I have non-raw inlaws!

[heabrook]

My question is: How do you deal with family members that are extremely (extremely) against your diet? To the point that they attack you about your diet, claim that you are missing out terribly, and that you are unhealthy because of your diet.

Background info:

When I met my husband, he was not vegan. He was born and raised in the south (walhalla, SC). I was vegan, and he quickly became one after seeing how the vegan diet made him feel so much better. I did not force him (despite the beliefs of some other people, I did not hold a carrot to his head and force him to give up meat'n'potatoes).

They think he his vegan simply because of me and they think he gave up his belief in their religion simply because of me. The fact is, he grew into more of who he was. People change and move on, and no one can be blamed for it, it is completely healthy.

It is hard enough to try and attempt to eat with his family (when we visit, which isn't that often because we live in Colorado and they live in South Carolina) by simply being vegan. Now that you add Raw vegan on top of it, it makes it even more difficult. They like to go out to eat. Where we live, it wouldn't be a problem BUT when we go back there to visit it will be. They live in a small town, the nearest health food store being about 45miles away. :eek:

At our wedding party, they filled our guestbook (and wedding cards) with "don't forget your family, don't forget what they've done for you"etc. They are good people and I try my hardest to accept them. I know they are trying to accept me. But I am completely different to them, and they are completely different to me. We are still people and we still need to get a long the best we can. Unfortunately, they can do some pretty mean things that hurt but I get over it and move on.

The way I see it, it is a learning/growth process for me and them.

[Gosia]

I believe that it is best not to argue about diets with your extended family. They will hate this and resent you if you do this. I simply do what I want to do and smile. At family gatherings, I do not criticize their food which they prepaed in such care, even though I know it's not helathy. I bring my own food. I think acceptance in both direction is workable. They now accept me the way I am, they might have some joke or two, but I can put up with it. My mother in law, when she visits us, eats what we eat!

These things take time. I remember when I was cooked and first heard of raw foodism, I thought that it was totally insane!

If they ask you why you eat like this, perhaps you could say (smiling) that it makes you feel great and you love eating this way? When my extended family asked me, I said that I no longer had to drink coffee to concentrate in my (highly intelectual) job, and that (as my hygienist confirmed) my gums have improved dramatically. They accepted this argument.


Gosia.

[Revvell]

First of all, I don't go where I'm not supported. If you can't see your way to doing this yet, then, that's the way it is for you at this time.


My question is: How do you deal with family members that are extremely (extremely) against your diet? To the point that they attack you about your diet, claim that you are missing out terribly, and that you are unhealthy because of your diet.

I don't. It's a fear and control issue. If you search here, you'll find MANY people are having this problem as well and LOTS of great advice given....and more will come since so many new people have joined and are wondering the same thing.



I did not force him (despite the beliefs of some other people, I did not hold a carrot to his head and force him to give up meat'n'potatoes).

That's cute. lol



At our wedding party, they filled our guestbook (and wedding cards) with "don't forget your family, don't forget what they've done for you"etc.

As I said, fear and control. They were afraid they couldn't control him from where he was moving to and being under your "influence". It's a common thing w/ parents... not being able to let go and allow their "children" to be adults.



They are good people and I try my hardest to accept them. I know they are trying to accept me. "....To the point that they attack you about your diet..." I don't see where they are "trying" to accept you. Accepting does not include attacking.


Unfortunately, they can do some pretty mean things that hurt but I get over it and move on.

Why would you "get over" having people "attack" you and do "some pretty mean things"? How does your husband feel about this? Why would you wish to be around people like this?

For me, my life is waaaaay too short to hang out with people who "attack" me and/or do "some pretty mean things", I don't care who they are. You may need to deal with this for awhile ~ play it out until you realize you are worth more than that.



The way I see it, it is a learning/growth process for me and them.

Do they see it this way as well? All I/we have to go by is what you've stated here. Here's a suggestion ~ if your best friend wrote this to you (and she did), what would you tell her?

