Very Beligerent and hostil

[vickiesltw]

I have a friend that I do a lot of volunteer work with we spend about 40 hours a month min do volunteer work together.

We have talke about a lot of stuff over time. One was this diet. Now to be honest I lyed. I needed an escape goat other than myself to use for why I started this diet or why I was justifying this diet. I chose to use the excuse of my doctor recommended it. Prior to going on it she thought it was great.

It must be noted for some reason she has given up all fruits and veggies and takes them in pill form. Started this about a month before I started raw. I never said anything bad, did ask questions to try to understand why. She indicates they dont spoil, very little carbs just easier. Okay whatever makes her happy.

So back to the point. Since I started this diet she has become beligerent, hostile she seems to take my diet choices as a personally attack on her. I do not know what to do. I try to avoid the subject, and she brings it up and then just says when I try to defend myself that it si disgusting, and awful and whatever you get the idea.

I have to figure out how to get this under control because I am to the point of losing her because I am fed up. I did try asking her what the problem was with it. She just said food is suppose to be cooked. She actually told me gastric bypass is a better alternative.

Maybe some of you'll have experienced something like this and can offer suggestiongs. I do not want to loose my friend.

Lil' Brat

[Revvell]

She's not you friend, first of all and in my opinion, you would not be losing anything if you "lost" her.

Having said that, people do take it as a personal affront when we do something ~ especially food choices ~ differently than what they choose. The tend to feel we are not supporting them in their choices, not seeing that they are doing the same to us. They are also afraid for you and unwilling to learn anything differently. It's an interesting phenomenon.

My suggestion ~ leave her be for a bit. She's not ready to understand that you are your own person. I would tell her straight out and in a loving manner that her attitude towards you is tearing apart your relationship and is that what she wants? Seems to me there's something else below the surface other than what you are expressing here. Any ideas on what that might be?

Revvell

[juliebove]

No, I haven't gone through anything like that. Nor would I call a person like that my friend.

[vickiesltw]

My suggestion ~ leave her be for a bit. She's not ready to understand that you are your own person. I would tell her straight out and in a loving manner that her attitude towards you is tearing apart your relationship and is that what she wants? Seems to me there's something else below the surface other than what you are expressing here. Any ideas on what that might be?

Revvell

Nothing on my part. I know that I take Jen with a big grain of salt she gets testy about lots of things. She thinks people are picking on her. For example you and someone else throw playful barbs back and forth at each other and no one takes anything personally it is all in fun. But, jen joins in and she is quite happy to play until someone throws one of the barbs her way. Then she is uspet and people are picking on her.

Anyway, I have a tendency to use kid gloves around her. I have thought for years if I had not been put in a position where I had to get to know her better. I would never have been friends with her. Underneath the bitchy attitude she presents to the world she is a caring wonderful person. It just doesn't show much.

Lil' Brat

[misslinda]

I love how Revell expressed it!!!!!

Btw, is your "friend" pretty overwieght......bc/ if you are thinner than her, that's an issue too :cool:

[Punky]

I really don't have any great advice. Perhaps in a gentle way let her know you respect her views, and hope she will respect yours as well, and just agree to disagree. If she is still hostile, than perhaps she really wasn't your
friend to start with?!?!? I try to surround myself with friends that respect my views even if we have totally different lifestyles and choices.
You can always debate the issues and bring research in backing raw, etc..
but I find living by example is a better way to reach people sometimes.
When they see you all happy, glowing and looking healthier there is no deneying it.

May I ask how long you have been raw?
That is so awesome that you are giving this a chance.

I consider gastric bypass a very very last alternative.
There are many complications that can go wrong with this procedure.
My Mother In Law has considered this and researched this alot but hasn't done it because of money, and scared about the complications that can happen.

I hope the hostility resolves itself.
Sometimes people get hostile because they are defensive of their own poor choices; even though you are not making her feel this way, perhaps subconcously she is feeling this all on her own. I tell my friends I am not the food police, eat what you like in front of me.

[Revvell]

Brat,

I had a "boyfriend" like that at one time. "Walked on eggshells" the whole time afraid I was going to say or do something wrong. After awhile I realized that the whole time we were together I wouldn't take a deep breath until after he'd gone. Dropping him was the best thing for my health and well-being.

