View Full Version : How to overcome fear?
03-10-2006, 08:59 AM
I've done my 30 day challenge and I feel so much better in many ways, yet know that I still have a long journey ahead of me. I have jumped a major hurdle and feel that alot of the cravings for cooked food are gone. Now I have the biggest hurdle ahead of me though and those are the demons locked in my own mind.
I know that perfection is one of them, but I've been working on removing that word from my vocabulary for about three years now. (If you are having a hard time with that word go to www.flylady.com. Trust me, she will help!) So now it is time to adress the other demon in my mind, fear.
I've done alot of reading, I belive it was Alissa that warned about what will happen when you no longer have food to stuff down your emotions, to numb yourself. Now you have to deal with them or you will go tumbling back to the old, comfortable habits to avoid the emotion. I don't want to go back, yet I woke up this morning feeling emotionaly raw and sensative. I'm realising so many different things; just how much I love my husband (a good thing), the conflicting emotions concerning my job since I both love and hate it, bad habits of mine, and more. As I delve into these feelings I realize that the things that are bothering me the most about my job and my habits stem out of fear. I'm afraid that I will fail, so I don't try. I'm afraid that I'll embarass myself, so again I won't try. I'm afraid of confrontation, so I'll avoid it. How did fear come to rule my life so much?
Have any of you delt with this issue? What can you suggest? I feel that if I could just get over this inertia I'd be ok, but I feel so overwhelmed when I look at the whole picture that I freeze up. Fear that I'll never get it done, well yeah if you don't do anything you never will. I feel like I'm stuck here right now with no idea how to get out. I hope this will be the first steps forward.
03-10-2006, 01:30 PM
er...at the risk of sounding weird, i suggest you look at the relationship you had with your parents. were they hypercritical? slow to give praise (or gave none at all)? emotionally abusive?
my life is also dominated by fear. i'm terrified of hurting others. absolutely terrified of it. i spend a majority of my time trying to figure out what's going on in their heads. because of this, it's really difficult for me to give any weight to my OWN emotions (speaking in terms of interpersonal conflict, that is).
i am also unable to figure out what i want to do with my life. at first, i thought i was afraid of success (or failure) and because of that i was paralyzed. now i know that it's something more. i actually have no idea what my wants ARE. since wants are controlled by deep emotion, i can't access them. somehow i learned that my wants/deep emotions were unimportant, and/or selfish, and/or pointless....frivolous etc...
this may or may not apply to you, but i thought it was worth posting. sometimes, to make meaning out of something, you have to dig a little deeper.
03-10-2006, 03:02 PM
The best way to overcome fear is to get to the underlying cause of the state, or emotion of fear. and then to deal with that.
there is fear and anxiety, anxiety is when you anticipate something happening NOT they way you want, so you have anxiety over it, this is just like worry, which doesn' ever do any good, being prepared is what can help with that.
Fear, is the anticipation that something MAY happen based on past experiences, which again is projecting into the future, something you don't wish to happen.
What we focus on, we manifest in our lives, so fear and anxiety are really helping to bring in the thing most feared.
Now, how to release this, well, what I do for anxiety, is I sit down and allow myself to think about the situation, and then I project myself into the future, AFTER THE SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF THE EVENT, this way there is no anxiety, because I have successfully completed it in my mind, I do this a few times, until I can focus on that, instead of the unwanted situation,
as far as fear goes, you might wish to take a look back into your past when you felt it before, and allow that to be a learning experience, it's almost the same exersize, except I keep the learnings and release the fear, so that I can move on to the future.
Now, not ALL fears am I ready to do this with, and some fears are productive, like the fear of jumping off a cliff, or the fear of walking down a dark alley at night, these fears could be considered advantages, but the fear of talking to strangers when your job is a salesperson, might not be to your advantage.
although this process takes a while to teach and learn, I've written it pretty simply here. hope it helps.