Revvell

[Sharon in Colorado]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think the less you discuss this issue with them the more they will be fascinated with you and one day, sure enough, some of them will approach you when they have their health problems.

Sounds like you aren't around them much, so when you are just show kindness and consideration for who they are and try to stay out of their spotlight. It probably just entertains them and makes them feel good to make a big deal out of your lifestyle.

What part of Colorado are you in?

[heabrook]

First of all, I don't go where I'm not supported. If you can't see your way to doing this yet, then, that's the way it is for you at this time.

As I said, fear and control. They were afraid they couldn't control him from where he was moving to and being under your "influence". It's a common thing w/ parents... not being able to let go and allow their "children" to be adults.


Why would you "get over" having people "attack" you and do "some pretty mean things"? How does your husband feel about this? Why would you wish to be around people like this?

For me, my life is waaaaay too short to hang out with people who "attack" me and/or do "some pretty mean things", I don't care who they are. You may need to deal with this for awhile ~ play it out until you realize you are worth more than that.

Do they see it this way as well? All I/we have to go by is what you've stated here. Here's a suggestion ~ if your best friend wrote this to you (and she did), what would you tell her?

Revvell

You made some great points. I don't wish to be around people like this, we haven't actually visited them for over a year. Last time we did, his mom acted like I wasn't welcome. They've visited us in Colorado though.

You pegged it right "fear and control."

You are right. I shouldn't put up with it. It really is hurtful. Before we got married, he called his mom to tell her the good news that we were engaged. She asked "why?" and "are you sure that's what you want to do?" she also said "is she pregnant, is that why you are getting married?" I wasn't pregnant, by the way. We do hope to have a child someday though. That really hurt though, because she couldn't understand why he would marry me unless I was pregnant?

My husband doesn't like this at all, and he has offered to stop contacting them etc. But at this point, I can't do that. They are his parents and they do love him, despite their idiosyncrasies.

When we visit with them, I try to perceive it the best way I can to get through. It is hard though, because they hardly talk to me and sometimes it seems like I'm not really there. They just want him, him, him.


Gosia: I agree, it is best to be nice. We don't argue with them actually. I've never once said that their diet isn't good or anything like that. We are the ones who get targeted. Funny, isn't it? since my husband and I have healthier diets than they do, yet we get picked on!

[heabrook]

Sounds like you aren't around them much, so when you are just show kindness and consideration for who they are and try to stay out of their spotlight.

What part of Colorado are you in?

Thank you. We don't visit with them that often, but that sort of makes it worse. When we don't visit them, they feel like "he's forgetting his family." They don't seem to realize that I am his family now too and we are creating a family of our own. That's what I do though, try to be the nicest I can be when we are with them. His dad and his brother get along with me better than his mom. They have their moments too though.

We live in Westminster, it's north of Denver (closer to Boulder). We love it here!

"Sharon in Colorado"....I take it you live in Colorado too? What part? :)

[PhoeniX]

I think that you are already following the right track. People are often threatened by what they do not understand or what they think is strange. I believe that the worst thing that you can do is to engage in conflict over it. For good or ill, they are part of your family now. If you continue to be yourself then in time they may come around to accepting you the way you are. Leading by example is extremely powerful. I would guess that it is from seeing your example that your husband decided to try new things. Good luck with it!

[Gosia]

"Gosia: I agree, it is best to be nice. We don't argue with them actually. I've never once said that their diet isn't good or anything like that. We are the ones who get targeted. Funny, isn't it? since my husband and I have healthier diets than they do, yet we get picked on!"

This is hard. Is there a chance that they will change? Perhaps the best is for you to stay away from them. Perhaps your husband coud explain to them that treating you with hostility is not OK.

I believe in surrounding oneself with people who treat you well. Having peaceful environment is important for your wellbeing. You don't need this conflict. You deserve being loved and respected.

There are people who just do not understand that treating others with hostility when they think they are right about something is not the way to keep friends. I exclude people like this from my life. I call it looking after myself.

Gosia.

[heabrook]

This is hard. Is there a chance that they will change? Perhaps the best is for you to stay away from them. Perhaps your husband coud explain to them that treating you with hostility is not OK.