Ask yourself a few questions ~ is she there for you when you want/need help? Is having to "handle" someone with kid gloves good for you? Is this a mutually beneficial relationship? How do you feel, physically, when you know you'll be around her? How do you feel when you part?

Revvell

[Punky]

I thought Revvell and Linda had some good points too.
What Linda said is true of many; If you are feeling and looking better
she may be jealous and insecure and sabatoging your efforts.
OR it could be some of the points Revvell has mentioned.
But the bottom line is you shouldn't have to defend yourself or put
up with this hostility. I would discuss how you feel with her and if it doesn't resolve itself, than she was never your friend to start with.

Last year I went thru a rough time choosing not to hang around with a group of old friends that were not all that supportive of my holistic views.
Now I hang out with more supportive friends that really respect me. They do not live the same lifestyle as me, BUT respect and support my choices.

[heabrook]

The truth is, she probably truly believes that your diet is a good thing. She just doesn't want to admit it. Instead, she throws attacks your way and makes herself believe that you are doing it to spite her.

A lot of times, people deep down know that their diet isn't as good as it should be. But they also don't want to change (yes, the big horrid word CHANGE) so rather they convince themselves that what they are doing is correct and what others are doing is wrong.

More than likely, it is nothing personal to you. Rather, the problem is issues that she has with herself that she is taking out on you.

[Mookie]

Your "friend" sounds like a very unhappy person. Maybe the two of you could agree to just not discuss food choiuces if it bothers her so much. There are a lot of other topics to discuss. :)

Don't make her issues your issues. :)

[misslinda]

Weight is such a delicate issue in itself and sometimes when people use the "gastric bypass" as a solution, they may be expressing more of how desperate they are or indirectly saying they do want help. Shemay not even realize how she is making you feel b/c she is so emotionally charged.

I find that asking WHY questions get people to talk more and express more.

My experience, showing the picture of raw food entrees is a HELL of alot more effective than trying to PROVE the technical info.

:)

[swingbolder]

Since I started this diet she has become beligerent, hostile she seems to take my diet choices as a personally attack on her. I do not know what to do.

Yes, I have experienced hostility when I've talked about my diet, but not from good friends, mostly from acquaintances.

That's why I don't say "I'm a raw foodist" anymore unless I'm talking with someone who is respectful and genuninely curious about what I eat, I just say that I eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. It makes life simpler. ;)

If I were you, I would just not talk about food with your friend anymore. It seems to be a very sensitive topic.

[karenisraw]

Hi!

I personally believe she may feel unable to do what you are doing and thus feel like a failure or like she can't control her eating and it may make her feel like she has an eating problem watching you succeed so easily on raw. Kind of like when I had and eating problem, I felt abnormal and weird because I thought of food all of the time. She may have had parents who had criticized her eating habits and weight etc.

I believe also, however that she is behaving immaturely and knows she is belittling your sucess when she should be reinforcing you positively and wishing you the best.

I have a "friend" at work that I talk to as well about MANY MANY personal issues and for the most part she is encouraging, but also a part of her personality is talking down to people, belittling them and making a point to make you feel stupid if you are having problems with something such as messing up on your diet, or continuing to date a butthead, etc.

I decided pretty early on that she was not and would never be a true friend because I noticed too much selfish behavior, one of them being trying to force her opinions on me in s condecending manner. I also just left a boyfriend of seven years becuase he found my newly discovered "problem" of RFT friends an intrusion on our relationship, and my new hobby of being an environmental, eco, animal and human rights activist a "strange compassion for helping other people". I also as Revell discovered, that whenever I thought about him or talked to him on the telephone, I would get tense, unhappy and get headaches and my jaws would start to get tense.

The same happens with the girl at work. I now make friendly conversation and if I don't like what she says or how she treats me, I let it go in one ear and out the other and ignore any ill treatment. If I were you, I would just accept that she is not to be trusted with your emotions and for you not to invest much of yourself in the relationship and to assume that you will not count count on her support and a positive relationship. Just have a good time chatting and leave it at that. There are billions of people in the world, you will find new friends.

k :)

[misslinda]

Hi!