03-10-2006, 03:31 PM
I understand about the fear, and childhood is usually where those shadowy, subcontious behaviors stem from. I agree with both RP and 'Bubble. :)
My own experience:
- I believe in Spirit, God, a Higher Power and I've been talking to this God like a father figure, since I was a small child, barely out of dipers. After realizing that I am a little bit psychic, I have learned to trust the information I got from Spirit helpers, (Guardian Angels is the word some would use). Today, I feel that my "anchor" is with God/Spirit, and he knows all the good things in me, supports me, cheers me on. This change of focus, from being solely responsible for everything, to having the back up of God/Spirit, has helped me tremendously. It has helped me feel confident for longer periods of time.
My fears come partly from my own "inner parenting". Some time during my childhood, I created a voice in my head, that kept me safe, by telling me to be afraid all the time. Now that I know that God/Spirit is there for me, and I can talk to my Guardian Angels/Spirit Guides about anything I need help with, I can let go of that scared voice, bit by bit.
For me, it is about a shift of focus, from giving all the power to my fear voice, or giving the power to my positive trust in God/Spirit voice. One destroys me, and one supports me and builds me up.
My journey has been very long, and it's hard to be helpful like this on a board. I have studied so many things to find the reasons, and find out how to change. I suggest getting hold of some books on childhood, and things like abusive things people can say, that hurt so deeply, and can cause us to adapt those mean attitudes and say them to ourselves, even when no one is looking.
I like this article if you are curious about that sort of thing: http://www.focusas.com/Abuse.html
Empower your soul, and as your inner child starts believing in that new power, the inner child will stop protecting you by making you afraid, and instead start cheering you on, in a positive way.
All the best.
03-10-2006, 03:45 PM
Hi. I am so much like you. I too found out so much about myself and my relationship by going raw. I too am going through career issues. I went through some things with my career and now I am considering a career change due to the ethics of the advertising and marketing industry that I participated in. I was not financially prepared for this enlightenment and am stuck feeling like a financial failure. While I decide what field to go into and while I return to school for it, I will essentially be astarving 40 year old student. This at times makes me feel like a failure, but this feeling does not last long. I have realized that it is normal to go through life changes and hardships and that there is no set rules of sucess that you have to follow. It is only in the minds of insecure people that feel you have to be at a certain financial or social or educational level to make themselves feel secure about you. Most people you will find are encouraging and understand and are even helpful in your quest for a new employment or lifestyle search.
About confrontation. I too become physically tense and unhappy in a confrontation. Some of these "confrontations" are not confrontations but the initiation on your part of what you intend as a reasonable, intelligent and progressive conversation. The other person may become immediately defensive and do what he/she feels necessary to defend him/herself with what they feel is needed and that may be a counter attack. This means you are stuck trying to calm and reassure the person and the conversation gets off track, etc. I have found through experience, that remaining very quiet and writing a gentle, quiet and yet truthful note (very simpe and to the point) and also how what they are doing is affecting your health and well being, is veery effective because they are left with time to think aout it before they react. I would keep doing this until the person realizes through your gentle notes, that you want to discuss this gently and quietly.
I am doing this with my boyfriend right now and he knows something is wrong, but I am letting him figure it out for himself by giving him space and quietness. So far he has gotten around to asking "is anything wrong with you?".
See what I am saying? If you leave it up to them to figure out why you are so quiet and gentle, then it puts them in the position where they have to ask the questions and dig for information and they can't really argue because you did not bring it up and they initiated the conversation. If they ask you qustions about what is wrong, tell them you will write a little not explaining it. Make sure you put what it is doing to your well-being.
I also did this with my boyfriend in regards to I was not getting enough affection. I sent a note about it with an article and the benefits of touching and then I wrote that I was no longer a happy person and my eyes were sad and I don't smile as much as I used to. I got a note back saying that he was putting aside Saturday afternoon from 12-4.30 p.m. to spend with me and he said, "I think we should just touch"
It worked. There are other issues but at least that was a start.
03-10-2006, 06:28 PM
This is the most touching thread I've come across yet, primarily because like others that have responded I too have been ruled by "FEAR" my entire life. So much so that it has lead to depression. Fear of failure, fear of people, fear of the unknown, fear of ....geez :eek: I could keep goin'. And believe me it ALL stems from something in your childhood that triggered a snowball effect. But fear is not the problem..it is the inability to be courageous when in fear. Fear is something great to have...it keeps us grounded, humbled and an inspiration to others. What sucks is not having the tools to pull yourself beyond the emotions that go along with the "bad" feeling.