I believe in surrounding oneself with people who treat you well. Having peaceful environment is important for your wellbeing. You don't need this conflict. You deserve being loved and respected.
Gosia.

I suppose there is always a chance that they may change. However, this has gone on for 4yrs with mild improvement.

My husband has let them know that it is not appropriate. As I said earlier, we haven't been to visit them in over a year now. The last time we visited, I was treated like I wasn't welcome (mainly by his mom). She even went so far as to talk about me behind my back to him while I was still sleeping one morning. He told me what she said, and we agreed that it was completely inappropriate. So, he asked her to talk with us and he explained to her that it was not nice and that anything she has to say to him she can say in front of me too. I told her that I didn't feel welcome and that I felt that she would rather me not be here. She quickly said no that wasn't the case, but not with very much emotion or feeling.

I guess, I'm just trying. I don't want to have conflict or problems. There are times when things get better, but sometimes it is only for a little while.

[Sharon in Colorado]

Thank you. We don't visit with them that often, but that sort of makes it worse. When we don't visit them, they feel like "he's forgetting his family." They don't seem to realize that I am his family now too and we are creating a family of our own. That's what I do though, try to be the nicest I can be when we are with them. His dad and his brother get along with me better than his mom. They have their moments too though.

We live in Westminster, it's north of Denver (closer to Boulder). We love it here!

"Sharon in Colorado"....I take it you live in Colorado too? What part? :)

I live in Colorado Springs, so we are about an hour away from you. There's a small group of us out here but I hear there is a ton of activity in Denver and Boulder.

It is hard to know what to do, especially with mother-in-laws. Believe me, I get along well with everyone except the MIL, and it's mostly not diet-related, but I think sometimes that causes a bit of riff. I finally got DH to agree not to stay in their home when we visit, and now I have a real excuse because I'm allergic to cats and they just adopted 3.

Well, maybe one day you'll be able to talk with her face-to-face about the issues she's having. I sure know what it's like to have to walk around on eggshells all the time.

[4Chunit1]

I gotta add that the response from my in-laws has been a factor in me putting off the raw lifestyle. It sounds weak, but the whole crew is basically my real family as I have a difficult and broken past. They believe in the whole "kiss your host's butt, never cause a problem, eat what's in front of you and smile" lifestyle and so on. I LOVE these people, but I catch h*ll for being vegan as it is, and it's ALWAYS a topic at their house when we get together for family dinners. Well, oh well. I've had it. The bible tells me to be FULLY convinced about my lifestyle and dietary choices, and I am. It's gonna be hard enough to go 100% without them getting all over me. And besides, that ain't love. I will not die for Krispy Kreme and Big Beef Burrito Supremes.

Much Love

Chad

[honeybee joy]

Originally Posted By heabrook

Thank you. We don't visit with them that often, but that sort of makes it worse. When we don't visit them, they feel like "he's forgetting his family."

I have been there. It is extremely frusterating. It sounds like they are trying to make you feel guilty. At first I tried to get this person to accept me, then I realized that was never going to happen and that it had nothing to do with me but them.

What I finally did was just stay the hell away from them. Let them have their time with "their son" (Sorry I have so been there and it brings back memories. lol) Just give them time with him, alone. This is what I would do and did, Just try to stay on basic subjects like the weather and find something to go do if things get heated. I would not argue back, just walked away. (The argueing thing does not work and it makes you look like a idiot and out of control and then they have won. Unfortunantly I know that from experience. *blushing* Then they justify their anger and have more nasty things to say.)

I find that if you do that it sends a message that they have to respect you and that you do not really care what they think and It gives them less control. Deep down they do not want to look like idiots, they do not want your husband mad at them. When they find out that being nasty to you doesn't work, they will give up. Be polite, but in control of your emotions. Never let what they have to say influence how you feel about yourself. All it is there anger being directed to you. It worked for me. They never liked me, but they gave up. I never was really accepted, but who cares, I want people in my life that like me, not ones that are against me.