I personally believe she may feel unable to do what you are doing and thus feel like a failure or like she can't control her eating and it may make her feel like she has an eating problem watching you succeed so easily on raw. Kind of like when I had and eating problem, I felt abnormal and weird because I thought of food all of the time. She may have had parents who had criticized her eating habits and weight etc.

I believe also, however that she is behaving immaturely and knows she is belittling your sucess when she should be reinforcing you positively and wishing you the best.

I have a "friend" at work that I talk to as well about MANY MANY personal issues and for the most part she is encouraging, but also a part of her personality is talking down to people, belittling them and making a point to make you feel stupid if you are having problems with something such as messing up on your diet, or continuing to date a butthead, etc.

I decided pretty early on that she was not and would never be a true friend because I noticed too much selfish behavior, one of them being trying to force her opinions on me in s condecending manner. I also just left a boyfriend of seven years becuase he found my newly discovered "problem" of RFT friends an intrusion on our relationship, and my new hobby of being an environmental, eco, animal and human rights activist a "strange compassion for helping other people". I also as Revell discovered, that whenever I thought about him or talked to him on the telephone, I would get tense, unhappy and get headaches and my jaws would start to get tense.

The same happens with the girl at work. I now make friendly conversation and if I don't like what she says or how she treats me, I let it go in one ear and out the other and ignore any ill treatment. If I were you, I would just accept that she is not to be trusted with your emotions and for you not to invest much of yourself in the relationship and to assume that you will not count count on her support and a positive relationship. Just have a good time chatting and leave it at that. There are billions of people in the world, you will find new friends.

k :)

Great input! I'll just add, she may view you as a threat so perhaps ask questions to get her to talk express and warm up to you.......asking questions vs talking at her is quite different :)

[Punky]

I agree asking questions would be a good approach.

[vickiesltw]

Thanks very much for your advice. Much of what you tell me rings true and honestly it is what my husband and I have been batting around about the situation.

I think I will just avoid the issue of food and if that doesn't work just elimate her for the most part as a friend except for polite nonsense type conversation.

It is just hard to do cause saying there are millions or billions of people out there so friends are easy to make is easier than making them..

Thanks

Lil' Brat

[lavendarJ]

You know what, whatever you do, do not be ashamed or afraid or make excuses for who you are, and how you choose to live. For goodness sakes, all you are doing is choosing to eat healthy life-sustaining foods.... You know what, we are in a constant state of change and I think it will always be this way until our last breath. But you remain confident of your choices and stand on them...sometimes as we move on in life an transition we have to be willing to walk away from those we have been comfortable with. People who truly love you and understand will always be there and will always be a source of support. It's a hard thing, I have had friends like this, friends I considered like sisters, but now they feel like strangers to me because they do not understand my choices to eat healthier, to seek my destiny, they don't understand many things. And sadly, most people fear what they don't understand. Ignorance is powerful. It is a painful thing to lose a friend, but I know that we have to be willing to stand on our beliefs even when it means we might be standing alone. We may stand alone, but it won't be forever. God supplies all our needs. I would rather have a real friend where I know that support, love, and reciprocity is available than to have my energy drained by someone I feel that I have to constantly explain, justify and defend everything to. Those kind of "friends" block your blessings and only distract you from serving your purpose. Don't make yourself responsible for her insecurities, ignorance, or whatever. Pray about it and take time to focus on where you are at this point and what you need in a friend. Then it will be time for a good long talk. Be honest about how you feel in a simple and straightforward manner. If she is able to comprehend then your friendship will heal and grow stronger, but if she is not then it may continue to dissolve. I've also found out that this is not necessary a permanent thing. Friends I had to walk away from did re-enter my life later. We are better friends now; they had to "see the light" on their own, I couldn't show it to them. Be prepared to accept whatever the outcome may be. Real friends are happy for each other and support each other and issues like comptetition, jealousy or envy are nonexistent. Misery loves company. I actually had my friends tell me that I am too happy. Who in their right mind would apologize for being happy? It is just end my nature to always find something to smile and laugh about no matter how chaotic the day is. I used to feel bad about being happy. I cut that crap out. Just sharing my thoughts as I did walk away from a couple of good friends for the same reasons.