2005 was the most powerful and extraordinary year for me in the sense of getting to and facing my fears...and I must tell you, it was not easy!! :o
I've been able to confront and get clear with several family members, I've been able to leave a job that I absolutely hated, I've been able to give myself credit when I never did....I had (still) a serious case of letting fear stop me dead in my tracks...I mean absolutely dead in my tracks.....and what I mean by still...is that it doesn't go away, it doesn't blow away in thin air, it actually waits for you to show up. Being courageous while in fear is my new tool...GETTING THE HECK OUT OF MY OWN WAY! it's not easy but courage can be obtained in all areas in your life.
I would like to send you a PM..to let u know how I obtained my new outlook.
Whew..this thread brings many emotions to me right now...and it goes to show you are not alone in any of this!
I love you for starting this thread...very touching. ;)
03-10-2006, 06:46 PM
Well, that is amazing that this post popped up, because fear is what I am dealing with. Different types, but it is definantly fear all right. I haven't figured that out yet, I was thinking about it all last night. I realized that I have always helped people and kept really busy because it was easier to do that then deal with my fears. I have been ill for 3 years, and that gives you alot of time to think, plus raw foods give you loads of time to think, becuause food does not take up as much time, and I am not knocked out in a sleepy drunken stupor (from food, not booze or drugs.) Cooked foods make me feel drunk and sleepy sometimes. Anyways, I cannot help with the fear thing, but I do know what you feel.
The confrontation issue: I still struggle with that a little. One thing I have learned is: your opinions are important. Your opinions will not nessisarily change that persons mind, but still you contributed to society by letting others know how you think and more about you. Also confrontation is important in relationships, because that lets a person know how to deal better with you. What one person said is helpful, just keep quiet, and let them come to you, because when people "come" to you for what is wrong, they are more open to listenting, and things can be less hostile and may even be able to be resolved. We cannot control how others respond or think of us, but that is ok, because we are all different. I think if both parties are respectful to the fact that everyone is different, then things will work.
I have learned some things about the perfection thing though.
The way I got over trying to be perfect, is just failing soooo much, and just getting tired of hating myself so much for my failures that I had to find a new way of dealing with it. Hating myself became way too painful. It was hard for awhile to accept myself as not perfect, but after awhile it became comfortable, then acceptable. Sometimes I still wonder what is different or wrong with my thinking, because I am still not used to to accepting myself, unconditionally, but logically I know it is right. One thing I can think of is "were human". We are not even equipped or able to be perfect, so it is silly and not beneficial for us to even try. I think it stressed my soul and body out. It could be a part of why I got ill in the first place.
Anyways, I wish you luck on dealing with this. I'm sure it will be tough at times.
03-11-2006, 01:04 PM
Thank you very much for all the replies. I can see the begining of a path now, shown to me by the information that you all shared with me. I'm still processing everything that you've put here. A few things jump out at me as espically apt.
I too dislike hurting people and will do almost anything to avoid that. I have become more aware of how I am hurting myself in the process though, espically when I say 'yes' to every request then get nothing done. Ugh, what a trap that is! I can also see how projecting my fear in the future is self defeating. I will replay a senario in my mind over and over and over until I absolutely dread it. Rarely is it a positive one, I can get myself worked up into a frenzy over that even though it never turns out as bad as I imagined. You'd think I'd have figured that one out by now!
I am also hunting for my place spirtually at the same time. I think if I could find a place where I'm comfortable I would do better. I was raised Catholic but was disenchanted a long time ago, I hate being told that I cannot do something because of my gender. :mad: Ugh! I'm drawn to things that aren't nessisarly 'organized', IE church every sunday. I feel that religion is a private thing, at least for me.
It is reasureing to see that others are dealing with this same problem and have delt with this problem successfully. I think that changing my preception of courage would help as well. I view courage as more physical, for example when someone runs into a burning building to save a person. I don't see it as a emotional quality, though now that I'm thinking about it I can see where it very much is an emotional quality. Interesting...
Again, thank you!
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