Good luck!

[juliebove]

I guess I am lucky! My inlaws were not wealthy and their philosophy at the dining table is that you eat what is put before you. They couldn't really afford to do it any other way. However when I met them, I was a vegetarian. Not raw but vegetarian. They didn't always serve meat because they couldn't always afford it. But they made sure to put something on the table that I could eat. My FIL (rest his soul) also had a lovely vegetable garden and strawberry patch. So they always had plenty of produce. As the years went by my MIL's health declined and when we went to visit, I did all of the meals. So that worked out well for me, although it was a pain because she was on a special diet as was my FIL.

[Shivananda]

My question is: How do you deal with family members that are extremely (extremely) against your ***? To the point that they attack you about your ***, claim that you are missing out terribly, and that you are ****** because of your ****. Fundamentally this is not a raw vegan issue, it is a family dynamics issue. You can substitute many other words... race, class, religion, sexual orientation, political belief, lifestyle... in place of the specific words you used and it still spells out a very, very familiar complaint... "my in-laws don't accept me."

Your raw diet is just the McGuffin* here, and I say focusing on that will only delay you getting to the heart of the matter. Cleaving a man and a woman from their families to begin their own lives together isn't easy for anyone, especially when old standards and values seem to be falling by the wayside. Concentrate on communicating love and respect, and your own need to be treated with love and respect, while looking for ways to minimize friction and upset without compromising your own values. Realize that family dynamics can be very complicated and take time and energy and a lot of communication to change. Good luck!

*McGuffin - A plot device screenwriters use, and film director Alfred Hitchcock was famous for, defined as ‘ A device or plot element that catches the viewer’s attention or drives the plot. It is generally something that every character is concerned with.’ The McGuffin is essentially something that the entire story is built around and yet has no real relevance. Also known to screenwriters as a "weenie."

[Sharon in Colorado]

I gotta add that the response from my in-laws has been a factor in me putting off the raw lifestyle. It sounds weak, but the whole crew is basically my real family as I have a difficult and broken past. They believe in the whole "kiss your host's butt, never cause a problem, eat what's in front of you and smile" lifestyle and so on. I LOVE these people, but I catch h*ll for being vegan as it is, and it's ALWAYS a topic at their house when we get together for family dinners.




If you are already a vegan, you are already there. All you have to do is eat fresh fruits and vegetables, it isn't necessary to tell them you are raw. If asked, just let 'em know you feel tons better eating fresh plant food instead of cooked and leave it at that. If they ask "are you raw now" you can just say, "well, I haven't really thought about it, I just like eating fresh food" innocently, and leave it at that. Or just say that cooked foods make you feel a little sick. Don't make a big fuss over it. And bring fresh fruit and salads over every chance you get.

[English Tracy]

Heabrook - your in-laws are not only unhealthy but they are unpleasant as well. You don't need people like that in your life. You have clearly tried to get on with them and in your view have failed. Your husband seems supportive but maybe a little weak if he cannot be firmer with his parents about how he expects them to treat his wife.

My late mother in law was a very difficult woman so I sympathise.

With regard to their disapproval of your lifestyle and the way you eat, Shivananda is right. It is essentially about family dynamics because if they didn't object to your diet it sounds as though they would pick on something else.

Good Luck and don't beat yourself up!! You are on the right path and the in-laws are too set in their ways to change. Not your problem.

Tracy

[JMD]

I am so sorry you have to go thru this..seems to me that the issue really is not about the FOOD but more of their way to have more time with their son or something. I am by far NO counselor , but I see that the issue is with them and the FOOD is another exuse she mostly seems to be using.

It is a shame how people act when THEY are insecure and cannot verbalize it.

Keep repeating to yourself that YOU ARE FINE and WORTHY. I am sure there are SEVERAL people who adore you. Your in-laws are missing on that person b/c of their own issues.

Bottomline, we need no one's approval but OUR OWN..easy to say tough to swallow.

