How my body responds, I don't have any problem with that, except for things related to the above mentioned issue. I kind of feel like I'm talking in riddles.

How did I feel when she touched me intimately?
That didn't happen much if at all. It never got that far. We are both of the no sex before marriage persuasion. As I said, I was so self-conscious, or so "something else"(leaving open the possiblity for other more appropriate words) that I could hardly bring myself to touch her, though I wanted to. We hugged a few times and she kissed my on the neck once as I was leaving but that is about it. Those times I felt pretty much nothing. There was almost no physical contact between us at other times. At first I was excited about her, but I think my anxiety quickly somehow made me not feel anything for her. I certainly did early on, but I don't think it took long for the anxiety to just be too much. You know, you want to do something, but if you wait too long, it becomes an expectation, like "why won't you touch me" and at that point it becomes so awkward that you labor over it to the point that it just becomes more and more difficult to do. But back to my early excitement. One of the first times we were together but she came over to my apartment, we ate a light salad, went for a walk, and came back. I had a bunch of scenic photos and we both like nature a lot, so we sat on the couch and looked at them for a long time. This may seem silly coming from a 24 year old, but honestly I'm not ashamed of this part at all. This whole time our shoulders, yes, that's right, shoulders were barely touching. Yeah, big deal. But it's the little things that count right. It was just enough for there to be a little bit of pressure, but not enough so we were leaning on each other. I was excited, nervous, butterflies and all that and you get the really strong sense that the other person is feeling the same way. Good stuff. It makes me happy just thinking about it. But, after that time, I have to admit it was just awkward.

I don't know. I just wish physical contact felt natural instead of so awkward. I wish I could live in the moment and feel the compulsion and desire to hug and or kiss someone or any other contact. That seems so foreign to me now, like this time I can't comprehend doing that kind of thing in the moment. I hate the fact that I think so much about such things. It makes me think of the way young children behave. They act totally in the moment. They hug/kiss/grab hold of people all the time and freely. I want to get that back somehow. I know the physical stuff is not the root problem, and that it stems from underlying mental issues, but I think the physical aspect is relevant to the extent that it will probably shed light on the mental issue.

If that seemed like a big mess of randomized thought I can clarify further if you want.

[karenisraw]

Hi Brad,

I actually think your problem will be easily resolved. I think it might be a combination of the things you mentioned and maybe something that maybe happened in the past.

Your post above did not at all sound like a riddle or random thoughts, but very well organized, clear and very easy to see your position as well as to understand your emotional level.

I did not have the same problem, mine was actually the opposite and I was very needy and LOVED to be touched and to touch. But, when I was very young in gradeschool, junior and senior high school I literally had to teach myself how to communicate and be comfortable with people because I was so incredibly shy and didn't want to be so I literally made myself have conversations and such and practice being social. If I was not communicating and comfortable with it I would learn by watching other people have conversations and trying to say the same types of things. I had this problem because I and my siblings were greatly neglected and both my parents decided when we were VERY young (kindergarten), that becoming parents was a mistake and they wished it had never happened and tuned us out. Both parents but especially my father NEVER talked to us or had conversations. If they did it was only about "get to bed", "do the dishes", or "clean your room". We NEVER that I can remember throughout my whole childhood just had a conversation just to talk or even review what the day was like. EVER. EVER NEVER. Not even once. I don't rember it after a certain age. So I literally did not know how to talk to another person.

So, if I were you, I would first make sure you are getting enough important brain nutrients, second, have faith and confidence in yourself, third, learn exactly why you have this problem (if it is not solved with nutrients and nutrition), and fourth, practice being the caring, thoughtful wonderful person that you are with another person. Maybe you just have to reach for your girlfriends hand and just hold it for a while even though you are anxious about it and just see what happens. You may just start to smile.

k


:)

[PATH301]

Hey brad,
What lanasq, said here is very true:

Maybe you just don't know what you feel about others as you need to take care of YOU right now. Does that make sense.

OK..Now for the "girl's" perspective...all of us( maybe I should not say all but I'm going out on a limb here)-we want Men to let us know what they are feeling. In any relationship it takes communication to make it work.

In any relationship it takes communication to make it work,
if both are actively work togather for the same goal this will work, but if only one is working toward that and the other one is not then the communication will cease. Then you'll feel the seperation.
Guy's too, at least this guy want's to know what his woman thinking and what she is feeling. Her insight is so very valuable to us guy's, she helps us become more plaible so that we as a couple become more as oneness.

The communication also like misslinda and lanasq said; it's also about how you communicate yourself to others in platonic relationships and how you communicate to yourself - this is the biggest key are you comfortable with yourself?

