I can't believe I...........

[squidly]

For 5 days I was 90% raw and sugar free (big for me) and I was feeling so calm and centred then yesterday of my gosh - cheesecake, toasted sandwich and chocolate as well as cracker biscuits - what was I thinking BUT that is not the bad part. This morning I woke irritable and edgy. My almost 3 year old was whining and whinging and I smacked her - to some this may be nothing but to me it is huge as I never want to smack my children. The worst part though was I did it without even thinking - it was like a reflex and I feel SOOOOO bad. Here I am teaching her not to hit, to be nice and then by example what do teach her. I am so angry and disappointed with myself

What horrifies me most is how it just happened - no thought, no control. if this is not my wake up call I don't know what is. I want the calm loving me back again - righ know I hate myself for what I have done. I apologised to her, told her I was in the wrong for what I did and asked her to forgive me which she did but the look on her face and the tears streaming down broke my heart. I know it was the shock that I did it not the pain but aHHHHHHHHHH!!!! How could I do this to her, how could I do this to me?

She forgave me, now I need to forgive me and acknowledge this wake up call. I don't like who I am on cooked food and sugar. I sit her now drinking my green smoothie and have a bag of grapes and a peach - this IS MY NEW START!!!!!! Never will I be out of control like that again with my gorgeous little girl. This is not only for me but for those around me.

Thank you for letting me release these feelings I am having - I feel calmer already.

[sport]

Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning. Make the most of it and take it one day at the time.

[samadhisoul]

how are you doing, squidly?

[mommamia]

It is amazing what going off sugar/refined flours did for me. I notice a difference right away, in the mornings, just like you. I've done really well, then I'll lapse and guess what? Ornery, demanding, irritable and down right violent at times. My family all notice a huge difference.

I hope you've forgiven yourself. In the scheme of things your daughter will not recall the day her mother lost it, but the great mom she has overall....

Isnt' it nice to know we know the answer to our moods, though?

[samadhisoul]

it's funny that one of my main reasons for committing to a raw lifestyle was that I noticed what refined and coooked grains did to my 3-year-old SON, he is a screamer and a whiner and what THAT does to me ....WHOO!, I think this has/is benefiting my family as a whole.

[eatyourbroccoli]

squidly i hope youre doin better today!!

when i eat refined sugar/processed food in general, i too "morph" (as my boyfriend calls it..)

at least we have the answer :)

ash

[shakti17]

squidly,

here is a positive way you can look at the situation-- sometimes we need to hit "bottom" before committing to changes in our lives -- it sounds like smacking your child is such a bottom for yourself -- maybe you needed that to committ to this lifestyle. your child is an angel who was willing to go through that experience because she loves you, to help to put you on your path...

shakti

[levamssg]

Be gentle with yourself -- and be kind. We are always more harsh with ourselves than anyone else would be.


You can't undo what has happened, you can only go forward. It is obvious you are a wonderful mom who cares very much about your daughter (and others around you). You've recognized your actions, "righted" them with the your daughter, the next step is to forgive youself. Hold on and focus on the 'good' in you, and move on.

Your daughter is a very lucky little girl.

[starchild]

squidly,

hope you are feeling better about yourself today...raising children is the hardest job in the world. i know exactly what you went through. i also go a little crazy if i've eaten the slightest bit cooked...self esteem plummets, depression comes raging back, yelling at husband and son...even just from a piece of toast with jam. i have started keeping a list of what effects, emotional and physical, i suffer when i slip and eat cooked. that way, when i have a realy stong craving for cooked i can remind myself how bad i will feel if i cave in. it's helped me many times. forgive yourself, tomorrow is a new day.

starchild

[theresaann]

Can I make just one more suggestion? praying and asking the Holy Spirit (or the Holy Moley-whatever you can resonate with) to HELP you forgive yourself is ABSOLUTELY miraculous. I promise-you will be astounded....also, doing so will help you be totally present with your kid(s). I absolutely promise you this is true....

[squidly]

I am day 8 all raw now and sugar free and much more centred - thank you for all your replies and support. Today was a good day to read more as I was making excuses as to why a little bit of cooked would not hurt but I am strong again and just finished my bowl of yummy organic grapes - much better than cooked

THANK YOU all!!!!!! You'll never know that one day your words are the ones that lift a person to their feet and give them hope again.

[rawpriestess]

Dear Squidly,

your daughter will not remember what happened.

Just know that wheat and dairy, and cooked can do really terrible things to your brain chemistry.

I can attest to that, when ever I eat dairy or wheat, I try to leave my hubby, and he is PERFECT, but trust me with wheat in my system, I'll find something wrong with him.