[maraw]

... is she there for you when you want/need help? Is having to "handle" someone with kid gloves good for you? Is this a mutually beneficial relationship? How do you feel, physically, when you know you'll be around her? How do you feel when you part?

Revvell


These are very good questions to ask yourself, really in any relationship, but especially in one that is troubling you. If I may add one thing for you to consider. If you choose ANY kind of lifestyle/diet that is not commercial-American-mainstream, be it vegan, vegetarian, kosher, raw, macrobiotic, whatever... you are going to get responses that may not always be pleasant. People become defensive when they feel they are being judged. Of course, you are not openly judging your friend, but she feels it in your choice of diet and lifestyle. You are choosing to eat differently than she - it's a healthy choice, and she knows it inherently - therein lies the judgement - the choice. You can't do anything about it. It is completely her doing.

I too have a dear friend that causes me the same concern. She is morbidly overweight and even though she has been witness to my weight loss and healthy changes over the past year, she chooses to invest a great deal of her money, her health and her emotions in a quick weight loss center. She drinks powdered shakes and takes lots of pills and most of her food is pre-packaged. She has only gained weight this way, and has never been in worse physical shape. Yet, she tells me that she can't eat carrots, bananas, pineapple and red bell pepper because they have too much sugar, and nuts and avocadoes are completely out of the question. I grow more concerned for her health and well being with each day. She is in my prayers, and that is the best I can do for her. I have tried everything short of an intervention - and that wouldn't work because her husband goes right along with her to the weight loss center.

You get to a point where you MUST agree to disagree or the relationship must end. I have had to distance myself somewhat from my dear friend over the past couple of months because I need healthy-minded people around me if I am to be healthy myself. I'm not talking thin people, just people who are in a mind to better themselves and make healthy choices. Those that won't judge me for MY lifestyle...

I still see her from time to time, but our relationship is nothing like it used to be. If I am going to be the mother, wife and person I wish to be - and raise my children in a healthy enviroment that helps them make healthy choices themselves, I must be able to live my life and surround myself with balance and wellness.

I hear the concern in your "voice." I know your heart is heavy with this. Keep reading all this great advise. We've all been there...

Best wishes,
Anna

[Punky]

Lavendar & Anna,
really wisely and beautifully said!

[greenfeline]

Swingbolder: I like what you said. Anytime you put a label on something it becomes an issue for people: I am a vegan or I am a raw foodist. I think because there are so many preconceived notions of certain labels. I do the same thing and say I just eat a lot of fruits and vegetables.

Vicki: Unfortunately some people have a hard time accepting things that are different or situations where someone is happier than them. Your friend does not seem very happy with herself and you can only help people who want to be helped or changed.

[Crystl-jade]

Sorry I don't have any brilliant contrubutions like some of the above are, however, there is a wise saying that reminds us of true friendship.

A friend walks in when the world walks out.


Maybe asking her why she is acting so mean? Tell her friends don't treat friends like that.


Crystl-jade

[vickiesltw]

May I ask how long you have been raw?
That is so awesome that you are giving this a chance.



Since March 15th so 14 days today. I eaten one cheeseburger cause I was at a friends. Decided it wasn't worth it half way through.

No withdrawls, cravings, headaches. Which really surprise me cause I had headaches all the time before. My feet give me lots of problems. I have special shoes have have to wear so I don't irrate the nerve endings. I did not realize I was not wearing them till after a really long walk and a game of tennis the other day. I was shocked when I realized. Haven't told hubby yet.

Don't think I will switch back.

Lil' Brat

[PhoeniX]

Don't take it personally. I find it really useful to remember when this kind of thing happens that it really isn't personal. Your friend's hostility and beligerance are not about you, they are about her. It can be difficult, but the best route is to just not buy into it. It can be difficult to do this sometimes, but really worthwhile in the end for your happiness. A great book on this is 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz

[Punky]

Since March 15th so 14 days today. I eaten one cheeseburger cause I was at a friends. Decided it wasn't worth it half way through.