[misslinda]

Brad,

What [would] happen if you find yourself engaging in some kind of intimate act whether it be hugging ,kissing etc?

Do you think your lack of emotional "progression" in family relationships has effected your ability to deeply/intimately connect in relationships?

That was interesting about the shoulder situation......it was almost like you were expressing that it was "safe." When you stay in that "safe zone" what does that mean?

:)

[Purl]

do you have other social issues?
for example do you have trouble reading other people's body language or understanding jokes?
Do you have a hard time keeping a conversation going, esp if it's about the other person?
Are you sensitive to pain/discomfort in clothing?
or do you feel very little physical pain?
what were you like growing up, socially speaking?
did you have friends or prefer to be alone?
Do you ever get hyper focused on a topic and it's almost impossible to think or talk about anything else?

[rawpriestess]

I'm sorry to hear that you are having social challenges, you've got some really good advice so far, many blessings,

[LeanAndHungry]

Brad,

What [would] happen if you find yourself engaging in some kind of intimate act whether it be hugging ,kissing etc?

Do you think your lack of emotional "progression" in family relationships has effected your ability to deeply/intimately connect in relationships?

That was interesting about the shoulder situation......it was almost like you were expressing that it was "safe." When you stay in that "safe zone" what does that mean?

:)

What would happen? I would most likely be thinking about it too much. Along the same lines, I was walking out of the gym today, and there was someone else walking out. We were both going to our cars and I noticed consciously and sub-consciously I was affected by their presence, like it influenced my thoughts and movements. It was subtle, as I was just walking to my car. Really how much can I be affected in doing that by the presence of someone else? Still though, there was an effect. Kind of wierd. It's like I'm extremely concerned with how others see me, or something like that. I've been thinking about another aspect of this some recently. It is just how close your face must to be to another person's face to actually kiss them. I've never kissed anyone in a real affectionate way. I did once or twice in high school because two girls basically forced me to. I have never kissed my parents that I can remember.

Second Question's Answer: Probably. Though there was a time I believe when all this stuff wasn't so much an issue. I do remember being more affectionate towards my parents as a child. I would do all sorts of things like spontaneously hug them, or rub my dads five o'clock shadow, or my moms legs with really short(recently shaved) hair because I liked the feel of it. But somehow that stuff changed. Of course there are some things you grow out of and that's good, but I think you get the idea.

Third Question's Answer: I don't know.

[LeanAndHungry]

do you have other social issues?
for example do you have trouble reading other people's body language or understanding jokes?
Do you have a hard time keeping a conversation going, esp if it's about the other person?
Are you sensitive to pain/discomfort in clothing?
or do you feel very little physical pain?
what were you like growing up, socially speaking?
did you have friends or prefer to be alone?
Do you ever get hyper focused on a topic and it's almost impossible to think or talk about anything else?

Other social issues? I would think whatever they are they have their rootsin this issue of having to think so much about what I'm going to say and being physically uptight.

Reading body language, I don't know. I THINK I can read it reasonably well. But honestly I can't think of many recent relevant situations to give an answer to that. I have no problem understanding jokes.

Discomfort in clothing? As a child I always complained of being "uncomfortable" in some clothing. I don't like dressing nicely for that reason now. I can't get comfortable sitting in a car or in a chair at work. I don't think that's relevant, but it may be. I feel physical pain.

Social life growing up? I didn't talk much. Didn't have a lot of friends, but always had at least one that I spent a lot of time with, usually to the exclusion of most others, but I don't think I ever was that close to any of them(I don't keep in touch with any but my college friends). I also moved a lot. Maybe that played a part, but that's now the sole cause, as many people make meaningful friendships in short times. I Lived in Michigan for two years, then Virginia for 2 years, then Florida for 4 years, then Indiana for 9 years. After graduation I went to school at a different place in Indiana and my parents moved back to Michigan so I went back there for summers. After college graduation I moved back to Virginia where I had a job offer. Down here in VA is probably the most friendless I have ever been. I know I don't need a lot of friends. Just a few good ones is enough. I have always been quiet. My parents tell stories about how I talked so little as a child, and I think at one time they were worried that I wouldn't ever start talking.

I value time alone(I probably have too much of that right now), but I like to be with some people. It depends on who and what we're doing. If it's shallow interaction, like small talk, then I really don't like it. I hate making small talk. But playing sports with friends and having serious conversations with friends I really enjoy.

Hyper focused on topics? Not really. I usually go off on tangents pretty easily.