:)JMD

[4Chunit1]

Appreciate the advice Sharon. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who faces this. The real issue is, when I would sit there and eat potatos and lots of the veggies, it "says" to everybody, "Your food isn't good enough for me, I'm better" or "Your turkey/meatloaf/ham is nasty so I'll just eat veggies" and so on. I've only been working on my vegitarian diet for about 2 1/2 years and about a year ago I ate some turkey just because I felt I was disrespecting them when they would make the meat offering and I said no, so for the sake of love and peace I went ahead and had a slice. My wife and I both thought that it was almost as if it was Jonestown and I drank the kool aid and everyone was happy. In Wyoming at least, these 3 times a day meat eaters take offense when they find out you don't eat rotting flesh. Not the most open minded people you've ever met :(

Blesings

4chunit1

[Sharon in Colorado]

I wonder if you could come up with a health reason. Between my hubby and I both sides of our families are aware of my genetic cholesterol issue, and that my own father had a fatal heart attack at my age so they pretty much leave me alone when they realize that all animal products contain cholesterol.

Maybe if they thought your body only worked well, or you function better on raw food they wouldn't give you any grief. And then quickly change the subject if they do continue to pursue it. Like, they wouldn't expect you to eat cake if you were diabetic or nuts if you had an allergy.

[heabrook]

Fundamentally this is not a raw vegan issue, it is a family dynamics issue. You can substitute many other words... race, class, religion, sexual orientation, political belief, lifestyle... in place of the specific words you used and it still spells out a very, very familiar complaint... "my in-laws don't accept me."

Concentrate on communicating love and respect, and your own need to be treated with love and respect, while looking for ways to minimize friction and upset without compromising your own values. Realize that family dynamics can be very complicated and take time and energy and a lot of communication to change. Good luck!

That's true, it is a family dynamics issue. I treat them with respect and love, and try to perceive everything in a positive light. I think that is the best thing that anyone in my position should do.... love, accept, respect. In time, perhaps they will do the same to me.

Everyone had great points as well. Thank you for your input!!

[4Chunit1]

IF I could convince them that meat was bad for you, I might make some headway. But you both being from Colorado probably understand that a LOT of people honestly believe that meat is the center of the meal, the real value of eating in itself. The rest is just props. I appreciate the comments, it encourages me. Sorry if I jacked this thread.

God Bless

4chunit1

[Ariannah]

The real issue is, when I would sit there and eat potatos and lots of the veggies, it "says" to everybody, "Your food isn't good enough for me, I'm better" or "Your turkey/meatloaf/ham is nasty so I'll just eat veggies" and so on.

Been there sooooo much! Some of my closest friends simply don't understand. I can be loving, and even provide them with cooked and non-cooked food to add to the mix of food that we eat together, but my only eating fruits and greens, and nibbling on nuts speaks louder than all the other actions put together. They are not deaf, dumb, or blind. They know that the reason I am eating this way is because I truly believe in it as the best way. Not just "the best way for me", but the best way. So the logic therefore is that if I truly believe my way is indeed the best way, then their way must by default suck, in my opinion. There's just very little way around it. It's hard to sweet talk in those situations. Even saying "oh yes, everyone is different" (because everyone IS different, even raw foodists!) doesn't wash, because they think it's just a PC statement designed to smooth things over!

In my case I don't see it as them "trying to be manipulative", but they see it as a slap in the face to them, they truly don't get it. My situation is different than the original post, but the food aspect of it feels the same, I guess. It's kind of like being the only non-drinker in a party where everyone else is packing it away - the abstinence does look prudish, even if your water in a clear cup and their vodka are similar in appearance.

My friend is very supportive, she provided a giant fruit plate at our wedding, but her husband wouldn't even show up to our wedding. That spoke volumes right there. It was almost like a counter-rejection. Sigh, five years of building up a friendship over barbecues and picnics, helping them move into their new home, and them helping us move close by, poof, and everything is different, and very strained.

But I figure I have my choices. My choice is to live the best way I can, and to accept all the ramifications that go with it. But it still stings.