No withdrawls, cravings, headaches. Which really surprise me cause I had headaches all the time before. My feet give me lots of problems. I have special shoes have have to wear so I don't irrate the nerve endings. I did not realize I was not wearing them till after a really long walk and a game of tennis the other day. I was shocked when I realized. Haven't told hubby yet.

Don't think I will switch back.

Lil' Brat

That's awesome Lil' Brat! I am so happy to hear that you've seen such positive changes already.
Keep it up; just think of the changes you'll see over a longer term.

[vickiesltw]

I actually had my friends tell me that I am too happy. Who in their right mind would apologize for being happy? It is just end my nature to always find something to smile and laugh about no matter how chaotic the day is. I used to feel bad about being happy.


It is funny you mentioned Being to happy. My husband and I hear this a lot. Which unfortunatley for the people around us only makes us laugh.

Thanks

Lil' Brat

[JMD]

Hmm, I just want to add a few thoughts...

1. I am sorry you are going thru this
2. I agree with what was said, is she really a "friend"???
3. when she insults you next...take a deeeeeep breathe and tell her your feel ___________ when she says things like that
4. There is a LESSON in this...maybe to NOT accept unacceptable behavior and to SPEAK UP for yourself without fear....

When i did this yrs ago I stopped a pattern of unacceptable bahavior and took my confidence and power back:)

GOOD LUCK!! EAT RAW be confident and GET RID OF TOXIC PEOPLE if u can....

JMD

[honeybee joy]

I bet you anything she does feel threatend. Some people will see that you are doing a positive change and they get afraid. She might feel that she might loose you. She might feel that you think she should change and do what you are doing.

I was having a problem like this with a friend, I was trying to get them to hear me out and see that this would be good for them also. They were always really irritable and was always putting stuff about raw food down. I kept on trying to figure out why this person was so hostile towards raw foods.

I finally figured it out that they were probably feeling judged. We humans do place value on what the people in our life think about us and what we do. We all want to be accepted. We want people to accept us eating raw foods without being judged, we need to accept them also. It is a two way deal.

I told my friend, hey I don't care what you eat, and I am not going to say anything about it.

Today I made my raw food for me, and made their cooked food for them. Normally if I was making raw food for me I would make it for them. I decided to let them tell me when they wanted raw food.

Well things went pleasantly well. They didn't even say anything nasty about David Wolfe being crazy because he was talking about eating clay. (I was listening to a archive of him talking about eating clay and I know they heard that part.) They didn't complain about me only eating salad and that is not a adequte diet.

They were happy. and I was happy.

They even helped me do cleaning, without me even asking. Which usually I have to beg to get that to happen.

I agree with everyone that negative behavior is not good to be around, but sometimes I have realized that my actions have something to do with the behavior. I have had to end friendships because I could tell that they are on a way different path, and both parties would be better off to find other friendships that would suit eatch other better.

My new goal is to be the change I want to see, not just complain about everything and everyone not being where I think they should.

Let her know that you love her and accept her for who she is and what path she chooses to take, and let your actions follow the words. I think that should help it out a bit. She might relax a bit and lay off of your choices, and maybe support you also.

I understand that this might not be what is going on, but I figured the advise might help.

Good luck with this!

[vickiesltw]

went out with Jen and when she called I agreed but, I was thinking that is it I won't bring it up but, if it is brought up I will ask her flat out what her problem is.

Obvisiously she has worked somethings out for herself since last week. She was completely changed. When she got here she was talking about stuff and one thing led to another and she tried the real toast from Juliano's book. Loved it. We went out and she kept talking about all the raw food she ate this last week.

Went to a soup and salad bar for lunch other than expressing concern over lack of protein I was getting she had nothing bad to say.

So hopefully she has gotten over whatever it was.

Thanks again

Lil' Brat

[PhoeniX]

That is fantastic!

[misslinda]

......LOL maybe she was having emotional detox the whole time :rolleyes:




raw drama :)

[heabrook]

Your presence in her life, though difficult for you right now, may prove to be very beneficial to her. It is easy to distance yourself from those who give you conflict about your chosen lifestyle, but when you stay --- you do make an impact on people. However, sometimes the impact isn't that noticeable and sometimes it takes a while.