[LeanAndHungry]

do you have other social issues?
for example do you have trouble reading other people's body language or understanding jokes?
Do you have a hard time keeping a conversation going, esp if it's about the other person?
Are you sensitive to pain/discomfort in clothing?
or do you feel very little physical pain?
what were you like growing up, socially speaking?
did you have friends or prefer to be alone?
Do you ever get hyper focused on a topic and it's almost impossible to think or talk about anything else?

I almost always have a hard time keeping a conversation going when it's about the other person. Any political/scientific/philosophical conversation I can talk and talk and talk, but in general conversations with people, I have hard time thinking of anything to say. Nothing really comes to mind. This is also a problem when people ask about me. I usually don't have good answers for questions about me. Sometimes that is because I don't feel like answering that question to that person, but many others it's just because my mind goes blank.

[misslinda]

Brad,

It's really admirable of you to be open and honest about this subject. I use to have varying issues in the same realm.

I'm curious, do you think anything in life event skewed you into this way of feeling?

What's interesting about engaging in conversations such as politics, scientific and philosophical disucssions,is that a person can be mechanical or academic in their approach that prevents that "closeness." I myself, did this in psychotherapy where I was so analytical that I never spoke from the [real] feelings.

Have you tried some form of meditation or healing modality to "investigate" these hidden or repressed feelings? Are you angry about anything?

Do you feel loved in general? Do you feel worthless?

[CorporalChicken]

Hi Lean & Hungry

If you could have one or more wishes right now to make life perfect, what would you ask for?

[LeanAndHungry]

Hi Lean & Hungry

If you could have one or more wishes right now to make life perfect, what would you ask for?

That's an interesting question. I suspect it's a sort of trick question. I wonder what the trick is, but I have an idea or two. I don't like to seem like such a downer mentioning everything I wish were different because it's not all so bad, and I know many people are in MUCH worse situations. I'll answer it in as much detail as possible because it's kind of fun to fantasize about some of that stuff. Perfect is perfect, so it would take a lot to be perfect. My biggest physical problems would be gone, bad eyesight, bad teeth, bad skin, and that other thing I mentioned farther up in the thread. My knees and hips(if they're what's causing the knee problem) would be healed. I would have a job I don't dread going to every morning. Preferably a non-desk job, outside doing something I love, doing something good for the world. I would not be living disconnected with myself and others as this thread details. I would have that girl back and not be so unsure of my feelings towards her. I would be assured of my faith in God. There's a lot more stuff. It's hard to think of everything that would make life perfect and it makes me feel greedyi mentioning all those things I want. I think it all comes down to freedom. Everything I mentioned is a freedom issue. The things I don't like are things that in some way hinder some aspect of freedom to do or be something.

[misslinda]

Curious, so then, what is your life purpose?

[LeanAndHungry]

Curious, so then, what is your life purpose?

Good point. All those things I mentioned are just things. Unfortunately I can't write any more tonight. I need to get more sleep than I have been getting recently.

[CorporalChicken]

That's an interesting question. I suspect it's a sort of trick question. I wonder what the trick is, but I have an idea or two. I don't like to seem like such a downer mentioning everything I wish were different because it's not all so bad, and I know many people are in MUCH worse situations. I'll answer it in as much detail as possible because it's kind of fun to fantasize about some of that stuff. Perfect is perfect, so it would take a lot to be perfect. My biggest physical problems would be gone, bad eyesight, bad teeth, bad skin, and that other thing I mentioned farther up in the thread. My knees and hips(if they're what's causing the knee problem) would be healed. I would have a job I don't dread going to every morning. Preferably a non-desk job, outside doing something I love, doing something good for the world. I would not be living disconnected with myself and others as this thread details. I would have that girl back and not be so unsure of my feelings towards her. I would be assured of my faith in God. There's a lot more stuff. It's hard to think of everything that would make life perfect and it makes me feel greedyi mentioning all those things I want. I think it all comes down to freedom. Everything I mentioned is a freedom issue. The things I don't like are things that in some way hinder some aspect of freedom to do or be something.

Do you think if you still had that girl by your side and the two of you were very close, the other things you mentioned would feel a million times more trivial?

Relationships are nearly always awkward at the beginning. I say and do things these days that I wouldn't even have thought about saying or doing at the beginning. It's like we start a relationship and want to impress the other person all the time. In time it gets soooo easy. A good relationship shouldn't be hard work, but at the beginning it nearly always is. You feel weird about being in your skin, you get scared they'll see you naked and run a mile and tell their friends, you get scared you'll say 'I love you' and they wont reply. Lots of crazy things that should be second to 'This boy/girl is great fun! I love their company' which would come across as a lot better. If the two of you weren't meant to be together, then so be it. If you really want her, you can go get her now. But is it her you really want, or does the idea of being in a relationship appeal to you more than her personal qualities?