Ariannah

[heabrook]

My friend is very supportive, she provided a giant fruit plate at our wedding, but her husband wouldn't even show up to our wedding. That spoke volumes right there. It was almost like a counter-rejection. Sigh, five years of building up a friendship over barbecues and picnics, helping them move into their new home, and them helping us move close by, poof, and everything is different, and very strained.

But I figure I have my choices. My choice is to live the best way I can, and to accept all the ramifications that go with it. But it still stings.

Ariannah

:( That's sad that friendship can be tainted merely by ones lifestyle choices. When you decide to change, I guess you really find out who is your true friend. Because if they don't accept your choices it means they really don't respect you.

[Ariannah]

Well, I wouldn't (and haven't) walk off in a huff (figuratively speaking) and say "they are not my true friends." because that is not the case. It's simply a case of not truly understanding, and them also feeling unsupported. Like I said, just the obvious not eating the offerings off the barbecue (albeit politely) while opting to eat watermelon and organic salad instead is also a visual "non-support" of them. They do support me as best they can, and I respect their feelings. I suppose you have to truly be there to understand my own situation, which, as I've stated before, is quite unlike your own in-law situation in dynamics.

I hope and pray that your own situation improves eventually. My heart goes out to you.

[rawpriestess]

this situation is NOT about food, but they will make it about food this time, if you do anything different then they do, they will make it about that.

I'm surprised they aren't trying to make your husband move back home to be with family (as if you aren't) get the picture?

So, be who you are, and love your husband, don't attempt to J.E.D. (justify, explain or defend) your actions or choices.

You can certainly let them know (as you would anyone) that you eat only freash and raw veggies and fruits and nuts, and if they have them, then great, and if they don't then great, and go out and buy some, or bring them with you.

But just as you want them to be comfortable at YOUR home, they want you to be comfortable at THEIR home, so allow them this courtesy, treat them as if they were wonderfully kind and loving people.

If they react not in a kind and loving way, then you have choices, you don't have to go see them, you can stay home, you can tell them they aren't welcome at your place, you can welcome then with open arms,

it's really up to you.

I think your husband needs to tell his family that you aren't to be treated this way, and you need to uphold that.

people will treat you the way you allow them to.

My hubbys parents are strickly meat and potatoes, Christians, and I am a raw foodist nudist pagan, and yet, they NEVER bother me. WHY?

Because I am so very lovable?

well, maybe, but probably because I make no excuses about my life, I live it. Once, my hubby's wife, said something nasty, and I just got up said goodbye to his folks, got my hubby, and we left the house, and we didn't go back until we were invited back for Christmas, I can tell you NOTHING like that has EVER happened again, and probably never will.

you see, some people have to test how much control they have over you, or a situation, and all you need to do, is to stand up for yourself, I do not get into word fights, or throwing things, or yelling, I just leave, it disarms the situation immediately.

Everyone is unique and special and so are they.

If someone treats you badly, you can either stay and take it, or leave, those are your choices, but it is also a choice to give them the opportunity to change. And THEN to leave or take it.

LOVING someone, doesn't mean you let them treat you badly, it means you LOVE yourself enough to stand up for YOUR rights always.

[Sharon in Colorado]

There is another thing to think about.

Sometimes without realizing it, I can bring out the worst in others. I can be just as judgemental of other people's choices. It's not all the time that I am innocently minding my own business eating a banana and out of the blue get verbally attacked by an omnivore. I admit that sometimes I make myself a target and then whine when I get hit.

When people post about being victims of others, sometimes we aren't getting the whole story. Not saying that you are to blame or did anything wrong even, but there could be information missing here. Just a thought.

[heabrook]

When people post about being victims of others, sometimes we aren't getting the whole story. Not saying that you are to blame or did anything wrong even, but there could be information missing here. Just a thought.

No, as I said earlier, I have never said anything to them about the way they eat. I'm not that type of person. You have to know me to understand that I guess. I have never said anything mean to them or treated them badly in any way. I am always very nice to them. I don't snap back, scream or stomp off. When they offer their food, I simply say no thank you. I offer some of our food to them and try to make it seem less awkward.